Tuesday, April 5, 2005        Edition: #3005
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

CBS-TV has announced plans to rush a Terri Schiavo bio-pic to air during MAY sweeps, with Keri Russell to star as the tragic heroine and Dean Cain as the husband who wants to let her die in peace (if they’re also working on a pope flick – we’d like Robin Williams to get the role) . . . Sicko entrepreneurs are hawking Terri Schiavo memorabilia on eBay, including a ‘Feed Me’ T-shirt and a ‘mixed media cuff bracelet’ representing Terri Schiavo as Joan of Arc at rest amidst red & black roses . . . Talk about your skinflint Scot – wrinkle rocker Rod Stewart is reportedly trying to get discounts on designer wedding gowns for his bride-to-be Penny Lancaster . . . “Desperate Housewives” babe Eva Longoria is the latest to sign a $1-million-plus deal with cosmetics giant L’Oreal, following in the footsteps of Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Imbruglia and Beyoncé . . . Meantime, Britney Spears’ people have reportedly been trying to get her a cameo on “Desperate Housewives”, something unlikely to happen because producers think big-name guests would detract from the main characters . . . And word has it actors Kirsten Dunst & Jake Gyllenhaal are getting set to wed, after claiming they ‘faked’ their break-up LAST YEAR – in order to avoid publicity (yeah, that seemed to work for Brad & Jennifer).

• Avril Lavigne – She’ll spend most of the summer on the road in North America, beginning JULY 13th in London ON. The tour will feature some acoustic versions of hits, plus Avril playing drums and piano. Gavin DeGraw will open some of the shows.
• Gwen Stefani – She tops the annual list of the ‘100 Best Dressed Women’ to be published in the MAY issue of “Harpers & Queen” magazine.
• Lenny Kravitz – TONIGHT he kicks off his 27-date “Electric Church: One Night Only!” North American theater tour in Dallas TX.
• Lisa Marie Presley – TODAY her 2nd album “Now What” is out, featuring her cover version of Don Henley’s 1982 hit “Dirty Laundry”. She’s been hitting all the TV talk shows flogging it, including TODAY’s edition of the syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Madonna – File this one under “You know you’re a bad actress when …”. Her cameo role as a female crime boss has been cut out of husband Guy Ritchie’s upcoming movie “Revolver”.
• Smashing Pumpkins – TODAY all 227 of their recordings become available for digital download for the first time … legally, that is.

• “Sideways” (Dramedy – DVD): Paul Giamatti & Thomas Haden Church star in Alexander Payne’s buddy pic about best friends taking a bachelor party on the road through California vineyard country, lubricated by the wine that flows throughout the film. Co-stars Sandra Oh & Virginia Madsen. Nominated for 5 Oscars, winning ‘Best Screenplay’; Golden Globes for ‘Screenplay’ and ‘Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy’. The movie made such an impression on fans, sales of Pinot Noir wines rose by over 20% during the holiday season.
• “Spanglish” (Romantic Comedy – DVD): Adam Sandler & Tea Leoni star as an affluent couple whose lives are turned on end when a Mexican housekeeper and her daughter join the household. Paz Vega & Cloris Leachman co-star.
• “Elektra” (Action – DVD): Jennifer Garner spins off her character from “Daredevil”, who is released from hospital after a near-death experience to become an assassin. Unlike most comic book heroes ‘Elektra’ has no physical super-powers, but does have the ability to see into the future, a skill known as ‘Kimagure’. Goran Visnjic & Terence Stamp co-star.
• “Fade to Black” (Documentary – DVD): A look at rapper Jay-Z’s career, providing a backstage glimpse during his ‘farewell performance’ as a solo artist and showing how his last album was conceived. Narrated by Jay-Z himself, with guest performances by Beyoncé, Missy Elliott, Mary J Blige, R Kelly, Pharrell Williams, P Diddy & Kanye West.

What are the odds one of your co-workers is about to snap? Pretty good if he’s …
• Male, over the age of 35, with a significant amount of time on the job.
• A loner who usually eats by himself.
• Chronically disgruntled, with disdain for authority and contempt for the boss.
• Strongly identifies himself with his job.
• Never admits responsibility.
• Views any change as a personal affront.
• Has recently had problems outside work, such as divorce or debt.
(My god, it’s [co-host]!)
– “Psychology Today”

Teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who’s been surfing competitively since age 11 (even though she lost her left arm in a shark attack off Hawaii a couple years back), is launching 2 fragrances aimed at capturing the smell of the ocean. The new scents are both named in ‘surfer speak’ – ‘Stoked’ is for girls and ‘Wired’ for guys. A percentage of sales will go to World Vision, an international humanitarian organization. Hamilton claims the scents suggest all the good aromas and memories of a great day at the beach. (The essence of dead seagull with just a hint of oil.)
– “USA Today”

Puerto Rico is home to the happiest people in the world, according to a recent study by the World Values Survey, a Swedish-based network of social scientists. Puerto Ricans somehow manage to face low incomes, high murder rates and double-digit unemployment by placing emphasis on family and a readiness to celebrate anything, anywhere, anytime. And that, apparently, is the secret to a high quality of life. Mexico, Denmark, Ireland, Iceland, Switzerland, Northern Ireland, Colombia, the Netherlands and Canada round out the top 10. The USA ranks 15th. The least happy place on Earth? Indonesia. (And the survey was taken BEFORE the tsunami.)
– “Orlando Sentinel”

• Male ballet dancers in Australia are letting it all hang out in contract talks, demanding more – G-strings and jockstraps. A union rep says some progress has been made: it asked for 5 jockstraps per dancer and got 4, but the G-string issue, however, is still up in the air. (So to speak.)
• Japanese company SolidAlliance has developed a USB memory stick for computers that is also a – ghost detector. ‘GhostRadar’ purportedly detects invisible phenomena and gives off both audio and visual alarms in response to unusual magnetic waves. It’s said to be perfect for people who spend spooky late nights alone at the computer. The device’s memory and spook detector functions are not linked. (Hey, it’s no dumber than a phone with video games!)
• A woman in Myanmar is breastfeeding – a pair of tiger cubs! The Royal Bengal Tiger babies had to be separated from their aggressive mother at Yangon Zoo, so the 40-year-old mother of 3 volunteered to serve as a surrogate, at least until tiny tiger teeth begin to grow. She feeds the cubs for 30 minutes, 4 times a day. (“What cute babies and they look just like you!”)

Highlights of a new poll of more than 1,500 adults by the National Sleep Foundation …
• 87% of adults usually watch TV in the hour before going to bed, 64% read, and 47% claim they usually have sex.
• 77% complain that their partner has a sleep-related problem … usually snoring.
• 60% of drivers admit to having driven while drowsy in the past year.
• 50% of respondents say they get a good sleep on most nights.
• 30% of employed adults have missed work, made errors or missed some activity because of sleep-related issues in the past 3 months.
• 25% of those in relationships say they have sex less often or have lost interest in sex because they are too sleepy.
• 4% of drivers have had an accident or near-accident due to dozing while driving.
National Sleep Foundation director, Dr Meir Kryger of the University of Manitoba, recommends that adults get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night but the survey finds we average just 6.9 hours. (In-a-row? What luxury!)
– Reuters

This is “Worldwide Innovation Month”, a good time to review the annual ‘Lemelson-MIT Invention Index’ of the gizmos and gadgets that we most hate, but can’t live without. 2005’s top 5 worst offenders that most of us say we simply must have are: the cellphone, alarm clock, TV, razors, and the microwave oven.
– CNN/Money
• Glow-in-the-Dark Sundial
• Impact-Triggered Parachute
• All-Terrain Roller Blades
• Camouflage Billboard
• Diet Celery

1. Las Vegas NV (median price up 47.3% over past 12 months)
2. Riverside-San Bernadino CA (34.7%)
3. West Palm Beach-Boca Raton FL (34%)
4. Bradenton FL (32%)
5. Sacramento CA (31.5%)
– CNN/Money

On average, human hair grows at a rate of about a half-inch per month.


1937 [68] General Colin Powell, NYC, former US Secretary of State (2001-05)/former Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff (1989-1993)/former National Security Adviser (1987-89)

1950 [55] Agnetha Faltskog, Jonkoping, Sweden, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”, “Mamma Mia”)

1965 [40] Mike McCready, Pensacola FL, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”, “Jeremy”)

1967 [38] Troy Gentry, Lexington KY, country singer (Montgomery Gentry-“Gone”, “All Night Long”)

1972 [33] Pat Green, San Antonio TX, country singer (“Baby Doll”, “Carry On”)

1973 [32] Pharrell Williams, Virginia Beach VA, hip-hop artist (w/Snoop Dogg-“Drop It Like It’s Hot”))/music producer (his writing & producing duo The Neptunes have manufactured hits for Britney Spears, *NSYNC, No Doubt, Usher, Nelly, Jay-Z, Ludacris & many others)

TODAY is designated as Canada’s ‘National Day’ at “Expo 2005″ in Aichi, Japan. Celebrations include a spectacular show at the Expo Dome, the world fair’s main concert venue, starring Alanis Morissette & Corneille.

TODAY is also –
• “Make Your Children Laugh Day”, because it’s a helluva lot easier than making adults laugh.
• “Go For Broke Day”, a day to throw caution to the wind and go all out, give it all you’ve got, don’t hold back, all or nothing, start giving 110%, let ‘er rip, balls to the wall!
• “Equal Pay Day”, promoting equal pay for equal work.
• “Road Map Day”, the highlight of “Reading a Road Map Week”, which promotes map reading as an ‘enjoyable pastime’ and survival skill for drivers.

1987 [18] FOX-TV debuts with 2 Sunday night programs – “Married … With Children” and “The Tracey Ullman Show”

1985 [20] The song “We Are the World” is played simultaneously on more than 5,000 radio stations worldwide, in aid of the Africa Relief Fund

1970 [35] 1st ‘Nerf Ball’ (next day, a lamp gets knocked over during 1st game of touch football in the living room)

2000 [05] ‘Loudest Burp’ on record, according to “Guinness Book of Records” (Paul Hunn lets one fly that registers 118.1 decibels, the equivalent of sitting in the front row at a rock concert)

[Wed] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Charlottetown PEI)
[Wed] Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Thurs] The Masters begins (Augusta GA)
[Thurs] World Health Day
[Fri] “Sahara” and “Fever Pitch” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Pope John Paul II’s funeral
This Week Is . . . Testicular Cancer Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Amateur Radio Month

Radiator Repair Shop – “A Great Place to Take a Leak!”
Plastic Surgeon  – “Let Us Pick Your Nose!”
Funeral Home – “Drive Carefully. We’ll Wait!”
Electrician – “Let Us Remove Your Shorts!”
Tire Store – “We Skid You Not!”
Plastic Surgeon – “The Breast Is Yet to Come!”
Tax Accountant – “Many Happy Returns!”
Vacuum Cleaner Shop – “We Suck!”
(Ask listeners for more.)

Spring Creek, Nevada taxidermist Jeanette Hall has come up with a strange way to keep the memory of dead pets alive – cushions made from their fur. She’s already sold hundreds of ‘Pet Pillows’ worldwide in just a couple of months. You simply send in your pet’s carcass and she’ll transform it into a comfy little cushion with cat or dog fur on one side and the fabric of your choice on the other. Hall claims most animal lovers are thrilled to have a permanent reminder of their 4-legged friend. (“Hey, you’re sitting on Puffy!”)
PHONER: 775.397.1121 (Studio)/775.777.1400 (Home)
NET: http://www.jeanettestaxidermy.com/index.html

• I was planning on getting a degree in history until I realized there was no future in it.
• Christina Aguilera just recorded an album under her aboriginal name, Spread Eagle. (Thanks to Jann Arden)
• The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

Today’s Question: Women are 4 times more likely to have THIS in their car than men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A stuffed animal.

So many idiots, so few comets.


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