Friday, April 16, 2004        Edition: #2769
Your Show Sounds Like Sheet!

TODAY Courtney Love’s trial on disorderly conduct & drug charges is scheduled to begin, and a judge has already ruled that a urine test taken at the time can be used as evidence (she correctly tells the new “Blender” magazine, “I’m covered with loser dust.”) . . . TOMORROW at the “Icons of 20th Century Music” sale in Dallas TX, final bids will be taken on a 1910 upright piano that  Elton John used to write his early hits like “Tiny Dancer” and “Your Song” . . . “The Simpsons” creator Matt Groening will make his first guest voice appearance on SUNDAY’s show . . . SUNDAY some 1,000 former “Playboy” bunnies & Playboy Club employees will gather at the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas for a reunion (or as Hef’ calls it – smorgasbord!) . . . SUNDAY Jessica Simpson, Patti LaBelle, Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper & Joss Stone perform at the “VH1 Divas” special (Josh a diva?), live from the MGM Grand in Vegas (Kylie Minogue dramatically cancelled, but nobody recalls inviting her) . . . A 2-hour NBC-TV reality special called “The One That Got Away” will feature a bachelor sharing a house with 7 contestants – all of them ex-girlfriends! (airs MAY 31st) . . . And thank-you William Hung – the WB is developing a new “American Idol”-style talent show called “Superstar USA” in which really awful singers are advanced, but they aren’t let in on the joke until the final episode . . . By the way, William Hung’s new “Inspiration” CD sold 38,000 copies its first week.

• Ruben Studdard – THIS WEEK Ohio State Troopers pulled over his tour bus near Cleveland and busted 3 crew members for pot possession. Ruben, who was not on the bus, was reportedly furious when he found out and immediately ‘dealt with the issue’. (Dude, they were just “Flying Without Wings”.)
• Tim McGraw – His as-yet-untitled new album is expected to be in stores AUGUST 31st. The first single should be out sometime in MAY.
• Jon Bon Jovi – TONIGHT he kicks off the “Change Starts With U: Kerry Campus Tour 2004″ in support of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, at the University of Pittsburgh.
• Michael Jackson – His lawyer calls a new claim by 45-year-old Scott Thorson ‘false trash’. The former lover of Liberace says he twice had sex romps with Michael in the early ’80s.
• Outkast – THIS WEEK a party at NYC club Crobar celebrated the 10-millionth-copy sold of their album “Speakerboxx/The Love Below”. Guests included actress Natalie Portman and Jay-Z & Beyoncé, who arrived in his chauffeured Maybach Mercedes with draped windows.
• Carolyn Dawn Johnson – THIS WEEK she previewed material from her upcoming album “Dress Rehearsal” at a private concert for media, friends & supporters at Nashville’s Belcourt Theater.

• ”Kill Bill: Vol. 2” (Action Thriller): This is the answer to the question “What the hell was director Quentin Tarantino doing on “American Idol” as a guest judge this week?”. In this, the second half of his martial arts thriller, ‘The Bride’ continues her quest for vengeance against ex-boss ‘Bill’ and his assassination team associates. Stay through the credits for a blooper scene.
• “Connie & Carla” (Comedy): Nia Vardalos, who wrote & starred in 2002’s surprise blockbuster “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, and Toni Collette, whose breakout role came with the Australian hit “Muriel’s Wedding”, co-star as pals who go undercover as drag queens – women disguised as guys dressed as women. Vardalos again wrote the screenplay – another hit, or was “Greek Wedding” a fluke?
• “The Punisher” (Comic Book Action): After his wife and family are killed, G-Man ‘Frank Castle’ (Tom Jane) takes it upon himself to rid America of crime by acting as judge, jury and executioner. Marvel Comics is giving away a special reprint edition of “Amazing Spider-Man #129″, the 1974 comic book that first featured ‘The Punisher’, to movie patrons while supplies last.

Competitors in SUNDAY’s “London Marathon” in the UK will be able to send free text messages to friends to update them on their progress. The service uses a small timing chip attached to a runner’s shoelaces and sensor mats at the start, finish and at various points along the racecourse. Each time the chip crosses a sensor mat, it is identified and a personalized message is sent to up to 3 of the runner’s supporters.
– “Ananova”

Psychiatrist Dr Mark Rubenstein says the way to a man’s heart is through his – ego. All you have to do is flatter him about the following …
• Physical – Tell him he’s strong or masculine.
• Appearance – Tell him how good looking he is, but don’t call him ‘cute’. Puppies are cute.
• Sensual – Tell him you love the sound of his voice, or that you like the way he smells.
• Occupation – Flatter his job responsibilities. Tell him you’re proud of what he does.
• Grooming – Say that his clothes always look good on him, that he looks like George Clooney.
• Sexuality – Tell him he’s great in bed. There’s no better compliment for a man.
(So basically, the way to keep a man is – lie like a rug!)

The art of smiling is being seriously pursued as an effective method of self-improvement in Japan. Over 80% of smile therapy fans are women, who use it as a method to ease stress caused by work and social pressures. Smile therapy tip – it’s okay if your smile tends to be artificial at first. Your brain will eventually begin to relax as you train your facial muscles.
– “Nikkei Weekly”

• 94% of teen girls agree with the statement, ‘My mother is my friend’. (Awww.)
• 70% of middle school kids consider sitting at the front of a school bus ‘uncool’.
• 35% of us say that cleaning venetian blinds is the most tedious Spring-cleaning job.
• Just 31% of kids get to ‘play outside’ these days.
• 10% of us have switched price tags to save money while shopping.
• Only 7% of wives trust their husbands to do the laundry correctly.

90 million American adults – nearly half the adult population – have ‘limited health literacy’, problems following instructions on drug labels, interpreting hospital consent forms, and understanding a doctor’s diagnosis and instructions.
– Institute of Medicine


1947 [57] Gerry Rafferty, Paisley SCOT, oldies singer (“Baker Street”, “Right Down the Line”)

1965 [39] Martin Lawrence, Frankfurt-am-Maim GER, movie actor (“Bad Boys 1 & 2″, “Big Momma’s House”)

1959 [45] Sean Bean, Sheffield UK, movie actor (‘Boromir’ in “Lord of the Rings” films)  UP NEXT: Plays ‘Odysseus’ opposite Brad Pitt’s ‘Achilles’ in the upcoming epic “Troy”, opening MAY 14th.

1967 [37] Liz Phair, New Haven CT, rock singer (“Extraordinary”, “Why Can’t I”)

1972 [32] Jennifer Garner, Houston TX, TV actress (‘Sydney Bristow’ on “Alias” since 2001)/movie actress (“Catch Me If You Can”, “Pearl Harbor”)

1974 [30] Victoria Beckham (Adams), Goff’s Oak UK, former pop singer (ex-‘Posh Spice’ of Spice Girls-“Wannabe”) who is rumored to be 7-weeks-pregnant with her 3rd child/married to Brit soccer star David Beckham (Real Madrid) since 1999  FACTOID: They’ve unleashed lawyers to deal with recent allegations he’s had at least 2 extramarital affairs.

TODAY is “Stress Awareness Day”, focusing on one of the world’s leading health problems and a highlight of “Stress Awareness Month”.
• Get out of the line of fire. Don’t sit directly across from an entrance door.
• Cover your back. Sit with your back to a wall so you’re not always worrying about what’s going on behind you.
• Always remember that you are not your job. Work is just one part of your life.
• If all else fails, eating peppermints can help relieve stress, according to “First for Women” magazine.

TODAY is “CPAs Goof-Off Day”, a day for accountants to chill out after the pressures of making the “Tax Day” deadline.

TODAY is “Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day”, as declared by pajama-maker PajamaGram. The idea is to give yourself a comfort break. (And perhaps the opportunity to look for a new job.)

TODAY is “National Eggs Benedict Day”, a day to enjoy heart-attack-on-a-plate: Poached eggs topped with back bacon (what Americans insist on calling ‘Canadian bacon’) served on toasted English muffins and slathered in Hollandaise sauce – made of even more egg-yolks and butter.

TOMORROW is “Blah Blah Blah Day”, a day to stop smoking, take out the trash, lose weight, empty the kitty litter, get a job, quit a job … whatever.

THIS WEEKEND is the annual “World Grits Festival” in St George SC, celebrating that mushy grey stuff some people actually put in their mouths. Events include the obligatory ‘Grits Eating Contest’ and the ‘Rolling in the Grits Contest’.

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 Wayne Gretzky announces retirement after 20 NHL seasons (all-time scoring leader is inducted into Hockey Hall of Fame 7 months later and his famous #99 is retired by ALL NHL teams)

1863 [141] ‘Lacrosse’ 1st named Canada’s national sport (now shares designation with hockey)

1956 [48] 1st ‘solar powered radio’ (only works about 3 times a year in Vancouver)

1989 [15] Kelly Gruber becomes 1st Toronto Blue Jay to ‘hit for the cycle’ (Jeff Frye also accomplishes it in 2001)

1929 [75] 1st MLB team with uniform numbers (NY Yankees)

1986 [18] 1st ‘test-tube baby’ is born (Cleveland OH)

1996 [08] Chicago Bulls win NBA-record 70th regular season game

[Sat] Canadian Equality Day
[Sat] International Ford Mustang Day
[Sun] Pet Owners Independence Day
[Sun] Teach Children to Save Day
[Sun] International Jugglers Day
[Mon] 108th Boston Marathon
[Mon] Garlic Day
[Mon] 10th TV-Turnoff Week begins
This Week Is . . . Be Kind to Animals Week / Harmony Week
This Month Is . . . Welding Month / Woodworking Month


You buy a car for its safety rating.
You only get to eat steak on special occasions.
You get religious every time you get seriously ill.
You know your resting heart rate.
You say ‘we’re pregnant’ instead of ‘she’s pregnant’.
Saturday night is ‘whoopee’ night.
The first thing you think about before going anywhere is the ‘bathroom situation’.
Hookers always tell you, “Sorry, not on the first date.”

You give the catchphrase, your contestant tries to name the TV show …
“Bam!” … Food Channel chef Emeril Lagasse.
“Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” … Ed McMahon opening “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson”.
“Eat My Shorts” … ‘Bart’ on “The Simpsons”.
“Just the facts, ma’am” … ‘Sergeant Joe Friday’ on “Dragnet”.
“Good grief!” …. Charlie Brown in “Peanuts” specials.
“Dee plane, boss! Dee plane!” … ‘Tattoo’ on “Fantasy Island”.
“Final answer?” … “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
“Beam me up, Scotty!” … “Star Trek”.
“You’re fired!” … “The Apprentice”.
“D’oh!” … ‘Homer Simpson’ on “The Simpsons”.
“Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver?” … ‘June Cleaver’ to husband ‘Ward’ on “Leave it to Beaver”.

• Whyzit shopping carts don’t come with horns?
• Whyzit we call it the back ‘yard’ when it’s so much bigger than that?
• Whyzit ‘his-and-hers gifts’ are always for her?
• Whyzit we say we ‘lose’ our virginity when we know exactly where it went?
• Whyzit there are ‘No Shoplifting’ signs in some stores? Are there others where it’s okay?
• Whyzit honey comes in plastic bears and not plastic bees?
• Whyzit people hate ‘your guts’? Why not ‘your arrogance’ or ‘your lack of taste’?

One of these statements is total BS, but which?
1. Caffeine is found in the leaves, seeds, and fruits of over 60 plants.
2. A single cup of coffee typically contains about 100 mg of caffeine.
3. Caffeine is one of the best things to ‘sober you up’. [BS. Caffeine will not help.]

• My friends say “[Guy host], you’re going through an identity crisis.” But that’s not what my gynecologist says.
• If your teenager wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in his way.
• Remember, when one door closes another one usually falls on top of you.

Today’s Question: 41% of us say we use a shoe to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Flush a public toilet.

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