Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Seems Tiger’s not out of the Woods yet. Alongside a string of adult film stars, cocktail waitresses, and ‘professional’ women he’s dallied with, a new report says he had an affair last year with a neighbor’s daughter whom his family has known since she was 14. 22-year-old Rachael Coudriet would be his youngest conquest, and the one he’s kept totally silent about. One reason may be her dad’s an ex-marine … who’s said to be livid. (Best to stay in Augusta?)
– “News Of the World”
• 78-year-old movie icon Elizabeth Taylor is reportedly set to wed for a 9th time. Her last union, to construction worker Larry Fortensky, ended in 1996. Now sources claim that she and her longtime companion Jason Winters (49) are now engaged. Taylor has often spoken publicly about her feelings for Winters, who recently became Janet Jackson’s manager. (This guy’s apparently into has-beens.)
• 33-year-old movie actor Colin Farrell knew it was time to curb his wild ways when he started becoming ‘really bad news’ on the set of movie flop “Miami Vice”. The Irish actor says he checked into rehab for 6 weeks after wrapping the 2006 film because he started to realize his addictions were becoming a big problem. Now clean and sober, he admits he has little memory of making the movie with Jamie Foxx. (Few people that saw it remember it either.)
– “Entertainment Weekly”
• “Iron Man 2” star Robert Downey Jr reveals that co-star Mickey Rourke, who plays onscreen nemesis ‘Whiplash’ in the film (opening May 7th), used an odd technique to become emotional during scenes … asking an aide to hold up pictures of his recently deceased beloved pet Chihuahuas off-camera. (Are they stiff in the pics or still yip, yip, yipping?)
– “Daily Express”
• Miley Cyrus has bought her first home and plans to spend the Summer renovating the Toluca Lake spread in Los Angeles so she can officially move in when she turns 18 this November. The actress/singer has reportedly spent $3.4 million on the property and can’t wait to call it home … once she and mommy have redesigned the interior. (And daddy lines her up more work to pay for the joint.)
• 38-year-old “Dancing With the Stars” co-host Brooke Burke is working on a memoir entitled “The Naked Mom” that will reveal how she balances her career and raising 4 children. Burke promises the book, due a year from now, will be ‘uncensored, revealing, vulnerable and sexy’. (Being a mom is ‘sexy’?)
• And 42-year-old actress-turned-“Dancing With the Stars” competitor Pamela Anderson is involved in a cover-up of … herself. Producers of the dance competition are said to be worried about a Janet Jackson-style wardrobe malfunction and have asked her to select more modest costumes and consider wearing a bra and pasties. (And maybe less of that extremely scary makeup!)
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/A Channel) – The remaining contestants perform.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Them Crooked Vultures (“Them Crooked Vultures”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Grizzly Bear (“Veckatimest”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Spoon (“Transference”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Sade (“Soldier of Love”).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Brad Paisley – He says he’s not comfortable campaigning for awards (as has become the norm) and so he won’t do it. (Another reason to like the guy.)
• Guns N’ Roses – Their tour of South & Central America seems to be attracting one catastrophe after another. They had to postpone Friday night’s show in San Jose, Costa Rica after a stage collapse caused by the weight of their big screen combined with water damage.
• Kenny Chesney – Friday he told “Oprah” his 2005 marriage to actress Renée Zellweger failed because he couldn’t make his career and life with her work together. (BS translation: Somebody wasn’t puttin’ out.)
• MGMT – Tonight in San Francisco the indie rockers kick off a Spring/Summer tour in support of their new album “Congratulations”. The trek includes stop-offs at the Coachella, Bamboozle, and Lollapalooza festivals.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• Anqing, China – A 47-year-old government official who had set himself the goal of sleeping with 800 women apparently took bribes so that he could afford to pay for them. His wife snitched to authorities after she discovered his diaries. One 2003 entry reads: “This year I must have sex with 56 woman. At least two of them must not be prostitutes.” And the official’s name? Mr Wang.
– “Irish Times”
• Copenhagen, Denmark – A few hundred drivers & warehouse workers at Danish brewer Carlsberg have walked off the job to protest a company decision to … limit beer drinking at work. The workers want to retain an old right to 3 beers per day while working. The new regulation (as of April 1st) only allows them to drink for free at lunch time.
• Beijing, China – Medical consultant Han Li has developed a new therapy that involves wrapping patients in oil-soaked blankets and … setting them afire! The heat therapy is said to produce total relaxation. Han admits it looks dangerous but claims he’s never burned a patient yet. He also offers an acupuncture heat treatment using flaming needles stuck into pressure points.
– Ananova News Service
THEY WALK AMONG US?
A new Ipsos poll of some 23,000 adults in 22 countries has found that 20% of respondents believe that aliens exist and live in our midst disguised as humans. In China and India the figure swells to 40%. More men than women – 22% vs 17% – believe that alien beings are on Earth; most believers are under age 35. The most skeptical countries are Belgium, Sweden, and the Netherlands, where just 8% believe the ‘little green men’ have arrived. (Maybe that’s where they’re hiding?)
– “China Daily”
Psychiatrist Louann Brizendine, who wrote the bestseller “The Female Brain” (2006), has now published its counterpart, “The Male Brain”. In it she says men are problem solvers, aren’t very good at emotional empathy, and are hard-wired by nature to have a lustful, wandering eye in order to seek out fertile females to mate with. That doesn’t mean men are all serial womanizers like Tiger and Jesse. Most adhere to an accepted range of behavior in relationships. Brizendon says the best indicator to whether a man will be faithful is whether his father was, because genes that promote monogamy are passed from father to son. (Seems Earl Woods got around.)
BS WEIRD-BUT-TRUE TAX WRITE-OFF ATTEMPTS:
• A furniture-store owner ended up in jail after deducting a $10,000 ‘consulting fee’ which he had paid to an arsonist … to burn down his store.
• An Amish man who pimped out the buggy he used for business wanted to deduct the accoutrements, including a velvet interior and tinted windshield.
• A salesman attempted to claim a $250 write-off for the cost of shortening his pants, saying it was to avoid being zapped by static electric generated by the carpet in his office.
• An admin assistant wanted to write off the cost of hair coloring because her boss liked her better as a blonde.
• A radio personality deducted his dog ‘Red’ as a dependent for several years before finally asking a CPA to straighten out the back-taxes he had managed to escape.
• An elderly taxpayer once claimed an act-of-God casualty loss after he accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet.
• One anxious taxpayer tried to claim the cost of a stress management class, reasoning that he was disturbed by having to drive past a tax office each day.
• And 16 years ago today (1994), exotic dancer Chesty Love claimed her surgical breast implants as a ‘business expense’ … and that one was okayed!
Dr John Winkelman of the Sleep Health Center in Brighton, Massachusetts says people with sleep-related eating disorders often wake up in a bed full of crumbs or discover wrappers from junk food that they’ve consumed while still asleep. ‘Sleep Eaters’, who make a beeline for the kitchen as often as 5 times a night while they’re in the land of nod, tend to binge on sugary, high-calorie snacks. Some go for bizarre food combos like peanut butter and pasta, and a few develop odd cravings for things like nail polish or paper. (Go to bed hungry, wake up fat.)
– “New York Times”
DI YOU KNOW?
• Yale University has just put the kibosh on sexual relationships between students and faculty members. (Now how are you supposed to get an ‘A’?)
• More redheads are born in Scotland than in any other country. 11% of the population has red hair. (94% has a red nose.)
AND WE QUOTE:
“This is embarrassing and personal but once a month, since I was 12-years-old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream [engagement] ring.”
– 31-year-old actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Ghost Whisperer”), who’s still single.
BS CHRONOMETER 04.12.10
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947  David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since
1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-93)/TV producer (Worldwide Pants)
BS WAYS LETTERMAN’S CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY:
• Practising stupid pet tricks with an intern.
• Sharing a stogy with his Mom.
• Making up another one of these damn lists!
1956  Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana, Cuba, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven” movies, “The Untouchables”)
1957  Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (Grammy Awards–“When Love Finds You”, “I Still Believe in You”, “When I Call Your Name”)/married to singer Amy Grant since 2000
1978  Guy Berryman, Kirkcaldy, Scotland, rock bassist (Coldplay-“Viva La Vida”, “Clocks”)
1979  Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Family Stone”, “The Hours”)
1979  Jennifer Morrison, Chicago IL, TV actress (‘Dr Allison Cameron’ on “House” since 2004)
1987  Brendon Urie, Las Vegas NV, rock singer/musician (Panic At the Disco-“I Write Sins Not Tragedies”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Licorice Day”. The best kind? We say ‘zout’ (salt) from The Netherlands. A recent UK study says licorice is good for dental health. (If you like black teeth, presumably.)
• “Look Up At the Sky Day”, because cloudscapes are the greatest free show on Earth! (Except for this show, of course.)
• “Teens Against Zits Day”. Wouldn’t that mean logically that someone, somewhere is actually FOR them?
• “Thank You, School Librarian Day”, a day for students to express gratitude to the person they’ve grown to know and love through a thousand detentions.
• “Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day”, a day of commitment to never vote for a shyster … er, an attorney.
• “Walk on Your Wild Side Day, a day to do something unpredictable. Go to work dressed like a gorilla, get a Master’s degree, something ‘they’ said you’d never do.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1995  On “Late Night” (CBS), actress Drew Barrymore jumps on David Letterman’s desk, does a bump & grind, then opens her blouse and flashes him
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1967  “O Canada” officially becomes the national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)
1972  “Fan Fair” debuts in Nashville TN but almost no country fans show up to see Loretta Lynn, Porter Wagoner, Roy Acuff, Minnie Pearl, Ernest Tubb, and Bill Monroe (now called “CMA Music Festival”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1980  Terry Fox begins “Marathon of Hope” in St John’s NL (forced to stop at Thunder Bay ON)
1994  1st ‘Email Spam’ as Arizona law firm Canter & Siegel floods Internet addresses with their ad (another reason to ‘Vote Lawyers Out of Office’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “Glee” returns (FOX/Global)
[Tues] International Moment of Laughter Day
[Wed] Be Kind to Lawyers Day
[Wed] Pan American Day
[Thurs] Take a Wild Guess Day
[Thurs] That Sucks Day
[Thurs] Equal Pay Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Crime Victims Rights Week / Environmental Week / International Whistlers Week / Karaoke Week / Library Week / Pan American Week / Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week / Personal Training Week / Week Of the Young Child
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS ACRONYM QUIZ:
An acronym is a word formed by the initials of a group of words in a name or phrase. So what do the initials stand for in the following words?
1. WYSIWYG (wizzy-wig)
A computer term meaning “What You See is What You Get.”
Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing.
Radio Detecting And Ranging.
Situation Normal, All [Fouled] Up.
BS RANDOM JOKE:
You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
BS PHONE STARTER:
What did your parents do when you were a kid that really embarrassed you?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 10% of movies rented have THIS in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They are never watched.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Compassion is the basis of all morality.