Wednesday, April 5, 2000 Edition: #1779
IF 99.9% IS GOOD ENOUGH, THEN . . .
• 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents today.
• 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped every year.
• 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled every hour.
• 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
• 315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled.
• 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
• 880,000 credit cards will have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
• 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
• 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
• A typical day would be 24 hours long — give or take 86.4 seconds.
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
The Archbishop of Canterbury is urging Prince Charles to marry Camilla Parker Bowles (either that or enter her in the Derby) . . . Leonardo DiCaprio has reportedly met with George Lucas about the role of ‘Anakin Skywalker’ in the next “Star Wars” episode but decided he won’t be in the film (only actor that makes news for NOT acting) . . . Julianna Margulies turned down $27 million to stay on “ER” for 2 more seasons (forget the ER, she needs the shrink ward!) . . . John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono will get an equal cut of the profits from the new Beatles book even though she wasn’t involved in the writing (thank goodness, or there’d likely be a chapter called “Oyyyeeeeoooowaaa”).
THE REAL ‘BOOB TUBE’:
A group that’s applied to the CRTC for a specialty channel devoted to sex called ‘Passion Television’ says human sexuality is the second most powerful human drive and is vastly under-represented on Canadian TV. (According to what IS on TV, the most powerful human drive must be golf.)
OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
Director James Toback’s “Black and White” is an ensemble piece that covers many aspects of society where black and white cultures collide and features an eclectic cast that includes Scott Caan, son of actor James Caan, convict Robert Downey Jr, Ben Stiller, Marla Maples, Brooke Shields, superbod Claudia Shiffer (whom they say is exceptionally good), and Mike Tyson playfully playing himself.
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Banals’ . . . A growing youth-culture movement that already has 10,000 members in France and Germany. They avoid all popular culture, all commercialism, and wear drab clothing. (Everywhere else they’re called nuns.)
• ‘Javant-Garde’ . . . Someone who thinks the ‘new media’ is cooler and more creative than ‘old media’. (Like Fortran is so passe, man.)
• ‘Aptronym’ – A name that’s appropriate to one’s job. Paul Dickson’s book “What’s in a Name?” notes that a Montreal window cleaner who died in a fall was named Will Drop. He’s also found a lawyer in Oliver BC named JH Argue, a chiropractor named Akin Frame, an optometrist named OO Fuzzy, a dentist named Les Plack and the Washington Bureau Chief for CNN – Bill Headline! (Ask listeners for the weirdest ‘aptronyms’ they’ve heard.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.05.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1916  Gregory Peck, La Jolla CA, movie actor (Oscar-To Kill a Mockingbird, MacArthur)
1950  Agnetha Faltskog, Stockholm SWE, classic pop singer (ABBA-Dancing Queen)
1952  Mitch Pileggi, Portland OR, TV actor (Assistant Director Walter Skinner-The X-Files)
1966  Mike McCready, Seattle WA, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-Last Kiss)
1968  Paula Cole, Rockport MA, pop singer (Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Go For Broke Day”, a day to throw caution to the wind and go all out (aka ‘Balls to the Wall Day’).
Today is “National Pay Equity Day”, promoting equal pay for equal work..(In that case, [your co-host] is WAY overpaid.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998 New toll free telephone exchange ‘8-7-7′ goes into operation (it took 20 years to use up all the ‘1-800′ numbers, but only 2 years to exhaust the ‘1-888′ numbers)
1998 “Lost in Space” finally ends “Titanic’s” record 15-week run atop movie box office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1970  1st ‘Nerf Ball’ (giving your son the ‘nerf’ to play touch football in the living room)
1971  1st woman to reach North Pole (Fran Phipps, wife of Canadian pilot Weldy Phipps)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Canadian Comedy Awards (on CTV April 7, Comedy Channel Apr 10)
[Thurs] Islamic New Year
Publicity Stunt Week
Cancer Control Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON THE AIR? (The radio rip-off of TV’s #1 show.)
• What percentage of Canadian adults claim they participate in one or more sports every week?
a) 15% b) 45% c) 75%
[b) According to “Canadian Social Trends”. Does “Hockey Night in Canada” count?]
• What is household dust mostly composed of?
a) Discarded human skin cells b) Dead insect parts c) Dirt
[a) We shed flakes of skin all the time.]
• In 1999 Canadians gambled THIS much money.
a) $800 million b) $2 billion c) $8 billion
[c) New stats show we gambled $8.1 billion and casinos surpassed lotteries as the gambling favorite.]
• This summer the Great Lakes are expected to do THIS.
a) Rise b) Fall c) Turn black
[b) Great Lakes Commission predicts water levels could fall as much as 10 ins below last year’s.]
• The US Treasury Department is considering adding THIS to American currency.
a) Color b) Plastic Coating c) Picture of Bill Clinton
[a) US bills may come in as many as 6 different colors as early as 2003. What an original concept!]
THE LAST WORD:
Successful marriage: One in which the husband knows what to remember and the wife knows what to forget.