Tuesday, April 15, 2003        Edition: #2519
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in Hollywood, refuses-to-die comedian Bob Hope, who turns 100 on MAY 29th, will be declared the ‘Citizen of the Century’ at the Hollywood Entertainment Museum in honor of a new DVD collection of his work being released (he won’t be able to attend, but his wife & daughter will be there to open up a royalty account) . . . TODAY the War Child Canada benefit album “Peace Songs” is released, featuring tracks from Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, Paul McCartney, David Bowie & Michelle Branch . . . Also in music stores TODAY – “Thankful”, the inaugural album from “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson (her movie co-starring runner-up Justin Guarini opens APRIL 25th) . . . TODAY was supposed to be the date for an upscale bash for 1,200 hoi polloi to celebrate Liza Minnelli & David Gest’s 1st wedding anniversary – until she ended up in rehab (seems she started celebrating early) . . . TONIGHT Julia Louis-Dreyfus gets a 2nd chance as her revamped sitcom “Watching Ellie” is returning to NBC-TV, this time with a studio audience . . . Producer David E Kelley has told the cast of “The Practice” that an upcoming episode entitled “Goodbye” may be the show’s series finale due to diving ratings . . . Madonna has cleverly recorded a special message for anyone who illegally downloads her new “American Life” album from the Internet – when pirates play it back, instead of music they’ll hear her shrieking, “What the f— do you think you are doing!?!?” . . . And – because you really care – Enrique Iglesias’ trademark mole on his right cheek seems to have gone missing, leading to specualtion that he’s either covering it with makeup or had it removed (anyone finding a suspicious-looking ugly brown mole unattended should report it to the proper authorities).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
In the no-name comedy/drama “Drumline”, a talented Harlem street drummer is recruited to play in a bigtime Southern university drum corps . . . Jason Statham stars in the crime thriller “The Transporter” as a courier whose job is to deliver packages without asking questions, but complications arise when he breaks that rule . . . “Spirited Away”, the English-language version of a megahit Japanese anime film, won this year’s Academy Award for ‘Best Animated Feature’ . . . And for collectors, there’s a new DVD version of Richard Attenborough’s 1985 musical “A Chorus Line” starring (huh?) Michael Douglas, and the first 2 seasons of TV’s “Family Guy” are now available on DVD.

FORE!
Any day now Jay White, an R&D engineer for a golf equipment maker in Carlsbad CA, will begin an attempt to climb Mt Everest – in order to drive a golf ball off the top! He’s already bashed balls off mountains on 5 continents, including Mt Kilimanjaro and Mt McKinley. If he makes it to the 29,000-foot summit, he’ll be using TaylorMade Golf’s R-510 driver to bang a few balls in mid- to late-MAY.

STARRY-EYED:
A new psychological syndrome has been identified by the UK’s University of Leicester called ‘Celebrity Worship Syndrome’ or ‘CWS’. How do you know if you’ve got it? One of the criteria most sufferers will admit to: “I consider my favorite celebrity to be my soul mate and if I were lucky enough to meet my favorite celebrity and they asked me to do something illegal as a favor I would do it.” (Just ask Oscar-winning director Roman Polanski.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A father and son in Hildesheim, Germany have both lost their drivers licenses for drunk drinking. The son got caught first, then the soused father shortly after – when he went to pick up Junior at the police station.
• A 65-YEAR-OLD retired schoolteacher in India has given birth to a baby boy, thereby becoming the ‘world’s oldest mother’.
• Lawyers for a St Louis, Missouri teacher argued that a bad hairdo caused her to quit her job. The straightening process the hairdresser used apparently left her with a bald spot and caused her to ‘spiral into depression’. The jury agreed and has awarded her $6,000!
• A Birmingham, Alabama bank robber is on that state’s FBI most wanted list after escaping from prison. He shouldn’t be too difficult to spot – he likes to dress as a woman and also wears a colostomy bag!
• Some 30,000 chickens have been destroyed in California because they could no longer produce eggs and were under quarantine for a virus. Two poultry farmers were given permission by the US Department of Agriculture to kill the birds by feeding them into wood chippers – alive. (Was this filmed for “Fargo 2″?)
• A NYC bouncer has been stabbed to death while trying to enforce the city’s new ban on – smoking in bars.
• The Catholic Church has banned popular love songs from being played at weddings in County Kerry, Ireland and warned couples to stick to more traditional tunes such as “Ave Maria” and “Panus Angelicus”. No longer welcome at weddings – “My Heart Will Go On”, “Lady in Red” or “Wind Beneath My Wings”. (Not to mention ‘Wind Beneath My Jeans’.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• World Health Organization standards list ‘sexual activity’ as a basic need and right. (Wow, I’ve got a case for the international court!)
• After just 5 years on the market, almost half (48%) of Canadian households now have a DVD player. It took the  personal computer, the CD player and the VCR about 12 years each to reach that level of penetration. (But now that recordable DVD is imminent, all these machines will soon be doorstops.)

THE BULL SHEET 04.15.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [44] Emma Thompson, London ENG, movie actress (Oscar-“Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (Oscar-“Sense & Sensibility”)/ex-Mrs Kenneth Branagh

1968 [35] Ed O’Brien, Oxford ENG, alternative rock musician (Radiohead-“OK Computer”)

1990 [13] Emma Watson, Oxford ENG, movie actress (Hermione Granger-“Harry Potter” movies)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “IRS Income Tax Payday” in the USA. (APRIL 30th is the Canada Customs & Revenue Agency deadline.) A new income tax survey by SBC Communications, asks which famous person we’d like to do our taxes. Not surprisingly, Bill Gates came out on top with 28% of those polled, followed by Donald Trump and (huh?) David Letterman at 15%, and Bill O’Reilly at 12%. (I don’t care who does ‘em, I’d just like Bill Gates to pay ‘em!)

TODAY is “Rubber Eraser Day”, honoring English chemist Joseph Priestley’s 1770 discovery that a small cube of latex could be used to correct screw-ups. He coined the word ‘eraser’. So go ahead and make a mistake – just don’t forget your rubbers!

TODAY is “Leonardo Da Vinci Day”, marking the 551st anniversary (1452) of the birth of the Italian painter (“Mona Lisa”) and scientist credited with envisioning numerous inventions like the helicopter and optical lenses. But here’s some –
LESSER KNOWN DA VINCI INVENTIONS:
• Armpit-Scented Deodorant
• The Glow-in-the-Dark Sundial
• Imitation Cubic Zirconia
• The Impact-Triggered Parachute

TODAY the Canadian Bar Association celebrates “National Law Day 2003″, an annual event recognizing the anniversary of the proclamation of the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms 21 years ago in 1982. Activities include lectures on the law, mock trials, courthouse tours, open citizenship courts & mall displays.

TODAY is “National Gripers’ Day”, a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances like –
• Having to try on sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
• People behind you in supermarkets who run their carts into the back of your ankle.
• Opening a can of soup and the lid falling in.
• That dog in the neighborhood that barks at everything.
• Your tire gauge letting out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
• Those one or two ice cubes that just won’t pop out of the tray.
• That driver behind you who blasts the horn because you let a pedestrian cross.
• People who stick up for the person you’re bitching to them about.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1920 [83] 1st Canadian ‘small cent’ coin  FACTOID: Royal Canadian Mint estimates the typical Canadian household now has a hoard of $24-worth of pennies tucked away in drawers & jars, which forces production of 700 million new pennies each year, each costing 1.4 CENTS to produce.

1955 [48] 1st McDonald’s franchise opens in Des Plaines IL with hamburgers selling for 15 cents and women barred from the staff for fear of ‘attracting the wrong element’ (first-day sales at the take-out only restaurant total $366.12)

1975 [28] Canada’s 1st government-operated lottery ($1 million ‘Olympic Lottery’)

1977 [26] 1st MLB game at Montréal’s Olympic Stadium (‘The Big Owe’)

1738 [265] 1st ‘bottle opener’ (before that – teeth)

1934 [69] Shankweiler’s Drive-In opens in Orefield PA, the oldest, continuously running drive-in movie theater (opening for it’s 70th consecutive season this FRIDAY)
PHONER: 610-481-0800
NET: http://www.shankweilers.com

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Passover begins at sundown
[Thurs] National Blah Blah Blah Day (talk show hosts day?)
[Fri] Good Friday (as good as you’re gonna get this week anyhow)
[Fri] International Jugglers Day (honoring bookkeepers?)
[Sat] Garlic Day (aka ‘No Nookie Day’)
[Sun] Easter
[Mon] National TV-Turnoff Week begins
This Week Is . . . Organ Tissue Donor Awareness Week / Bike Safety Week
This Month Is . . . World Habitat Awareness Month / Zoo & Aquarium Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:

• Aries – Due to a bump on the head today you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that makes a dandy excuse.
• Taurus – You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
• Gemini – You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
• Cancer – You’re feeling sorry for yourself. Stop with the self-pity already! Lots of people have extra appendages.
• Leo – A good day to start work on that self-help book you’ve been planning, “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”.
• Virgo – Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
• Libra – You didn’t sleep well last night. In fact, chances are that you’ll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow spiritually.
• Scorpio – Tonight you have a date with destiny … and a stomach pump.
• Sagittarius – While attending a seance, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will turn out to be a good career move!
• Capricorn – Excellent day to pout if you want. Be sure to get good lip extension though.
• Aquarius – Someone will tell you today that you ‘run funny’. Just ignore them and be glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.
• Pisces – It’s a landmark day! Someone will ask ‘How are you?’ for the one-millionth time in your life. Use the occasion to tell the truth about those pesky genital warts.

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE MALE STAR SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• Vin Diesel – You like to fight for equal ground with intimidating people.
• Ben Affleck – You don’t want to play mind games and you appreciate ‘real’ people.
• George Clooney – You value sophistication and like it when a man treats you like a lady.
• Colin Farrell – You aren’t ready to commit to a serious relationship.
• Richard Gere – You want more stability in your life and seek a mature man.
Source: “Cosmopolitan”

BS ‘NAME GAME’:
We’ll give you the birth name of some celebrities, you give us the name they chose to use –
• Jerry Rivers [Geraldo Rivera]
• Bob Zimmerman [Bob Dylan]
• Trevor Smith [Busta Rhymes]
• Bernard McCullough [Bernie Mac]
• Richard Penniman [Little Richard]
• Curtis Jackson [50 Cent]
• Virginia Hensley [Patsy Cline]
• Steveland Morris [Stevie Wonder]
• Darrin O’Brien [Snow]
• Elgin Lumpkin [Ginuwine]
• Carlos Estevez [Charlie Sheen]
• Russell Jones [Ol' Dirty Bastard]
• Cherilyn Sarkisian La Piere [Cher]
• Yorgos Panayiotou [George Micheal]
• Eileen Edwards [Shania Twain]

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• All my life I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
• Some mornings it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

BS PHONE STARTER:
• “What sport or gym activity did you absolutely hate at school?”
• “Where have you been caught doing the wild thing?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: We may live to regret it, but 46% of us have seen this on the street but ignored it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A penny.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
No amount of poor schooling can spoil a good student.

 


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