Wednesday, April 14, 2004        Edition: #2767
We’ve Gone Bullistic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
THIS WEEK 33-year-old movie actor Ewan McGregor (“Star Wars 1-3″, Moulin Rouge!”) and a buddy will leave London for a 3-month, round-the-world trip on a motorcycle which will be filmed for a documentary . . . Actress Julia Roberts & husband Danny Moder are having an enormous compound built on a double estate lot overlooking the Pacific in Malibu CA (word is they’ve already spent $25 million – and haven’t even started building the house!) . . . Model Naomi Campbell is throwing her own 34th birthday party in St Tropez NEXT MONTH and is now seeking sponsors, who’ll each get 10 tickets to the bash and the privilege of being an ‘official host’ – in return for $50,000 (seems she went to ‘P Diddy Business School’) . . . Walt Disney Co’s stock price has dropped THIS WEEK, perhaps in part because its $140-million epic “The Alamo” only made it to 4th place at the box office . . . Frank Sinatra’s widow Barbara is selling off 16 pieces of art painted by ‘Old Blue Eyes’ himself, with prices ranging up to $22,000 (what, the royalties stopped coming in?) . . . Fired “Apprentice” CEO-wannabe Amy Henry says she now regrets posing for “FHM” magazine in her skivvies – it just somehow happened . . . Mathew Knowles, father of Beyoncé, is now managing former “American Idol” finalist RJ Helton, who recently released his debut CD “Real Life” . . . Word is Miramax Books has agreed to pay circa $6 million for TV journalist Barbara Walters’ memoirs . . . A woman who allegedly posed as Reba McEntire’s tour manager and convinced an elderly man to pay her $2,000 to get him a security job with Reba has been arrested . . . And here’s a sure sign of the apocalypse – 11.4 million people watched “The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour” SUNDAY (the show that has the lofty goal of becoming the new “Sonny & Cher Show”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She & Jay-Z have been invited to dine at Buckingham Palace by Prince Charles, as a thank-you for agreeing to appear at his “Prince’s Trust Concert” in MAY.
• Kylie Minogue – A ‘tent-like’ dress she wore during a concert in the Netherlands is being cited as further proof that she’s expecting a child with French actor Olivier Martinez.
• Alanis Morissette – After 18 months she feels she & actor-boyfriend Ryan Reynolds have entered the ‘3rd’ stage’ of their relationship, in which real communication and intimacy kick in.
• Britney Spears – Her reps are shopping an unscripted TV series called “OnTourage”, featuring backstage footage of her life on tour.
• Britney Spears – Latest word is the controversial suicide scene in her next video “Everytime”, which shows her dead & bloody in a tub, will now be left in – because it’s thought to be ‘edgy’.
• Janet Jackson – She’s reportedly recorded a duet with her indicted brother Michael, which may deal with Michael’s current troubles.
• Alicia Keys – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime gabfest “The View”.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Warm-Chair Attrition’ – Loss of productivity due to unhappy employees waiting for the right time to quit or retire. (“We’ll eventually get rid of Lisa through warm-chair attrition. In the meantime, you can count on her calling in sick about 5 times a month.”)
• ‘Chronotype’ – The set of genetic factors that determine whether someone is a morning person or a nighthawk. (“No way I can be a guest on your morning show … I’m a totally different chronotype, up until 2am most nights.”)
• ‘Same-Sex Person’ – New term for a homosexual or lesbian. (“I think same-sex persons in civil unions should get the same benefits as other married couples.”)

FALL GUY:
Kirk Jones, who last OCTOBER became the only person known to survive a jump over Niagara Falls without any protection, says he’s planning another stunt – a new world record for ‘longest free-fall from an existing structure’. The former Michigan native-turned-circus-freak doesn’t say what he’ll be jumping off but claims it will be done ‘legally’. The “Guinness World Record” free-fall is 335 meters (1,110 ft) off Toronto’s CN Tower by stuntman Dar Robinson in 1979.
– AP

TOP DOGS:
“Animal Fair” magazine has announced its annual ‘Five Dog Bone Awards’ for destinations and services that are pet-friendly. This year’s winners include …
• ‘Most Pet-Friendly Airline’ – FinnAir, which allows you to keep ‘Puffy’ on your lap while you fly.
• ‘Most Pet-Friendly Hotel’ – St Regis Los Angeles, where pets get gourmet meals, mahogany beds, and Evian water.
• ‘Most Pet-Friendly Destination’ – St Petersburg, Russia, where pets are routinely allowed in public places such as restaurants and concerts.

WORLD’S OLDEST MOUSE:
A dwarf mouse named ‘Yoda’ has just celebrated his 4th birthday – the human equivalent of 136 years! He’s believed to be the world’s oldest mouse, thanks to genetic modifications at the University of Michigan Medical School. The gene tampering slowed the aging process by controlling his pituitary and thyroid glands and reducing insulin production. On the downside – ‘Yoda’ is about a third smaller than an average mouse and very sensitive to cold.
PHONER: 734.763.4786 (University of Michigan Geriatrics Center)

NEW PRODUCTS BEING DEVELOPED BY IBM:
• An iron that reminds you to turn it off.
• ‘The Whirlpool Polara’ – An oven that can be remotely operated by cellphone or Internet and not only cooks but acts as a cooling device.
• ‘The Smart Countertop’, which issues a warning if pill bottles set on it contain medicine that would lead to bad side effects if taken together.
• An Internet-enabled car with integrated voice-recognition technology.
– “Techtalk Radio”

IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL:
Forecasters say the world’s population, now at a tad over 6 billion, is unlikely to double – ever. Austria’s International Institute for Applied Systems Analysis predicts world population will top out at 9 billion within the next 50 years or so, then start shrinking.
– “Fortune” magazine.

WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• Compulsive Australian gamblers seeking help at the ‘Gamblers Anonymous’ Website are being hit with – pop-up ads for an online casino. (In related news, this week’s AA meeting is being brought to you by Smirnoff.)
• A Sheffield UK court has jailed an obsessive car thief who – carefully cleans the vehicles he steals. After boosting a vehicle, he drives for several hours, then washes and polishes it inside and out before returning it undamaged to the owner. (Dude, steal my car!)
• Employees at the Berlin, Germany aquarium were shocked to find a piranha had been released into a pool where children are encouraged to pet fish. Fortunately, it was discovered chasing other fish before it did any serious damage. (Otherwise patrons would be complaining, “We went to the aquarium and it cost us an arm and a leg!”)
• A Belgian motorist has been sent a speeding ticket for traveling – 2,100 mph. The ticket claimed he’d been spotted doing Mach 3, or 3 times the speed of sound, while driving his Mini in a Brussels suburb. Police have apologized for the mistake and blamed a faulty radar. (Gee, ya think?)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• IRS audits of corporations are down from last year, however, audits of individuals are up 14%.
• The original cost of the actual Stanley Cup trophy was a measly $48.67.
• After couples divorce, they still usually live within 10 miles of each other.
• Most Canadians want to stay in Canada when they retire, about half where they now live.
• In the average 18-hole round of golf, the ball is on the face of a club for a total of less than a half-second.

THE BULL SHEET 04.14.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [69] Loretta Lynn (Webb), Butcher Hollow KY, country legend (“Coal Miner’s Daughter”)/1st female winner of CMA ‘Entertainer of the Year’ award/Country Music Hall of Fame (1988)  FACTOID: Her new album “Van Lear Rose” hits stores APRIL 27th, produced by rocker Jack White of the White Stripes.

    1941 [63] Pete Rose, Cincinnati OH, MLB legend who was banned for life in 1989 for gambling (Reds, Phillies, Expos)/MLB record 4,256 career hits/NL record 44-game hitting streak/only player to play in MLB All-Star Game at 5 different positions (1st, 2nd & 3rd bases, right & left fields)

1960 [44] Brad Garrett (Gerstenfeld), Woodland Hills CA, 6-ft, 8.5-in TV actor (2 Emmy Awards as ‘Robert Barone’ on “Everybody Loves Raymond” since 1996)

1967 [37] Jeff Finley, Edmonton AB, NHL defenceman (St Louis Blues)

1973 [31] Adrien Brody, NYC, movie actor (2003 Academy Award-“The Pianist”)

1977 [27] Sarah Michelle Gellar, NYC, movie actress (“Scooby-Doo 1 & 2″, “Cruel Intentions”)/ex-TV actress (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-2003)//Mrs Freddie Prinze Jr since 2002

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Moment of Laughter Day”, a day to take the time to experience the power of laughter.

TODAY is “Titanic Disaster Anniversary”. Shortly before midnight on April 14, 1912 the ship collided with an iceberg causing it to sink at 2:20am on April 15th.

TODAY is “Pan-American Day”, commemorating the first “International Conference of American States” in 1890.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1828 [176] 1st edition of American English – “Webster’s Dictionary” (If Webster wrote the 1st dictionary, where did he find the words?)

1910 [94] 1st US President to throw out ceremonial first pitch of MLB season (William Howard Taft)  FACTOID: Also during the 1910 season, the 300-lb Taft started another tradition by standing up in the middle of the 7th inning of a game in Pittsburgh because he was uncomfortable. The crowd thought he was leaving and also stood out of respect. Then the big guy sat down and so did the fans. Thus was born the ‘7th-Inning Stretch’!

1969 [35] 29,184 fans watch the Montréal Expos play their 1st home game at Jarry Park and beat the Cardinals 8-7

1974 [30] Cult game “Dungeons & Dragons” is invented

1983 [21] 1st ‘cordless telephone’, capable of operating up to 600 ft from its base, introduced by Fidelity

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1924 [80] World record snowfall in 24 hours falls in Silver Lake, Colorado – 6-ft, 4-ins!

1996 [08] Greg Norman shoots a fat 78 for the greatest collapse in “Masters Golf Championship” history, giving the coveted ‘green jacket’ to Nick Faldo

1996 [08] Detroit Red Wings complete winningest NHL season with 62 victories

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] IRS Tax Day
[Thurs] National High Five Day
[Fri] Stress Awareness Day
[Sat] International Ford Mustang Day
[Sun] International Jugglers Day
[Mon] Garlic Day
This Week Is . . . Garden Week / Guitar Week
This Month Is . . . Listening Awareness Month / Mathematics Education Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS EMPLOYMENT ADS INTERPRETED:

• “Duties Will Vary” – Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• “Career-Minded” – We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
• “Competitive Salary” – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• “Some Overtime Required”  – Some time each night and some time each weekend
• “Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter” – We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission cheque.
• “Self-Motivated” – Management won’t answer questions
• “Casual Work Atmosphere” – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
• “Competitive Environment” – We have a lot of turnover.
• “Some Public Relations Required” – If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
• “Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience” – You’ll need it to replace 3 people who just left.
• “Problem-Solving Skills a Must” – You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• “Good Communication Skills” – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
• “Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload” – You whine, you’re fired.

GREATEST MOVIE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME:
1. ‘Vito Corleone’ in “The Godfather”.
2. ‘Fred C Dobbs’ in “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre”.
3. ‘Scarlett O’Hara’ in “Gone With the Wind”.
4. ‘Norman Bates’ in “Psycho”.
5. ‘James Bond’ (Sean Connery version) in “Dr No”.
6. ‘Annie Hall’ in “Annie Hall”.
7. ‘Indiana Jones’ in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
8. ‘Ellen Ripley’ in “Alien”.
9. ‘Jeff Spicoli’ in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”.
10. Gollum’ in “Lord of the Rings”.
– New ranking by “Premiere” magazine.

BS WEB GOODIE:
Pro-Toronto Maple Leafs parody tunes “The Ottawa Song” and “Every Shot You Take” are available for download here –
NET: http://www.sayuncleproductions.com

BS ‘FIND THE FAKES’:
You run down the list while your contestant attempts to decide which are actual articles from women’s magazines and which are total BS fakes …
• “His Hidden Hot Spots!”
• “50 Tips to Make You Love Your Huge Thighs” [FAKE]
• “Outdoor Sex Without the Bug Bites!” [FAKE]
• “Want the Whites of Your Eyes Whiter?”
• “Find the Perfect Top to Suit Your Star Sign!”
• “8 Things Men Want More Of Besides Hot Sex”
• “How to Be Fit AND Fat!” [FAKE]
• “Monthly Quiz: Do You Dress Like a Ho?” [FAKE]
• “How to Wear Circle Skirts”
• “What Sex Feels Like For a Guy”
– “Chatelaine”, “Cosmopolitan”, “Ladies Home Journal”, “Glamour”, “Redbook”.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Today’s personal hygiene tip – bad breath isn’t nearly as noticeable once you stop using deodorant.
• Today’s beauty tip – you may be going to a bad beauty salon if they do electrolysis with jumper cables.
• Jimmy Buffet has sued a restaurant in Maine called “Cheeseburgers In Paradise”, so the restaurant is changing its name to “Haven’t Had A Hit Since 1982″. – Conan O’Brien
• Good old [sports guy] … he always hits the nail right on the thumb.
• The only thing I know about hockey is that it looks a lot like me playing golf.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: When asked for one word to describe their dream vacation most women say ‘romantic’, but most men say THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Golf’.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A consultant is a legless person who teaches running.

 


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