Friday, April 4, 2003        Edition: #2512
It’s ‘BS Saving Time’ – We Do The Prep FOR You!

Actor Jim Carrey’s ex-wife Melissa Carrey is asking a court for more child support for their 15-year-old daughter Jane, because the poor child has to struggle by on only $10,000 a month and can’t even afford bodyguards, a personal trainer or Pilates equipment . . . Could be fireworks at NEXT MONTH’s “Cannes Film Festival” as Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz & Nicole Kidman are all scheded to attend – their 1st-ever meeting in public . . . Christina Aguilera reportedly has a new boyfriend, Jordan Bratman, a partner in her management company who’s said to be a nice guy – but very short . . . On their current world tour the Rolling Stones are traveling with an entourage of – 150 people! . . . According to a new “Marie Claire” magazine readers’ poll, the ‘Sexiest Man in the World’ is – Justin Timberlake (who just happens to be interviewed in the same issue – coincidence?) . . . Computer-generated likenesses of judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul & Randy Jackson will be part of an “American Idol” video game coming THIS FALL . . . His film career tanked (see “Freddy Got Fingered”), so Tom Green is returning to MTV to host “The New Tom Green Talk Show”, scheduled to to air at midnight beginnning JUNE 16th . . . Action star Vin Diesel says he wants to be in the upcoming bigscreen remake of the musical “Guys and Dolls”, because he saw it with his father when he was a kid and it stuck with him . . . Warning! Warning! Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen now have a new recording deal with Columbia Records (plus videos, dolls, clothing – so much money for so little talent!).

The sniper thriller “Phone Booth”, postponed due to the ‘Beltway Sniper’ spree LAST YEAR, stars Colin Farrell as a NYC publicist who answers a ringing phone in a booth and a voice (Kiefer Sutherland’s) tells him if he hangs up, he’ll be shot (the pace is said to be frenetic, like the shooting schedule – the movie was filmed in just 10 days!) . . . In the crime thriller “A Man Apart”, Vin Diesel plays a DEA agent who sets out for revenge after a botched hit results in the death of his wife . . . The family adventure ”What a Girl Wants” stars Amanda Bynes as a NYC teen who travels to London to find the father she’s never known (Colin Firth) and discovers he’s an upper-class British politician . . . And in limited release – Billy Bob Thornton plays an ex-con in the drama “Levity”, freed after serving 19 years for killing a teen during an attempted robbery . . . In “The Guys”, Sigourney Weaver plays a journalist who helps a NYC fire department captain (Anthony LaPaglia) write eulogies for firefighters lost in the 9/11 World Trade Center tragedy.

• SUNDAY at 8pm EDT on CTV from the Corel Centre in Ottawa, hosted by Shania Twain (who hasn’t even attended the awards since 1998).
• Avril Lavigne leads nominations with 6, followed by Shania Twain with 5, and Celine Dion, Our Lady Peace & Remy Shand with 4 apiece.
• Performers include Avril Lavigne, Blue Rodeo, Our Lady Peace, Remy Shand, Sam Roberts, Swollen Members & Tom Cochrane.
• Presenters include Chantal Kreviazuk, Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman, Blue Rodeo, Alanis Morissette & Glenn Lewis.
• For the first time, there’ll be an Oscar-style ‘Juno Awards Gift Bag’ for presenters and winners, a designer leather bag stuffed with free clothes, perfume & cologne, makeup, booze, imported chocolates, a digital camera, and sunglasses. Total value: circa $3,000 – a step down from the $20,000-worth of extravagance handed out at the Grammy Awards. (Don’t we look lame whenever we try to copy an American idea?)

For 286 years, the Freemasons have been forbidden to advertise or even solicit members. But now, with membership in the world’s oldest fraternal organization heading downward, the secretive society is staging a series of events worldwide to increase public awareness about freemasonry. For instance, they’re holding an open house TOMORROW in 5 Michigan cities and inviting new members to join. Instead of 3 months of study, newbies will be able to zip through the 3 masonic levels – ‘apprentice’, ‘fellowcraft’ and ‘master’ – in just 8 hours. (But do you get the fez and secret handshake?)
PHONER: 800-632-8764

1. Tom Brokaw, NBC (22%)
2. Peter Jennings, ABC (17%)
3. (tie) Dan Rather, CBS/Shepard Smith, Fox News Channel (16%)
Others include Aaron Brown (CNN) at 11%, Brian Williams (CNBC) at 4%. (Hey, what about Paula Zahn?)
Source: Just-released “TV Guide” poll.

What’s hot when it comes to women’s fashion for Spring? Fashion buyers say we should look for the following –
• Bright colors including pinks, corals & watermelon hues.
• Cropped jackets with military influences, such as brass buttons & banded collars.
• Caftans in sheer fabrics & embroidered designs.
• Cargo pants in silk, satin & vintage-looking prints.
• Straw handbags in natural & pastel colors.
• Oversized chandelier or hoop earrings.

The killer virus SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) has hit Hong Kong hardest, necessitating residents to wear surgical masks for protection. But now, word has it locals are trying to cheer up by donning ‘fashion facewear’ that’s increasingly available in a wide variety of psychedelic colors, bold prints and even polka dots. Some local retailers are printing up masks with cartoon characters, while others are opting for a more classic look – basic Ninja black.

Maryland company Mistral Security has developed an aerosol spray that temporarily makes unopened envelopes transparent so the contents can be read. ‘See-Through’ spray leaves an odor for 10 to 15 minutes, but there is no smudging of ink, no stain, in fact, no permanent evidence of tampering at all. The spray is not being marketed for personal use, it’s meant solely for police and intelligence services. (Yeah right, go ahead – read my phone bill.)

A Sao Paulo, Brazil man called police and asked to be arrested for failing to pay alimony to his ex-wife. Jonas da Silva was under the impression that if he served jail time, he’d no longer be responsible for the debt. Wrong! He’s now serving 30 days in the slammer and will still owe the money when he gets out!

“Ann Arbor News” reports a 15-year-old boy has hired a prostitute for sex – while he was a patient in University of Michigan’s Children’s Hospital! The incident was only discovered because a hospital employee happened to overhear the kid haggling with the hooker over price. (After the … er, operation … was complete.)

As a matter of biology rather than sexism, if something bites you, it is probably female.


1956 [47] David E Kelley, Waterville ME, TV producer/writer (“Boston Public”, “The Practice”, “Ally McBeal”)/1st producer to win Emmys for ‘Outstanding Drama Series’ and ‘Outstanding Comedy Series’ in same year [1999]/Mr Michelle Pfeiffer since 1993

1965 [38] Robert Downey Jr, NYC, movie actor (“Bowfinger”, “US Marshals”) with long history of drug abuse who’s currently on 4 years probation

1971 [32] Yanic Perreault, Sherbrooke QC, NHL center (Montréal Canadiens)

1973 [30] David Blaine (White), Brooklyn NY, magician who’s been ‘buried alive’ and ‘frozen in a block of ice’ (“David Blaine: Frozen in Time”)

1979 [24] Natasha Lyonne (Braunstein), NYC, movie actress (“Kate & Leopold”, “American Pie 1 & 2”., “Scary Movie 2″)

1979 [24] Heath Ledger, Perth AUS, movie actor (“Monster’s Ball”, “The Patriot”)

1916 [87] Gregory (yep, he’s still kickin’) Peck, La Jolla CA, movie actor (Oscar-“To Kill a Mockingbird”)

1937 [66] General Colin Powell, NYC, US Secretary of State/ex-National Security Adviser/ex-Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff (1989-1993, including Gulf War 1)

1967 [36] Troy Gentry, Lexington KY, country singer (Montgomery Gentry-“Speed”, “Didn’t I”, “All Night Long”)

TODAY is the beginning of the annual “Alcohol Free Weekend”, someone’s idea of a very cruel joke.

TODAY is “Tell-A-Lie Day”, a good day to ask listeners to add to the list of ‘World’s Greatest Lies’ (“The cheque’s in the mail”, etc). How about –
• “You look like you haven’t aged a day.”
• “You’re going to love working here.”
• “I’ll call you right back.”
• “Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.”
• “I’ll call you.”
• “You may already be a winner!”
• “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but…”
• “It’s nothing personal.”
• “New and Improved!”
• “That was special.”
• “It’ll be a short war.”

TOMORROW is “Go For Broke Day”, a day to throw caution to the wind and go all out (give it all you’ve got, don’t hold back, all or nothing, start giving 110%, let her rip, balls to the wall!)

SUNDAY at 2am we officially change to “Daylight Saving Time”. Remember, ‘Spring forward, fall back’, so you set your clocks ahead one hour. ‘Daylight Time’ was adopted by several countries during WWI to save fuel because it meant longer hours of sunshine in the summer. NYC was first to adopt it in 1918. Benjamin Franklin is credited with first suggesting the idea of switching to daylight saving time in an essay in 1784. Sleep expert Dr Ray Sehelian says that the best cure for readjusting for the time change is a high carbohydrate diet shortly before bedtime, followed by 2 hours of – rigorous love making. (Phew! Don’t you wish we changed the clocks more than twice a year?)

SUNDAY is also “Check Your Batteries Day”, when fire departments encourage homeowners to change the batteries in their smoke alarms on the same day they change their clocks. Getting into that habit will ensure the batteries in the potentially life-saving devices don’t ever run out.

1877 [126] 1st ‘home telephone’ installed, in Boston MA (then at dinnertime the 1st telemarketer calls)

1930 [73] 1st ‘Hostess Twinkies’ go on sale (one of the primary food groups)

1893 [110] Ontario Legislature opens on site of former lunatic asylum (how appropriate!)

1964 [39] 1st home ‘VCR’ introduced (but only a few hundred of Sony’s ‘CV-2000′ get sold)

1988 [15] 1st MLB player to hit 3 HR in opening day game (George Bell leads Toronto Blue Jays to 5-3 win over Kansas City Royals)

1960 [43] “Ben Hur” wins record 11 Academy Awards (later tied by “Titanic” in 1998)

1964 [39] Beatles set “Billboard” magazine record with ALL of the top 5 chart-topping singles (“Can’t Buy Me Love”, “Twist and Shout”, “She Loves You”, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” & “Please Please Me” – plus 7 MORE in the ‘Hot 100′)

1986 [17] Wayne Gretzky sets NHL record with 213th point of season

[Sat/Mon] NCAA Final Four Tournament (New Orleans)
[Sat] National Equal Pay Day
[Sat] National Road Map Day
[Sun] Plan Your Epitaph Day
This Week Is . . . Egg Salad Week / Birth Parents Week
This Month Is . . . Math Education Month / International Guitar Month


Have a phone contestant attempt to finish these famous advertising slogans –
• “A day without orange juice is like … [a day without sunshine.”]
• “Double your pleasure, double your … [fun.”]
• “Tastes great, less …. [filling.”]
• “Good to the last … [drop.”]
• “I can’t believe I ate the … [whole thing.”]
• “Betcha can’t eat just … [one.”]
• “A diamond is … [forever.”]
• “Let your fingers do the … [walking.”]
• “Nothin’ says lovin’ like … [somethin’ from the oven.”]
• “A mind is a terrible thing to … [waste.”]
• “The milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your … [hand.”]
• “Aren’t you glad you use … [Dial?”]
• “We will sell no wine before its … [time.”]

“What special jargon do you use on-the-job that most people wouldn’t get?” (Hospital personnel refer to patients, rooms, equipment, etc as ‘clean’ if uninfected by SARS or ‘dirty’ if they are.)

God bless the Internet. Thanks to e-mail, I start each morning with 10 to 20 offers of hot sex from total strangers!

Today’s Question: A whopping 84% of women polled say they would never date a guy who does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Picks his nose. (So 16% actually get off on that?)

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.


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