Monday, April 30, 2001                                                              Edition: #2044

The deadline for filing your 2000 income tax return with the Canadian Customs & Revenue Agency is midnight TONIGHT, unless of course you use one of these . . .
• Having trouble stapling firstborn child to T-4.
• I play in the NBA and am still trying to find all my dependents.
• Not sure if I have to claim money embezzled while working for the government.
• Still working on substantiating last year’s fraudulent deductions.
• Still standing on a high-rise building window ledge after finding out everything I own is in dot-com stocks.
• Thought late fees would make a nice deduction.
• H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow.
• Math is real hard, dude.

• As California millionaire Dennis Tito continues his $20-million space tour, “E! Online” notes that “Titanic” director James Cameron is now negotiating with the Russian Space Agency for a flight to the International Space Station. (Next he’ll be ‘King of the Universe’.)
• “ET Online’ notes that Sting will play himself on TONIGHT’S episode of “Ally McBeal” in which he seeks help from Robert Downey Jr’s attorney character in defending himself against a fan’s lawsuit. (The episode should be called ‘The Jailhouse Lawyer’.)
• TODAY Emmy-winning “West Wing” creator Aaron Sorkin is due in court over that recent bust for possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms, says “E! Online”. (As evidence of his innocence, he’s expected to present other items found in his suitcase – extra-potent pepperoni, low-fat mozza, and thin-crust pizza dough.)
• The “World Pop” Website claims ‘N Sync’s Joey Fatone & girlfriend Kelly Baldwin  quietly became parents to a new baby girl, Brianna, LAST WEEKEND. So far, no official comment.
• “Enquirer” claims the real reason Arnold Schwarzenegger bowed out of a run for California governor is a secret 7-year affair with former child actress Gigi Goyette which began when she was only 16. (Hey, he’s married into the Kennedy clan – what do you expect?)

• UK sports concern Dunlop has come up with a customized line of grubby tennis shoes, stained with tea, coffee and oil, and aimed at people in their late 20s and 30s who are nostalgic about school phys ed. The new ‘Dirty Flash’ shoes cost about $70 — twice as much as a normal clean pair. (If you’re REALLY nostalgic about phys ed, you’re gonna love their new ‘pre-stunk’ Ts.)
• If today’s tax deadline has you miffed with how much of our money the feds blow consider this – Britain’s Ministry of Defence has just admitted that the army paid for a small number of female soldiers to have breast enlargements — to make them happier (hey, you don’t want someone shooting at the enemy to be in a bad mood). And in Brazil, where cosmetic surgery has become the fad du jour, the popularity of Jennifer Lopez has led to a rush on ‘butt implants’ – a portion of them government subsidized.


1933     [68] Willie Nelson, Abbott TX, Country Music Hall of Fame singer (“On the Road Again”)
1963    [38] Michael Waltrip, Owensboro KY, NASCAR auto racer (2001 Daytona 500 winner whose teammate Dale Earnhardt was killed on the last lap)
1973    [28] Jeff Timmons, LA CA, pop singer (98 Degrees-“The Hardest Thing”)
1982    [19] Kirsten Dunst, Point Pleasant NJ, movie actress (“Bring It On”, “Get Over It”) NOTE: Will play ‘Mary Jane Watson’ in the “Spider-Man” movie coming next year
1984    [17] Tyler Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got A Girlfriend”, “26 Cents”)

TODAY is “National Honesty Day”, to celebrate those who are honorable in their dealings with others. Keep that in mind when you’re scrambling to get your income tax in!

TODAY is “Hairstylist Appreciation Day”, honoring the ‘great contribution snippers and coiffeurs make to our self-esteem’.

1939     [62] 1st public TV demonstration (New York World’s Fair)
1952     [49] 1st toy ever advertised on TV (‘Mr Potato Head’)

1986    [15] In Massachusetts, Ashrita Furman covers 12 miles in 10 hrs, 40 mins –.doing somersaults!
1996    [05] Longest 9-inning MLB game in history (4 hrs, 21 mins) as NY Yankees beat Baltimore Orioles 13-10
1999    [02] Frenchman Fabrice Gropaiz skates up to the Arc de Triomphe 28 mons and 17,000 miles after leaving Paris, to become 1st to circle the globe on in-line skates

[Tues] International Tuba Day
[Tues] Couple Appreciation Day
[Tues] Spring Cleaning Day
[Tues] May Day
[Thurs] “Survivor II” finale
Alcohol Awareness Month


• According to “Canadian Banker” magazine, 2 out of every 5 Canadians seek professional help to complete their income-tax returns, 4 out of every 5 federal MPs seek help, and — get this — 1 in every 606 Canadian adults WORKS FOR the Canadian Customs & Revenue Agency.
• In a new Yankelovich Partners poll, 27% of respondents say filling out and understanding their tax forms is the most difficult part about doing their income taxes. Asked what they’d do with a tax refund in another poll, 43% say ‘pay bills’, 30% would ‘save it’ and 24% say ‘blow it’!

Q: What word is pronounced differently when it is capitalized?
A: The word ‘polish/Polish’, is one of the few and perhaps the only one in the English language.

BS TAG LINE: Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.


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