Monday, April 1, 2002 Edition: #2265
Happy BS Birthday!! On April 1, 1993 the first issue of “The Bull Sheet” was electronically published. 9 years and over 2,200 issues later, we’re now supplying info to subscribers around-the-world. Thanks for your support!
TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK:
• “Osama Bin LARDen – Osama Balloons to 280 Pounds to Disguise Himself!”
• “Homeless New Jersey Bum is the REAL King of England!”
• “Want Hot Sex With an ET? Wear a Flowery Hat!”
• “Incredible Cyclops People Found in Polynesia!”
• “Satan Escapes From Hell!”
(Thanks to the deviant minds at “Weekly World News”)
OTHER BS TABLOID GOSSIP:
• “Star” claims to have discovered what may be the real reason for the Drew Barrymore/Tom Green split — Drew’s been spotted partying with other girls, and we mean ‘partying’ in the Biblical sense. “Star” says it has ‘steamy world-exclusive photos’ of Drew having a gay old time during a girls night out.
• “National Enquirer” says “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini filed for divorce from his real-life wife after having a ‘torrid affair with a beautiful blonde actress’ by the name of Cynthia DeMoss. According to the tab, she describes Gandolfini as “kinky”. (On second thought, change that to ‘soon-to-be-deceased beautiful blonde actress’.)
• “News Of The World” reports pop singer Kylie Minogue has turned down an offer worth over $1.5 million to pose nude for “Playboy” mag. However, the tab says, she IS considering a similar-sized offer from the Sultan of Brunei to sing at a private birthday party for his son. (Just to prove she’s not above playing the ho.)
• Word is it’s taking Jennifer Aniston about 20 extra minutes to get her face ready to shoot “Friends” episodes these days. Why? If you believe “Star”, it’s the prickly beard hubby Brad Pitt has grown for his new sci-fi flick “The Last Man”. The growth, they say, is rubbing Jen’s usually flawless face the wrong way. (There are no reports however of her walking funny.)
• The UK’s “Mail On Sunday” says ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has an appointment with Cher’s California doctor to have a pair of tattoos removed via laser surgery. Total tab to take off a star between her shoulder blades and a black jaguar on her lower back — 2 grand! (Mention that to your teens next time they mention tats are cool.)
• According to “Star”, the romance between “Ally McBeal” star Calista Flockhart and divorced actor Harrison Ford has gotten so red-hot so fast, pals say the pair is getting ready to head for the altar. (She always wanted a Ford pickup.)
ANOTHER MYTH DEBUNKED:
According to the National Climatic Data Center, APRIL is NOT the month with the most precipitation in any area of North America. So the old adage, “April showers bring May flowers” is nothing but a load of BS.
Useful info if you’re caught in a spring shower – a US study finds that you get 16% wetter if you WALK in the rain for 90 meters (100 yards) than if you RUN. (But they didn’t take into account the sweat caused by all that running.)
LOOKING LIKE A STAR:
Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr Richard Fleming says about 40% of his practice involves working on celebrities. The rest of the time, he gets so many requests for celebrities’ features that he now compiles an annual list of the most requested parts. THIS YEAR’S favorite features for women/men according to the doc —
• Eyes: Heather Graham/Brad Pitt
• Nose: Heather Locklear/Edward Burns
• Cheeks: Halle Berry/Dylan McDermott
• Lips: Denise Richards/Benicio Del Toro
• Chin: Cate Blanchett/Russell Crowe
• Hair: Jennifer Aniston/Tom Cruise
• Body: Britney Spears/Will Smith
If you saved your tonsils in a jar, you may want to do the same with your fat after having liposuction. Why would you wanna? Your plastic surgeon can use it later to fill in face wrinkles. (Also useful for making home fries.)
THE LONGEST HOUR:
If you’re a CEO (Christmas & Easter Only) when it comes to church, take note – in a newly-released study, researchers at the University of California-Berkeley say attending church regularly can increase your life span. (Or at least make it seem longer.)
LOTSA AND LOTSA EASTER BUNNIES:
France’s National Institute for Agronomical Research has confirmed that it has successfully cloned the first rabbits using genetic material from adult cells. That means bunnies now join sheep, cattle, goats, mice, pigs and cats in the list of animals that have now been cloned.
IT’S ALIVE, ALIVE!
Concerned that new VHS machine you bought will soon be a dinosaur? Not to worry says the Video Software Dealers Association. Despite the flurry of DVD activity in that past couple of years, the VHS format continues to be the rental choice of consumers by a margin of 3 to 1. VSDA predicts it will continue to co-exist with DVD for years to come. It’s estimated that 50% of households will have a DVD player by late 2004, but by that time almost 100% will also have a VHS player. (Great, but does anyone wanna buy my 1986 Betamax?)
FROM THE POLL VAULT:
• A new poll released for Easter weekend reports, perhaps surprisingly, that Jesus is the #1 symbol of Easter, selected by 55% of respondents. The ‘Easter Bunny’ came a distant 2nd, drawing just 11% of the vote. (When the results came in Santa Claus commented, “Christ, I got my work cut out for me this year.”)
• In a new poll on sexual appeal, 74% of men surveyed say ‘breast size’ is a deciding factor in a woman’s overall attractiveness. (The survey was conducted during recess in the boys’ washroom at an elementary school.)
• According to a survey by the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 80% of women say they WOULDN’T be embarrassed if people knew they had plastic surgery. (In fact, those who’ve heard about the previous poll actually flaunt it!)
• “Vogue” magazine has selected Angelina Jolie as the ‘world’s perfect woman’ for its first-ever ‘Shape’ issue which ‘celebrates the female form in all its glorious variety’. The actress was picked for her ‘fantastic form that represents physical perfection’. (And the fact that ‘Lara Croft’ kicks butt bigtime.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.01.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932  Debbie (Mary Frances) Reynolds, El Paso TX, former movie actress (“Singin’ in the Rain”, “Tammy & the Bachelor”)/former pop singer (“Tammy”)/Carrie Fisher’s mom (subject of Fisher’s book/movie “Postcards From the Edge”) NOTE: In 1993, she opened a museum in a Vegas hotel with a collection of over 3000 Hollywood costumes and 46,000 sq ft of movie memorabilia — it went broke and she filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in 1997
1932  Gordon Jump, Dayton OH, ad huckster (he’s the long-time ‘Maytag repairman’ who in recent TV ads has been breaking in the ‘new guy’)/former TV actor (GM Arthur Carlson-“WKRP in Cincinnati”)
1964  Scott Stevens, Kitchener ON, NHL defenceman (New Jersey Devils)
1980  Bartholomew J ‘Bart’ Simpson, Springfield, fictitious brat (“The Simpsons”)
1981  Hannah Spearritt, Great Yarmouth UK, pop singer (S Club 7-“S Club Party”)/TV actress (“S Club 7 in Hollywood”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Today] Baseball Season opens for most teams
[Tonight] 64th NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship (Georgia Dome, Atlanta)
TODAY is “April Fools Day”, a tradition that’s the result of various cultural beliefs and practices which held a common theme — the emergence from the doldrums of winter. Foolish facts –
• Many say it originated with the reform of the calendar when “New Year’s Day” was moved from APRIL 1 to JANUARY 1. Those who clung to the old “New Year’s Day” were scoffed at as ‘fools’ and sent fake party invitations and prank gifts.
• That tradition began in France around 1564, where an ‘April Fool’ is called a ‘poisson d’avril’ (April fish).
• In India, the final day of the “Feast of Huli” begins MARCH 31, and is traditionally celebrated by acts of mischief.
• In Scotland, “April Fools Day” runs 48 hours. The 2nd day is called “Taily Day”, and is dedicated to pranks involving the buttocks. “Taily Day’s” gift to posterity is the ‘Kick Me’ sign. A Scottish fool is called an ‘April gowk’ or ‘April cuckoo’.
• Since 1980, the day has been celebrated in San Francisco CA as “St Stupid’s Day”, when a wacky parade is held.
• In Peru and Colombia, “Dia de los Inocentes” (“Candids’ Day”) is celebrated DECEMBER 28. Different date, but the same old pranks.
Sources: “Book of Days”, “World Holiday Book”
TODAY is “One Cent Day”, celebrating the world’s most useless currency. Appropriately, the city/state of Singapore will stop issuing one-cent coins TODAY. Isn’t it time we discontinued them here? They actually cost more to make than they are worth, and most of them are squirrelled away out of circulation in piggy banks, jars and drawers.
BS USES FOR A CANADIAN COPPER:
• Handy pocket screwdriver.
• Buying thoughts from people who refuse to speak.
• Makes a generous sound in collection box when door-to-door canvassers show up.
• Collect a hundred and you’ve got a useless looney.
TODAY is “National Sleep Day”, to encourage the sleep-deprived to get ‘8ZZZZZs, please!” British research shows that up to 25% of us complain of tiredness on any given day.
TONIGHT Paul McCartney kicks off his first North American tour in 9 years in Oakland CA. He’ll do 20 shows in 19 cities, including a 2-night gig at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
TOMORROW is “Reconciliation Day”, as declared by newspaper advice columnist Ann Landers, a day to write a letter or make a phone call in order to mend broken relationships. (Offer your services as a reconciliation counsellor, then play a pre-recorded conference call between a fake couple that deteriorates into a name calling fiasco.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997  ‘Blended Sales Tax’ combining GST & PST goes into effect in Maritimes
1999  Canada’s new territory ‘Nunavut’ officially splits from Northwest Territories
1992  Airline passengers arriving in LA greeted with April Fools sign saying “Welcome to Chicago”
1998  US federal judge throws out Paula Jones’ sexual harassment lawsuit vs Bill Clinton (4 years before Tonya Harding throws her out of a boxing ring)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1929  1st ‘yo-yo’ developed as a toy by Louie Marx (originally a weapon in the Phillippines)
1949  Earl Tupper 1st patents ‘Tupperware’ (original Tupperware is now being collected as an antique)
1972  BEEP BEEP! 1st ‘bar codes’ in supermarkets (and the 1st incorrect price is discovered on a cash register tape by a PO’d customer)
1987  1st ‘solo walk around-the-world’ completed (Steve Newman finishes the 15,000-mile trek after 4 years!)
1992  1st players strike in NHL’s 75-year history (a week before Stanley Cup playoffs dammit!)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1930  Chicago Cub Leo Hartnett breaks ‘altitude record for a catch’ by catching a baseball dropped from Goodyear blimp hovering 800 ft over Los Angeles (unfortunately the force of the catch shatters his jawbone!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] International Children’s Book Day
[Tues] National Peanut Butter & Jelly Day
[Wed] Armenian Appreciation Day
[Wed] Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Thurs] Canadian Comedy Awards
[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
National Drafting Week
Week of the Young Child
National Welding Month
Thai Heritage Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS APRIL FOOLS STUNTS:
• Use SFX of marching bands and live cut-ins to do a play-by-play of the local “April Fools Day Parade”, which of course exists only in your imagination.
• Swap names with your co-host for the morning, but don’t say anything to explain it.
• Announce that a massive power failure knocked out the power grid overnight and everyone’s clock is a half-hour behind, then give ‘corrected’ time checks. The worst that will happen is people will show up 30 minutes early.
• Promote a fabulous new contest — ‘Send us $100 and we’ll send you 25 words or less!’
BS Q & A:
Q: Which came first — the original “April Fool’s Day”, or Britain’s ‘Queen Mother’ (who died SATURDAY)?
A: “April Fool’s Day” can be traced to the 1500s. The ‘Queen Mother’ Elizabeth was born August 4, 1900.
Q: What shape are raindrops?
A: Strange but true — raindrops aren’t actually ‘raindrop-shaped’ or ‘tear-shaped’ as commonly believed. Studies show they are generally round, and sometimes doughnut-shaped.
Source: “Disney Adventures”
Q: In what country will you find the largest concentration of mongooses (or is that mongeese?) — Monaco, Mongolia, or India?
Source: “Trivia Quest”
BS TAG LINE:
Verbosity: refuge of those with nothing original to say.
BS welcomes samplers this week that include – Dominique Davis @ WSTU Atlanta GA, Aretha Stubbs @ CKJR Wetaskiwin AB, David Ross @ KCCG Corpus Christi TX, Dave Harris @ WHAJ Bluefield WV, Micke Jansson @ Radio City, Gothenburg, Sweden, Keri Jones @ HAVEN FM, Tenby UK, Dusty Rhodes @ WKCY Harrisonburg VA, and Jeff Cecil @ WMZK Merrill WI. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!