Thursday, April 28, 2005                 Edition: #3022
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Paula Abdul’s lawyer Martin Singer has fired off a letter to ABC News warning them to back off unsubstantiated allegations against his client in that much-ballyhooed  “Primetime Live” special report titled “Fallen Idol”, scheduled for next WEDNESDAY night at 10 pm . . . That’s the same night CBS-TV will air a primetime “Dr Phil” special with newly-rehabbed “Insider” host Pat O’Brien (trashy TV about trashy TV – can it degenerate any further?) . . . Fans of novelty song singer Weird Al Yankovic have begun a campaign to get him inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – it’s called ‘Make the Rock Hall Weird’ . . . “Us Weekly” reports actor Matt Damon has become engaged to girlfriend Luciana Barroso, a 29-year-old former Miami interior designer and sometime bartender . . . “Survivor”/”Apprentice” creator Mark Burnett is developing a new lump-in-your-throat reality series called “Giving Hope”, which will help deserving people in need (much like “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”) and may be co-hosted by Burnett’s real-life girlfriend  Roma Downey (ex-“Touched by an Angel”) . . . Meantime, Bravo has announced a new series called “The Real Housewives”, a reality version of “Desperate Housewives” set in one of the most affluent gated communities in the USA . . . 41-year-old actress Nicollette Sheridan knows TV can be fickle (see “Knots Landing”) so she’s already planning a post-“Desperate Housewives” career in buying & selling real estate (she’s reportedly already eyeing her first purchase – in Vancouver) . . . Pseudo-celeb Kelly Osbourne has attracted the wrath of PETA by dying her 13-week-old English bulldog puppy ‘Piglet’ – hot pink! . . . Hasbeen pop star Ricky Martin is upping his ante for sainthood, designating funds from his Ricky Martin Foundation to help build and/or restore over 200 houses in Thailand’s tsunami-hit Pang Nga province over the next 2 years . . . And New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is offering to rename the ‘George Washington Bridge’ the ‘Conan O’Brien Bridge’ if Conan will bring “The Tonight Show” back to NYC when he takes over as host in 2009.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Jessica Simpson – She & hubby Nick Lachey have bought one of the highest units in the 50-story Palms Casino Resort condo development in Las Vegas. The 1,200-sq-ft, 1-bedroom unit is said to have cost over $1 million.
• Jo Dee Messina – TODAY she guests on ABC-TV’s “The View”.
• Joss Stone – TODAY her version of Ray Charles’ “The Right Time” is released as a ringtone from Cingular Wireless, and is also available for free download at The Gap Website. The tune will appear in an upcoming Gap TV ad.
• Kenny Chesney – THIS MORNING he’s on NBC-TV’s “Today Show”.
• Pearl Jam – THIS FALL they’ll do a 15-date tour of Canada, beginning SEPTEMBER 2nd in Vancouver. The tour will debut material intended for their as-yet-untitled new studio album.
• U2 – TONIGHT their “Vertigo 2005 Tour” comes back to Vancouver, where the band rehearsed for it. During their weekend stop in Seattle, Bono stayed at the home of Bill Gates.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Antonio Banderas & Jennifer Lopez will be paired on the bigscreen for the first time in the upcoming thriller “Bordertown”, set to begin shooting THIS WEEKEND in New Mexico and Mexico . . . Producer-director Michael Bay (“Armageddon”) is taking on a seemingly untouchable classic, planning to remake Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” . . . David Duchovny will star in “The Secret”, a horror flick about a girl who’s inhabited by her late mother’s spirit after an auto accident . . . Will Ferrell will next star in “Land of the Lost”, a comedy based on the 1974-77 Saturday morning TV series . . . The A&E-produced TV movie “Flight 93″ will center on what happened aboard United Airlines Flight 93 which crashed in Somerset County PA on 9/11 . . . “Sex & the City’s” Sarah Jessica Parker is in talks to star in the comedy “Slammer”, playing a publicist who’s framed for theft and sent to prison where she ends up producing a musical – starring inmates . . . And actress Kristen Chenoweth is signed to play late British soul singer Dusty Springfield in an upcoming biopic (hey, why not Joss Stone?).

CAPITAL COWPOKES:
TODAY more than 600 artists from Alberta descend on Ottawa for the 13-day “Alberta Scene” festival, a showcase of the province’s actors, singers, dancers, musicians, photographers, comedians, writers, filmmakers, visual artists and cuisine. Some 100 performances featuring everything from classical to punk music, opera to improv will be staged at a range of venues around the Capital Region. The National Arts Centre hosted a similar regional festival, Atlantic Scene, in 2003.
– CBC Arts
NET: http://www.albertascene.ca

HOPELESSLY OUT OF SHAPE:
A new study reveals that only 3% of US adults conform to the 4 common healthy behaviors that characterize a healthy lifestyle: non-smoking, healthy weight, consuming 5 or more fruits and vegetables a day, and regular physical activity. According to the study, current public health reports emphasize lifestyle modification, particularly quitting smoking, improved diet, increased physical activity and weight control, as the key to prevention and control of chronic diseases. (But isn’t it great to know that even though you’re fat, sedentary and stink like an ashtray – you’re not alone?)
– “Journal of the American Medical Association”

THE SENSUAL CHEF:
Los Angeles chef Ludovic Lefebvre, the winner of the 2001 Rising Star Chef Award who’s appeared on E! and the Food Network, has just published a new cookbook called “Crave: The Feast of the Five Senses”. According to 32-year-old ‘Ludo’, cooking is a sensual process that involves all 5 senses, something the book’s 100-plus recipes are meant to highlight. But what will more likely attract women to the book is the photos, such as one of the hunky chef showing off a shirtless six-pack while pretending to haul humongous fish from the sea.
– “LA Comfidential”

BS TRAUMATIC TALES OF TRAFFIC:
Horrific driving stories that may make you consider mass transit …
• A 21-year-old Leamington ON woman has been fined $110 after being charged with driving while – watching TV. Windsor cops spotted her watching a DVD music video on a portable monitor sitting on her dashboard.
• An inattentive driver in Tucson AZ who was talking on a cellphone to his wife failed to notice when his Toyota Corolla drifted under the trailer of an 18-wheeler in the next lane. The car became stuck and was dragged 800 feet. The 21-year-old has been charged with speeding, possession of drug paraphernalia, and – driving with a suspended license.
• A 24-year-old being tailed by Florida Highway Patrol for speeding, ended up leading them on a 140-mph motorcycle chase while going the wrong way in rush-hour traffic near Miami. He was not only arrested but also told not to bother showing up for his scheduled physical NEXT WEEK to qualify for – the Florida Highway Patrol.

NOT TO MENTION PARTY BALLOONS:
India manufactures more than 1 billion condoms annually but it seems that only about a quarter of them are used for sex. Most of the others are used in manufacturing. How so? The condoms are useful because of the lubricant on them. Sari weavers place them on their thread spools and the lubricant helps the thread move more quickly through machines. Sari-makers also turn the condoms inside out, place them on their fingers and use the high-quality lubricant to polish gold and silver threads in traditional women’s clothing. Similar uses have been found in other industries making toys and bathroom slippers. (Yeah, now there’s a slipper that really fits … tight!)

– “Economic Times”

BIG BROTHER’S WATCHING YOU … EVEN CLOSER:
In a move that rankles privacy advocates, Microsoft has announced it’s adding the software equivalent of a flight data recorder to the next version of ‘Windows’ in an effort to better analyze and prevent computer crashes. The device will be similar to the existing error-reporting tool but will provide Microsoft with much deeper information, such as what programs were running at the time of the error and the contents of documents that were being created. Businesses will be able to have the data sent to their own IT managers when an employee’s machine crashes. (“Windows 2006 … Now With Spyware!”)
– ZD Net

BS AMAZING FACT:
We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening. Why? Layers of cartilage in the joints get compressed during the day.

AND WE QUOTE:
“Despite the fact that everyone on the face of the Earth has been tested as his possible replacement, Pierce will be doing it again. It will be announced come summer.”  – Dame Judi Dench, who plays ‘M’ in the ‘James Bond’ films, claiming that Pierce Brosnan will stay on as ‘007′ in the upcoming “Casino Royale”.  – “Metro”

THE BULL SHEET 04.28.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [68] Saddam Hussein (al-Tikriti), al-Awja, Iraq, POW/ex-President of Iraq (1979-2003)

1950 [55] Jay Leno, New Rochelle NY, late night TV host (“The Tonight Show” 1992-2009)

1951 [54] Paul Guilfoyle, Boston MA, TV actor (‘Captain Jim Brass’ on “CSI” since 2000)

1966 [39] John Daly, Carmichael CA, long-driving pro golfer/admitted alcoholic

1974 [31] Penelope Cruz (Sanchez), Madrid SPA, movie actress (“Sahara”)/Matthew McConaughey’s gal-pal  UP NEXT: Co-stars with Salma Hayek in the period crime-comedy “Bandidas”.

1981 [24] Jessica Alba, Pomona CA, movie actress (“Sin City”)  COMING UP: Plays ‘The Invisible Woman’ in the superhero action film “Fantastic Four”, opening in JULY.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day” in the USA, Britain and parts of Africa, during which children ages 9 to 15 participate in the work day of their parents or other adult hosts.  The aim is to make kids aware of career opportunities.
PHONER: 800.676.7780 (Ms Foundation for Women)
NET: http://www.daughtersandsonstowork.org

TODAY is “Great Poetry Reading Day”, a day to read great poetry as a means of better understanding the world. Take the lyrics to any hit song and look for the most outrageous attempts at rhyming.
NET: http://lyrics.com

TODAY is “Day of Remembrance for Persons Killed or Injured in the Workplace”, first declared by the Canadian Labour Congress in 1984. On average, 1 Canadian worker out of 13 is injured at work. (Just yesterday, I got a hernia raising the bar for comedy on this show.)

TODAY is “Kiss Your Mate Day”, a day to share the pleasure of a kiss – when he or she least expects it.

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1914 [91] 1st ‘Air Conditioner’ is patented (WH Carrier)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1985 [20] World’s ‘Largest Sand Castle’ is completed, standing 4 stories tall (St Petersburg FL)

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] Zipper Day
[Fri] Puppetry Day
[Fri] “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and “XXX: State of the Union” open in movie theaters
[Sat-May 15] World Hockey Championships (Austria)
[Sat] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
[Sat] International Walk Day
[Mon] Canadian Income Tax deadline
This Week Is . . . Intergenerational Week (aka [co-host] has a new girlfriend week)
This Month Is . . . Customer Loyalty Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BAD HABITS BY SIGN:

• Aries – Rams have a habit of pushing to the front of the line, both literally and figuratively. And while this quality has helped Aries get ahead, it can also compromise their relationships.
• Taurus – Bulls love clutter. Being surrounded by all their possessions gives them a sense of security. It also creates headaches, confusion, and chaos.
• Gemini – Twins are the nail-biters of the zodiac. Twins are self-conscious about their hands, and need to keep them busy at all times.
• Cancer – They’ve really got a sweet tooth, often craving cookies, candy, and ice cream. But what Crabs are really seeking is oral gratification.
• Leo – It’s only natural that a sign that is blessed with creativity, charm and wit feels tempted to show off. But actually, this desire to brag is rooted in insecurity.
• Virgo – The perfectionists of the zodiac like to have all their ducks in-a-row. But these nit-pickers sometimes compromise their own pleasure for the sake of perfection.
• Libra – They gave birth to the term ‘shopaholic’. These people have every credit card known to man. And while their taste is undeniably impeccable, it can get them into bankruptcy court.
• Scorpio – Nobody carries a grudge better than this sign. Unfortunately, hanging on to resentments has a way of crowding out love, happiness and trust.
• Sagittarius – Just call them blunt. While they may have the best intentions, they have a bad habit of telling the truth in a way that can be hurtful. Never ask one how your new outfit looks.
• Capricorns – This sign is the original workaholic. Many Capricorns fear that poverty will set in the moment they stop working overtime.
• Aquarius – They have such self-sufficient lives, it’s difficult for them to achieve intimacy with someone else. They’re afraid that relationships will compromise their independence.
• Pisces – As a water sign, it’s only natural that Pisceans find comfort in liquids. When those liquids have alcohol, problems can ensue. The saying ‘you drink like a fish’ is no accident!
– Fun Online Corp

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Many of these are actual headlines from supermarket tabloids, but some are total made-up BS. Ask a contestant to decide which is which while you run down the list …
• “Abducted Montana Women Found in Spacecraft’s Lab!”
• “New Alternative to Cosmetic Surgery – Velcro Boobs!” [BS]
• “Top CIA Interrogator Is an S&M Dominatrix!”
• “Two-Headed Dog Chases Tail – And Catches It!” [BS]
• “Phantom of Liberace Haunts Vegas Nightspot!”
• “Epidemic Caused By Lack of Carbohydrates!” [BS]
• “New Fat-Friendly Potties Endangering the Skinny!”
• “Bull Lives in China Shop as Mascot!” [BS]
• “Dalai Lama Loses Cool Over Bratty 6-Year-Old!”
• “Terrorist Highjacks UFO!”

BS PHONE STARTER:
YESTERDAY the world’s biggest passenger jet, the Airbus A-380 ‘super-jumbo’, had its maiden test flight in France. It won’t go into service until a full year of flight-testing is complete. Would you wanna fly on a monster plane with 500 other people on 2 decks?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average household goes through 3 of THESE a week.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Boxes of cereal.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
To err is human, to forgive is unusual.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Friday’s edition of “BS”!


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