Monday, April 9, 2001                                                            Edition: #2029

TODAY Hugh Hefner turns 75 (see Today’s Celebrity Birthdays), so here’s a look at . . .
BS THINGS NEVER HEARD AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION:
• “What’s airbrushing?”
• “My turn-offs include pipe smoking, silk pajamas and men who treat women as sex objects.”
• “I’m here to meet the writers of those great articles.”
• “Sorry Miss, but all of our ‘Playmates’ have to be Mensa members.”
• “Honey I’m sorry, but you’re breasts are just way too big.”
• “Checkmate!”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• According to “National Enquirer”, Nicole Kidman has secretly kept DNA samples from the baby she miscarried which prove Tom Cruise is the father, allegedly to prevent him from accusing her of being unfaithful. She also reportedly has a new companion — a little puppy. (Paper-trained using pics of Tom.)
• There’ll be no monkey love in Tim Burton’s new version of “Planet of the Apes”, opening in theaters JULY 27. “New York Daily News” reports Fox studio execs nixed plans to have human Mark Wahlberg engage in intimate relations with sexy ape Helena Bonham Carter — but they will swap monkey spit!
• For years “Friends” fans have heard about ‘Chandler’s’ weird cross-dressing father; now “Star” reveals we’ll finally get to meet him in the sitcom’s season finale. The transvestite pop shows up at ‘Chandler’ & ‘Monica’s’ wedding played by — actress Kathleen Turner!
• ”Star” reports ‘N Sync’s Justin Timberlake wants to write a book, but NOT a tell-all about his relationship with Britney Spears. He’s  shopping a proposal for a ‘sports thriller’.
• “Mail on Sunday” says George Harrison is selling his 120-room mansion in the British countryside because he’s been uncomfortable there since ‘99, when he was attacked by that knife-wielding intruder. Another reason to sell – he bought in 1970 for $194,000. The expected asking price now – close to $22 million!
• “E! Online” says flaky actor Woody Harrelson is embarking on a 1,500-mile bike ride and public speaking tour to promote ‘simple organic living’. He’ll be accompanied by a bus powered by hemp and vegetable oil that he calls ‘The Mothership’. (He must be sucking the tailpipe.)

ONLY IN CANADA:
• The “Globe & Mail” claims the Alliance party paid a seedy undercover agent to dig up dirt on the Liberals. (What a scandalous waste of money — they’re self-excavating!)
• It began with Toronto’s ‘416′ area code a few month’s back, then SATURDAY 10-digit dialing became required in the surrounding ‘905′ area. (Unfortunately I lost that finger in the chainsaw.)

WHAT WE DO IN THE LOO:
We average about an hour per day or 2 weeks per year in the bathroom. A new poll by the National Association for Continence [NAFC] sums up some of the things we do there . . .
• About half of respondents say they read or ‘ponder serious issues’. (Like “What’d I eat!?!”)
• 33% daydream, sing in the shower, or — talk on the phone. (Tacky tacky tacky.)
• A 3rd of women admit they talk to themselves or ‘admire themselves’. (In the Biblical sense?)
• 22% of men claim they’ve made love there. (Just like any other location you could name.)

THE BULL SHEET 04.09.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926     [75] Hugh Hefner, Chicago IL, “Playboy” magazine founder
    • Recently booted out his 3 look-alike girlfriends (2 of them sisters) and now shares his space with SEVEN girlfriends
    • His son with estranged spouse Kimberly Conrad, Marston, turns 11 today
    • Appropriately, he has a species of rabbit named in his honor – sylvilagus palustris hefneri
1954     [47] Dennis Quaid, Houston TX, film actor (“Traffic”, “Any Given Sunday”)/ex-Mr Meg Ryan
1966    [35] Cynthia Nixon, NYC, TV actress (Miranda Hobbes-“Sex and The City”)
1967    [34] Graeme Lloyd, Geelong AUS, MLB pitcher (Montreal Expos)
1971    [30] Jacques Villeneuve, St-Jean d’Iberville PQ, race car driver (1997 Formula One Champion,     1995 Indianapolis 500 winner)
1978    [23] Rachel Stevens, London ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-“S Club Party”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Name Yourself Day”, a day for anybody with a name they hate to tag themselves with a brand new label. Have people with weird names call in, then help re-name them.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1999    [02] “Millennium Baby Day”, the day on which couples needed to conceive a ‘Y2K baby’ to be born on January 1, 2000 (based on a 40-week pregnancy)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1945    [56] NFL 1st makes socks mandatory for all players (the next day — pants)
1965    [36] 1st indoor baseball game (Houston Astrodome) and 1st indoor home run (Mickey Mantle in exhibition game vs Astros)
1999    [02] Faith Hill begins 1st solo tour, “Faith Hill’s This Kiss Tour”, in Minneapolis

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981    [20] Longest-ever scientific word published in “Nature” magazine (207,000 letters)
1992    [09] Heaviest chocolate Easter egg weighs 10,482 lbs, measures over 23′ high (Australia)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Blockbuster Entertainment Awards
[Tues] Golfers Day
[Wed] NHL playoffs begin
[Wed] 8-Track Tape Day
[Fri] Good Friday and Friday the 13th
National Knuckles Down Month (honoring that great old North American game of ‘marbles’)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:

• Scientist Gregory Pincus, born 98 years ago TODAY (1903), invented what now-common item — the microwave oven, the birth control pill, or the Weed Whacker? [The birth control pill in 1955.]
• What does the ‘PT’ in Chrysler’s popular retro car, the PT Cruiser, stand for – ‘pretty truck’, ‘personal transportation’, or ‘play toy’? [Personal Transportation, according to “Time Annual 2001".]
• In medieval times, it was believed that eating hot cross buns on “Good Friday” would magically protect you from what — demon possession, flatulence, or  your house catching on fire? [Makes no sense, but it was thought to prevent house fires.]

BS TAG LINE: Never cry over spilt milk. It could’ve been whisky!

 


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