Thursday, April 15, 2004        Edition: #2768
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

TONIGHT it’s cigar salesman Bill Rancic (favored at 10/13 odds) vs Harvard man Kwame Jackson in the live, 2-hour finalé of Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice” (Trump has already managed to renegotiate a doubling of his $50,000 per episode fee for the next series – peanuts to him) . . . A deal to issue the soon-to-appear ‘Trump Rewards’ platinum VISA card was already made before “The Apprentice” began airing (VISA’s laughing all the way to the … well, the bank) . . . “The Apprentice” is up against some stiff competition – the “American Idol” results show (delayed by President Bush’s ill-timed press conference), “Survivor: All-Stars”, and TV’s #1 show, “CSI” (oh for a TiVo!) . . . Mel Gibson’s production company has begun negotiations for future TV rights to “The Passion of the Christ”, stipulating it must run in its entirety with none of the gore edited out . . . The “Nick & Jessica Variety Hour” on Easter Sunday attracted a big enough audience for ABC-TV to give the go-ahead for another special ahead of Christmas (just a warning) . . . Actor Johnny Depp says longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis is THE woman of his life and if she ever asked to wed, he’d do it in a second (sorry, girls) . . .  Word is “The Bachelorette” Meredith Phillips & fiancé Ian McKee are busting up after only a month (hey, it’s all about the money, ain’t it?) . . . Actor Ashton Kutcher is returning to his roots as a model – he just shot the first series of ads for the new clothing line ‘Zoo York’ . . . And NASCAR racer Jeff Gordon is said to have signed a new licensing deal with Elizabeth Arden to market a cologne based on his name and image (“For when you want to smell like 10W30 …”).

• Britney Spears – Her manicurist reveals she just can’t seem to stop biting her toenails, but  correctly points out it’s amazing that she’s flexible enough to do it.
• Jennifer Lopez – In a new “Glamour” magazine piece on the her beauty secrets, she insists she isn’t as physically perfect as people think. She’s far from happy with her ‘skinny ankles’.
• Jay-Z – He & actor Robert De Niro are reportedly deadlocked over the selling price for De Niro’s NYC triplex. The Z-man’s offering 13.5, but Bobby wants 15 … million, that is.
• Nelly – Word has it he & Ashanti have been quietly dating. If true, that would be a hip-hop couple to rival Beyoncé & Jay-Z.
• Madonna – She’s having false eyelashes custom-made for her upcoming tour by the same woman who made those infamous mink lashes for J-Lo.
• Madonna – Her hit “Vogue” has been rewritten for the Reinvention tour. The lyrics now say, “Britney Spears & Minogue, Aguilera and J-Lo, Jessica Simpson, Avril Lavigne; On the cover of a magazine. They have style, they have sass; Missy E kicks some ass!”
• Justin Timberlake – When “Girl Next Door” actress Elisha Cuthbert visited him on the Vancouver set of the now-shooting movie “Edison”, they passed some down-time playing ball hockey in a parking lot.

“Something’s Gotta Give” star Diane Keaton will next play one of 3 female janitors who attempt to rob the Federal Reserve in the heist picture “Mad Money” . . .  Actress Gretchen Mol has signed on to play 1950s-era bondage model & pop culture icon Bettie Page in a bio-film called “The Ballad Of Bettie Page” . . . “Traffic’s” director Steven Soderbergh & Oscar-winning star Benicio Del Toro will team up again on “Che”, a biopic about Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara . . . Veteran Canadian actor Christopher Plummer will play Boston’s controversial Cardinal Bernard Law in “Our Fathers”, a Showtime movie about the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic church.

Donald Trump’s World Bar has concocted ‘the world’s most expensive cocktail’ to toast TONIGHT’s winner of “The Apprentice”. The $1,000 drink called “You’re Fired!” contains L’Esprit de Courvoisier, which retails at $6,000 a bottle. For more budget-minded “Apprentice” wannabes, there’s a $10 version made with bourbon, Cointreau, lemon juice and grenadine.
– “NY Post”

LAST NIGHT was the last chance to bid for a berth on a private spacecraft that will crash into the lunar surface. The “Moon Crash” auction on eBay offered the chance to send 10 kg (22 pounds) of personal cargo in a special burst-resistant canister (condition of cargo not  guaranteed due to 5,500 mph impact) on a one-way flight to the Moon. But there may not have actually been a winning bidder … the reserve bid was $6 million! So what would you send? (“Honey, have you seen my mother?”)
– “Daily Times”

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … creepy, brownish-black, 2-inch-long, hatchling leeches provide an excellent medical alternative for treating burns, for use in reattaching body parts and for reducing the pain of arthritis. (And don’t forget to ask about new ‘Stridex Acne-Curing Leeches’.)
• Scientists say … ‘Bright Light Therapy’ may relieve depression during pregnancy. (Yeah, those operating room lights really cheer you up.)
• Scientists say … death rates from heart disease for 5′-10″ men are double those for guys 5′-4″. A report in “Medical Science Monitor” says taller people seem to experience a heightened risk of heart trouble worldwide. (Short people can’t reach the junk food on the top shelf.)
• Scientists say … men who reduce body fat to 5% or less may actually ruin their sex lives because an ultra-low body fat count interferes with testosterone levels. (As you know, NBA players are all celibate.)
• Scientists say … adults average only 1 nightmare a year, but typically have 7 sexual fantasies every day. (The nightmare is when your fantasy comes true.)

36% of Canadians suffer from some form of allergy, according to eye-drop maker Visine.
According to the National Center for Atmospheric Research, termites in the USA produce 150 million tons of flatulence per year. (“Hey, pull my antennae!”)

“He actually stuck his tongue down my throat, which you wouldn’t expect from Elton John.” – Pam Anderson tells the new issue of “Playboy” how she was surprised by a celebrity kiss at a party.


1959 [45] Emma Thompson, London UK, movie actress (Oscar-“Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (Oscar-“Sense & Sensibility”)/ex-Mrs Kenneth Branagh

1968 [36] Ed O’Brien, Oxford UK, rock musician (Radiohead-“There There”, Creep”)

1990 [14] Emma Watson, Oxford UK, movie actress (‘Hermione Granger’ in the “Harry Potter” films)

TODAY is “National Fast Food Day” (like, isn’t every day?), observed on the anniversary of the 1955 opening of the 1st McDonald’s franchise in Des Plaines IL. At that time, hamburgers sold for a measly 15 cents.

TODAY is “National High Five Day”, when without inhibition, people are encouraged to freely exchange high fives between all genders, races, heights, and social classes.

TODAY is “Rubber Eraser Day”, honoring English chemist Joseph Priestley’s 1770 discovery that a small cube of latex could be used to correct screw-ups. He coined the word ‘eraser’. So go ahead and make a mistake … just don’t forget your rubbers!

TODAY is “Leonardo Da Vinci Day”, marking the 552nd anniversary (1452) of the birth of the Italian painter (“Mona Lisa”) and scientist credited with envisioning numerous inventions like the helicopter and optical lenses. But here are some …
• Faux-Varicosity Fishnet Stockings
• Lamb Vindaloo Lip Gloss
• Leather Socks
• The Disposable Handgun Six-Pack
• Ass Cleavage Glitter

TODAY the Canadian Bar Association celebrates “National Law Day 2004″, an annual event recognizing the anniversary of the proclamation of the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms 22 years ago in 1982. To celebrate, here are a few …
• If you happen upon an injured migratory bird in a Canadian national park, you are required to kill it immediately. If not, you can be fined $300.
• Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
• You may not pay for a 50-cent item with only pennies.
• It is illegal for clear or non-dark soft drinks to contain caffeine.
• It’s illegal to kill a Sasquatch in BC.
• In Fort Qu’Appelle SK, all teenagers walking down the main street must have their shoes tied.
• In Alberta, wooden logs may not be painted.
• In Glace Bay NS, all cyclists are required to carry a kerosene lantern.
• Ontario law states it is illegal to paint any bus bright yellow unless it is being used to transport handicapped adults or school children.
• If you live in St John’s NL, you cannot keep cows in your house.
• Street musicians are not allowed to give children balloon animals in Victoria BC.

SUNDAY is the “Super Cities Walk for Multiple Sclerosis” in many communities across Canada (actual date in your market may vary). Wannabe participants can register online.
PHONER: 888-822-8467

TODAY is officially “IRS Income Tax Payday” in the USA (like you needed a reminder). Need an extension or last-minute tips? Go here …

TODAY is “National Gripers’ Day”, a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances like –
• Trying to tear a new CD out of the shrinkwrap.
• Those little dryer sheets that get stuck in your underwear.
• Spring-loaded faucets in public washrooms that only let you wash one hand at a time.
• Corks that break when opening wine bottles.
• Elevators that stop on every floor and nobody gets on.
• Plastic tags that connect new shoes so when you try them on you look like ‘Quasimodo’.
• Setting your alarm for 5pm instead of 5am.

1983 [21] “Flashdance” starring Jennifer Beals opens in movie theaters

2001 [03] Punk rock pioneer Joey Ramone (The Ramones) dies at age 49

1920 [84] 1st Canadian ‘small cent’ coin  FACTOID: Royal Canadian Mint estimates the typical Canadian household has a hoard of $24-worth of pennies tucked away in drawers & jars, which forces production of 700 million new pennies each year, each costing 1.4 cents to produce.

1975 [29] Canada’s 1st government-operated lottery ($1 million ‘Olympic Lottery’)

1977 [27] 1st MLB game at Montréal’s Olympic Stadium (‘The Big Owe’)

1738 [266] 1st ‘bottle opener’ (before that … teeth)

1924 [80] 1st American ‘road atlas’ (Rand McNally goes on to become world’s largest mapmaker)

1934 [70] Shankweiler’s Drive-In opens in Orefield PA, the oldest, continuously running drive-in movie theater (now open for it’s 71st consecutive season)
PHONER: 610.481.0800

[Fri] Stress Awareness Day
[Fri] Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
[Sat] National Blah Blah Blah Day (talk show hosts day?)
[Sat] Canadian Equality Day
[Sun] International Jugglers Day
[Mon] Garlic Day (aka ‘No Nookie Day’)
[Mon] 10th TV-Turnoff Week begins
This Week Is . . . Library Week / Building Safety Week
This Month Is . . . Sexually Transmitted Diseases Awareness Month (did you just get itchy?)


1. “Hey Ya” – Outkast
2. “The Simpsons” theme
3. “Stairway To Heaven” – Led Zeppelin
4. “Phoenix Nights” – TV & movies
5. “PIMP” – 50 Cent f/Snoop Dogg
(Have listeners try to stump you with their ringtones. If you can’t name the tune, they win!)

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. “Burn” – Usher
2. “Numb – Linkin Park
3. “Hotel” – Cassidy
4. “F**k It” – Eamon
5. “Hey Mama” – Black Eyed Peas
– “Big Champagne”

The week’s most-searched topics on the Internet …
1. Internal Revenue Service (it’s Tax Day USA!)
2. Britney Spears (she’s pitching a reality TV show)
3. Usher (he calls Britney ‘a fool’ over her on-stage antics)
– Yahoo!

• [After flub] I speak in many tongues … I wonder which one that was.
• Producers of a movie about Michael Jackson’s life are looking to cast him as a child and as an adult. Word is they’re looking for a 13-year-old black boy and a 30-year-old white woman.

Today’s Question: If you’re a woman, there’s a 61% chance you have THIS in your fridge right now.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bottled water.

There is none so poor as he who has only money.


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