Friday, April 12, 2002        Edition: #2274
Is It Time for Your Medication or Mine?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Madonna is reportedly steamed about a pair of new oil paintings by Scottish artist Peter Howson that will be unveiled TOMORROW at the McLaurin Gallery in Ayr, Scotland because they depict her in the nude (and unlike every other time she’s appeared naked, she didn’t get paid for it) . . . Ever-brilliant actress Melanie Griffith says the first thing she would save if her house was on fire is a brass sculpture of hubby Antonio Banderas’ – manhood (and don’t forget the batteries, Mel!) . . . The next “X-Files” movie should be released in 2004, according to producer Chris Carter (about the same time as we’ll be saying “Didn’t that used to be a TV show in the olden days?”) . . . Nona Gaye, daughter of Motown legend Marvin Gaye, has replaced late pop singer Aaliyah in the movie sequel “Matrix 2″ . . . Just weeks after splitting up with dancer Jorge Santos, pop princess Christina Aguilera is reportedly letting her genie out of the bottle with Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl . . . And WWF wrestler-turned-movie-actor Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson tells “Stuff” magazine the first time he shaved his armpits ‘felt strangely right and exhilarating’, and Bette Midler’s 1988 film “Beaches” makes him cry (aw, thanks for sharing, Rock).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Steve Smith, Patrick McKenna & Bob Bainborough co-star as CBC-TV’s ‘Red Green’ goes silver screen in “Duct Tape Forever”, a road movie in which ‘Red’, ‘Harold’ and ‘Dalton Humphrey’ trek from Ontario to Minnesota to enter their massive Canada goose duct tape sculpture in a contest in a bid to win a $10,000 prize that will save Possum Lodge from foreclosure (hijinks ensue) . . . Ben Affleck & Samuel L Jackson in the drama “Changing Lanes”, the story of a feud that develops between two men after a minor traffic accident . . . The FBI searches for a serial killer who calls himself ‘God’s Hands’ in the suspense thriller “Frailty”, starring Bill Paxton &  Matthew McConaughey . . . A deputy sheriff investigates the murder of a college student which is connected to an unusual class project in the drama “New Best Friend”, starring Dominique Swain . . . And Cameron Diaz educates herself on the etiquette of wooing the opposite sex when she finally meets ‘Mr Right’ in the romantic comedy “The Sweetest Thing”.

31st JUNO AWARDS:
• SUNDAY on CTV from St John’s, hosted by Barenaked Ladies.
• Our Lady Peace leads nominations with 5, Nickelback and Leonard Cohen have 4 apiece.
• Performances include Nickelback, Sum 41, Alanis Morissette, Nelly Furtado, Diana Krall, and Great Big Sea.
• Toronto concert promoter Michael Cohl and Hull QC/Hamilton ON-native U2 producer Daniel Lanois will be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall Of Fame.
• The Canadian Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences (CARAS) is looking to re-name it the “Canadian Music Awards” NEXT YEAR, although the actual statuette would still be called a ‘Juno’ (honoring 1971 CRTC chairman Pierre Juneau, the father of Canadian content regulations).
NET: http://www.juno-awards.ca

ONLY IN CANADA:
• The northern Saskatchewan town of La Loche has become the first Canadian community to ban — beer bottles. The 2-year ban is due to broken beer bottles being used as weapons and bottle fragments showing up in swimming pools and playgrounds. Fortunately, you can still buy cold stuff in a can. (Thereby preventing a town evacuation during Stanley Cup playoffs.)
• 17-year-old gay Oshawa ON student Marc Hall is taking the Durham District Catholic School
Board to court for not allowing him to take his boyfriend to a school prom. (Under strict Catholic rules, young boys may only be accompanied by a priest.)

SILLY STUDIES:
• Gauthier Hulot, a geologist at the Physics of the Globe Institute of Paris, claims changes in the way molten iron is flowing in the Earth’s core could trigger a magnetic reversal, flipping the North and South Poles. (That would make Australia the land ‘up over’.)
• Researchers at the Liggins Institute in Auckland, New Zealand claim ‘couch potatoes’ may learn the lifestyle while still in the womb. They say slacking and snacking expectant mothers force fetuses to adjust to limited nutrition and movement. (New excuse for sofa slugs – it’s my mom’s fault.)
• According to a new University of Arizona study, the average office desk harbors 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat! (Apparently in Tucson you don’t sit at your desk, you squat.)

MEALS READY TO EAT:
Here’s the latest in battlefield food — scientists at the Army Soldier Systems Center in Massachusetts have developed the ‘indestructible sandwich’, a vacuum-sealed pepperoni and barbecue chicken sandwich they claim will stay edible for up to 3 years. (Actually they didn’t develop it, they found it on a shelf at a 7-11.)

WORLDWIDE BS:
• A young UK widow has begun a legal battle in appeals court to have a baby with her husband. The problem is — he’s been dead for a year. She’s seeking the right to posthumous use of his sperm. (The precedent’s already been set – lots of women will tell you they’ve had sex with a ‘dead’ husband.)
• Swedish telecom conglomerate Telia has cut off mobile phone service to a client named Anders Igel due to an unpaid bill. Not notable, except he’s the company’s new CEO! (In related news, a position just opened up in the billing department.)
• Brisbane, Australia twin sisters ‘Lake’ and ‘Flame’ have launched the world’s first online matchmaking service for twins who wish to date other twins. Why? Many twins have trouble in relationships because their partners become jealous of the closeness between identical siblings. Solution — date another pair! ‘Exclusively Twins’ subscribers pay $9.95 a month to access a database of twin singles around-the-world.
NET: http://www.twinsrealm.com/dating.htm

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT:
Marketing expert Dr Russell Haley says there’s a significant relationship between what people eat and what they’re like. For instance –
• Meat & Potato Eaters — Conservative ‘solid citizens’ who are resistant to change and devoted to keeping faith and traditional values. They eat what their parents ate.
• Junk Food Eaters – Family-oriented people whose lives center around their children. When they eat out, it’s at fast food drive-ins. When they vacation, it’s at theme parks.
• Diet Conscious Eaters – They have their eyes on the future and are intent on maintaining their health. They are strong-willed and frugal and are willing to give up immediate pleasures for long term security.
• Naturalists – They binge on wheat germ, yogurt, fruit and foods without preservatives and they exercise daily. Highly idealistic people in this category believe they can improve life for everyone with their constructive criticism.
• Food Sophisticates – These are the quiche eaters, wine tasters and cheesecake fanciers. This group is into wealth rather than health. They’re young and career-oriented. They’re willing to devote unusual time, energy and effort to getting ahead and living first class, and they’re inclined to delay marriage, children or anything else that would distract them from their goals. They’re fun to dine out with because they know the best restaurants.

THE BULL SHEET 04.12.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [55] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since 1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-1993)/TV producer (his Worldwide Pants TV production company also produces “The Late, Late Show With Craig Kilborn”, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “Ed”)

1947 [55] Tom Clancy, Baltimore MD, top-selling author (“Clear & Present Danger”, “Patriot Games”) who’s reportedly worth circa $200 million/co-owner of Baltimore Orioles MLB team  NOTE: Movie of his “Sum of All Fears”, shot in Montréal and starring Ben Affleck, opens MAY 31

1956 [46] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana CUB, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven”, “The Untouchables”, “Godfather III”)  NEXT MOVIE: The upcoming John Travolta/Samuel L Jackson thriller “Basic”

1957 [45] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country star (“Let’s Make Sure We Kiss Goodbye”)/Mr Amy Grant

1971 [31] Kent Manderville, Edmonton AB, NHL center (Pittsburgh Penguins)

1971 [31] Nicholas Brendon (Schultz), LA CA, TV actor (Xander LaVelle Harris-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, since 1997)

1979 [23] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Mod Squad”, “The Rainmaker”, “Romeo & Juliet”) who’s been off the radar screen while attending Yale U  NEXT FILM: “It’s All About Love”, co-starring Joaquin Phoenix and opening in MAY

SATURDAY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [51] Max Weinberg, South Orange NJ, TV bandleader (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien”, since ‘93)/rock drummer (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)

1963 [39] Garry Kasparov, Baku AZERBAIJAN, youngest-ever World Chess Champion (at age 22 in 1985)/beat IBM’s ‘Big Blue’ computer

1970 [32] Rick Schroder, Staten Island NY, TV actor (Det Danny Sorenson-“NYPD Blue” [1998-2001])/former child actor (“Silver Spoons” [1982-87])

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Teens Against Zits Day”. (Hmm, does this mean that somewhere there are teens who are FOR them?)

TODAY is “Look Up At The Sky Day”. Why? Because ‘clouds and cloudscapes are the greatest free show on Earth’. Beginning TOMORROW we get a really rare ‘free show’ – for the first time in more than 60 years, 5 planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn) will be visible to the naked eye in a close linear formation in the western sky. “SkyNews” magazine editor Terence Dickinson claims viewing the phenomenon should be high on your ‘life list of personal experiences’. The prime viewing time is about an hour after sunset until mid-May. Astronomers say this type of grouping may not be seen again for a century.

TODAY is “Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day”, a day of commitment to never vote for a lawyer in any kind of election for public office. (Let’s see now – Jean Chrétien is a lawyer . . .)

TOMORROW is “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the birthday of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Depression. The highest score for a single word is believed to be 392 points, by Karl Khoshnaw of Manchester ENG, for the word ‘caziques’ (West Indian chiefs) in 1982. By the way, there are 100 letter tiles and 225 squares on a standard game board.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [125] ‘Catcher’s mask’ 1st used in a baseball game (James Alexander Tyng-Lynn MA)

1967 [35] “O Canada” officially becomes national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)

1980 [22] Terry Fox begins “Marathon of Hope” in St John’s NF (forced to stop at Thunder Bay ON)

1981 [21] 1st ‘Space Shuttle’ launched

1985 [17] US Senator Jake Garn becomes 1st politician in space (and they brought him back?)

1988 [14] 1st ‘animal life form’ to be patented as Harvard U registers a ‘genetically engineered mouse’

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1996 [06] Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia declared ‘world’s tallest buildings’

1999 [03] Shania Twain becomes only female artist to sell 10 million units of back-to-back releases

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] NHL regular season ends
[Mon] Tax Day USA/Rubber Eraser Day
[Mon] 106th Boston Marathon
[Tues] Stress Awareness Day
[Wed] Canadian Equality Day
[Wed] Stanley Cup Playoffs begin
[Wed] NBA season ends
National Guitar Week
Week of the Ocean
Women’s Nutrition Week
Canadian National Wildlife Week (best observed at [local watering hole])
International Amateur Radio Month ([your co-host] is the poster boy)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:

• It is against the law to remove your shoes if your feet smell bad while you’re in a theater in Winnetka, Illinois.
• Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin in Britain.
• In California, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In Australia, the legal age for straight sex is 16 unless the person is in the care or custody of the older person, in which case it is 18.
• Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath — once a year.
• It is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow — except on Sundays.
• In Ohio, pets must carry lights at night — on their tails.
• It is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down LA’s Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you made wine out of raisins, would you still have to wait for it to age?
• Why does the government offer free brochures for the illiterate?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• How many birth certificates do Siamese twins get at birth?
• Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Is real knowledge simply knowing where to find the answers?
• Did ‘Captain Hook’ die from jock itch?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
6% of you say that when you lose your TV remote this is where you have found it. [The fridge.]
[YESTERDAY’S ANSWER: Fall out of the bed.]

BS TAG LINE:
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

 


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