Tuesday, April 8, 2003        Edition: #2514
Another Sheetload of Bull!

TODAY is the release date of Lisa Marie Presley’s debut album “To Whom It May Concern” (it officially becomes a collector’s item tomorrow) . . . Word has it Julia Roberts’ marriage to cameraman Danny Moder is finished after a furious fight erupted over his refusal to accompany her to the Academy Awards (9 months – a new record for her!) . . . Top Bollywood actress (and former ‘Miss World’) Aishwarya Rai has been offered a lead role opposite Pierce Brosnan in the next ‘James Bond’ movie, but so far hasn’t made up her mind . . . A new reality TV show in the UK called “How Do I Look”, will pick a winner from a group of contestants who are unhappy with their appearance and award – a $5,000 nose job! . . . In what may prove to be the final nail in the coffin of Hollywood’s credibility, J-Lo & Ben Affleck are reportedly looking at doing a remake of “Casablanca” (sacrilege!) . . . Nia Vardalos’ former manager is suing the “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” star, alleging she cheated him out of a fortune in commissions (how predictable) . . . Michael Douglas has been spotted in Beverly Hills buying a $30,000 diamond choker to give wife Catherine Zeta-Jones after their baby is born (the answer to the question ‘why would a hot babe like her marry a wrinkly old man?’) . . . Prince Charles has reportedly held a meeting with TV’s “Naked Chef” Jamie Oliver to discuss – raising the profile of mutton (your Camilla Parker-Bowles joke here) . . . MTV says the 3rd – and likely final – season of “The Osbournes” will debut JUNE 10 (can we get that in writing?).

Nothing but some re-releases of old movies and TV shows. Why? The much-anticipated “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” DVD release this FRIDAY.

In an attempt to crack the US market, the world’s 3rd-largest silicone implant maker, Silimed of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, has announced plans for a new manufacturing plant that will crank out half-a-million fake boobs a year.

A slew of unusual new products have been unveiled at the UK’s annual “Ideal Home Show” in London. Among them –
• The Toilet Roll Internet Browser – Designed to be installed on a toilet cubicle wall, the unit provides up-to-the-minute info on products, stocks and lottery results. Users can even print off items on a standard toilet roll.
• The Net-Enabled Chopping Board – A cutting board for chefs that’s capable of browsing the Web and displaying recipes on a screen embedded right into the board.
• The Solar-Powered Sun Lounger – It automatically rotates in unison with the movement of the sun providing tan fans with the much-sought after perfect all-over bronze job.

In her new book, “Loving In Flow: How The Happiest Couples Get And Stay That Way”, California psychologist Susan Perry claims couples that last have learned to accept one another as being human. And part of being human, she claims, is passing wind! Perry says couples that don’t make a big deal about it are more at ease with each other and that’s good for the relationship. She figures anyone comfortable enough to burp or toot in front of a mate is probably secure in the relationship. (“I love you, honey. Our relationship stinks!”)

According to new research from Britain’s Surrey University, men are better at losing weight than women. The 6-month study followed 300 volunteers who attempted to lose weight by following the 4 most popular diets (Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Rosemary Conley & Dr Atkins). On average, men lost twice as much weight as women, and 13 of the top 20 dieters were male, even though men made up less than a third of the participants. (Simple reason – daily chocolate fix!)

• The Taiwanese charity Compassion International has rewarded 28 gifted schoolchildren in Vietnam with scholarships of – a pig. It awards pigs instead of money because breeding the porkers offers families a longer-term financial benefit. (Yeah, but one big bacon pigout and it’s back to bamboo for breakie!)
• Hookers busted THIS WEEK at a massage parlor in Spotsylvania VA were found to be offering discounts – for high school students! (Do you need ID … or just pimples?)
• Antoine Denert, the mayor of Kruibeke, Belgium, has set up a ‘Department of Tenderness’ to encourage people to be nicer to each other. “I will set an example,” he says “by caressing, cuddling and kissing as many people as possible.” (Before they throw him in jail for assault.)
• 95-year-old Zyness O’Haver & 94-year-old Sallie Warren of Oklahoma City OK have finally tied the knot after living together for – 77 years! (Man, that’s a lot of sin!)

Experts say that when choosing paper for brochures, it’s good to remember that men respond best to smooth, coated paper, while women respond best to textured, uncoated paper. (So wouldn’t the same be true of greeting cards?)


1918 [85] Betty Ford, Chicago IL, former US First Lady/rehab clinic namesake

1938 [65] Kofi Annan, Kumasi GHANA, UN Secretary-General since 1997

1963 [40] Julian Lennon, Liverpool ENG, unsuccessful pop singer (“Valotte”)/Cynthia & John Lennon’s son  FACTOID: He’s now the same age as his father when he was assassinated.

1966 [37] Robin Wright-Penn, Dallas TX, film actress (“White Oleander”, “Unbreakable”, “Forrest Gump”)/Mrs Sean Penn  UP NEXT: Co-stars with Robert Downey Jr in the musical comedy “The Singing Detective”, opening in OCTOBER.

1968 [35] Patricia Arquette, NYC, film actress (“Lost Highway”, “Ed Wood”)/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage/sister of actress Roseanna Arquette

TODAY is “International Feng Shui Awareness Day” (‘Fung Schway’), celebrating the oriental ‘art of placement’ in which architecture and interiors are situated to blend with their surroundings in order to create greater harmony. May sound exotic, but virtually every skyscraper being built these days has received input from a feng shui master.

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1998 Final episode of “Seinfeld” is filmed on high-security set (you can still watch reruns in syndication every day of the week … about 12 times)

1994 [09] Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain commits suicide with a shotgun in Seattle WA (pretty much ending the ‘grunge’ or ‘modern rock’ movement)

1766 [237] 1st ‘fire escape’ involves wicker basket, pulley and chain (London ENG)

1873 [130] NYC’s Alfred Paraf patents 1st successful ‘oleomargarine’ (he calls it ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lard’)

1969 [34] Montréal Expos play 1st regular season game, beating NY Mets 11-10 at NYC’s Shea Stadium (Expos reliever Dan McGinn hits the 1st home run in team history)

1974 [29] Hank Aaron breaks Babe Ruth’s career home run record, hitting his 715th MLB homer while playing for Atlanta Braves (finishes career with 755)

1983 [20] One of ‘heaviest-ever recorded babies’ (Kevin Robert Clark of Lakehurst NJ tips scales at 16 lbs-6 oz and measures 24-plus inches at birth)

[1 week today] Tax Day USA
[Wed] Chicken Little Awareness Day
[Thurs] Golfers Day
[Thurs] Masters golf tournament begins (Augusta GA)
[Fri] “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” DVD release
[Fri] National Barbershop Quartet Day
[Sat] Teens Against Zits Day
[Sun] Scrabble Day
This Week Is . . . Be Kind to Animals Week / National Library Week
This Month Is . . . Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Month / Women’s Eye Health & Safety Month

Radio listeners have become so accustomed to ‘tee-ups’ and ‘quarter-hour maintenance hooks’, it just doesn’t fool ‘em anymore. By the time you’re finished promising “45 minutes of stopless music after this, including yadda yadda yadda”, they’re long gone! These are the days of INSTANT gratification, so why not steal a trick we’re currently hearing on TV news channels – “Our continuous coverage of the war in Iraq starts NOW”. Tell ‘em what’s happening, not what’s going to happen. It’s a refreshing change that grabs people by the ear!

Ask your listeners/guests/co-hosts to name their favorite fruit, then tell them all about themselves!
• Apple – friends share important secrets with you … and you never tell.
• Avocado – it takes a long time for others to get to know you.
• Banana – you are a hard person on the outside and a softie on the inside.
• Blueberries – how can we politely say … pervert?
• Cantaloupe – a lover from your past is still carrying a torch for you.
• Cherry  – aren’t you the innocent one? You’re also a whiz at quiz shows!
• Dates – you’re gullible and into fad diets.
• Fig – you are a modest person to the world, but at home you like to walk around naked.
• Grape – you get more headaches than others, and sometimes you cause people headaches.
• Grapefruit – you really have no idea exactly how tall you are.
• Honeydew melon – you’re into new age things like crystals, healing magnets and herbs.
• Kiwi – extra hairy people like this fruit.
• Lemon – you think ghosts or spirits live in your home.
• Mango – you are as sensual as Enrique Iglesias.
• Nectarine – you also like chocolate and ‘afternoon delight’.
• Orange – it’s easy for you to get stuck in a rut, so you are probably in a job that you don’t like but haven’t made any effort to leave.
• Papaya – you’re a cool cookie and sometimes viewed as a cold person.
• Passion Fruit – you like the sun, and in the winter you like to use a tanning bed.
• Peach – you are an impeccable dresser.
• Pear – you have shoplifted at least once in your life.
• Persimmon – you like uppity sports like tennis and golf.
• Pineapple – what a simple person you are; you don’t have to have fancy or expensive things to be happy.
• Plums – a loner, and likely to be wealthy.
• Pomegranate – you are a very difficult person.
• Prunes – you are a very healthy hypochondriac.
• Raspberries – ice skating makes you happy, as well as skiing. You like the winter.
• Rhubarb – you may have grown up on a farm or in a rural area. Home gardening makes you happy!
• Strawberries – you are an adventurous lover … when you’re in the mood … which isn’t as often as your partner would like.
• Tangerine – you are always so full of energy that your friends admire your optimistic attitude.
• Watermelon – you are deeply in love or about to fall deeply in love, and your dreams are often filled with the color green.

Q: What activity are you participating in if you need to use ‘Guido’s Scale’?
A: You’re singing. It’s the musical scale devised by 11th-Century Benedictine monk Guido d’Arezzo that goes – ‘do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do’.

If your pussy or pooch is in need of a day of beastly beauty, send it to the Olde Towne Pet Resort in Washington DC. The newly-opened $7-million pet spa offers acupuncture, massage therapy and hydrotherapy at costs that can easily add up to more than $200. But remember, even if yours is a top cat, reservations are required!
PHONER: 703-455-9000
NET: http://www.iluvcats.com/oltowpetres.html

“What have you done that you tried to hide, but got busted anyway?”

[Co-host] is doing what she can to help the environment. She’s started a compost pile. It’s in the backseat of her car.

Today’s Question: Don’t think the kids don’t notice – 63% of children say they’d like their parents to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Be able to work more flexible hours.

For a longer, happier career, say nothing as often as possible.


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