Tuesday, April 1, 2003 Edition: #2509
Happy “BS” Birthday!! On April 1, 1993 the 1st issue of “The Bull Sheet” was electronically published. 10 years and over 2,500 issues later, we’re now supplying info to subscribers around-the-world. Thanks for your support!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Barbara Walters’ annual pre-Oscars special finally airs (goofily postponed ‘due to the war’) and guest Julianne Moore will reportedly illustrate her same-sex kiss from “The Hours” by planting one on Barbara (will it be edited out?) . . . The Rolling Stones have canceled what would have been their first-ever concerts in China TONIGHT & Friday due to the deadly SARS virus (too bad – in the Orient, the elderly are revered!) . . . Meantime, Keith Richards is said to be less-than-thrilled his daughter Alexandra is dating Mick Jagger’s son James, worrying Jimbo might be a chip off the old block (like Keith’s a role model) . . . TONIGHT Pearl Jam begins the North American leg of their “Riot Act” world tour at Denver’s Pepsi Center . . . “The Smoking Gun” Website reports that 22-year-old “American Idol” finalist Corey Clark is facing trial NEXT MONTH on charges he assaulted his teenage sister, then resisted arrest last OCTOBER . . . It’s also revealed that another “Idol” finalist, Trenyce, was charged with theft in 1999 but took part in a pre-trial program that effectively wiped the charge off her record . . . John Travolta tells us that losing 30 lbs for the movie “Basic” has resulted in the ‘best sex of his life’ with wife Kelly Preston (gee, thanks for sharing, John) . . . And after a year of wrangling, Harrison Ford is finally free to marry Calista Flockhart, finalizing his divorce from 18-year wife Melissa Mathison and divying up their $300 million fortune.
TODAY’S NEW DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Gabriel Byrne & Julianna Margulies star in the maritime horror movie “Ghost Ship”, about strange occurrences on a deserted passenger ship discovered by a salvage crew . . . The prequel “Red Dragon” completes Anthony Hopkins’ ‘Hannibal the Cannibal’ trilogy by going back to the bloody beginning of the tale . . . The animated family adventure “The Wild Thornberries Movie” involves a pair of sisters, one of whom has the power to speak with animals . . . And for collectors, there’s “Dawson’s Creek: The Complete First Season”, “Friends – 3rd Season”, and a new widescreen, 2-disc ‘Special Edition’ of the 1961 classic ”West Side Story”.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• For April Fool’s Day a new pop culture poll asks, who’s the biggest celebrity fool? 80% pick Michael Jackson, followed by Mike Tyson, Martha Stewart & Winona Ryder.
• A new poll for a car rental company finds that more than 3 in 4 families argue in the car. ‘Back-seat driving’ is the #1 cause of road fights, followed by ‘choice of music’, ‘speeding’, and ‘singing in the car’. (“This is a song that never ends …”)
• Are we more and more becoming hermits? According to a recent survey by the Anxiety Disorders Association, 49% of those suffering from anxiety stay away from other people as much as possible, 41% refuse to answer the phone and 14% won’t even leave the house!
IN A NAME:
How did April gets it’s name? From the Latin name for the month ‘Aprilis’ which is derived from the verb ‘aperire’, meaning ‘to open’. It signifies the time of year buds begin to bloom.
REDHEADS TOUGH AS NAILS:
They say blondes have more fun but redheads seem to have the edge when the going gets tough. New research at McGill University in Montréal has located a gene in red-haired women that suggests they are better at coping with pain than either blondes or brunettes. The phenomenon apparently does NOT apply to men.
SECRETS OF A LONG MARRIAGE:
• Understand that you’ll never truly understand him.
• Love him even when you hate him.
• The more love you demand, the less you receive.
• Remember your lover is who he is, not who he reminds you of.
• Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, just getting on with it.
• A massage is more than just a nice touch.
• Keep the sex X-rated.
Source: “American Woman”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
Try some of these measurements as studio experiments – your body is 8 times the height of your head, your shoulders twice the width of your head, and your foot is equal to the height of your head. The distance from your elbow to your wrist equals the length of your foot. Your wedding ring size is the same as your hat size.
THE BULL SHEET 04.01.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932  Debbie (Mary Frances) Reynolds, El Paso TX, former movie actress (“Singin’ in the Rain”, “Tammy & the Bachelor”)/former pop singer (“Tammy”)/Carrie Fisher’s mom (subject of Fisher’s book/movie “Postcards From the Edge”)
1932  Gordon Jump, Dayton OH, ad huckster (he’s the long-time ‘Maytag repairman’ who in recent TV ads has been breaking in the ‘new guy’)/former TV actor (GM Arthur Carlson-“WKRP in Cincinnati”)
1964  Scott Stevens, Kitchener ON, prototypical NHL defenceman (New Jersey Devils)
1980  Bartholomew J ‘Bart’ Simpson, Springfield, fictitious brat (“The Simpsons”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “April Fools Day”, a tradition that’s the result of various cultural beliefs and practices which held a common theme – the emergence from the doldrums of winter. Foolish facts –
• Many say it originated with the reform of the calendar when “New Year’s Day” was moved from APRIL 1 to JANUARY 1. Those who clung to the old “New Year’s Day” were scoffed at as ‘fools’ and sent fake party invitations and prank gifts. That tradition began in France around 1564, where an ‘April Fool’ is called a ‘poisson d’avril’ (April fish).
• In India, the final day of the “Feast of Huli” begins MARCH 31, and is traditionally celebrated by acts of mischief.
• In Scotland, “April Fools Day” runs 48 hours. The 2nd day is called “Taily Day”, and is dedicated to pranks involving the buttocks. “Taily Day’s” gift to posterity is the ‘Kick Me’ sign. A Scottish fool is called an ‘April gowk’ or ‘April cuckoo’.
• Since 1980, the day has been celebrated in San Francisco CA as “St Stupid’s Day”, when a wacky parade is held. A “Fools Day Parade” is also staged in NYC’s Greenwich Village, this year with floats depicting Michael Jackson dangling his baby off a balcony, the Raelian cult’s baby cloning, and ‘weapons of mass destruction’. There’s also a ‘Burka Fashion Show’ planned, dedicated to the total-cover garment worn by Afghan and Pakistani women.
• This is also the beginning of “National Laugh Week” and “Humor Month”, focusing on the therapeutic value and vital need for laughter and humor in health care.
Sources: “Book of Days”, “World Holiday Book”
TODAY is “Fun At Work Day”, a day to lighten up at the office.
BS PRANKS FOR WORK:
• Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
• Replace the milk or cream with buttermilk. Makes for really interesting coffee!
• Keep looking at invisible bugs and try to swat them.
• Make a recording as if someone is stuck in a washroom cubicle, then play it in the office rest room really loud.
• Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
• Scrape the filling out of some Oreo cookies and replace it with toothpaste. Leave a plate next to the coffee.
• SuperGlue a loonie or toonie to the floor. Watch people try to pick it up.
TODAY is “One Cent Day”, celebrating the world’s most useless currency. Pennies actually cost more to make than they are worth, and most of them are squirrelled away out of circulation in piggy banks, jars and drawers.
TODAY is “National Sleep Day”, to encourage the sleep-deprived to get ‘8ZZZZZs, please!” British research shows that up to 25% of us complain of tiredness on any given day.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1929  1st ‘yo-yo’ developed as a toy by Louie Marx (originally a weapon in the Phillippines)
1949  Earl Tupper 1st patents ‘Tupperware’ (original Tupperware is now being collected as an antique)
1987  1st ‘solo walk around-the-world’ completed (Steve Newman finishes the 15,000-mile trek after 4 years!)
1957  April Fools! BBC-TV reports a ‘record spaghetti harvest’ in the Italian Alps, showing farmers snipping away at ‘spaghetti trees’ with extra-large scissors
1963  Daytime TV soap “General Hospital” debuts
1970  April Fools! John Lennon & Yoko Ono release a statement saying they’re about to undergo side-by-side sex-change operations
1972  1st ‘bar codes’ in supermarkets (and 1st incorrect price is discovered on a cash register tape)
1992  1st players strike in NHL’s 75-year history (a week before Stanley Cup playoffs dammit!)
1997  ‘Blended Sales Tax’ combining GST & PST goes into effect in Maritimes
1999  Canada’s new territory ‘Nunavut’ officially splits from Northwest Territories
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1930  Chicago Cub Leo Hartnett breaks ‘altitude record for a catch’ by catching a baseball dropped from Goodyear blimp hovering 800 ft over Los Angeles – unfortunately the force of the catch shatters his jawbone!
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] International Children’s Book Day
[Wed] National Peanut Butter & Jelly Day
[Thurs] Armenian Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Sun] 2003 Juno Awards (Ottawa)
This Week Is . . . National Drafting Week / Golden Rule Week
This Month Is . . . National Garden Month / Child Abuse Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PUNCH LINES:
Sometimes you don’t need the joke, just the punch line. Witness –
• Grease her thighs, squeeze her through the front door and throw a Twinkie on the nearest bookshelf.
• If it had been invented anywhere else, it would’ve been called a ‘teethbrush’.
• All of the sudden, the tapeworm sticks its head out and says, “Hey, what about my lemon cookie?”
• So the guy says, “You can’t do that with a rutabaga!”
• So the woman says, “I saw your engagement ring while you were picking your nose.”
• I stopped shaving my legs so people would know I’m a natural blonde.
• Put ‘em in a big bowl and beat ‘em for 3 hours!
• Just then, the door slammed, the pig squealed, and the moon and the stars smiled at each other.
• “When I said ‘we’, officer, I was referring to myself, the 4 young ladies and, of course, the goat.”
(Ask your listeners to call in more!)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Do you think you have powers to predict the future? Tell us how you do it.”
• “What’s the one thing you and your partner argue about the most?”
Actual notes from parents to teachers –
• “Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.”
• “I hope you will excuse John for being absent on March 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.”
• “Jack didn’t go to school yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”
• “Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.”
• “Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”
• “Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”
• ”Maryann was absent yesterday because she had a fever and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, and her brother had a fever. I wasn’t too well either.”
• “There must be something going around. Her father even got hot last night.”
• “Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”
BS BLATANT JOKE:
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 60% of married people are doing THIS and their spouses don’t even know about it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hiding cash.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes – only sooner.