Wednesday, April 16, 2003        Edition: #2520
Get a Load of This Sheet!

TONIGHT in Las Vegas 80-year-old Ed McMahon hosts “MegaBingo”, a national bingo championship that will award the top player $1 million cash (interestingly, he started his career announcing bingo numbers – in the 17th century) . . . A musical based on John Lennon’s solo career is being developed, reportedly with Yoko Ono’s  approval (can’t IMAGINE what it would be called … hey, there’s an idea!) . . . Ex-girlfriends of two of the Backstreet Boys say they’re coming out with a tell-all book about the band (wow, great timing, girls – you oughta sell at least 3 copies!) . . . The new “Sopranos” menswear line will hit stores in mid-MAY, beginning with an ‘Executive’ collection and followed by ‘Bada Bing’ ties (and later, cement shoes) . . . Beware sensitive soap fans! The first on-screen lesbian kiss on US daytime TV is coming TUESDAY when ‘Bianca’ plants one on her new friend ‘Lena’ on the soap “All My Children” (soon to be know as ‘All My Sperm-Donored Children’) . . . “Daily Star” reports that Ben Affleck recently bought fiancee Jennifer Lopez a $105,000 gem-studded toilet seat, encrusted with rubies, sapphires, pearls & a diamond set inside the seat’s material (you should never say ‘toilet seat’ and ‘encrusted’ in the same sentence) . . . And Jennifer Lopez has been named the ‘Most Abusive Celebrity’ in a list compiled for the premiere issue of the new magazine “Radar” (for making a large ass of herself?).

Yun-Fat Chow & Seann William Scott star in the martial arts buddy pic “Bulletproof Monk”, about a mysterious monk who must protect a powerful ancient scroll from falling into the wrong hands (‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Scroll’) . . . Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy & Michael McKean, the people who brought us “This Is Spinal Tap”, “Waiting for Guffman” and “Best in Show”, have a new ‘mockumentary’-style comedy called “A Mighty Wind”, the story of 3 once-popular folk groups who reunite for a tribute concert to honor a deceased folk music promoter . . . The no-name comedy “Chasing Papi” is about a Latin lover secretly engaged to 3 different women in 3 different states who makes a big boo-boo when he absent-mindedly arranges for them all to be in the same town on the same weekend.

• ‘Salad Dodger’ – New slang for someone who’s overweight. (“You’ll know your blind date right away. He’ll be the short salad dodger taking up two stools at the bar.”)
• ‘Refrigerator Art’ – An elaborate business presentation (often done in PowerPoint) that looks pretty but has little content and even less value. (“Nice work, Flamowski! Unfortunately, your multimedia presentation on the latest kindergarten crafts is nothing more than refrigerator art.”)
• ‘Pillar Implants’ – New implants the size of a strand of thread that are inserted into the soft palate of the throat to prevent snoring. The minor surgery is designed to help ‘problem snorers’ – estimated at about 30% of the population.
• ‘Dixie-Chicked’ – To be reviled or boycotted for voicing an unpopular political sentiment. (“The studio is worried Chris Rock may criticize Bush and the movie will be Dixie-Chicked.”)

It had to happen, the next phase in instant text messaging on your mobile phone will be – advertising. Advertisers will soon be able to send personalized marketing messages to phones, handheld computers, and other wireless devices. The emerging medium is compelling to advertisers because it costs a fraction of the price of a traditional campaign and offers a relatively easy way to track who sees an ad. (What advertisers should use it? Auto body shops to reach people who talk ‘n drive?)

A study published THIS WEEK in the journal “Pediatric & Perinatal Epidemiology” suggests that long-legged women produce larger babies. Researchers at the UK’s Bristol University found that for every 2.5 cm (1 inch) above the average mother’s leg length of 76 cm (30 inches), the baby is almost .02 kg heavier (half-pound) than the average 3.2 kg (7 lbs). The research seems to confirm a trend among supermodels who have had bouncier-than-average babies. The recent offspring of lanky lovelies Liz Hurley, Cindy Crawford, Elle Macpherson and Helena Christensen all weighed 3.6 kg (8 lbs) or more.

San Francisco’s non-profit sex education organization, the Center for Sex & Culture, is planning an unusual fundraiser (to say the least) – a ‘masturbate-a-thon’ to be Webcast live on the Internet. Participants in the MAY 2nd event are encouraged to collect money for charity, then masturbate privately. During the Webcast, there will be both public and private areas, separate women’s and men’s areas, plus a mixed-gender area. Those taking part must be 18 and over, and prizes will be awarded for most money raised … among other achievements.
PHONER: 415-255-1155 (Carol Queen, San Francisco CA)

THIS MONTH is “Zoo& Aquarium Month”. A new shark exhibit at Baltimore’s National Aquarium is designed to dispel myths about the cuddly creatures. Among the startling facts dug up for the exhibit –
• A recent Dalhousie University study finds that almost all shark species have declined BY HALF in the past 8 to 15 years.
• In a national survey, over 70% of those polled say they believe sharks are dangerous when in reality 94% of the 400 species of sharks are harmless to humans.
• Statistically, you are more likely to be injured by a hamster or killed by lightning than by a shark. (“Why are you limping, buddy?” “Oh, just an old hamster injury.”)

A new study by Stanford University social science researcher Dena Bravata finds that low-carbohydrate diets such as the ‘Dr Atkins Diet’ only cause people to lose weight because they’re eating fewer calories, NOT because of the absence of carbs. While low-carb or no-carb  diets are effective in the short run, Bravata tells the “Journal of the American Medical Association” that they are ill-advised for periods longer than 3 months and for people over 50. (What’s really annoying is having to prepare separate meals for people who insist on dieting.)

• What a pickup line! A bogus swami has been arrested in India for claiming he can help childless women get pregnant – by massaging their breasts. Hundreds of women took him up on the offer. Surprisingly, many of them are now saying he shouldn’t have been arrested.
• Who is that masked man? A masked wrestler named ‘The Great Sasuke’ who has won a seat in a municipal election in Japan says he’ll continue to wear his disguise – at meetings.
• Rip-off! A woman who thought she’d won $12,000 from a slot machine in a casino in Tulalip, Washington has been told her jackpot was a mistake – because the machine was in ‘demo mode’. The cheap casino is refusing to pay, but the slot machine maker says it will.

It took a year-and-a-half but 66-year-old Fergus Muir of St Andrews, Scotland has finally been credited by the “Guinness Book of World Records” for sinking the longest-known putt in golf – 375 feet. Back on November 6, 2001 he used an 80-year-old, hickory-shafted putter to ace a par-3 hole – from the tee!

Genuine emotion is always expressed with the entire body. When uncertain of a person’s sincerity, watch their shoulders. You should doubt anyone who is speaking with strong emotion and relaxed shoulders.


1954 [49] Ellen Barkin, NYC, movie actress (“Sea of Love”, “Diner”) who married well (now Mrs Ron Perelman, billionaire owner of the Revlon company)

1965 [38] Martin Lawrence, Frankfurt GER, movie actor (“Black Knight”, “Big Momma’s House”)  UP NEXT: The sequels “Bad Boys II” (with Will Smith) opening JULY 18, and “Blue Streak 2″ due in SEPTEMBER.

[Jewish] “Passover” begins at sundown

TODAY is “CPAs Goof-Off Day”, a day for accountants to chill out after the pressures of making the “Tax Day” deadline.

TODAY is “Stress Awareness Day”, focusing on one of the world’s leading health problems and a highlight of “Stress Awareness Month”. As far as contributing to stress-induced major illness, the following life events are the riskiest –
• Divorce is substantially riskier than marriage.
• Marriage is a bit less risky than death of a close family member.
• Pregnancy is quite a bit riskier than a mortgage foreclosure.
• Detention in jail is moderately more risky than a major personal injury.
• Christmas is slightly more perilous than getting a ticket for disturbing the peace.
• Making a major change in your social activities is a little more dangerous than changing your eating habits.
Source: “What Are The Chances?”

TODAY is “National Eggs Benedict Day”, a day to enjoy heart-attack-on-a-plate – poached eggs topped with back bacon (what Americans insist on calling ‘Canadian bacon’) served on toasted English muffins and slathered in Hollandaise sauce – made of even more egg-yolks and butter.

1863 [140] ‘Lacrosse’ 1st named Canada’s national sport (now shares designation with hockey)

1929 [74] 1st MLB team with uniform numbers (NY Yankees)

1956 [47] 1st ‘solar powered radio’ (only works about 3 times a year in Vancouver)

1986 [17] 1st ‘test-tube baby’ is born (Cleveland OH)

1989 [14] Kelly Gruber becomes 1st Toronto Blue Jay to ‘hit for the cycle’ (Jeff Frye also accomplishes it in 2001)

1996 [07] Chicago Bulls win NBA-record 70th regular season game

[Thurs] Canadian Equality Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Fri] Teach Children To Save Day
[Sun] Astronomy Day
[Mon] National Kindergarten Day
[Tues] Earth Day
This Week Is . . . Crime Victims Rights Week / Lefty Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Woodworking Month / National Anxiety Month

• Whyzit bottled water has an expiration date?
• Whyzit when you go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway, they immediately put up a ‘Hidden Driveway’ sign?
• Whyzit no matter what color the soap is, the suds are always white?
• Whyzit the word ‘verb’ is a noun?
• Whyzit we first chop a tree DOWN and then we chop it UP?
• Whyzit the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action?
• Whyzit there’s no Salvation Navy?
• Whyzit the Pillsbury Doughboy is so happy when he has no penis?

From 1982 to 1997, cheerleading accounted for what percentage of all catastrophic injuries among female athletes in high school & college?
a. 22%
b. 57% [CORRECT]
c. 100%

Metallica has written only one song (“I Disappear”) for a movie in their 22-year history. What’s the movie?
a. “Sling Blade”
b. “Moulin Rouge!”
c. “Mission: Impossible II” [CORRECT]

After the American Civil War, the term ‘soldier’s disease’ referred to what?
a. Syphilis.
b. Addiction to opium. [CORRECT]
c. Injured privates.

Where do people secretly deposit the most boogers?
a. In elevators.
b. Under couches.
c. On car floor mats. [CORRECT]

According to the “Guinness Book of World Records”, which colon-blowing pepper is the hottest?
a. Scotch bonnet.
b. Pequin.
c. Red savina. [CORRECT]

• Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now you’d better set off
a few minutes earlier.
• Traffic is even slower than the kid counting change at McDonald’s.

Today’s Question: 11% of Canadians say that they’ve done it HERE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: In a store fitting room.

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

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