Monday, April 26, 2004        Edition: #2775
Here’s More Bull Roar!

TACKY YET TITILLATING BS:
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Beyoncé has made several secret visits to London’s “Madame Tussauds” to be measured up for her likeness in wax. The museum’s completed waxwork will be interactive with a special mechanism enabling it to – shake its booty just like B!
• Meantime, “Daily Dish” reports that Beyoncé hired a bevy of look-alike decoys to sunbathe topless while she was vacationing with Jay-Z in the south of France. The paparazzi were totally confused as to whom was the real deal.
• “News of the World” says philandering Brit soccer star David Beckham has landed a $3.5-million contract to star in a worldwide ad campaign for Gillette. It’s the first deal set up for him by his new management company, 19 Entertainment, owned by “American Idol” creator Simon Fuller.
• “Star” magazine claims Hollywood is abuzz with rumors that Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are not only starring as a married couple in the upcoming movie “Mr & Mrs. Smith” but are acting like a couple off-camera as well. The ‘evidence’ – employees of an LA hotel reportedly spotted them ‘making out’ in a lounge area.
• “National Enquirer” reports that legendary actor Paul Newman is urging Princeton University students to put an end to its annual “Newman Day” on campus. The tradition calls for students to drink 24 beers in 24 hours and comes from a quote attributed to Newman, “24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence? I think not.” Newman insists he never said it, and is militantly against substance abuse of any kind. His son Scott died of drub abuse.
• According to “Hollywood Reporter”, FOX-TV is the only broadcast network interested in TV rights to Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”. (And they’ll likely make it into a reality show.)
• “E! Online” reports that “The Bachelor” reality TV show creator Mike Fleiss will serve as executive producer on TBS’s upcoming reality version of … “Gilligan’s Island”.
• “People” magazine says Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown took a break from their high-profile probs with a getaway to the Bahamas. Not your average vacationing couple, however – Bobby just wanted to chill after his latest stint in the slammer, while Whitney brought along her own personal – rehab counselor!

“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Europe to Become Giant Theme Park!”
• “Humans Evolved from Pigs!”
• “Angel Shot Down By US Troops!”
• “Al Qaeda Recruits Zombies as Suicide Bombers!”
• “The Fart of Doom!”
• “Baby Dinosaur Alive in Catskills!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alanis Morissette/Barenaked Ladies – They’ll launch a 22-date US tour beginning JULY 13th in Cleveland OH, alternating as headliners.
• Jo Dee Messina – It’s been confirmed she entered a 30-day rehab program in Utah in FEBRUARY and continues to get treatment on an outpatient basis.
• Jay-Z – In return for performing at Prince Charles’ “Prince’s Trust Urban Music Festival” NEXT MONTH he seriously demanded – a knighthood. His bid was obviously rejected but he & Beyoncé will perform anyway.
• Sheryl Crow – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.

• LeAnn Rimes – SATURDAY she’ll perform on the finalé of TV’s country music talent search show “Nashville Star”.

IT’S THE WET-P3:
British student Sam James has invented a digital music player that works – underwater! His ‘Soundwaves’ device clips onto an ordinary pair of swimming goggles. Once it and the goggles are in place, swimmers are able to hear their favorite tunes vibrating inside their heads. (Wow, think of the implications for synchronized swimming in the Olympics this summer. Okay, now quit thinking about it.)
– “Owl” magazine.

STILL NO CARRY-OUT:
Within a decade supermarkets will be completely transformed for hi-tech transactions, according to grocery industry analysts. New ‘Pay-by-Touch’ systems and microchips embedded into each product will mean that shopping will be as simple as grab it, bag it, and go. Sensors will ring up goods within seconds, and a fingerprint-reading device will enable shoppers to access their individual accounts. (How long before rubber gloves with fake finger prints come out?)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

CLASSICAL TRAINING:
New research conducted at Stanford University has discovered a molecular basis for the so-called ‘Mozart Effect’, the theory that listening to Mozart’s music may improve learning and memory. In experiments higher levels of several agents involved in stimulating and changing the connections between brain cells were observed in lab rats that heard a Mozart sonata. (It’s the opposite of the ‘Godsmack Effect’.)
– “New Scientist”

MOTHER’S MOO:
How much government money went into this little project? An in-depth University of Missouri study of the language of cows shows that not all ‘moos’ are created equal. Despite how similar they may sound to the human ear every ‘moo’ is distinctive, some telling calves exactly where their mommy cow is in the herd. (Well that’s the moos, the weather in a moment …)
– “Science”

HEY, WANNA LOOK 16 AGAIN?
A recent study on sexual habits finds that women who have sex at least twice a week look years younger than their actual age. (Whoa! A new line to use at the club Saturday night!)
– “Lancet”

THOUGHT CONTROL:
Massachusetts-based CyberKinetics Inc will soon begin clinical trials of ‘BrainGate’, a system of brain-implanted computer chips designed to allow severely disabled people to control a computer. Here’s how it works – users simply think about performing specific tasks while researchers identify the brain activity associated with each of them. It’s hoped that eventually the brain activity will cause the chips to perform the desired function. (Someday we’re all gonna have a chip in the head, because we’ll be too damn lazy to actually pick up the TV remote.)
– “Boston Herald”

BS BY THE NUMBERS:
• 40% of drivers suffer a roadside breakdown each year. About 32% are flat tires, while 10% simply run out of gas.
• 40% of people polled think that ‘sickles’, the money used in the “Harry Potter” stories, is a real foreign currency.
• 47% of us admit that we’ve talked to an ATM machine.
• Santa Barbara County CA has spent $273,000 on the Michael Jackson case so far. On the other hand, an expert estimates Jackson is spending up to $100,000 a month just for ‘spin control’.

THE BULL SHEET 04.26.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [71] Carol Burnett, San Antonio TX, legendary TV comedian (“Carol Burnett Show”)/2003 Kennedy Center Honoree

1963 [41] Jet Li, Beijing CHI, movie actor (“Cradle 2 the Grave”, “Romeo Must Die”)

1965 [39] Kevin James, Stony Brook NY, TV sitcom actor (‘Doug Heffernan’ on “The King of Queens” since 1998)

1970 [34] Tionne ‘T-Boz’ Watkins, Des Moines IA, former pop singer (TLC-“Scrubs”, “Waterfalls”)

1977 [27] Tom Welling, NYC, TV actor (‘Clark Kent’ on “Smallville”)

1996 [08] Jennifer Katherine Gates, Seattle WA, billionaire Bill Gate’s daughter/heir to the Microsoft fortune

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[NL] St George’s Day holiday

TODAY is “Richter Scale Day”, saluting the open-ended earthquake scale invented by American seismologist Charles Richter, born 104 years ago TODAY (1900). Technically an earthquake could be a ‘10′, though none has ever been measured. The 1964 Alaska quake was the most powerful ever recorded in North America, reaching 8.5 on the scale.

TODAY is “National Pretzel Day”, honoring the world’s oldest snack food. Pretzels were made as early as 610 AD by monks in France and Italy using scraps of dough formed into strips to represent a child’s arms folded in prayer.  

TODAY is “Tell A Story Day”, which either refers to reading to children or lying to your significant other about where you were Saturday night.

TODAY hug a tree ’cause it’s “National Arbor Day” in the USA … at least, it will be if a lobby group ever gets a law passed that’s been pending since 1970.

TOMORROW more than 30 countries are expected to participate in the 9th annual “International Noise Awareness Day”, designed to educate the general public about the harmful effects of noise on hearing, health and the quality of life. It’s a good day to play ‘Name That Noise’, when listeners try to guess pre-recorded sounds (if they’re local sounds, even better!)
PHONER: 519.826.5833 (Noise Watch-Guelph ON)
PHONER: 416.590.1827 (Noise Watch-Toronto ON)
You can test your hearing online here …
NET: http://www3.sympatico.ca/noisewatch

PHONER: 917.305.7700 (League For the Hard of Hearing, NYC)
PHONER: 954.731.7200 (League For the Hard of Hearing, Oakland Park FL)
NET: http://www.lhh.org/noise

THIS WEEK is the 1st annual “Skin Pigmentation Awareness Week”, encouraging the millions who suffer from skin pigmentation disorders to consult a dermatologist. The most common pigmentation disorders are ‘melasma’ (dark blotches on the face, forehead or neck), ‘solar lentigo’ (brown spots on sun-exposed skin), and ‘vitiligo’ (white spots on the skin, the condition made famous by Michael Jackson).

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [05] “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” begins airing in HDTV

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1921 [83] 1st ‘weather reports’ on radio (WEW St Louis)

1930 [74] 1st ‘twin’ Popsicle marketed, so Depression-era kids could split a treat

1941 [63] Chicago Cubs use 1st organ in a baseball stadium (duh duh duh duh da duuuuuh CHARGE!!)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Hairball Awareness Day
[Tues] Sense of Smell Day
[Wed] Kiss Your Mate Day
[Wed] Great Poetry Reading Day
[Thurs] Zipper Day
[Thurs] National Puppetry Day
[Fri] Canadian Income Tax deadline
[Fri] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
[Fri] National Honesty Day
[Fri] International Walk Day
[Sat] Genie Awards

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Keep America Beautiful Week
Canada-US Goodwill Week
Egg Salad Week
Big Brothers/Sisters Appreciation Week
Forest Week
Jewish Heritage Week
Week of the Young Child
Intergenerational Week
YMCA Week
Reading Is Fun Week
Sky Awareness Week
Consumer Protection Week
Teacher Appreciation Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS LAWS OF LIFE:

• Everything ‘depends’.
• Nothing is ‘always’.
• Everything is ‘sometimes’.
• Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know … only more so.
• Do not stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Can atheists get insurance for ‘acts of God’?
• Howz come when you blow in your dog’s face he gets mad but when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window?
• If quitters never win and winners never quit what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
• At an all-you-can-eat buffet should you have to pay regular price if you eat less than you can?
• Are children ever ruly?
• What was going through the mind of the first person who pulled on a cow’s udder?

BS TRIVIA:
• What does a ‘herpetologist’ study?
a. Herpes & Other STDs
b. Snakes & Other Reptiles [CORRECT]
c. Herbs & Other Spices

• Which Canadian province is named after the Cree word for ‘great spirit’?
a. Manitoba [CORRECT]
b. Saskatchewan
c. Ontario.

• In what game would you play the position of ‘hooker’?
a. Soccer
b. Stickball
c. Rugby [CORRECT]

• You’ve just heard a ‘scroop’. What did you hear?
a. The mating call of a moose.
b. The rustle of silk. [CORRECT]
c. A phlegm-filled cough.

• How wide is an official hockey net?
a. 6 feet [CORRECT]
b. 8 feet
c. Varies depending on size of arena.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• After the last downsizing the boss said, “We’re no longer lean and mean … now we’re bony and angry!”
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• It’s a dog-eat-dog world … and I’m wearing Milk Bone shorts.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted to get paid.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You may save these or throw them away but the average person gets 8 of them per year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Birthday cards.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you want your eggs hatched, sit on them yourself.

CIGM Sudbury ON & WXEF Effingham just signed on for another year of “BS”. This week we welcome samplers that include Ben Hagen @ KCRC Tulsa OK, Dave Turenne @ WIBQ Sarasota FL, Fisher Alexander @ KNOE Monroe LA, Richard Fleming @ COUNTRY 104 Thunder Bay ON. Hey, thanks for being a “Bull” market!

 


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