Friday, April 26, 2002        Edition: #2284
I didn’t oversleep — I underwoke!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Toronto’s 9th annual “Hot Docs” film fest gets under way, the largest documentary showcase in North America with more than 100 documentary films from around-the-world on view over the next week . . .SUNDAY CBS-TV airs the special “Everybody Loves Raymond: The First Six Years” with a slew of guest stars including Mary Tyler Moore, Martin Short, Billy Bob Thornton & Larry King (hate to go against the grain, but I DON’T like Raymond) . . . In the video for “Without Me”, the first single from his new album “The Eminem Show”, Eminem portrays Osama bin Laden as a guest on “The Sally Jesse Raphael Show” (uh kinda passé Em’, they’ve both been canceled!) . . . A couple of stuntmen from the 1970s’ “Baretta” TV show claim Robert Blake tried to hire them to kill his wife, but 1930s and ‘40s “Our Gang” star Tommy ‘Butch’ Bond says his former “Little Rascal” colleague Robert Blake ‘has a good heart’ and isn’t the type to commit murder (is there anyone set to testify who’s known the guy in THIS century?) . . . Jim Carrey’s new girlfriend is said to be Russian ballerina Anastasiya Volochkova, a soloist with the Bolshoi Ballet, who has flown to LA to be with him (she’ll keep him on his toes!).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
“Jason X”, the 10th film in the “Friday the 13th” horror series, features Kane Hodder in the title role of ‘Jason Voorhees’, this time stalking 25th century soldiers in outer space . . . . Angelina Jolie & Edward Burns star in the romantic comedy “Life or Something Like It”, about a reporter who interviews a psychic and finds out her life is meaningless and about to end, which sparks her to try to change the pattern . . . Val Kilmer stars in the crime thriller “The Salton Sea”, about a man who witnesses his wife’s murder and goes undercover as a drug dealer to avenge her death . . . Dave Sheridan stars as “Frank McKlusky, C.I.”, a comedy about an insurance investigator who takes his job a tad to too seriously and dresses up in disguises in an effort to uncover a conspiracy.

STAY-AT-HOME — AND DIE:
A new study presented to the American Heart Association shows that people who don’t adopt ‘traditional’ gender roles are more likely to suffer from heart disease and have a greater risk of death from all causes. ‘House-husbands’ are at greatest risk — men who consider themselves homemakers for most of their adult years have an 82% higher death rate than those who work outside the home. (Of course, that’s based on the only 3 men they could find who fit this role. Don’t expect to see “Adam @ Home” in the newspaper comics much longer.)

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• Bend OR inventor Justin Letlow has developed the ‘Ear Mirror’, a device for inspecting your own ears. The gizmo resembles a dental instrument with 2 small adjustable mirrors joined by a flexible handle. Letlow says he invented it “to prevent earwax embarrassment”. (Can the nose-hair mirror be far behind?)
• Researchers at MIT’s Media Lab in Cambridge MA have developed a new ‘vibrating rubber cellphone’ that can transmit vibrations along with words. The squeezable phone has pressure sensors that allow you to transmit vibrations as well as receiving them. (OK, and you thought your daughter’s calls to her boyfriend were long now.)
•  University of Florida engineering student Jean-Phillipe Clerc has built the ‘ABOR’ – the ‘Autonomous Beer-Opening Robot’ which automatically pops the tops on beer bottles. But it’s not likely to hit the market, it was designed as a project for the school’s Intelligent Machine Design class. (The homework kids have to do these days!)

THE GAME CHANNEL:
THIS WEEK ‘G4′ debuted in the US, a new cable channel devoted exclusively to — video games. As a stunt to create awareness, it’s broadcasting a live game of ‘Pong’ (the first consumer video game) for 7 DAYS straight (about as exciting as watching a heart monitor). The channel will focus on topics like sports games, game reviews, and hints & tricks for scoring on popular video games. (I’d rather get TV on my GameBoy than GameBoy on my TV.)

DOING THE DISHES:
TODAY the Supreme Court of Canada is scheduled to announce its decision on ‘grey market’ satellite dishes. It’s estimated between 700,000 and a million Canadians watch free satellite TV by picking up American signals without paying anything (other than the cost of having their cards reprogrammed each time a satellite company ‘zaps’ non-subscribers). Today’s decision is expected to decide whether that’s breaking the law or a freedom of choice and information guaranteed by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. (We’re betting there’ll be a lot of used satellite dishes in the want ads tomorrow.)

SMELLS LIKE SEX:
“New Scientist” magazine reports that a new study by the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia finds that ‘breastfeeding odors’ seem to arouse sexual desire in childless women. Seems the chemicals produced by new moms and their newborns give off odors that cause heightened sexual fantasies and feelings of intimacy in other women, encouraging them to procreate. (There’s no limit to what guys would pay for this aroma in a spray can.)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Britain’s Susie Stephens was scheduled to speak at a biking & walking conference in St Louis MO but as she crossed the street near her hotel, the world authority on pedestrian safety was accidentally run over by a tour bus and killed. (Now THAT’S irony!)
• Here’s one of the most bizarre summer jobs you’ll ever hear about. 37-year-old Norwegian woman Line Oexnevad has been hired as a professional — mermaid. Her job is to sit on a rock in the Lyse fjord in West Norway as a surprise attraction for tourist boat trips. She’ll work naked except for a long blonde wig and a costume fish-tail.
• A lucky bank customer in Hatfield PA was able to deposit $200 into his own account. Why’s that make him lucky? The two $100-bills had been chewed up and swallowed by his dog, then recovered later when the dog er, well . . . answered nature’s call. Had the bank not accepted them, it’s doubtful anyone else would want to! (Man, the crap you go through to get money!)
• A UK dog has survived a 40-ft fall after jumping out a window — trying to catch a squirrel. ‘Leo’ the Lab was sitting in a 3rd-floor apartment when he spotted the squirrel in a tree, pushed open the window with his nose, and jumped. Unfortunately, he missed the tree and landed on the sidewalk, but amazingly, he’s expected to make a full recovery! (Moral of the story –never lose your head over a piece of tail.)

THE BULL SHEET 04.26.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [69] Carol Burnett, San Antonio TX, ex-TV comedian (“Carol Burnett Show”)/film actress (“The Four Seasons”)

1963 [39] Jet Li, Beijing CHI, biggest Asian movie star after Jackie Chan (“Romeo Must Die”, “Lethal Weapon IV”)

1965 [37] Kevin James, Stony Brook NY, TV actor (Doug Heffernan-“The King of Queens”)

1970 [32] Tionne ‘T-Boz’ Watkins, Atlanta GA, pop singer (TLC-“Scrubs”, “Waterfalls”)

1977 [25] Tom Welling, NYC, TV actor (Clark Kent-”Smallville”)

1982 [20] Jon Lee, Croydon ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-“Don’t Stop Movin”, “S Club Party”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [70] Casey Kasem, Detroit MI, syndicated radio announcer (“American Top 40″ since 1970, “American Top 20”)

1963 [39] Joel Murray, Wilmette IL, TV actor (Pete Cavanaugh-“Dharma & Greg”)/Bill Murray’s brother

1975 [27] Chris Carpenter, Exeter NH, MLB pitcher (Toronto Blue Jays)

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [65] Saddam Hussein (al-Tikriti), Takrit IRAQ, President of Iraq since 1979

1950 [52] Jay Leno, Short Hills NJ, late night TV host (“The Tonight Show”, since 1992)

1966 [36] John Daly, Carmichael CA, long-driving pro golfer/admitted alcoholic

1974 [28] Penelope Cruz (Sánchez), Madrid SPA, movie actress (“Vanilla Sky”, “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”, “Blow”)/Tom Cruise’s girlfriend (or not?)   NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Jude Law in an update of the Jekyll/Hyde story “The Diary of a Young London Physician”

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “Arbor Day” (hug a tree)

TODAY, the last Friday in April, is “National Disc Jockey Day”. Quick, everyone talk deep!

TODAY is “Hug an Australian Day”, a day to pause and reflect on the contributions of Aussies, and in the world of show biz they’ve been significant over the past year — Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Kylie Minogue, Cate Blanchett, etc. So pop open a can of Foster’s and say “Here’s to ya, mates!”.

TODAY is “Richter Scale Day”, saluting the open-ended earthquake scale invented by American seismologist Charles Richter, born 102 years ago today (1900).

TOMORROW is “National Hairball Awareness Day”. Don’t forget to ask your cat for a nice fresh wet one.

SATURDAY is “Tax Freedom Day” according to the Tax Foundation research group, the day on which the average working Americans have earned enough income to pay off all their tax obligations. The good news — it’s 2 days earlier than 2001 and 4 days earlier than 2000. The bad news – Americans work longer to pay for government (117 days) than for food, clothing, and shelter combined (106 days).

SUNDAY is “Kiss Your Mate Day”, a day to share the pleasure of a kiss — when he or she least expects it. After a kiss, your partner’s saliva can remain in your mouth for up to 3 days.

THIS WEEK is “Canada-United States Goodwill Week”, sponsored by Kiwanis International to bring about a better understanding of the Canadian and American ways of life.
• Americans believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians believe that’s the government’s job.
• In Canada homegrown stars like Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Keanu Reeves go to Los Angeles to make it big in the movies, while in America big name stars like Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Keanu Reeves go to Canada to film their movies.
• Americans are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians can’t agree on the words to the anthem when they can be bothered to sing them.
• In America an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, while in Canada an ounce of prevention is about 28 grams.
• Americans spell words differently but still call it English. Canadians spell like the Brits but pronounce like Americans.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1921 [81] 1st ‘weather reports’ on radio (WEW St Louis)

1941 [61] Chicago Cubs use 1st organ in a baseball stadium (duh duh duh duh da duuuuuh CHARGE!!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Child Care Professionals Day
[Sat] Sense of Smell Day
[Sun] American Heritage Day
[Sun] Great Poetry Reading Day
[Mon] Teacher Appreciation Week
[Tues] Canadian Income Tax deadline
[Tues] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
National Lingerie Week
Couple Appreciation Month
Amateur Radio Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR FASHION SENSE IS SLIGHTLY BEHIND-THE-TIMES:

• In a secret vest compartment you find $30 in gold doubloons.
• Your 27-inch platform shoes have a dead goldfish in them.
• Marilyn Manson asks you to be a spokesmodel for his new retro-seasonal haberdashery line.
• The front of your shirt has big sequin letters spelling out the phrase ‘Roller Disco Rules’.
• A number of people have remarked that your pink ascot is too heavily starched.
• Your suit came with 2 pair of pantaloons.

SUGGESTED ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS:
• ‘Warning: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.’
• ‘Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.’
• ‘Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.’
• ‘Warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.’
• ‘Warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.’
• ‘Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.’

A QUESTION OF LOGIC:
Q: Can a man legally marry his widow’s sister?
A: No he can’t — because he’s dead.

Q: Even if they are starving, aboriginals in the Arctic will never eat a penguin’s egg. Why not?
A: Penguins live in the Antarctic.

Q: How far can a dog run into the woods?
A: Halfway. Then he is running OUT of the woods.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you asked half of all women and one-third of men they could show you this.
Answer to Give Out Monday: A picture of their kids.

BS TAG LINE:
There’s an answer to every problem. Sometimes it’s ‘No’.

 


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