April 13, 2010

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010        Edition: #4239
Have Another Sheetload!


“Twilight Saga” star Kristen Stewart has kept silent about her love at first bite with co-star Robert Pattinson until now, blabbing in an interview that he’s asked her to marry him – but only as a joke (millions of 14-year-olds swoon!) . . . The web is abuzz over a tabloid report that Robert Pattinson will portray late Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain in an upcoming biopic, and that Courtney Love wants Scarlett Johansson to play her (all of this is news to Love’s manager) . . . Kate Gosselin has announced she will be starring in a new TLC reality show, cutsily titled “Twist of Kate” (in case you’re the one person left who’s not sick of her yet) . . . Lindsay Lohan has released a new look ad for her ‘6126′ clothing line (apparently in order to sell leggings, you have to dress skanky and wrap yourself around a stripper pole) . . . Famed feminist author Germaine Greer (“The Female Eunuch”) has revealed she had an affair in the mid-1970s with legendary Italian filmmaker Federico Fellini (“La Dolce Vita”) after he invited her to Italy to audition for a movie (she turned down the role but not his other offer) . . . A selection of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia is going up for auction in Las Vegas in late June, including the couch on which the screen legend reclined during therapy sessions (eww, hope they had it cleaned!) . . . Former TV talent show contestants Jennifer Hudson (“American Idol”) & Leona Lewis (“The X Factor”) have reportedly teamed up in the studio to record the theme song for the upcoming “Sex & The City” movie sequel (opening May 27th) . . . 29-year-old famous person Paris Hilton has apparently dumped her 14-month boyfriend Doug Reinhardt (a recent tweet reads: “My parents are so much fun to hang out with”) . . . And 49-year-old Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle tells an Australian TV interviewer that she continues to look for a partner, believing that someday her prince will come (seems she’s still dreaming the dream).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Last season’s runner-up, Adam Lambert, mentors the show’s current crop of contestants.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/A Channel) – Another celebrity is sent home. Vegas oddsmakers say it’s most likely to be reality TV star Kate Gosselin.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Cyndi Lauper (“Bring Ya To the Brink”).
• “Glee” (FOX/Global) – The hit musical comedy returns from a mid-season hiatus with a special Tuesday night episode following “American Idol”.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Them Crooked Vultures (“Them Crooked Vultures”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – La Roux (“La Roux”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – The Specials, the British ska band that reformed in 2009 after more than 2 decades apart.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Rerun show with Lady Antebellum (“Need You Now”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – New show with Lady Antebellum (“Need You Now”).

• Avril Lavigne – She & rumored boyfriend Brody Jenner have reportedly had matching lighting bolt tattoos inked on. Now that’s commitment!
• Cream – Bassist Jack Bruce reteamed with bandmates Eric Clapton & Ginger Baker for a few dates in 2005, but now says a full reunion tour of the classic rock trio will never happen.
• Kenny Chesney – He’ll donate $1 from each ticket sold to his upcoming film, “Summer in 3-D”, to the National Parks Conservation Association.
• Lady Gaga – She’s urging her fans not to sleep around, insisting it’s ‘not really cool’ to have a variety of sex partners.
• Miley Cyrus – It’s been announced she’ll host this year’s “MuchMusic Video Awards” on Sunday, June 20th.
• OK Go – Tonight they kick off a tour in support of their new album, “Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky”, in Salt Lake City UT.
• Pink Floyd – Founding member Roger Waters has announced he’s taking “The Wall” back on tour to celebrate the landmark album’s 30th anniversary. The trek will take in dates across the US and Canada between September and December of this year.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – Former member John Frusciante is the ‘Greatest Guitarist Of the Last 30 Years’ in a new BBC poll. Slash ranked second, followed by Muse frontman Matt Bellamy.

• “Pirate Radio” ( Comedy ): Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, and Nick Frost star in this 1960s-era comedy about an illegal radio station run by a band of rogue DJs on a ship in the North Sea. The story harkens back to Radio Caroline and other ‘pirate radio stations’ in the UK.
• “Tenure” ( Straight-to-DVD Comedy ): Luke Wilson & Gretchen Mol star in the story of a college professor who’s competing for tenure with a hot-shot female colleague. Shown at several film festivals but never released in theaters.
• Also released today: “Blessed Is the Match: The Life & Death of Hannah Senesh (Documentary); “Dallas: The Complete 13th Season (1989-90)” (Vintage TV); “Dora the Explorer: Explore the Earth!” (Animation); “Emergency!: Season 6” (Vintage TV); “Essential Art House: Volume 5” (Film Collection); “Plunder: The Crime of Our Time” (Documentary); and “We Believe” (Baseball Documentary).

A company called EduMetry, based in a Virginia suburb of Washington DC, offers the service of grading papers written by university undergraduates. Experts in India, Singapore, Malaysia and elsewhere do the work online and communicate with professors via email. The company advertises that its ‘assessors‘ hold advanced degrees and can quickly turn around assignments with efficient marking and sophisticated commentary. Professors can review the results – and edit them if they choose – before passing assignments back to students. (“I flunked, thanks to some guy named Ravi in Bangalore.”)
– Chronicle.com


Stressed by waiting for your computer to update information or download photos, music, or videos? You could be suffering from ‘Hourglass Syndrome’. A new survey finds that 66% of computer users are at least ‘somewhat stressed’ by slow-poke technology and 23% describe themselves as ‘very’ or ‘extremely stressed’. The poll also show that the average computer user spends about 13 minutes per day waiting for their technology to catch up to them. (Not too surprisingly, the survey was sponsored by …. computer chip maker Intel.)
– Reuters.com

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of us never get vehicle oil changes done on time.
• 41% of women say they are turned on by a stubbly man.
• 34% of us have shown up at work with a price tag still attached to clothing.
• 24% of us regularly watch TV while eating meals.
• 15% of men unknowingly have their fly down at any given moment.
• 10% of office workers have gotten into arguments over the temperature in the workplace.

Thanks to increased access to historical records in Australia, Britain, Canada, and the US, there’s a boom in what’s called the ‘family heritage industry’. But sociology professor Anne-Marie Kramer of Britain’s University of Warwick warns that researching your family tree can have a downside. You may uncover unwelcome info about paternity, illegitimacy, criminality, mental health, or financial problems that some relatives may not wish to discuss. Some may even become hostile when faced with a nosy relation prying into the past. (“So cousin Alice, I hear your real daddy was a traveling salesman; grandma & grandpa were siblings; and Uncle Walter liked to wear makeup and high-heels …”)
– Newshourly.net

Those recently ultra-popular antibacterial soaps may not be such a good idea. Detractors say they don’t work unless you leave them on your skin for 2 minutes (ever done that?); and they kill off the good bacteria that defend your body against the bad. And now scientific studies are rasing questions about triclosan, a key ingredient in the soaps, which may disrupt the body’s endocrine (gland) system and help create bacteria that are resistant to antibiotics. (Wonder exactly what’s in those hand-sanitizing dispensers that we’re all so obsessed with?)
– “Washington Post”

According to one survey, these are the everyday items we lose most often …
5. Garage door opener.
4. Purse.
3. Phone.
2. Wallet.
1. Keys.
– eHow.com


• In order to help combat exam stress, students at Britain’s prestigious Cambridge University are being offered … pole dancing lessons. ‘Pole Fitness Classes’ costing £2 ($3) an hour are limited to women only, no experience necessary. High-heels are discouraged.
– Telegraph.co.uk
• A sheriff’s deputy in Lake County, Colorado has been placed on unpaid leave after reportedly using a Taser on 30 students at the Lake County High School career fair. The deputy apparently agreed to demonstrate the electroshock weapon on students after they repeatedly asked.
– AOL News
• A German meat supplier became so ticked that a restaurant in Aachen couldn’t pay his bill, he took back the meat he’d just delivered … including steaks already being cooked or marinated, and some already on plates in front of diners. Police believe no offence was committed.
– AP
• A 19-year-old Fort Walton Beach, Florida resident has been busted for drinking a can of malt liquor while underage … in the back of a police cruiser … while receiving a courtesy ride home after her friend’s DUI arrest.
– TheSmokingGun.com


• Statistically, the safest age of life is 10-years-old.
– “Book of Useless Information”
• The world’s most expensive whisky that you can still buy is the ‘Macallan Fine & Rare Collection, 1939′. The price per bottle: $10,125.
– Forbes.com


1950 [60] Ron Perlman, NYC, movie actor (“Hellboy”, “Beauty & The Beast”)

1951 [59] Max Weinberg, South Orange NJ, rock drummer (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)/TV bandleader (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien” 1993-2009)

1972 [38] Aaron Lewis, Rutland VT, rock singer (Staind-“Believe”, “Right Here”)

1975 [35] Lou Bega, Monaco di Baviera, Germany, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Mambo #5”)


• “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the anniversary of the 1899 birth date of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Great Depression of the 1930s. A few facts …
– Among the proposed names for early versions of ‘Scrabble’ were ‘Lexiko’ and ‘Criss Cross Words’.
–  After ‘Scrabble’ was trademarked in 1948, the game was manufactured by friends and family, who painstakingly stamped letters on wooden tiles one at a time. The rate of production: 12 games an hour.
– The game was just a fad with Butts’ friends until a Macy’s executive saw it being played at a resort  in 1952 and the then world’s largest department store soon began carrying it.


1808 [202] William Henry Lane invents the ‘Tap Dance’ (his great-great-granddaughter Candy Lane later invents the ‘Lap Dance’)

1980 [30] Broadway musical “Grease” closes after 3,883 performances


2000 [10] Metallica becomes the first major recording act to file a copyright infringement suit against online music-sharing service Napster, initiating a music industry backlash against free downloads (doesn’t change a thing as it’s estimated 95% of music downloads are still illegal, over 1 billion tracks per month)


1989 [21] Canadian Human Rights Commission rules that gay couples can constitute a ‘family’ (kids begin getting a talk about the ‘birds and the birds’)


1979 [31] Longest doubles ping-pong match ends after 101 hours

1997 [13] At age 21, Tiger Woods becomes the youngest player ever to win The Masters golf tournament and also sets a record by finishing at 18-under-par


[Wed] Be Kind To Lawyers Day
[Wed] Pan American Day
[Thurs] Take a Wild Guess Day
[Fri] Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day
[Fri] High Five Day
[Fri] “Death At a Funeral”; Kick-Ass” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival begins (Indio CA)
This Week Is … Crime Victims Rights Week
This Month Is … Car Care Month


• “I’m glad you guys are so open-minded because …”
• “I know you don’t usually like tattoos, but …”
• “You know, you’d make great grandparents …”
• “The important thing is no one was hurt …”
• “Has the school called yet?”
• “Do you still have full coverage on the car?”
• “Now don’t overreact like the other parents did …”
• “First of all, I was an innocent bystander …”
• “How quickly can you liquidate your retirement plan?”
• “I love you. I really, really love you.”
– Adapted from Da Humorist Internet Archive

You can only keep 3 of your possessions … what are they?


What do you do if you are ‘pauciloquent’ (paw-SILL-o-kwent)?
a. You use as few words as possible when speaking. (CORRECT. Not a bad quality for radio personalities.)
b. You have an inordinate passion for collecting fingernail clippings.
c. You avoid all animal paws due to an unnatural abhorrence.

Dogs can’t smell fear, but they can smell wet pants.

Today’s Question: You are average if you now do THIS about 50 times a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Look at your cellphone.

It is not necessary to fall into a well to know its depth.

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