Thursday, April 18, 2002        Edition: #2278
Thanks For Being On Our Sheet List!

Cable network TNN will launch a night of prime-time cartoons NEXT YEAR to include “The Ren & Stimpy Show”, “Stripperella” (‘stripper by night & superhero by later night’) voiced by Pam Anderson, and “Gary The Rat” (a lawyer so evil he’s no longer human) produced and voiced by Kelsey Grammar . . . Word is Courtney Love passed out during a recent flight to Dallas and was so out of it when it landed she needed a wheelchair to get off the plane (now that REM’s Peter Buck has been acquitted of air rage, protecting the rotten image of rock stars is pretty much up to her and Oasis) . . . Julia Roberts’ ex-boytoy actor Benjamin Bratt quietly wed actress Talisa Soto in San Francisco over the weekend, but there’s a firm ‘no comment’ on a “People” mag report claiming she’s pregnant . . . Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst has unloaded the Hollywood house he just bought without even moving in, explaining ‘It had the wrong vibes’ (oh, the joy of having more money than you know what to do with) . . . “Survivor“ producer Mark Burnett is planning an ‘all-star’ version of the show NEXT YEAR that pits players from previous shows against each other (could Richard outwit Tina?) . . . And British bookmakers have picked 2004 as the odds-on favorite year for Prince Charles to marry his longtime lover Camilla Parker Bowles.

John Grisham’s best-selling novel “The Runaway Jury” is coming to the bigscreen and will star John Cusack . . . “X-Men” beauty Rebecca Romijn-Stamos got to handpick her partner for a steamy lesbian love scene in her upcoming movie “Femme Fatale” and chose Rie, the new Gucci spokesmodel . . . Destiny’s Child singer Beyoncé Knowles will star opposite Cuba Gooding Jr in “The Fighting Temptations”, about a West Coast hip-hop producer . . . Ewan McGregor is reportedly causing a ruckus on the set of the now-shooting thriller “Young Adam” by waltzing around in the buff even after his nude scenes are already in the can . . . And “Panic Room” director David Fincher is in talks to direct Tom Cruise in the sequel to the sequel “Mission: Impossible III”.

A “Maclean’s” magazine survey finds 64% of us use professional sports as a way to ‘escape the drudgery of day-to-day life’. (16% of us use sports as a way to give away money.)

“New Scientist” magazine reports the US Patent Office has just awarded a patent to a Minnesota boy for a ‘new way of using a child’s swing’. The so-called innovation involves moving from side to side or in an oval pattern. Patent number 6,368,227 for the ‘method of swinging on a swing’ has been granted to Steven Olson of St Paul. (I have this cool new way of breathing – in, in, out. Would that qualify?)

According to a study in “The Week” magazine, gravity is not spread evenly across the Earth’s surface. As an example, gravity is stronger at the seashore than on a mountaintop. (No wonder that swimsuit looked better when you tried it on in the store.)

Virginia-based Vaughan-Bassett Furniture Co is introducing a new line of ‘Elvis Presley’ bedroom furniture at the “International Home Furnishings Market” which gets underway TODAY in Charlotte NC. Two of the signature pieces are the ‘Love Me Tender’ bed and the ‘Burning Love’ heart-shaped mirror. (But so far there are no plans for the ‘Who Died In Here?’ toilet.)

YESTERDAY 2 men and 3 women in the UK began living at the whim of Internet surfers. The 5 have agreed to allow visitors to MSN’s British Web portal to make their daily, sometimes life-altering decisions. Each is posting a daily decision on the Website and has agreed to follow the advice of Internet voters worldwide. At the end of 15 days, Web users will decide which has let the Internet live their life to the maximum and deserves a $15,000 grand prize. (There’s a radio promotion in here somewhere!)

German technology company Schott Glas is looking to make the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the ‘largest kitchen stove’. Its new 40-burner appliance is 3.2 meters long and 1.2 meters wide, about 14 times the size of a standard stove. It may not prove very popular though – it uses as much electricity as an average house!

Japanese cosmetic maker Kanebo has developed men’s underwear laced with synthetic sweat capsules that are released by friction. Why? you might rightly ask. Seems the resulting ‘aroma’ from pheromones supposedly attracts the opposite sex without any unpleasant odor. (To save money, just wear your boxers an extra week between washings.)


1947 [55] James Woods, Vernal UT, movie actor (“John Q”, 2 Oscar nominations-“The Ghosts of Mississippi”, “Salvador”)  NEXT MOVIE: “Stuart Little 2″, opening JULY 19

1954 [48] Rick Moranis, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”, “Honey, I Blew Up the Kid”, “Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves”, “Honey, I Shrunk the Audience”)/former TV comic (McKenzie Brothers-“SCTV”)/former CHUM-FM jock

1961 [41] Jane Leeves, London ENG, TV actress (Daphne Moon-“Frasier”, since 1993)

1963 [39] Eric McCormack, Toronto ON [raised Calgary AB], TV sit-com actor (Will Truman-“Will & Grace”, since 1998)

1963 [39] Conan O’Brien, Brookline MA, TV host (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”, since 1993)/cousin of actor Denis Leary.

1976 [26] Melissa Joan Hart, Smithtown NY, TV actress (Sabrina-“Witchright Hall”, Sabrina Spellman-“Sabrina The Teenage Witch”)

TODAY is “Teach Children To Save Day”, another way of planning for your retirement besides contributing to an RRSP.

TODAY is “International Jugglers Day”. You and a partner can do some radio juggling, or at least create the SFX, simply by quickly patting your chest or knees — whichever’s flattest.

TODAY is “Pet Owners Independence Day”, a day when dog and cat owners are encouraged to take the day off and have their pets work in their place, since most pets are unemployed and sleep all day. Who takes care of the family pet? Research shows women are in charge when it comes to feeding and grooming, but when its time for a daily walk — that’s male territory!

SATURDAY the BS hits the fans as the 32nd annual “World Cow Chip Throwing Championship” in Beaver, Oklahoma attracts dung-flingers from around-the-world. There’s a special division for politicians, because they’re considered ‘professionals’!
PHONER: 580-625-4726 (Chamber of Commerce)                    

1999 [03] Greatest hockey player of all time Wayne Gretzky hangs up the ol’ skates, ending NHL career with 4 farewell laps around NYC’s Madison Square Garden (holds 61 NHL records at the time)

1921 [81] 1st ‘Junior Achievement’ incorporated (Colorado Springs CO)

1923 [79] 1st ‘3-level baseball stadium’ (spanking new Yankee Stadium attracts then-record crowd of 74,000 to watch Yankees host Boston Red Sox)

1955 [47] 1st use of term ‘Third World’ (President Sukarno of Indonesia)

1955 [47] 1st ‘Walk/Don’t Walk’ lighted street signals (later replaced with pictograms)

[Fri] Garlic Day
[Sat] Astronomy Day
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Sun] Administrative Professionals Week (formerly Secretaries Week)
[Mon] Earth Day
[Mon] St George’s Day (Newfoundland)
Bike Safety Week
Crime Victims Rights Week
Women’s Eye Health & Safety Month (to hell with men)


Author & lecturer Melinda Leslie has compiled the following common indicators that she claims are shared by most UFO abductees —
• Have had unexplainable missing or lost time of 1 hour or more.
• Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room.
• Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them.
• Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations.
• Have a memory of flying through the air.
• Have a secret feeling that you are ‘special’ or ‘chosen’ somehow.
• Have awoken in another place than where you went to sleep.
• Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time.
• Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out-of-the-way or unknown area.
• Have seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there.
• Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and could not identify the source.
• Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can’t be explained.
• Have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures.
• Have many of these traits but can’t remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.
[Now take the same test to find out if you’re hungover.]

“The Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator” allows you to fill in boxes for things you hate, favorite colors, ex-boyfriends, etc – then just click a button to create your own angst-ridden Alanis song.

The Dr Samuel D Harris National Museum of Dentistry houses some 40,000 artifacts related to the dental profession in Baltimore MD, home of the world’s first dental school (1840). Ask about early dental instruments, how long dentistry’s been practised, and what the wickedest-looking tool is in the collection. (Don’t forget to add some power drill SFX.)
PHONER: 410-706-0600/410-706-0810 (Janis Fink Goldman, Director of Education Programs)

Game #1 –
• The first of my kind opened up 68 years ago TODAY.
• People find me useful when they don’t have the proper equipment at home.
• When it comes to collecting change, I clean up.
• I wash and dry for a living, but I haven’t folded yet.
[A laundromat. The first was called ‘The Washateria’ and it opened in Ft Worth TX in 1934 (say it with a Texas accent, unless you’re in Texas — then say it normal).]

Game #2 –
• In the early ‘90s I was one of the hottest actors in Hollywood.
• My career began to slide after numerous encounters with the police, including an arrest for bringing a gun on a plane in 1994, an arrest for assault & battery in 1997 and jail time for cocaine possession in 1998.
• In 1999, I sold my house in the Hollywood Hills to comedian/actor Tim Allen.
• One of my biggest roles was opposite John Travolta in the 1996 thriller “Broken Arrow”.
[Christian Slater, who also starred in “Heathers”, “Kuffs” and “Young Guns 2″]

Game #3 —
• I’m 6 feet wide.
• I do my best work on ice.
• This is the time of year a lot of people keep an eye on me, especially Canadians.
• Martin Brodeur makes a lot of money standing in front of me.
[A hockey net.]

GAME #4 –
• I’m located in New Westminster BC.
• I’m a museum.
• I feature the best players of one of Canada’s national sports.
• My hockey counterpart is on Yonge Street in Toronto.
[The Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame]

Today’s Question: According to “Stuff” magazine, 83% of guys say this is their biggest turn-on.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Watching their partner undress.

He who tells you how great he is usually isn’t.


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