Monday, April 29, 2002        Edition: #2285
The bovine fecal material has hit the air circulating device!

• TODAY the family of Bonny Lee Bakley, Robert Blake’s murdered wife, will sue the actor and accused killer, just beating the 1-year deadline to file a civil complaint reports “NY Post”. (What are they suing him for – ‘dumb alibi’?)
• If you believe “Star”, pot-smoking Jennifer Aniston has given up her drug of choice as part of her desperate effort to have a baby, and is begging hubby Brad Pitt to join her in quitting marijuana as they both prepare for parenthood. (Believe me, you’ll need the escape AFTER.)
• “E! Online” reports that Emmy-winning “Law & Order” producer Dick Wolf is developing a new
prime-time version of the classic cop drama “Dragnet”, to hit the air in 2003. (He will not rest until he has a cop show on every single night of the week,)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports one of the biggest-selling recording artists in the world last year, Dido, has split up with the fiancé she was due to soon wed and moved out of the London apartment she shared with lawyer Bob Page. Ironically, her biggest hit “Thank You”, was inspired by and dedicated to him.
• “Sun” also says David Bowie has teamed up with Adam Sandler to record a new version of “Space Oddity” for the soundtrack to “Mr Deeds”, which hits theaters THIS SUMMER. Sandler stars in the film, which is a remake of “Mr Deeds Goes to Washington”, with Winona Ryder.
• “PeopleNews” reports an upcoming episode of “The Simpsons” may feature the greatest gathering of rock stars this side of R&R heaven with Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Elvis Costello, Tom Petty and Lenny Kravitz all appearing, or at least their voices and caricatures.
• Angelina Jolie won’t appear nude in any more movies because she doesn’t think her breasts are sexy enough. According to “Mirror”, she says she’ll only go back to baring all when she gets older and has more ‘character’ (aka ‘wrinkles’).
• Madonna will make an appearance in the upcoming 20th ‘James Bond’ film “Die Another Day”. “Entertainment Tonight” says she’ll be wearing a ‘specially designed outfit’. (Oh no, she’s digging the cone bra out of the closet!)
• According to “National Enquirer”, The Rock attributes his phenomenal success to his wife, who turned his life around. Seems she saved him from a life of ‘violence and kinky sex’. (Dammit.)
• “Sun” claims all is not well on the set of HBO’s “Sex & the City”. Seems Sarah Jessica Parker’s pregnancy has cut the shooting schedule from 13 episodes to just 8. But while Sarah and co-stars Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon will continue to earn their full salary, everyone else on the show will only be paid for the remaining shows. Meantime, “NY Post” says Kim Cattrall, who plays the sex-addicted ‘Samantha’ on the show, is ready to call it quits and move on.
• And thanks to ”Weekly World News” we learn about a “Sick New Reality TV Show – ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’” and find out that “Noah’s Ark Found on Mars!”.

An experimental project is set to get underway in Leicester UK THIS FALL in which transit buses will run on used cooking oil from restaurants. Unmodified diesel buses can run on bio-diesel, made of vegetable oil with the glycerin removed. The only problem is the buses will smell like whatever was cooked in the oil — could be fish & chips, burgers, or Chinese food. (So by the time you get to work, you’re stomach’s got major growlies!)

The first quarter of this year was the warmest globally since records began in 1860 and probably for 1,000 years, scientists say. The 3 months were about 0.71 C warmer than the average for 1961 to 1990, itself the warmest period for 1,000 years, and are consistent with computer predictions of the effects of man-made global warming. (That’s 0.71 C or as they call it in Edmonton — a heat wave.)

A University of Pennsylvania study has found that men who are above average height at age 16 go on to earn more later in life. Researchers found that men who were short at 16 went on to earn 13% less than friends who had already shot up in height.

A scientist who helped create ‘Dolly’ the sheep says every cloned animal is genetically and physically defective. Ian Wilmut of the Roslin Research Centre in Scotland notes that cloned animals can become grotesquely overweight, have developmental difficulties, lung problems, heart defects and malfunctioning immune systems. His point? “Nobody should be attempting to clone a child,” he says.

A man nicknamed ‘Rancid Teun’ has appeared in court in the Hague, Holland for ignoring a ban on entering a public library where he’s in the habit of removing his shoes and socks. The smell of his feet has forced library users to evacuate the building on several occasions. So what’s he do in court? Takes his shoes and socks off, causing the judge to order him to put them back on. Now the loser’s filed an official complaint against the judge.

A man in Post Falls, Idaho was so PO’d with the haircut he got at Fantastic Sam’s hair salon – he tried to drive his pick-up truck through the shop’s front window. Apparently he became enraged because he didn’t like his new ‘do and was refused a refund. (Then said to the barber, “I’ll be back.”)

Panama City FL animal control officers are continuing to chase a stray dog that’s avoided capture for a week even though it has — a plastic jar stuck on its head. The dog nicknamed ‘Mason’ (after the jar) has managed to chew through the bottom so it can eat and drink. (I think I saw this story — in a ‘Foghorn Leghorn’ cartoon.)

Sioux City, Iowa city council has made yet another official request to the US Federal Aviation Administration to change its airport designation, which is — ‘SUX’.


1954 [48] Jerry Seinfeld, Brooklyn NY, retired TV actor (“Seinfeld”)/stand-up comedian

1957 [45] Daniel Day-Lewis, London ENG, film actor (Oscar-“My Left Foot”, “In the Name of the Father”)  NEXT MOVIE: In his first film in 5 years, he plays ‘William the Butcher Cutting’ in Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York”, opening DECEMBER 25

1958 [44] Michelle Pfeiffer, Santa Ana CA, film actress (“I Am Sam”, “Up Close & Personal”)/Mrs David E Kelley since 1993  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Renée Zellweger in the drama “White Oleander”, opening OCTOBER 4

1970 [32] Andre Agassi, Las Vegas NV, pro tennis player/Mr Steffi Graf/ex-Mr Brooke Shields

1970 [32] Uma Thurman, Boston MA, 6-ft film actress (“Gattaca”, “Pulp Fiction”)/Mrs Ethan Hawke  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Juliette Lewis in “Hysterical Blindness”, opening in MAY

1973 [29] Mike Hogan, Dublin IRE, pop musician (Cranberries-“Promises”, “Linger”)

1979 [23] Jo O’Meara, Romford ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-”S Club Party”)/TV actress (“S Club 7 in Hollywood”)

TODAY is “Moment of Laughter Day”, a day set aside to experience the ‘power of laughter’. (Unfortunately, not on this show.)

TOMORROW is “Hairstylist Appreciation Day”, honoring the great contribution snippers and coiffeurs make to our self-esteem. Back in 1994, salon owner Anne Camilleri of San Carlos CA came up with the idea to recognize her employees.
PHONER: 952-947-7433 (Janna Knutson, Regis Corporation)
1982 China’s population passes 1 BILLION

1852 [150] 1st edition of “Roget’s Thesaurus” (what’s another word for thesaurus?)

1880 [122] ‘Bell Telephone Co of Canada’ formed (‘Ma Bell’)

1913 [89] 1st all-purpose zipper called ‘Hooker #1’, patented by Gideon Sundback of Hoboken NJ

1961 [41] 1st broadcast of “ABC’s Wide World of Sports” (‘Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport, the constant variety of human competition, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. This is ABC’s Wide World of Sports!’)

1995 [07] World’s ‘longest sausage’ measures 28.77 miles (Kitchener ON)

[Tues] Canadian Income Tax deadline
[Tues] National Walk Days
[Tues] Spank Out Day USA
[Tues] National Honesty Day
Teacher Appreciation Week
National Zoo & Aquarium Month
Community Spirit Month


What they say . . . What they mean.
“Make an investment in you future” . . . It’s a pyramid scheme.
“Management training position” . . . You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
“Flexible work hours” . . . You’re looking at a lot of long overtime.
“Energetic self-starter” . . . You’ll be working on commission.
“Good organizational skills” . . . You’ll be in charge of filing.
“Experience required” . . . We don’t know the first thing about this biz.
“Entry level position” . . . The lowest wages allowed by law.
“Fast learner” . . . You’ll get no training from us!

“What do you think is the greatest television show of all time?” According to the new issue of “’TV Guide”, the best ever are –
1. “Seinfeld” (NBC)
2. “I Love Lucy” (CBS)
3. “The Honeymooners” (CBS)
4. “All in the Family” (CBS)
5. “The Sopranos” (HBO)
6. “60 Minutes” (CBS)
7. “Late Show with David Letterman” (CBS)
8. “The Simpsons” (Fox)
9. “The Andy Griffith Show” (CBS)
10. “Saturday Night Live” (NBC)

• New Brunswick boasts the ‘warmest coastal waters north of Virginia’. [TRUE says Environment Canada)
• The Royal Canadian Air Force won the 1948 Olympic gold medal for hockey. [TRUE]
• Canada has 20% of the world’s supply of fresh water. [TRUE]
• The world’s largest purchaser of popcorn is the AMC Theaters chain. [F. ‘Cracker Jack’.]
• A male ballet dancer was originally called a ‘ballerino’. [TRUE]
• Hawaii is made up of 6 islands. [BS. 122 islands.]
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. [TRUE]
• The average lifespan of a major league baseball is 22 pitches. [BS. Just 5 to 7 pitches.]
• It takes 3,000 cattle to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs. [TRUE]
• The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans by a ratio of 10 to 1. [TRUE]
• The snake is the only reptile without teeth. [BS. Fangs for trying though. The turtle is the correct answer.]
• Paul McCartney once made a record under the name ‘Apollo C Vermouth’. [TRUE]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free — you either married it or gave birth to it.

Today’s Question: 3,000 people listed this as their occupation on their last tax return.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Santa’s elves.

Money is like a promise, easier made than kept.



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