Monday, April 3, 2000 Edition: #1777
BS QUESTIONS THAT ARE PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we’re already there?
• Why are they saving Daylight Time and where do they keep it?
• If all the countries in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• How can you tell when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• If a pizza joint sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “National Enquirer” reports that Ellis Amburn’s new book on Elizabeth Taylor, titled “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”, alleges that Richard Burton was bisexual. According to the tell-all tome, after he seduced ‘La Liz’, he also tried to tempt her then-husband, singer Eddie Fisher!
• “Mr Showbiz” reports that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are expecting their 2nd child in November. (Oh no, now Will will write “Just the THREE of Us”.)
• “Hollywood Reporter” claims 11-year-old Haley Joel Osment, who missed out on an Oscar for “The Sixth Sense”, will get $2 million to star in Steven Spielberg’s upcoming sci-fi epic “A.I.”. (He’ll blow it on Pokemon cards.)
• Britain’s “Sunday Telegraph” says the surviving Beatles have spent 6 years writing a 360-page autobiography called “The Beatles Anthology”, to be published this fall. The book will reportedly ‘set the record straight’. (We find out Ringo was the brains behind it all.)
• “Star” claims Gwyneth Paltrow has separate cell phones for each of her boyfriends — Ben Affleck and Guy Oseary – so she’ll know who’s calling before she answers. (Seems she has two ‘service providers’.)
• “Globe” reports that Matt Damon writes a poem every week for girlfriend Winona Ryder. (“You’re pretty and cute and look great in a sweater, I’d spend life with you except Ben Affleck’s better.”)
BAD NEWS FOR GIRLS!
New statistics show that unmarried men in their 30s are avoiding marriage like the plague! According to a recent study, 25% of men in their early 30s and 14% in their late 30s have NEVER married. Guys say the reason they’re not walking the aisle is there’s less social pressure to wed. They also cite changing sex roles and increased focus on career achievement. (Not to mention their decidedly unappealing, grotesque hairy backs.)
TRENDY NEW WORK-OUTS:
• ‘Hypno-Stretch’ – Performing stretching exercises while an instructor helps you visualize yourself as you want to be. (He holds a Britney Spears poster in front of your face.)
• ‘Monk Yoga’ — Exercises developed by Himalayan monks, including standing with your arms extended and spinning clockwise 21 times. (This will either make you heave or win you the gold medal at the World Figure Skating Championships.)
• ‘Karaoke Spin’ — Singing while you pedal a stationary bike. (As opposed to ‘Karaoke Sin’ – singing while you ravish your neighbor’s wife.)
• ‘Sauna Yoga’ — Exercising in a room where the temperature is 100F. (Usually followed by ‘Emergency Room Yoga’.)
(Source: “Glamour” magazine — April edition)
THE BULL SHEET 04.03.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924  Marlon Brando, Omaha NE, huge actor (Oscars-The Godfather, On the Waterfront)
1941  Eric Braeden, Kiel GER, TV soap actor (Victor Newman-Young & Restless, since 1980)
1958  Alec Baldwin, Massapequa NY, film actor (The Edge, Ghosts of Mississippi)/Mr Kim Basinger/Stephen, Billy & Daniel’s brother NOTE: Will star in the bigscreen epic “Pearl Harbor” coming next year
1959  David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs NY, TV actor (3 Emmys as Niles Crane-Frasier)
1961  Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn NY, film actor (Bowfinger, Life, Nutty Professor) NEXT FILM: “Nutty II: The Klumps”
1967  Brent Gilchrist, Moose Jaw SK, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)
1972  Jennie Garth, Urbana IL, TV actress (ex-Kelly Taylor-Beverly Hills 90210)
1998  Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael Jackson & baby carrier Debbie Rowe
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The week-long “2000 Women’s World Hockey Championship” takes to the ice today in Mississauga, with games also scheduled in Barrie, Kitchener, London, Niagara Falls, Oshawa, and Peterborough.
Today is “Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day”, a day when we’re encouraged to ENJOY work, not just endure it, even though 66% of us say we’re unhappy with our jobs.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 Pamela Wallin axed from CBC “Prime Time News” NOTE: She’s just jumped ship and signed a deal to host and produce shows for CTV and its new specialty channel Talk TV
1996 Vancouver Grizzlies snap 23-game losing streak (just 1 loss short of NBA futility record)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1882  1st ‘Wood Block Alarm’ which is suspended over bed and drops 20 wooden blocks on head when it goes off (funny, it never catches on)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981  One-legged Arnie Boldt of Saskatchewan jumps 6′-8¼”
1984  Opening of Lulu’s Roadhouse with world’s longest bar at 340 feet (Kitchener ON)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Tell-A-Lie Day
[Tues] National Hug a Newsman Day
[Wed] Rubber Eraser Day
Publicity Stunt Week
National Humor Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: The first issue of “TV Guide” was published 47 years ago today (1953). Who was on the cover – Bob Hope, Lucille Ball, or ‘Lassie’?
A: Lucille Ball, and her new baby Desi Arnez Jr.
THE LAST WORD:
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.