Tuesday, April 9, 2002        Edition: #2271
Agghhh! There’s too much blood in my caffeine system!

Amy Fisher’s former friend Joey Buttafuoco and former missing member John Wayne Bobbit are being considered for the next edition of FOX-TV’s “Celebrity Boxing”, coming in MAY (they should change the title to ‘Losers On Parade’) . . . Also in the MAY sweeps, CBS will air a  “Mary Tyler Moore Show” [1970-77]  reunion special and ABC plans a “Laverne & Shirley” [1976-83] reunion (seems only people over 50 watch TV) . . . 71-year-old “Penthouse” publisher Bob Guccione says the explosion of pornography on the Internet is threatening to put porn magazines out of business (or ‘tits up’, as it were) . . . R Kelly has reportedly settled a civil suit with a former record label employee who claims she had an ‘R’-rated relationship when she was underage . . . Poor single mom Elizabeth Hurley has signed a $1.8 million deal to give Britain’s “OK!” magazine the exclusive story and pics of her newborn baby boy Damian . . . The creators of “South Park” say ‘Kenny’ has been killed off for good and replaced by the new kid character ‘Butters’ . . . U2’s Canadian producer Daniel Lanois confirms the band will release another ‘best-of’ compilation THIS FALL and is currently in the studio working on their next album . . . Britney Spears has been spotted sunbathing topless on a private yacht during a Florida vacation (that’s dangerous – plastic melts at 112 degrees!) . . . And everyone’s favorite celeb to slag, Kathie Lee Gifford, has written a first draft of what she calls a ‘painfully honest’ book about the past 6 years of her life (if she was real honest, the pages would be blank).

Director David Lynch received an Oscar nomination for his quirky mystery “Mulholland Drive” about a lost woman with amnesia who is helped by a wannabe actress (as usual in a Lynch film, there are a bazillion characters and twice as many plot twists) . . . Robert Reford & Brad Pitt star in “Spy Game”, an action thriller about a CIA agent on the brink of retirement who finds out his protege has been arrested for espionage in China (considering the names over the title this should have been a huge box office hit, but wasn’t) . . . John Cusack & Kate Beckinsale in the romantic comedy “Serendipity”, about a couple that runs into each other years after they first met, fell in love and separated (warning warning: chick flick!) . . . The Bosnian war drama “No Man’s Land” won the ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ Oscar with the story of a pair of Bosnian soldiers who wander into the no man’s land between Serbia and Bosnia during the 1993 war (light-hearted entertainment for all — pass the popcorn!).

TODAY much of England will shut down for the elaborate and flamboyant funeral for the Queen Mother Elizabeth scheduled to get underway about 6am EDT. By refusing to evacuate the royal family from London during WW2 and actually walking the bombed-out streets to bolster morale, the ‘Queen Mum’ curried enough favor in British hearts to pretty much do as she pleased for the remainder of her 101 years. A few facts –
• The woman loved to spend money — her fortune is estimated at $137 million and her annual annuity from the government was $1.4 million, but she still had trouble making ends meet. Even though her daughter QE2 kicked in an extra allowance of $4.5 million a year, word has it poor mumsy had debts totaling $9 million!
• The woman lived large – her ‘personal staff’ included chauffeurs, housekeepers, gardeners, butlers, gamekeepers, clerks, medical experts, footmen, cooks, grooms, cleaners — and her very own private detective. According to Kitty Kelly’s book “The Royals” (which was banned in the UK), she was a demanding and domineering master.
• She’s the last of the old-time royals – officially titled the ‘Empress of India’ until 1947, her coffin is topped with her own personal crown containing the 105.6-carat Koh-i-Noor diamond, looted from India in the old days of British Empire.
• She and her shy hubby King George VI made the first-ever visit by a reigning monarch to Canada in 1939. (At our expense, of course.)
• The ever-jammed QEW highway (Queen Elizabeth Way) from Buffalo to Toronto in Southern Ontario is named after her, NOT QEII.

According to a report in the “Journal of Genetic Counseling”, there is no legitimate biological reason to discourage first cousins from getting married. New research from the University of Washington suggests there is only a slightly higher risk of birth defects in the offspring of first cousins. (For a dissenting opinion, see any photo of Britain’s royal family.)

The hot new hobby of the 21st century is really quite old – knitting. According to the Craft Yarn Council, there’s been a dramatic increase in the popularity of knitting over the past few years. In fact, the number of knitters in North America has risen to 38 million, up 4 million since 1994. And it ain’t your granny that’s caused the increase – the fastest growing demographic of knitters are people in their teens to early 30s!

• Scientists have discovered a gene that in laboratory mice promotes monogamy. (The mice are not happy about it. Now when the cat’s away, there’s nothing to do.)
• New research shows that drivers who listen to up-tempo music on the road are more likely to have accidents. (They keep rear-ending people listening to Enrique Iglesias.)

• In Finland, women are protesting government plans to build another nuclear power station — with their wombs. Hundreds of Finnish femmes are vowing not to give birth for the next 4 years unless the plan is scrapped. (Their protest signs read ‘No Nukies or No Nookie!’)
• A Brazilian funeral parlor wants to pay compensation to an unfairly-dismissed employee — in
coffins. The company claims it can’t afford to pay the $1200 debt in cash, but is willing to settle for 10 funeral caskets. The former employee says, “I can’t eat coffins — I want the money.” (Could be worse — if you worked at a sewage treatment plant.)
• At a fashion show in Milan, the makers of the Wonderbra unveiled a new bra made entirely of chocolate. (What’s really great is it melts in your mouth, not in your hand.)
• A new Swiss study claims that 11 out of 29 European brands of bottled water that were tested contained traces of – human feces. (Coming soon – new Perrier Chunky.)
• European ATM provider Euronet is testing a new ‘booby-trapped’ cash machine that when broken into sprays glue all over the money, sticking the bank notes together so they can’t be separated. (Adding new dimension to the word ‘stick-up’.)


1926 [76] Hugh Hefner, Chicago IL, “Playboy” magazine founder who shares his space with SEVEN girlfriends/his son with estranged spouse Kimberly Conrad, Marston, turns 12 TODAY  NOTE: Appropriately, he has a species of rabbit named in his honor – sylvilagus palustris hefneri

1954 [48] Dennis Quaid, Houston TX, film actor (“The Rookie”, “Traffic”)/ex-Mr Meg Ryan/brother of actor Randy Quaid

1966 [36] Cynthia Nixon, NYC, TV actress (Miranda Hobbes-“Sex and the City”)

1967 [35] Graeme Lloyd, Geelong AUS, MLB relief pitcher (Montréal Expos)

1971 [31] Jacques Villeneuve, St-Jean d’Iberville QC, race car driver (1997 Formula One Champion, 1995 Indianapolis 500 winner)  NOTE: Was engaged to Aussie actress/singer Dannii Minogue (sister of Kylie) who recently told the UK press she ‘thanks God’ she didn’t marry him because the pressures of work and publicity would have driven them apart.

1978 [24] Rachel Stevens, London ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-“S Club Party”)/TV actress (“S Club 7 in Hollywood”)

1990 [12] Kristen Stewart, movie actress (plays Jodie Foster’s daughter in “Panic Room”)

TODAY new Canadian Alliance Party leader Stephen Harper and Progressive Conservative chief Joe Clark are scheduled to meet to discuss co-operation between the 2 parties in the latest attempt to ‘unite the right’. (If all goes according to form, tonight they’ll announce they’ve found several areas of common ground — in SEPARATE news conferences.)

TODAY is “Chicken Little Awareness Day”. Look up. Look waaay up. What d’ya see?

TODAY is “Name Yourself Day”, a day for anybody with a name they hate to tag themselves with a brand new label. Have people with weird names call in, then help re-name them using  the perfect tool – the Internet ‘Random Name Generator’. It kicks out lists of male or female names from actual census polls. You can even set the ‘obscurity factor’.
NET: http://www.kleimo.com/random/name.cfm

1999 [03] “Millennium Baby Day”, the day on which couples needed to conceive a ‘Y2K baby’ to be born on January 1, 2000 (did anyone listening pull it off successfully?)

1977 [25] Abba’s “Dancing Queen” reaches #1 on pop charts

1912 [90] 1st baseball game at Boston’s legendary Fenway Park (Red Sox beat Harvard 2-0)

1914 [88] 1st ‘color film’ opens, in London ENG (“The World, The Flesh & the Devil”)

1945 [57] NFL 1st makes socks mandatory for all players (the next season . . . pants)

1965 [37] 1st ‘indoor baseball game’ (Houston Astrodome)

1981 [21] ‘Longest-ever scientific word’ published in the journal “Nature” (207,000 letters)

1992 [10] ‘Heaviest chocolate Easter egg’ weighs 10,482 lbs, measures over 23′ high (Australia)

[Wed] Siblings Day (call your brother/sister on-air – argue)
[Wed] Salvation Army Founders Day (give away a shopping spree at the Sally Ann!)
[Wed] Golfers Day
[Thurs] Masters Golf tournament begins (Augusta GA)
Be Kind to Animals Week
Boost Your Home Town Month
Pet First Aid Awareness Month (yeah right, learn to perform CPR on your ferret)


“How do you think Sarah Jessica Parker’s pregnancy should be handled in the storyline on “Sex and the City”?

• The 1st doughnuts with holes were made by a 15-year-old, one Hanson Gregory, who cut out the soggy centers of his fried cakes.
• The 1st hamburgers were eaten raw, back in the Middle Ages.
• The 1st potato chips were made by an angry New York chef. A customer at his restaurant kept sending back his french fries, complaining that they were too thick and soft.
• The 1st ketchup was made of fish broth and mushrooms in China. It was called ‘ke-tsiap’. Sailors brought the sauce to England, where tomatoes were added and the name changed to ketchup.
Source: “Disney Adventures”

• Which of the following was NOT one of the Marx Brothers?
a) Harpo
b) Gummo
c) Zippo [CORRECT]
• Johann Gutenberg was famous for inventing what in 1455?
a) The printing press [CORRECT]
b) The phonograph
c) The ab exerciser
• Which of the following is NOT a Judo belt color?
a) orange
b) puce [CORRECT]
c) blue
• Which weapon is NOT used in the modern day sport of fencing?
a) Foil
b) Épée
c) Barbed wire [CORRECT]
• What is a ‘roker’?
a) A vinegar jar
b) A foot long ruler [CORRECT]
c) Someone who rokes
• Which of the following foods has the most calories?
a) Turnip
b) Celery
c) Melon [CORRECT]
• In which sport would you attempt a ‘snatch’?
a) Weightlifting [CORRECT]
b) Gymnastics
c) Diving

Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.


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