BS THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY AT A FUNERAL:

• "Geez, what died in here?"
• "I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit."
• "I would have loaned him my good rope if I'd known what he was using it for!"
• "I guess this means I'm out of the 20 bucks she owes me."
• "He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress."
• "When did he die? Really? Hey Todd, you won the pool!"
• "Don't look now Jason, but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on!"
• "Not to cause panic or anything, but is something leaking out of that casket?"

BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Do bald people ever have 'bad head' days'?
• Why is it that, no matter when you graduated, your yearbook pictures
  keep getting nerdier and nerdier as the years go by?
• Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Why the heck does your iron have a setting for 'permanent press'?
• How old to you have to be before your toupée turns grey?

BREAST IS BEST:

Breast milk may keep you slim, according to the latest "British Medical Journal". In a new study, scientists found a 35% drop in obesity among those exclusively breast-fed. (In related news, Drew Carey has gone on a new diet.)

'LOG ON' TO THE FIRE:

A Dutch crematorium in Utrecht, Netherlands is now offering live Internet coverage of its interments to friends and family who can't show up in person. (For an extra 5 guilders, you get 'virtual marshmallows'.)

WORSE THAN THE GREEN CHICKEN:

A World Health Organization report claims fully one-quarter of the drinking water offered on major airlines is contaminated. (Another good reason to stick to beer.)

DEDICATION ON THE JOB:

German medical student Sophie Gretta has lost her job at a Berlin Hospital for having sex with 43 male patients in 1 month -- to test their blood pressure. (Geez, wonder how she took their temperature?)

MEN REALLY ARE PECKERHEADS:

New research at the University of California Berkeley suggests that increased production of the male hormone testosterone may also increase the size of part of the brain. (Proving the old adage about what men think with.)

BS GIZMOS:

• A Swedish company will market a system called 'You're Sleepy!' that alerts drowsy drivers. (This new device will replace your wife's elbow.)

• This year's exciting "World Peashooting Championships" in England were mired in controversy when some of the competitors showed up with laser-sighted shooters that throw a red spot on the target. (Further uproar is expected later this year at the 'World Tiddly Winks Championships' when nuclear-powered 'squidgers' are expected.)

NO BS, THESE ARE ACTUAL BIZARRE SEX PRACTICES:

• FORMICOPHILIA . . . Enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes.
• AXILLISM . . . The use of the armpit for sex.
• DACRYPHILIA . . . Arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner.
• DENDROPHILIA . . . Attraction to trees.
• EMETOPHILIA . . . Arousal from vomit or vomiting.
• AGALMATOPHILIA . . . attraction to statues or mannequins.
• NASOPHILIA . . . Arousal from the sight, touch, licking or sucking of a partner's nose.
• OCULOLINCTUS . . . The act of licking a partner's eyeball.
• ANASTEEMAPHILIA . . . Attraction to a person because of difference in height.
• TAPHERPHILIA . . . Arousal from being buried alive.

Today is the annual "Celebration of the Senses", when you're encouraged to treat yourself to stimulation of each of your 5 senses. Ask listeners what would be the greatest sensation treat for each (then get ready to edit).

Tomorrow is "Cow Appreciation Day", a day to celebrate the beauty of the bovine, so don't forget to stroke your wallet. (Prince Charles is getting something special for Camilla Parker Bowles.)

Tomorrow's "International Joke Day" celebrates humor from around-the-world, a good day to have listeners call in jokes in other languages. It's most effective if you don't ask them to translate, just laugh uncontrollably.

BS PHONE STARTERS:

• "If you could RE-NAME yourself for a day, what would you call yourself?"
• "What's your top tip on how to get a day off work?"
• "What really STRANGE thing do you collect?"
• "Which music group did you follow as a teen that you're now embarrassed about?"
• "What's your absolute WORST piece of clothing?"

TRUTH OR BS?

• Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. (T)
• The dachshund is the world's worst gas-passing pooch. (F. The German Shepherd takes the prize, according to a poll of dog owners conducted for 'CurTail' canine anti-flatulence product.)
• The first episode of the sit-com "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest-rated American program in the history of Korean television. (T, perhaps because 'chachi' is Korean for 'penis'.)
• John F Kennedy Jr once acted in a movie. (T. He appeared as a guitar player in the 1990 film, "A Matter of Degrees", but was uncredited.)
• Screaming is a great way to release anger. (F. Recent research published in "Mademoiselle" magazine shows people who act out their anger actually stay mad twice as long!)
• The word 'lollipop' was taken from a character in a WC Fields movie. (F. From a famous race horse named 'Lolly Pop' back in 1892.)

BS TRIVIA:

Q: How many days of hot weather are needed before a 'heat wave' is declared?
A: 3 consecutive days.
     (Source: National Weather Service)

Q: What's the hardest part of a man's body?
A: Same as a woman -- tooth enamel.
     (Source: "Freaky Facts About the Body")

THE LAST WORD:
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.