April 18, 2003

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Friday, April 18, 2003        Edition: #2522
Thanks For Being On Our Sheet List!

TONIGHT on Star! channel, Canadians can get their first glimpse of the fly-on-the-wall series “The Anna Nicole Show”, starring the increasingly obese & self-obsessed former Playmate and gold digger (before instantly having their intelligence insulted and turning the damn thing off) . . . Madame Tussaud’s in London has unveiled a new waxwork model of Brad Pitt with a lifelike padded butt – the first ‘squeezable waxwork’ in the museum (Brad was reportedly happy to provide sculptors with a mold of the real deal, which was then cast in foam & silicone) . . . Renee Zellweger’s upcoming romantic comedy “Down With Love” (opening MAY 16) based on the old Doris Day/Rock Hudson films already has a revenue stream on the side – a newly-launched retro fashion line, highlighting the film’s ‘60s chic’ look . . . Harrison Ford’s new cop action film “Hollywood Homicide” is said to be in trouble, with producers desperately re-shooting scenes after disastrous test screenings . . . “XXX” actor Vin Diesel has been telling anyone who’ll listen saying that he & Nicole Kidman will be co-starring in the upcoming movie musical “Guys And Dolls”, but the producers insist they’ve struck no deal yet (how to get what you want in Hollywood – start a rumor & keep repeating it) . . . “US Weekly reports actors Ashton Kutcher & Brittany Murphy, who met and fell in love on the set of the hit romantic comedy “Just Married”, have split up (real life is always harder than the bigscreen) . . . Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston will reportedly co-star in a movie together for the first time, playing a US Senator & wife in an as-yet-untitled political comedy . . . Word has it Mariah Carey is in talks with Infinity Broadcasting about hosting her own weekly radio show (hey, at least if she’s DJ-ing she won’t be singing!).

Sigourney Weaver plays a cruel prison warden in the drama “Holes”, based on the award-winning book about a teen sent to a detention camp for a crime he didn’t commit . . . Former TV prankster Jamie Kennedy stars in the comedy “Malibu’s Most Wanted” as wannabe rap star ‘B-Rad’ from Malibu whose less-than-thrilled father (Ryan O’Neal) is trying to run for governor.

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … artificial sweeteners like Aspartame may be lowering sperm counts.  
Japanese researchers made that claim after extensive experiments with rats. However, skeptics say human research is needed in order to prove the theory. (Next time you’re feeling down about your job, remember that someone out there is counting rat sperm.)
• Scientists say … it’s now possible to GROW human teeth. The feat was performed for the first time in a lab in Boston. (Wow, great news for my in-laws!)
• Scientists say … drunks may not always act as recklessly as you’d think. In a lab experiment, University of Toronto psychologist Catherine Ortner found that boozed-up co-eds were actually less likely to make impulsive decisions than their sober counterparts. (Once they stumbled away from driving the big white bus in the lab washroom.)
• Scientists say …  Those lightweight graphite and tennis titanium racquets we’ve been using are hard on the arm. “Men’s Journal” reports they’re so light that the shockwave generated from hitting a tennis ball can cause injury. Equipment manufacturers are going back to more substantial racquets to absorb the shock. Some even say vintage wooden racquets may make a comeback! (Just after you unloaded yours in a garage sale.)
• Scientists say … that many children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may actually just be suffering from – lack of sleep. A study reported in the journal “Pediatrics” suggests that about a quarter of 5- to 7-year-old children with mild symptoms of ADHD snore – a prime indication of a disturbed sleep pattern. (They don’t need psychotherapy, they need those goofy looking Breathe Right nasal strips!)

“Mainichi Daily News” reports the latest must-have knickknack in Japan is – dog poop. Not just any old doggy doo mind you, this stuff’s pure gold! Yep, it seems to be chic in Tokyo these days you just gotta have some solid gold turd on display. Over the past 2 years, almost 2 million have been sold.

Here’s something you may not have considered – what happens if you kick before your pet? Author Charlotte Alexander, who co-wrote the book “When Your Pet Outlives You”, notes that many owners of companion animals are older and single. Their grown children, if any, might live far away and have no interest in the pet. Leaving money to a ‘pet trust’ can be tricky and hard to administer. What most people do, she says, is make an informal relationship with a friend or relative to take over responsibility for pets.

• SATURDAY is the most dangerous day of the week on which to drive.
• The odds are 1 in 1,000 that one of the people you meet will be a murderer.
• Motorcycles are nearly 14 times more likely to kill you than cars.


1947 [56] James Woods, Vernal UT, movie actor (“Rudy: The Rudy Giuliani Story”, 2 Oscar nominations-“The Ghosts of Mississippi”, “Salvador”)  NEXT MOVIE: “This Girl’s Life“, the story of a porn celebrity.

1954 [49] Rick Moranis, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”, “Honey, I Blew Up the Kid”, “Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves”, “Honey, I Shrunk the Audience”)/former TV comic (McKenzie Brothers-“SCTV”)/former CHUM-FM jock

1961 [42] Jane Leeves, Ilford ENG, TV actress (Daphne Moon Crane-“Frasier” since 1993)

1963 [40] Eric McCormack, Toronto ON [raised Calgary AB], TV sit-com actor (Will Truman-“Will & Grace” since 1998)

1963 [40] Conan O’Brien, Brookline MA, TV host (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien” since 1993)/cousin of actor Denis Leary.

1976 [27] Melissa Joan Hart, Smithtown NY, TV actress (Sabrina Spellman-“Sabrina The Teenage Witch”, also “Sabrina, Down Under”, “Sabrina the Animated Series”, “Sabrina Goes to Rome”, “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Spellbound”)

1962 [41] Al Unser Jr (“Little Al”), Albuquerque NM, auto racer(2-time CART champion)

1965 [38] Marion “Suge” Knight, Compton CA, rap mogul (Death Row Records founder & CEO)/ex-con (would YOU call him ‘Marion’?)

1968 [35] Ashley Judd, Granada Hills CA, movie actress (“Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, “Kiss the Girls”)/daughter of Naomi Judd and sister to Wynonna

1979 [24] Kate Hudson, LA CA, movie actress (“How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, “Almost Famous”)/Goldie Hawn’s daughter/Mrs Chris Robinson (ex-Black Crowes)

1981 [22] Hayden Christensen, Vancouver BC, movie actor (‘Anakin Skywalker’ in “Star Wars: Episode II & III [won the role over 400 other actors])

TODAY is “Pet Owners Independence Day”, a day when dog and cat owners are encouraged to take the day off and have their pets work in their place, since most pets are unemployed and sleep all day. FACTOID: Who takes care of the family pet? Research shows women are in charge when it comes to feeding and grooming, but when its time for a daily walk – that’s male territory!

TODAY is “International Jugglers Day”. You and a partner can do some radio juggling, or at least create the SFX, simply by quickly patting your chest or knees – whichever’s flattest.

TODAY is “Teach Children To Save Day”, another way of planning for your retirement besides contributing to that diving mutual fund.

SATURDAY is “Garlic Day”, saluting the ‘stinking rose’ that has been cultivated as long as history has been recorded.

SATURDAY the BS hits the fans as the 33rd annual “World Cow Chip Throwing Championship” in Beaver, Oklahoma attracts dung-flingers from around-the-world. There’s a special division for politicians, because they’re considered ‘professionals’! (Bring your gloves.)

SUNDAY is “Easter”, as determined by the ancient lunar calendar system which places it on the first Sunday after the first full moon on or following the Vernal Spring Equinox. It’s ironic that the most holy Christian holiday carries the name of an ancient Saxon festival honoring the goddess ‘Eastre’. How’d that happen? 2nd-century missionaries eager to convert the Teutonic tribes north of Rome were smart enough to realize that interfering too much with the pagan tribes’ established customs would make it impossible to convert them. Instead, they quietly transformed existing pagan practices into ceremonies that harmonized with Christian doctrine. The early name, Eastre, was eventually changed to its modern spelling.

4 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 Greatest hockey player of all time, Wayne Gretzky, hangs up the ol’ skates, ending NHL career with 4 farewell laps around NYC’s Madison Square Garden (61 NHL records at the time)

1921 [82] 1st ‘Junior Achievement’ incorporated (Colorado Springs CO)

1923 [80] 1st baseball game played at spanking new Yankee Stadium (John Phillip Souza conducts “Star Spangled Banner” and Babe Ruth hits 1st home run in 1st ‘3-level’ baseball stadium as then-record crowd of 74,000 to watch Yankees beat Boston Red Sox 4-1)

1934 [69] 1st Laundromat opens, in Fort Worth TX – ‘The Washateria’ (be sure to say it with a Texas accent)

1955 [48] 1st use of term ‘Third World’ (President Sukarno of Indonesia)

1955 [48] 1st ‘Walk/Don’t Walk’ lighted street signals (later replaced with pictograms)

1979 [24] Then-world’s-largest movie complex, 18-theater ‘Cineplex’, opens in Toronto

[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Sun] Astrology sign Taurus begins
[Sun] Astronomy Day
[Sun] Administrative Professionals Week (formerly Secretaries Week)
[Mon] Boston Marathon
[Mon] National Kindergarten Day
[Tues] Earth Day
This Week Is . . . Reading is Fun Week / Consumer Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . National Welding Month / Correct Posture Month (hey, sit up!)


• Having to cross [local superhighway].
• Constant hopping raises hell with inner ear.
• Finding out what you’ve been sleeping with is just a furry pink house slipper.
• Drunken calls from Santa reminding you the kids REALLY love him.
• Ticks in your fur the size of jellybeans.
• Having your stomach pumped after eating 17 lbs of plastic Easter grass.
• Has to keep rubbing himself for good luck.

BS Q & A:
Q: Late night talk show host and birthday boy Conan O’Brien [40 TODAY] once won an
Emmy Award as a comedy writer. For which show?
A: Although he did work on “The Simpsons”, his award was for “Saturday Night Live” in 1989.

• I was conceived in 1893.
• I am a little under 3 ft tall.
• I weigh 32 lbs.
• People like to lift me up over their heads.
• Some people like to drink champagne from me.
[The NHL championship Stanley Cup.]

Just a reminder that this is Easter weekend, when we turn the bathroom scales back 5 lbs so on Monday you won’t feel guilty about all the chocolate you ate.

Today’s Question: Two-thirds of men say that they are intimidated by THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A woman that has had more sexual partners.

Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.


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