Wednesday, April 10, 2002        Edition: #2272
We always hit the nail right on the thumb!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry was rushed to a hospital in Spain to undergo a 30-minute operation to remove a grenade fragment from her eye after a stunt on the set of the new ‘James Bond’ movie went wrong (though her eye’s inflamed, she’s returned to work in her role as ‘Jinx’ – say, could that be an omen?) . . . The new “Austin Powers” movie WILL be subtitled “Goldmember” after all, with ‘James Bond’ studio MGM and United Artists on the verge of signing a deal for rights to use the title . . . TONIGHT Sandra Bullock does a guest shot on the new ABC-TV sit-com “The George Lopez Show”, reportedly because she helped develop the series (in other words, she’s got money in it) . . . Meantime, Sandra Bullock is denying reports that she’s dating Hugh Grant and that she’s pregnant, saying: “We haven’t kissed or touched. And no, we have not fought and broken up” . . . Another tale of celebrity excess — Liz Hurley has spent thousands on Dior fashions for her newborn baby son Damian . . . Reps for both Tom Cruise & Penelope Cruz say there’s no truth to tabloid reports that their relationship is over (yeah, that’s what Brtiney & Justin’s people said at first too) . . . Word is Justin Timberlake recently dropped $250,000 on booze, strippers and gambling in Vegas . . . Meantime, Miss-Pure-As-The-Driven-Snow Britney Spears has reportedly been spotted – horror of horrors – smoking!

ONLY IN CANADA:
• YESTERDAY the CD “Ulterior Emotions” was given a record launch party at the Toronto HMV Superstore. It features those funny faux love songs used in Labatt’s popular Bud Light TV ads – “Our Relationship Is Getting Stronger With Every Golf Game That I Play”, “It Takes A Special Kind Of Woman To Make Sandwiches For The Guys”, “I Love You Dearly Because You Let Me Go Out With My Friends On A Weekly Basis“, “You’re Beautiful (Can I Go Up North This Weekend?)”, etc. It was decided to release the tunes commercially after more than 25,000 people paid $3.99 to order the CD at the Bud Light Website. (Morning show playlist material?)
NET: http://www.beer.com/brands/ca/budlight
• What would have been Canada’s first law against driving while using a hand-held cell phone has been voted down. Alberta MLAs voted against the proposed legislation MONDAY, with several members saying they weren’t convinced banning drivers from yakking on the phone would make roads any safer. (Y’know, some money’s gotta be changing hands somewhere for people to say something that dumb.)

ONLY IN AMERICA:
• A 16-year-old girl who attempted to rob a Rochester NY bank was foiled by her — poor penmanship. While bank tellers passed her note around trying to decipher it, closing time came — and she was trapped in the banks locked foyer! (“This a Hold Oops”)
• A woman in Rago KS who used fertility drugs has given birth to sextuplets, 3 boys and 3 girls who all appear to be healthy. Thanks to 33-year-old super-mom Sondra Headrick, the town’s population has increased by 50% – the town sign previously list its population as 12!
• Detectives in Syracuse NY have busted a drug business — with a drive-thru window. It was discovered at a house with a long driveway that loops around the back and was equipped with a buzzer to notify when there was a customer. (“You want fries with that?”)

FREE TAX PREPARATION:
The US income tax deadline is MONDAY and one of the biggest personal finance software companies, ‘Quicken’, is offering to file federal and state taxes FREE online for people with incomes of $25,000 or less a year. There’s no strings as long as the adjusted gross income is $25,000 or less. A good tip to pass on to listeners!
NET: http://www.quicken.com/freedom

ONE LESS FREELOADER:
Support for the British monarchy has risen following the Queen Mother’s death, with just 12% of Brits now saying it should be abolished. A year ago, a similar poll found that 34% wanted to scrap the monarchy — an all-time high.

EDUCATION ON-THE-ROCKS:
A ‘whisky-drinking school’ is opening in Edinburgh, Scotland. The Scotch Whisky Heritage Center hopes to encourage more people to learn how to enjoy the drink. (Lesson #1: Never order Scotch & Coke if you don’t wanna look like a rube.)

PERFECT PETS?
New research claims ferrets are becoming a hit with young, single women. A study shows ferret owners are just as likely to be female as male. The researchers believe the shift towards more young people remaining childless and single has led to the growing popularity of ferrets. (Is that a ferret crawling up your leg or are you just happy to see me?)

FIRE ON ICE:
UK’s Purbeck Ice Cream Co has developed a chili-flavored ice-cream that reportedly gives you an extra kick when it hits the back of your throat. ‘Chilli Red’ is due to go on sale by the end of this month. (It’s cold on the way in, hot on the way out.)

I SAID SIT, DAMMIT!
A retired teacher of deaf children in Britain has a new pupil — a deaf dog! The collie pup was useless as a farm dog because it was born deaf but thanks to its new owner, ‘Sam’ is now learning sign language. (The first sign he learned means ‘get off my leg’.)

NEW JARGON:
• ‘Cougar’ – a term used to describe an older woman who likes younger men — in the Biblical sense. (“Watch out for horny Mrs Watson in accounting, she’s a real cougar!”)
• ‘Tight’ – slang term used as an adjective meaning great, awesome, wonderful, perfect, cool, attractive, nice, etc. (“I saw this snowboard the other day that was so tight!”)
• ‘Disconnection’ — the uneven style of cutting hair that’s currently in vogue, also called ‘asymmetry’ or ‘shattered layers’. (“Hey, nice head! I love the disconnection.”)

THE BULL SHEET 04.10.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [66] John Madden, Austin MN, NFL analyst with 11 Emmy Awards as ‘Outstanding Sports Personality’ (ABC Monday Night Football, ex-FOX-TV)/ex-NFL coach (Oakland Raiders 1969-79)

1951 [51] Steven Seagal, Lansing MI, movie actor (“Under Siege”, “On Deadly Ground“)/black belt in judo, kendo and aikido/aspiring singer  NEXT MOVIE: The action thriller “Half Past Dead”, opening SEPTEMBER 6

1954 [48] Peter MacNicol, Dallas TX, TV actor (John ‘The Biscuit’ Cage-“Ally McBeal” [1997-2002])

1958 [44] Kenneth ‘Babyface’ Edmonds, Indianapolis IN, pop singer (w/Madonna-“Take a Bow”)/songwriter (“Waiting to Exhale”)/recording producer (Toni Braxton, Whitney Houston, TLC)/movie producer (“Josie and the Pussycats”, “Soul Food”)

1984 [18] Mandy Moore, Nashua NH, pop singer (“Cry”, “Candy”)/movie actress (“A Walk to Remember”, “The Princess Diaries”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Elijah Wood in the romantic comedy “Try Seventeen”, now shooting in Vancouver

1988 [14] Haley Joel Osment, LA CA, movie actor (“AI: Artificial Intelligence”, “The Sixth Sense”)  NEXT MOVIE: He’ll voice the role of ‘Mowgli’ in Disney’s animated sequel “The Jungle Book II”, coming in 2003

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Golfers Day” honoring everyone who walks a mile chasing the little white ball, on the anniversary of the first PGA championship in 1916. A recent poll of golfers asks what’s the most annoying item that should be banned from golf courses. The #1 answer is cell phones, poo-pooed by 71% of respondents. 41% dislike electronic distance measurers, 11% hate those oversized long putters, and 7% are against golf carts. (Hey, what about fat guys in checked pants?)

TODAY is “National Siblings Day”, honoring brothers and sisters who are living, those who aren’t – and perhaps those who shouldn’t be.

TODAY is “Encourage a Young Writer Day”. Try reading the lyrics to any popular song as poetry, with some lush violins in the background. Find lyrics here –
NET: http://lyrics.astraweb.com
NET: http://www.lyricsworld.com

THIS WEEK the “2002 Ken Turcott Memorial Gopher Derby” began in Saskatchewan. Named after an avid local gopher exterminator, the derby is sponsored by the Saskatoon Wildlife Federation, which warns that gopher numbers have reached epidemic levels. Entrants in the gopher hunt pay $20 to sign up and the 10 participants who turn in the most gopher tails by the June 23rd deadline share the kitty. Some of the money also goes to fund wildlife preserves. (Animal rights activists just love this! Can you get little trophy heads to hang on your wall?)
PHONER: 306-242-1666 (Saskatoon Wildlife Federation)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1849 [153] 1st ‘safety pin’ is patented (NYC’s Walter Hunt later sells patent for a paltry $400, perhaps because he didn’t invent the idea — it had been around for hundreds of years!)

1937 [65] Founding of Trans-Canada Airlines (now Air Canada)

1984 [18] 1st ‘frozen-embryo child’ is born (a girl named ‘Zoe’ in Melbourne, Australia)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1993 [09] Pittsburgh Penguins win NHL-record 17th consecutive game

1996 [06] Detroit Red Wings become 2nd NHL team to ever win 60 regular-season games (joining 1976-77 Montréal Canadiens)

2000 [02] Youngest MLB player to reach 400 HRs (Cincinnati’s Ken Griffey Jr at 30 years, 141 days)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 8-Track Tape Day (get out your Led Zeppelin collection)
[Thurs] Masters Golf tournament begins (Augusta GA)
[Thurs] Barbershop Quartet Day (the convention will be “Down by the Old Mill Stream”)
[Sun] Juno Awards (St John’s NF)
[Sun] NHL regular season ends
National Medical Laboratory Week (to celebrate, fill a little paper cup)
National STD Awareness Month (the gift that keeps on giving)

BULL’S BITS . . .
A recent Cornell University study shows that men who are married are twice as likely to be overweight as divorced or single men (gee, ya think?). Here’s a BS look at . . .
OTHER EXCITING MEDICAL ‘REVELATIONS’:
• Scientists actually can’t tell one damn lab rat from another.
• People live longer if their name is ‘Jimmy’.
• Lab monkeys are good kissers.
• Most perfect food? Salami.
• We’re using 100% of our brains all the time. Things aren’t going to get any better.

BS ADVANTAGES OF BEING MALE:
• You don’t have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• You can ‘do’ your nails with your pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Your last name stays put.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don’t give a rat’s tush if someone notices your new haircut.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s too ‘yucky’.
• The world is your urinal.
• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• A 7-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You get credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You don’t have to clean the house if the maid is coming.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.

TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• The Canadian province that gets the most precipitation is Nova Scotia. (BS. According to Environment Canada, British Columbia holds all records for total precipitation, but Québec gets the most snow on an annual basis.)
• Drinking too much water can kill you. (Difficult to do but TRUE, you can actually die from ‘water intoxication’.)
• There was no MVP named for the 1994 World Series. (TRUE. In fact, due to the baseball strike, there was no World Series, period.)
• Food was put into cans for 50 years before anyone invented a can opener. (TRUE! The first can openers were used in grocery stores, where clerks opened the cans before customers
took them home.)
• The Netherlands consumes more cheese per capita than any other country in the world. (BS. That honor goes to France.)
• Elephants like to get drunk. (TRUE! They return repeatedly to grazing grounds where they’ve found fermented fruit.)
• Beethoven always poured ice water over his head before he sat down to compose. (TRUE! He believed it stimulated his brain.)
• The most popular first name in the world is ‘John’. (BS. It’s ‘Muhammad’.)
 
BS SCAVENGER HUNT:
Here’s a little gimmick for a prize giveaway next time you’re on location somewhere. List a bunch of unusual items on your Website that relate to your station’s format. First listener to show up with all the items on the list wins the prize. The weirder the items, the better!

BULLMAIL:
“Just a quick line to let you know how pleased I am with your work. Thanks for helping me sound good. Now, if you could just help with a few extra hours of sleep I’d look good too!”
– Chuck LaTour @ The River 100.5 FM, Grand Rapids MI

BS TAG LINE:
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
– Erica Jong

 


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