Tuesday, April 16, 2002        Edition: #2276
Sheeters Always Prosper!

They’ll be talking around the water cooler this morning about one of the stunts on LAST NIGHT’S “Fear Factor” — the 6 contestants all performed a 3-minute buck-naked routine in a strip club, likely a first for a game show, but thanks to well-placed post-production pixels, you couldn’t see much (host Joe Rogan’s best line — “It’s a grower, not a show-er!” ) . . . Whoopi Goldberg is leaving her $10-million-per-year gig (gasp!) as executive producer and center-square star of the “Hollywood Squares” game show after being asked to take a pay cut . . . Ellen DeGeneres has signed up to host a daytime talk show set to premiere in the fall of 2003 . . . Tammy Leitner, one of the remaining “Survivor: Marquesas” contestants, has just won an Arizona journalism award for reporting she did with a suburban Phoenix newspaper until she quit the gig last October (hmm, would that be when she won some bigtime money or something?) . . . Meantime, the government of Thailand has given permission for the 5th edition of ”Survivor” to shoot in Tarutao Island National Park, a tropical island 600 miles south of Bangkok beginning in JULY . . . Paul McCartney has admitted he refused to invite Yoko Ono to his NYC concert because — they just don’t like each other . . . The Eagles are working on their first studio album since 1979 which they’ll support with a summer tour (the ‘Van Full of Grandpas Tour’?) . . . And word up is friends of Britney Spears are worried her post-Justin boozing has gotten out of control, one reason may be a feud developing over who gets to keep the $3-million, 6,400 sq ft Beverly Hills mansion they bought LAST YEAR to move into when they wed (she reportedly wants it, but he apparently spotted it first, so nya-nya, nya-nya, nyah nya).

Martin Lawrence plays an employee at ‘Medieval World’ amusement park who, after sustaining a blow to the head, awakens to find himself in 14th century England in the comedy “Black Knight” . . . Billy Bob Thornton stars in the Coen Bros quirky comedy “The Man Who Wasn’t There”, about a barber who blackmails his wife’s boss . . . A woman spirals out of control while trying to keep her son from being charged in a murder investigation in the no-name drama “The Deep End” . . . John Travolta plays a divorced father who discovers his son’s new stepfather is not what he pretends to be in the thriller “Domestic Disturbance” . . . And there’s a new DVD ‘Special Edition’ of the 1987 Michael Douglas/Glenn Close thriller “Fatal Attraction”.

Retired neurosurgeon Dr Roy Selby of Texarkana TX may be the only person in the world to dissect his OWN heart. How can that be? When he received a heart transplant in 1995, he asked that his old heart be saved for him. The “Houston Chronicle” reports that he later used the preserved heart as a teaching tool in medical school. (Ewwww, can you imagine holding your own heart?)

The head of ‘neurosexology’ at Leyenburg Hospital in The Hague, Netherlands is studying a strange new syndrome among middle-aged men. Dr Marcel Waldinger has dubbed the rare malady ‘post-orgasmic illness syndrome’ and says sufferers complain of flu-like symptoms including sore throat, sweating, extreme fatigue and eye irritation for up to a week — after sex. (Finally, an advantage to being fat, bald and ugly!)

Beginning TODAY Calgary and Edmonton police and Alberta RCMP are using a new shock tactic on motorists caught not wearing seatbelts — tickets that look like morgue toe-tags. Offenders will be required to fill in their own names as the ‘deceased’ and details on how to contact their next of kin. (And check out those new driver’s license photos!)

“Working Mother” magazine finds that working moms are increasingly satisfied with their lives. 90% say their children are happy, 75% like their jobs, and 70% say they work to feel good about themselves. (Does this sound like the female in your house?)

• Cheer up! Recent studies show that adults average only 1 nightmare a year, but typically have 7 sexual fantasies — a day.
• Can we shop? Stats from the American College of Foot & Ankle Surgeons show that men walk an average of 7 miles per day, while women average 10 miles.
• Watch out for the wonky wheels! Every year 22,000 children visit the emergency room due to — shopping cart accidents.

According to Adrian Forsyth’s book “A Natural History of Sex”, the genitals of the male honey bee explode like a grenade inside the queen bee when she mates with a drone. After the single sexual experience, the drone falls away with an audible pop and is dead before he hits the ground. (I feel a blues song coming on.)

A University of California study that looked at 5 million men’s death certificates over 27 years concluded that those with ‘good’ initials, like JOY or GOD, lived 4.5 years longer than men with neutral acronyms like JTW and GPC. Men with negative-sounding initials like RAT or BUM died an average of 3 years earlier than the neutrals, and 7.5 years earlier than those with ‘good’ initials. (Ask listeners to call in/e-mail really bad initials, then put together a ‘worst list’ for the next day.)

• A 31-year-old Dalarna, Sweden man has been arrested for invading the privacy of the couple next door by allegedly videotaping them through their bedroom window while they were having sex. The couple told police they found out about the tape through neighborhood word-of-mouth.
• Dundee, Scotland authorities are scratching their heads after dozens of dog poop bins in public areas have been broken open — and their contents stolen.
• Kent UK traveling salesman Jim Smith takes an odd companion on the road with him every day – his pet chicken. ‘Mrs Elvis’ jumps up onto the seat next to him as he leaves and is completely ‘car trained’. Heck, sometimes she even lays him lunch. Her favorite road music? Country, of course!


1954 [48] Ellen Barkin, NYC, movie actress (“Sea of Love”, “Diner”) who married well (now Mrs Ron Perelman, billionaire owner of the Revlon company)

1965 [37] Martin Lawrence, Frankfurt GER, movie actor (“Big Momma’s House”, “Blue Streak”)  NEXT MOVIE: The action comedy “National Security”, opening JANUARY 2003

1975 [27] Keon Clark, Danville IL, 6′-11″ NBA forward (Toronto Raptors)

TODAY is “CPAs Goof-Off Day”, a day for accountants to chill out after the pressures of making the “Tax Day” deadline.

TODAY is “Stress Awareness Day”, to highlight one of the most prevalent maladies affecting us.

TODAY is “National Eggs Benedict Day”, a day to enjoy heart-attack-on-a-plate – poached eggs topped with back bacon (what Americans insist on calling ‘Canadian bacon’) served on English muffins and slathered in Hollandaise sauce — made of even more egg-yolks and butter.

THIS WEEK in Italy about 175,000 visitors are expected for the “Milan Design Fair”, the annual celebration of style that’s attracted some 2,000 exhibitors from 30 countries. This year’s entries include the ‘iguana sofa’ for transporting your pet reptile on your shoulder, a ‘portable armchair’ for hikers in the form of a roll-up body stocking which supports the back, and a state-of-the-art goldfish bowl with a separate bedroom and living room.

2001 “The Weakest Link” debuts on NBC-TV with acerbic host Anne Robinson

1999 [03] Wayne Gretzky announces retirement after 20 NHL seasons (all-time scoring leader is inducted into Hockey Hall of Fame 7 months later and his famous #99 is retired by ALL NHL teams)

1863 [139] ‘Lacrosse’ 1st named Canada’s national sport (now shares designation with hockey)

1929 [73] 1st MLB team with uniform numbers (NY Yankees)

1956 [46] 1st ‘solar powered radio’ (only works once a year in Seattle)

1986 [16] 1st ‘test-tube baby’ is born (Cleveland OH)

1989 [13] Kelly Gruber becomes 1st Toronto Blue Jay to ‘hit for the cycle’ (Jeff Frye also accomplishes it in 2001)

1996 [06] Chicago Bulls win NBA-record 70th regular season game

[Wed] Canadian Equality Day (OK, but only if I’m more equal than you are)
[Wed] Israeli Independence Day (oh oh)
[Wed] Stanley Cup Playoffs begin
[Wed] NBA season ends
[Thurs] International Jugglers Day (honoring bookkeepers)
[Fri] Garlic Day (aka ‘No Nookie Day’)
[Apr 27] Tax Freedom Day
National Bubblegum Week (see an exhibition under a bus seat near you)
Home Improvement Safety Month (careful you don’t fall into the ‘money pit’!)


Jane O’Boyle’s book “Free Drinks for Ladies With Nuts: Delightfully Mangled English from
Around the World” is a compendium of mishaps in translation. Some highlights –
• Sign in a Serbian hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
• At a Swedish furrier: “Fur coats made for ladies from their own skins.”
• Ad for Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”
• On a Swiss menu: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
• In a Mexican hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

•  Baby . . . A person with a loud noise at one end and no sense of social responsibility at the other.
• Bookcase . . . A piece of furniture used to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
• Chic . . . Someone considered ‘smart’ without the deadening implication of intelligence.
• Consultant . . . A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
• Developer . . . Someone who cuts trees down then names streets after them.
• Hip . . . Someone smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
• Lecher . . . A stud with liver spots.
• State-of-the-art . . . Soon-to-be-obsolete.
• Virgin . . . A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

Two of the following are facts, one is pure BS. But which one?
1. The tomato isn’t a vegetable, it’s a berry.
2. The grape plant isn’t a vine, it’s a fern. (BS)
3. The almond isn’t a nut, it’s a member of the peach family.

Q: You’ve learned how to grind, alley-oop, and duck walk. What the heck are you doing?
A: Inline skating.

Q: Most gems are minerals, but 4 substances considered gemstones are actually organic. In other words, they grow. What are they?
A: Jewelers recognize these 4 organic substances as gemstones — ivory, pearl, amber, and coral.

“Should traffic tickets be based on the offender’s income?” (That’s the way it works in Sweden, Denmark, Germany, and in Finland — where there is no ceiling on fines — and where senior Nokia executive Anssi Vanjoki was caught doing 46.5 mph in a 30-mph zone on his Harley last fall and was fined $103,000 based on an income of $5.2 million, although it was later reduced on appeal.)

There’s a load of psychics who’ll do radio shows, but we’re assured this is a particularly good one. Psychic Suzanna will do your show in return for mentions of her Website and phone number. She not only has a great sense of humor, but we hear she does readings while lying in bed naked. (What a big plus for radio!)
PHONER: 712-276-9349 (Sioux City IA)
NET: http://www.mediapsychic.com

Today’s Question: Only 4% of men do this and it’s usually under very special circumstances.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Shave their armpits.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
— Oscar Wilde

Refer a friend to BS and get a FREE MONTH of service!


Printer Friendly Version