Wednesday, April 20, 2005        Edition: #3016
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

TODAY “American Idol” host & radio jock Ryan Seacrest gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in front of the complex where he used to host his now-cancelled afternoon TV show . . . TODAY Will Smith & Ludacris headline an all-star concert in Johannesburg, South Africa celebrating the launch of MTV’s first pan-African music channel (the network’s 100th channel worldwide) . . . Word has leaked that “Amazing Race 7″ couple Rob Mariano & Amber Brkich (who met on “Survivor All-Stars”) were officially married SATURDAY at a secret ceremony in the Bahamas (Amber’s Website says the wedding will air MAY 24th on CBS-TV) . . . Courteney Cox Arquette is threatening to sue newspapers & magazines that print leaked photos of her daughter Coco’s recent christening (if you sprinkle water on Coco, wouldn’t it kinda clot up?) . . . Ben Affleck will reportedly teach acting one day a week THIS SUMMER to give other hopefuls a chance to fulfil their acting dreams (what’s that old saying – those who can’t do, teach) . . . Meantime, Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner are denying reports they’ve secretly married (and also that they were immolated in a horrific plane crash … dammit) . . . “Monday Night Football” is moving from ABC-TV to sister channel ESPN in 2006, and NBC-TV will pick up the Sunday night games formerly on ESPN . . . “Desperate Housewives” hunky gardener Jesse Metcalfe hooked up with Hollywood loser Tara Reid at “Us Weekly’s” annual ‘Young Hot Hollywood’ party, where they reportedly hung out, flirted and left together (dude, you can do so much better!) . . . Actor Russell Crowe is being blasted by his former band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, for lacking the courtesy to inform them he’d decided to break up the group – seems they found out by reading about it in a newspaper (somehow this is not surprising) . . . Russell Crowe tells “Interview” magazine he almost became a Scientologist when he first arrived in Hollywood, reading books about it and watching videos but decided against converting (imagine how annoying he could’ve been!) . . . And proving she too is searching for the great meaning to life, actress Nicole Kidman, who left school at 16 to pursue her acting career, is planning on studying for a degree in philosophy.

• Anna Nalick – TODAY the “Breathe (2am)” singer does ABC-TV’s daytime talker “The View”.
• Avril Lavigne – She’s on the verge of signing up to provide a voice for the new animated movie “Over The Edge”, in which she’d play William Shatner’s daughter.
• Jessica Simpson – She says she just stuck to her own personality while playing ‘Daisy Duke’ in the upcoming bigscreen version of “The Dukes Of Hazzard”.
• Oasis – Their new album “Don’t Believe the Truth” isn’t due for release until MAY 16th but pirated copies are already for sale on eBay THIS WEEK, a leak that could cost them a bundle.
• Usher – He claims a suitcase containing $100,000-worth of his belongings was taken from NYC’s Trump International Hotel by someone posing as a member of his entourage.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Demon Eyes’ – This is what you get if you have a brow lift and too much Botox, causing central eyebrow drop, like the devil. (For more details, see Nicole Kidman.)
• ‘Do Tank’ – A research institute that focuses on actions rather than ideas. (As opposed to a ‘Think Tank’.)
• ‘Sphincter Bleaching‘ – Fairly self-explanatory, it was previously only practised by adult film stars and sex trade workers. Nowadays, a slew of lotions, creams and coloring products are available to the general public. (Imagine the small-print warnings about side effects on these!)

Canada is the first country in the world to approve a ‘cannabis spray’ that relieves pain for people suffering from multiple sclerosis. Bayer AG will market the drug ‘Sativex’ in Canada, which is administered through a spray in the mouth. It’s expected to become available by LATE SPRING. (You can bet this will bump-up an already healthy online pharmaceutical export biz to the USA!)
– “Globe & Mail”

• A McGill University study shows that the most highly creative people seem to come from homes where the parents are constantly fighting. Howzat? Researchers suggest that kids brought up by warring parents may give up looking for praise from authority figures and decide to go their own way. (The reason Hollywood stars all bitch about a screwed-up childhood.)
• University of Maryland professor Kent Norman has done an extensive study of ‘Computer Rage’. His on-line survey to discover the actions used to punish computers found that users have cursed, smashed and dropped computers on the floor out of anger. A few who are more creative (or perhaps mad) claim to have microwaved, shot, and urinated on their computers.
• Florida researcher Nancy Nickell claims tight clothes, deodorants and too many showers wash away natural pheromones and prevent the opposite sex from picking up on your sexual signals. (Well no wonder France is the ‘country of love’!)

• 76% of women say that, given a 2nd chance, they’d marry the same man again.
• 71% of movie-goers think we should pay less if we’re forced to watch commercials before the feature presentation.
• 55% of moms admit they’ve ‘played dumb’ when the baby’s had a dirty diaper.
• 50% of women who decide to take up golf see it as a way to boost their careers.
• 40% of women admit they’ve secretly searched through their boss’s desk.
• 14% of men admit that they have never, ever changed a toilet paper roll.

• Seattle WA police have launched an investigation to determine how a patient undergoing emergency heart surgery – caught on fire! The male patient went up in flames after alcohol poured on his skin was ignited by a surgical instrument. (“The good news is your husband’s heart is fine. The bad news is it’s extra-crispy.”)
• An Essex UK motorist has suffered a broken nose while driving after he was hit by – a frozen sausage thrown through his window! (So far, police have been unable to LINK the weapon to a suspect.)
• Sweden’s beleaguered prime minister Goran Persson who’s facing a general election admits he relieves stress by compulsively consuming – cheese! He says that when pressure builds, he consumes whole plates of 4 or 5 different kinds. (Time to open a new wing at the Betty Ford!)

A Chinese tightrope walker is attempting to spend 37 days on a wire in a Nanjing park. He will spend nights in a makeshift shelter attached to the thick wire. (And when nature calls?)

The average home collects up to 40 pounds of dust each year.


1949 [56] Jessica Lange, Cloquet MN, movie actress (Oscars-“Blue Sky”, “Tootsie”)

1951 [54] Luther Vandross, NYC, pop/R&B singer (“Dance With My Father”)/stroke victim

1959 [46] Stephen Harper, Toronto ON, federal politician (leader of the Conservative Party of Canada)

1969 [36] Wade Hayes, Bethel Acres OK, country singer (“I’m Still Dancing With You”)

1972 [33] Carmen Electra (Tara Leigh Patrick), Sharonville OH, TV host (“Manhunt”)/movie actress (“Starsky & Hutch”)/Mrs Dave Navarro since 2003/ex-Mrs Dennis Rodman

TODAY is the 10th annual “International Noise Awareness Day”, originally started by NYC’s ‘League for the Hard of Hearing’ in 1996 and now observed in more than 20 countries.
PHONER: 416.410.2236 (Noise Watch, Toronto ON)
PHONER: 917.305.7700/954.731.7200 (League for the Hard of Hearing)

TODAY is “Take a Break to Reset Your Mind Day”. (Yep, there’s nothing like electro-shock therapy, right [co-host]?)

THIS WEEKEND is the 17th annual “National Dream Hotline”, sponsored by the School of Metaphysics in Windyville MO. All weekend-long you can have your dreams interpreted for free, as long as you pay the long distance charges. The most common dream symbols are teeth falling out, and being at school or work unprepared.
PHONER: 417.345.8411
Or analyze your own dreams here (click on ‘Symbols’) …

1992 [13] Madonna becomes highest-paid female pop star with Time-Warner deal to form her own entertainment company

1993 [12] Shania Twain’s self-titled 1st album is released (not a hit but it causes Nashville to note her vocal abilities, leading to her breakthrough album “The Woman In Me”)

1879 [126] 1st ‘Mobile Home’ unveiled in London

1968 [37] Pierre Elliott Trudeau 1st sworn in as Canadian PM

1973 [32] 1st ‘Commercial Satellite’ (Canada’s ANIK A-2)

1992 [13] World record ‘House of Cards’ measures 75-feet-high

[Thurs] Muhammad’s Birthday (Islamic)
[Thurs] First Day of Summer (Iceland)
[Fri] Earth Day
[Sat] World Lab Animal Day
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Sat] Passover begins at sundown (Jewish)
[Mon] St George’s Day Holiday (NL)
This Week Is . . . Karaoke Week / Bike Safety Week
This Month Is . . . Pets Are Wonderful Month / Philatelic Societies Month


• How did the ‘Keep Off The Grass’ sign get in the yard?
• What do they plant to grow ‘seedless grapes’?
• Should I weed the lawn or just say it’s a garden?
• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?
• If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

• “I’m not upset.” [Of course I’m upset, you moron!]
• “This kitchen is so inconvenient.” [I want a new house.]
• “I need new shoes.” [The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade.]
• “I heard a noise.” [I noticed you were almost asleep.]
• “Go ahead.” [At some point in the future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.]
• “I’ll be ready in a minute.” [Kick off your shoes and find a good movie on TV.]
• “Is my butt fat?” [Tell me I’m beautiful.]
• “You have to learn to communicate.” [Just agree with me.]

Your contestant must match the ad slogan to the product or company …
• “Where nature only comes in one size.” (Marineland & Game Farm, Viagra, Newfoundland & Labrador [CORRECT].)
• “No More Tears.” (Clairol Natural Instincts, Johnson’s Baby Shampoo [CORRECT], Dove Soap.)
• “M’m, M’m, Good!” (Krispy Kreme, Campbell’s Soup [CORRECT], Viagra.)
• “Our repairmen are the loneliest guys in town.” (Canadian Tire, Maytag [CORRECT], the Liberal Party of Canada.)
• “The best seat in the house.” (La-Z-Boy, Jockey Underwear [CORRECT], Crane Toilets.)
• “Roll up the rim to win!” (Crane Toilets, Tim Horton’s [CORRECT], Trojan Condoms.)
• “Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” (Dairy Queen, M&Ms [CORRECT], Wonderbra.)
• “When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.”    (FEDEX [CORRECT], Canada Post, Viagra.)
• “The future is friendly!” (Air Canada, Telus [CORRECT], the Conservative Party of Canada.)
• “5,000 Hit Wonder.” (“WWE Smackdown” , iPod [CORRECT], Louisville Slugger.)
• “All the news that’s fit to print.” (“National Enquirer”, “NY Times” [CORRECT], “Cosmopolitan”.)
• “Run for the border” (Chipotle, Taco Bell [CORRECT], or McDonald’s.)
• “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven.” (Pillsbury [CORRECT], Gerber Baby Food, Sara Lee.)
• “The best to you each morning. (“USA Today”, Victoria’s Secret, Kellogg’s [CORRECT].)

• Men! Can’t live with ’em … and no resale value.
• Hard work never killed anyone … but why chance it?

Have phone participants compete for prizes based on their ability to AVOID answering direct questions. Winners must exhibit a knack for ‘fuzzifying’ their answers just like elected officials.

• Which gender has it easier … women or men?
• Which TV personality do you hate most?
• If you had unlimited funds, what would your first purchase be?

Today’s Question: In tests, women who dabbed a little of THIS on their upper lip felt relaxed, less stressed, and experienced an overall improved mood.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Men’s perspiration.

He who tells you how great he is usually isn’t.


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