Thursday, April 3, 2003        Edition: #2511
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

TONIGHT the 3rd annual “ReelWorld Film Festival” opens in Toronto, showcasing 65 films devoted to culturally & racially diverse subjects (through SUNDAY) . . . Meantime, the “Toronto International Film Festival” has announced plans for a new permanent home, an $83-million film center expected to be completed by the 2006 festival, thanks to a land donation from Canadian filmmaker Ivan Reitman (it’s the house that “Ghostbusters” built!) . . . TONIGHT Lisa Marie Presley talks to Diane Sawyer on ABC-TV’s “Primetime” about her marriages to Michael Jackson & Nicolas Cage and her memories of dear old dad, all so she can flog her new CD “To Whom It May Concern” . . . Ozzy Osbourne says wife Sharon is now cancer-free after months of successful treatment . . . NBC-TV is picking up the new reality show “The Apprentice”, produced by “Survivor” mastermind Mark Burnett, in which 20 contestants from all walks of life try to survive NYC’s ‘corporate jungle’ in billionaire Donald Trump’s company . . . Meantime the WB network has ordered up a tongue-in-cheek fantasy show called “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?” (we can only imagine what this involves) . . . “LA Times” reports that major record companies, strapped for cash amid sinking CD sales, are stealing an idea from the movie industry to fund expensive music videos – product placement (just look at all the labels you can read on MuchMusic!) . . . Bitter, bitter – fashion designer & celeb daughter Stella McCartney tells a Brit newspaper interviewer that her billionaire pop Paul McCartney is – quote – a ‘tight bastard’.

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck’s new romantic comedy “Tough Love” has fared so poorly with test audiences it’s said to be ‘unreleasable’ ($5 million has been committed to shooting a new ending) . . . There’s been lots of hoopla over the news that “Lord Of The Rings” director Peter Jackson will shoot a remake of the classic movie “King Kong” for 2005, but it’s a subject that’s had little success since the 1933 original (the last version, “King Kong Lives” shot in 1986, was an even bigger dud than the 1976 film starring Jessica Lange) . . . Kevin Spacey owns the rights to “Beyond The Sea”, the story of legendary ’50s singer Bobby Darin, but Darin’s widow Sandra Dee is demanding that Drew Barrymore NOT play her in the biopic and wants Reese Witherspoon instead (good luck lady, you ain’t had clout in Tinseltown since “Gidget”) . . . “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” creator/star Nia Vardalos will next star with David Duchovny & Toni Collette in the music-driven movie “Connie and Carla” . . . Here’s a switch for ”About Schmidt’s” Kathy Bates – she’ll next play Queen Victoria in a new big-screen version of Jules Verne’s classic “Around the World in 80 Days” . . . Word has it Meg Ryan has agreed to do extensive nudity and graphic sex scenes in Jane Campion’s upcoming erotic thriller “In the Cut” . . . Hollywood hellraiser Colin Farrell says he’s looking forward to playing the title role in Oliver Stone’s upcoming epic “Alexander The Great”, even though he’ll be performing sex scenes with BOTH women & men . . . And check this out – a new romantic comedy called “Your Word Against Mine” is being developed, set in the exciting world of – competitive Scrabble!

New research from Germany’s Ruhr University suggests that human sperm becomes excited when exposed to – the scent of lily of the valley. It’s the first time sperm has been shown to respond to smell. Studies show the scent can cause sperm to double their speed and home in on the aroma. Biology professor Hans Hatt says the newly discovered odor receptor on sperm’s surface could enable researchers to create both new contraception methods and ways to boost fertility. (Mine prefers the scent of cinnamon buns.)

THIS MONTH is the 65th anniversary of the ‘Shirley Temple Cocktail’, the non-alcoholic 7-Up & grenadine drink created April 23, 1938 at Hollywood’s Chasen’s Restaurant for Temple’s 10th birthday party. The ‘Original Shirley Temple Beverage Company’ is attempting to capitalize on the anniversary by releasing a bottled version of the cocktail, complete with a maraschino cherry in every bottle. So how’d they get rights to the name? Does the real Shirley approve?
PHONER: 800-997-3337/866-237-4651 (Charles Ray)

Here’s a new term for ‘03 – ‘exercise bulimia’. That’s what NYC psychologist Dr Ellen Haimoff calls a recent mania among many women in fitness clubs. Instead of vomiting or using laxatives to rid their bodies of calories, fitness fanatics are driving themselves through excessive workouts with unrealistic expectations of weight loss. Haimoff says it can be as addictive and dangerous as an eating disorder.

In an attempt to stem a downward turn in profits, McDonald’s is considering making several changes to its sandwiches. It was announced at the corporation’s annual convention that adding more sugar to buns will allow them to better caramelize when heated, Filet-O-Fish sandwiches will be steamed to melt the cheese and improve overall flavor, and they’re also looking at bringing back the Big Mac’s original ’special sauce’ recipe (aka – Thousand Island salad dressing). (What improvement would you recommend to McDonald’s?)

According to a new poll, a crying child in the backseat of a car is as distracting to the driver as talking on a mobile phone. Nearly 95% of 2,000 surveyed parents admit that a child having a tantrum takes their attention off the road. More than two-thirds consider it as dangerous as talking on the phone while driving. (In related news, hands-free and vibration alert babies are expected to hit market soon.)

Here’s one aspect of Gulf War 2 we’re not hearing much about – psychological operations, commonly called ‘psyops’ (sigh-ops). “Washington Post” reports that one of them involves using special Humvees equipped with giant loudspeakers on the roof from which the thunderous noise of British Challenger tanks is broadcast toward enemy lines. The 8-track recordings are designed to create the illusion that dozens of armored vehicles are on the move. (To really scare the crap out of the enemy, recordings of bagpipes are used.)

• Many Americans have been boycotting French’s Mustard in the mistaken belief that the company is based in France. In reality, it got its name in 1904 from the name of its manufacturer, RT French of New York. Nowadays, it’s made by British conglomerate Reckitt Benckiser.
• The government of the African nation of Cameroon is taking measures to control a dramatic surge in the popularity of – ‘urine therapy’. Many Cameroonians are convinced that urine consumption can cure everything from hemorrhoids to male pattern baldness. Urine consumption is now banned and repeat offenders face jail time.
• A 42-year-old mother of two in Alabama has wed a – 14-year-old boy. Daina Sancho tied the knot with honor student Irwin O’Rourke III in Mobile, where 14 is the minimum age to legally wed. After she got his parents’ permission, that is.

Each time you move to another home, things are lost, broken or discarded. For the average family, 6 moves equals the damage of 1 house fire.


1924 [79] Doris Day, Cincinnati OH, former movie actress (“Pillow Talk”) who won the 1962 ‘Sour Apple Award’ as the least cooperative actress/now an animal rights activist (Doris Day Animal League [DDAL], Doris Day Pet Foundation)

1924 [79] Marlon Brando, Omaha NE, huge movie actor (8 Academy Award nominations, 2 Oscars-“The Godfather”, “On the Waterfront”)  FACTOID: Faced with a $100-million lawsuit from ex-lover & onetime maid Maria Christina Ruiz, mother of 3 of his children, he’s currently claiming that he has no money and can’t pay because his income is ‘limited and sporadic’.

1942 [61] Wayne Newton, Roanoke VA, aging pop singer who’s become a Las Vegas institution, playing to a sold-out crowd 6 nights a week at the Stardust Hotel (“Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast”, “Danke Schöen”)  FACTOID: Declared bankruptcy in 1992 even though he was once listed in the “Guinness Book” as world’s highest paid entertainer.

1958 [45] Alec Baldwin, Massapequa NY, movie actor (“Pearl Harbor”, “Ghosts of Mississippi”)/ex-Mr Kim Basinger   NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Mike Myers in the bigscreen version of Dr Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat”, opening NOVEMBER 21st.

1959 [44] David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs NY, TV actor (3 Emmys as Niles Crane-“Frasier”, since 1993)

1961 [42] Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn NY, film actor (“Dr Doolittle 1 & 2”, “Nutty Professor 1 & 2”, “Shrek”)  UP NEXT: The comedy “Daddy Day Care”, opening MAY 9th, about 2 men laid off from their jobs who decide to open a daycare center.

TODAY is “Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day”, a day when we’re encouraged to enjoy work,  not just endure it – even though 66% of us say we’re unhappy with our jobs.

TODAY is “Armenian Appreciation Day”. Armenia is a small country bordering the Black Sea which most recently re-gained its independence in 1991. It’s history of invasion and genocide has led to Armenians fleeing and settling around-the-world. Famous folks with Armenian heritage include Canadian film director Atom Egoyan, Canadian children’s entertainer Raffi (Cavoukian), singer Gwen Sefani, tennis player Andre Agassi, Cher (Sarkissian), chess champ Gary Kasparov, ‘suicide doc’ Dr Kevorkian, and late “Chipmunks” creator Ross Baghdasarian.
It’s easy to spot an Armenian – almost all names end in ‘i-a-n’.

TODAY is “Do Unto Others Day”, in recognition of “Golden Rule Week”.

1953 [50] “TV Guide” is published for the first time (on the cover – Lucille Ball’s new baby, Desi Arnaz Jr)
1. “The Jerry Springer Show”
2. “My Mother the Car”
3. “XFL”
4. “The Brady Bunch Hour”
5. “Hogan’s Heroes”
6. “Celebrity Boxing”
7. “AfterMASH”
8. “Cop Rock”
9. “You’re in the Picture”
10. “Hee Haw Honeys”
For the 50th anniversary, they’ve also assembled lists of ‘Great TV Themes’, ‘Sexiest Characters’, and ‘Best Cartoons’ at the mag’s Website –

1981 [22] One-legged Arnie Boldt of Saskatoon jumps 6′-8 1/4″ (now in Canadian Sports Hall of Fame)

1984 [19] Opening of Lulu’s Roadhouse with ‘world’s longest bar’ at 340 feet (Kitchener ON)

1985 [18] Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours in London ENG

[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Sat/Mon] NCAA Final Four Tournament (New Orleans)
[Sat] National Equal Pay Day
[Sun] 2003 Juno Awards (Ottawa)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
This week is . . . National Library Week / Laugh at Work Week
This month is . . . National Anxiety Month / National Humor Month

THIS WEEK is “Week of the Young Child”, so here’s some BS –
• “When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.”
• “I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?”
• “If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how quiet it would be until the looting started.”
• “As you make your way through life, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.”
• “I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.”
• “Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies!”
• “I once heard the voice of God. It said ‘Vrrrrmmmmm’. Unless that was just a lawn mower.”

Two of the following are olfactory facts, the other stinks of BS. But which?
1. Odor technicians in the perfume industry have the olfactory skill to distinguish about 20
different smells. (BS. A good odor sniffer can detect about 20,000 different smells.)
2. The average person can detect one drop of perfume diffused throughout a 3-room apartment. (True)
3. The human nose has 7 types of olfactory receptors and thus detects only 7 primary odors. (True. The 7 odors of the olfactory spectrum are camphor, musk, floral, peppermint, ethereal, pungent, and putrid.)

It’s amazing isn’t it? We have smart bombs and dumb reporters. – Jay Leno

Today’s Question: Over your lifetime, this will likely happen to you more if you are a man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The hiccups.

If it ain’t broke, keep fixing it until it is!


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