Wednesday, April 8, 2009        Edition: #3992
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!


DJ Samantha Ronson’s family is reportedly considering a restraining order to prevent her  ex-GF, Lindsay Lohan, from attempting to crash family gatherings (as she did on the weekend) . . . Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham has recorded a cameo appearance for the animated kids TV show “SpongeBob SquarePants” (she plays ‘StickChick WreckBecks’?) . . . An open casting call has been announced for the upcoming “Spider-Man” Broadway musical, which features music & lyrics by U2’s Bono & The Edge . . . An anonymous buyer has paid $460,000 for late movie cowboy Roy Rogers’ 1930-built OM-45 Deluxe Martin guitar, considered one of the world’s rarest, most coveted acoustic guitars (Rogers bought it in a pawn shop in 1933 for $30) . . . “Digital Music News” estimates the 2009 loss for video-sharing website YouTube to be $470 million (that $1.65 billion Google spent to buy it 3 years back seems a tad steep in the rearview mirror) . . . 55-year-old former WWE wrestling star Hulk Hogan has turned down the chance to find new love in a reality TV show similar show to “Rock of Love With Bret Michaels”, insisting he has ‘too much dignity’ (for once he’s proven it!) . . . And actress Gwyneth Paltrow (“Iron Man”) has been branded ‘loopy’ by a leading UK scientist after she wrote on her blog that household products like shampoo, cleaners, paint & toys can cause cancer in children (just one of her many silly suggestions at

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Former contestant Kellie Pickler returns to perform her latest single, “Best Days of Your Life”, which she co-wrote with Taylor Swift. Then the top 9 have another lopped off. The amateur songwriting contest for this season has been cancelled and new judge Kara DioGuardi is working on a song that may be selected as the winner’s coronation tune. (She’s done this in the past but her previous entries were all rejected.)
• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW/A Channel) – Former “American Idol” finalist Clay Aiken acts as a guest judge. (He knows fashion … just check his hairdos.)
• “Just For Laughs: 25th Anniversary Special” (CBC) – Top performances from past festivals air, selected by online voting.
• “The Unusuals” (ABC) – Amber Tamblyn (“Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants”) stars in this new series, playing a cop assigned to extremely quirky cases.


• Billy Ray Cyrus – This morning he plugs his new album (“Back to Tennessee”) and his daughter Miley’s new movie (“Hannah Montana: The Movie”) on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Chris Brown – Speculation is he’s looking for a plea bargain in his assault case, thereby explaining his ‘not guilty’ plea Monday. (That would be step 1 in getting the prosecution to consider alternatives to a long and expensive trial.)
• Coldplay – An LA federal court filing by their attorneys denies they copied parts of Joe Satriani’s “If I Could Fly” in their mega-hit “Viva La Vida”. It’s suggested any similarities aren’t sufficient enough to warrant damages and Satriani’s song lacks enough originality to receive copyright protection. (You be the judge:
• Keith Urban – His publicist has issued a statement denying NYC media reports that the septic tank of his tour bus was emptied on the street outside Webster Hall, a local venue where Urban performed. According to his rep, Urban had no vehicle at all; his tour bus was in Tennessee.
• Kiss – In a new innovation, the geezer rock band’s upcoming US & Canadian tour will be entirely routed based on demand from online fans. The tour kicks off in September.
• Pink – She performs on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel).
• Prince – Another of his recent performances on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) gets a rerun.
• Toby Keith – He’s steamed over an article actor Ethan Hawke wrote for the new issue of “Rolling Stone” that infers he once had a massive backstage argument with Kris Kristofferson over the war on terrorism. Keith calls the story “a fictitious [f—ing] lie.”
• Zac Brown Band – The RIAA has just certified their single “Chicken Fried” as platinum, for sales of over 1 million copies.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Greenwashing’ – Giving the impression that a product or service is environmentally friendly by making fuzzy claims and/or giving it a tree-hugging name. (“Nature’s Pal organic laundry detergent comes in a biodegradable box!”)
• ‘Kettling’ – The law enforcement tactic of maneuvering protesters into a confined area using a cordon of police personnel and vehicles. (“Corporal Creighton, can you confirm the crowd is kettled in the cordoned-off control corral ?”)
• ‘Sexting’ – Sending explicit or suggestive text messages. (“I got the restraining order but the creep still keeps sexting me on a regular basis anyway.”)
• ‘Zombie Bank’ – A bank that cannot lend money because its liabilities are greater than its assets, but remains in business thanks to US government support. (A business where they take your money and just hang onto it … how do you get a piece of that?)


A new ranking of the top tipsy portrayals on film …
5. ‘Wong Fei-hung’ (Jackie Chan), “The Legend of Drunken Master” (1994).
4. ‘Ben Sanderson’ (Nicolas Cage), “Leaving Las Vegas” (1995).
3. ‘Doc Holiday’ (Val Kilmer), “Tombstone” (1993).
2. ‘Frank The Tank’ (Will Ferrell), “Old School” (2003).
1. ‘Bluto’ (John Belushi), “National Lampoon’s Animal House” (1978).
(Dishonorable mention: Dudley Moore in 1981’s “Arthur”, but then … he wasn’t acting.)
– Adapted from

What do you get when you combine taxidermy with gadget hacking? Online how-to site ‘Instructables’ has posted step-by-step instructions on how to combine a travel-size computer  mouse (hardware) & a taxidermied dead mouse (wetware) to make a furry pointer for your PC. (It takes a really sick mind to think up this stuff, but an even sicker mind to go look at it.)

BORN IN 1982? OH-OH!

The just-published book “The 27s: The Greatest Myth of Rock & Roll” by Eric Segalstad & Josh Hunter reveals that more rock stars have died at 27 than at any other age. Among them: Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Rolling Stones co-founder Brian Jones. That’s why UK soul singer Amy Winehouse (25) is said to be terrified of joining the ‘27 Club’ and may partly explain why now-27 Britney Spears decided to clean up her act. (The book is mistitled, no? If it’s true, it’s not a ‘myth’ … it’s a ‘legend’.)


According to the “Journal Of the Marine Biological Association”, there are an estimated 47 species of ‘sea monsters’ left to be found, undiscovered creatures more than 2-meters-long that are swimming, slithering, or crawling in the world’s oceans. (Have a nice stroll on the beach!)
– PA News


• You can’t stop thinking about a mistake you made.
• You are intensely competitive and can’t stand doing worse than others.
• You either want to do something ‘just right’ or not at all.
• You demand perfection from others.
• You won’t ask for help if asking can be perceived as a flaw or weakness.
• You will persist at a task long after other people have quit.
• You are a fault-finder who must correct other people when they are wrong.
• You are highly aware of other people’s demands and expectations.
• You are very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of other people.
– BBC News


According to researchers at Surrey University, men are better at losing weight than women. A 6-month study of 300 volunteers who attempted to lose weight by following popular diets found that, on average, men lost twice as much weight as women. 13 of the top 20 dieters were male, even though men made up less than a third of the participants. (Simple reason … chocolate fix!)
– “Daily Telegraph”


• In 75% of North American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
• About 1-in-55 women in Canada who give birth do it in the vehicle on the way to the hospital.
• 41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer a minimum 3 times a day.
• Men are 4 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• An average woman has 17 sq ft of skin, but a women in her 9th month of pregnancy has 18.5 sq ft of skin.


1918 [91] Betty Ford, Chicago IL, former US First Lady/oldest surviving former occupant of the White House/co-founder of rehab clinic that bears her name

1963 [46] Julian Lennon, Liverpool UK, celebrity offspring (Cynthia & John Lennon’s son)/sometime pop singer (“Valotte”, “Too Late for Goodbyes”)

1966 [43] Robin Wright, Dallas TX, movie actress (“Beowulf”, “Forrest Gump”)/ex-Mrs Sean Penn (1996-2007)

1968 [41] Patricia Arquette, Chicago IL, TV actress (‘Allison Dubois’ on “Medium” since 2005)/movie actress (“Holes”, “Ed Wood”)/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage (1995-2001)/sister of actors Roseanna Arquette & David Arquette

1981 [28] Taylor Kitsch, Kelowna BC, TV actor (‘Tim Riggins’ on “Friday Night Lights” since 2006)  COMING UP: “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, opening May 1.


• “Bathroom Reading Week”. As we celebrate, let’s be grateful that there’s a ‘porcelain library’ in every home, office, and airport.

• “Birthday Of the Buddha” (563 BC), celebrated in Japan, Taiwan, Hawaii, Korea and elsewhere. Considered the most important Buddhist holiday.

• “International Feng Shui Awareness Day” (‘fung schway’), celebrating the oriental ‘art of placement’ in which architecture and interiors are situated to blend with their surroundings in order to create greater harmony. It may sound exotic, but virtually every skyscraper being built these days has received input from a ‘feng shui master’.

• “Passover” begins at sundown, the 7-day Jewish ‘Feast Of the Unleavened Bread’ commemorating the Exodus from Egypt and the liberation of the Israelites from slavery.

1990 [19] David Lynch’s cult series “Twin Peaks” premieres as a 2-hour movie (ABC)

1994 [15] Body of Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain is found, the victim of a self-inflicted shotgun blast (it’s later determined the event occurred several days earlier, likely April 5)


1969 [40] 1st ‘international’ Major League Baseball game as Montréal Expos (now Washington Nationals) play 1st regular season game, beating NY Mets 11-10 at NYC’s Shea Stadium

1974 [35] Hank Aaron breaks Babe Ruth’s career home run record, hitting his 715th MLB homer while playing for the Atlanta Braves … without steroids (finishes career with 755)

[Thurs] Full ‘Pink’ Moon
[Thurs] Alcohol Screening Day
[Thurs] Cherish an Antique Day
[Thurs] 73rd Masters Golf Tournament begins (Augusta GA)
[Thurs] Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
[Fri] Good Friday (Christian)
[Fri] Sibling Day
[Fri] “Dragonball Evolution”, “Hannah Montana: The Movie” open in movie theaters
This Week Is . . . Drafting Week
This Month Is . . .Holy Humor Month


• You’re running out of paper towels to soak up the blood.
• There’s a video on YouTube of you doing it, under the caption ‘Epic Failure’.
• Ceiling cat doesn’t even want to watch.
• It doesn’t show up when you Google it.
• The doctor wonders how you got an iPod up there.
• You ask the government for bailout money.
– Adapted from


Okay, it’s ‘fess up time. What have you done that you tried to hide … but got busted anyway?

• ‘Shear Hostility’
• ‘Clipping Penalty’
• ‘I Will Cut Your Head’
• ‘Get The Hell Out Of Hair’
• ‘Nervous McStabby’s Hair Care Place’
• ‘Running With Scissors’
• ‘Cuts & Bruises’
• ‘I Hate My Mother’
• ‘Los Angeles Clippers’
• ‘Mein Coif’
– Thanks to John Moe


I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do back-flips. They asked, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”


Each word of the 2-word answers to the following clues begins with the letter ‘W’ …
• We’ve had two; one ended in 1918, the other in 1945. [‘World Wars’]
• It’s what ‘Elmer Fudd’ called ‘Bugs Bunny’ in old WB cartoons. [‘Wascally Wabbit’]
• He ran the chocolate factory that ‘Charlie’ visited. [‘Willy Wonka’]
• The 1999-2006 TV series in which Martin Sheen played the US president. [‘West Wing’]
• A company that offers products & services to help you get skinny. [‘Weight Watchers’]
• It’s the part of an orchestra that has clarinets, flutes, piccolos, and oboes. [‘Wood Winds’]
• It’s what you see at Madame Tussauds museum. [‘Wax Works’]
• It’s where cowboy movies are set. [‘Wild West’]
• She’s the DC Comics character who’s a hot-babe superhero. [‘Wonder Woman’]
• It’s the NBA basketball team based in DC. [‘Washington Wizards’]

Today’s Question: The average family has about 90 dollars-worth of THIS that never gets used.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Spare change.


Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

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