Tuesday, April 22, 2008        Edition: #3759
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

“Canadian Idol” is now taking ‘Last Chance Auditions’ online, whereby wannabe singers upload their best efforts (NET: http://lastchance.idol.ctv.ca/) . . . Longtime “Today” show weatherman Al Roker has signed on to host NBC-TV’s summer edition of “Celebrity Family Feud” (he’s the latest in a long line of “Feud” hosts that includes Richard Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, Richard Karn, and John O’Hurley) . . . Actor George Clooney has called for an end to the global hate campaign against China, saying plans to boycott the upcoming “Beijing Olympics” are ‘excessive’ (well there you go, the world’s honorary peace cop has spoken) . . . Britney Spears has agreed to reprise her cameo role as a love-struck receptionist on “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS), which gave the MARCH 24th episode the show’s highest-ever rating (just what she needs – more fame to deal with) . . . The children of late signing legend Ray Charles are accusing his longtime manager of tarnishing his legacy by releasing 2 posthumous CDs they claim their father would never have approved (BS translation: We didn’t get our cut) . . . 60-year-old Hells Angels veteran Sonny Barger is suing HBO over a new motorcycle drama called “1%”, claiming producers used his ideas and then cut him out of the loop (you don’t wanna get this guy mad) . . . ABC News has commissioned a behind-the-scenes documentary on the life of “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling which will air during the NOVEMBER sweeps (unless she sues them like everybody else) . . . And Ellen DeGeneres has finally unloaded her Montecito CA estate (which she’s repeatedly flogged on her daytime talk show) to 52-year-old Google CEO Eric Schmidt for a reported $20 million (she just clicked on “I’m Feeling Lucky”).

• Carrie Underwood – She’s lined up an endorsement deal with Vitaminwater energy drink to appear in ads and on a limited-edition bottle THIS SUMMER.
• Madonna – She’s asked a Malawian court to delay an adoption hearing for a 2nd time. She & hubby Guy Ritchie were due in court TODAY, when a judge was expected to formally approve their adoption of 2-year-old David Banda. But her nibs says she can’t attend because … she’s busy promoting her new album “Hard Candy” in the US.
• Paul McCartney – In an interview with PETA, he’s recommended that we all think seriously about becoming vegetarian in order to control global warming. (Uh huh, like a yummy plateful of beans … talk about greenhouse gas!)
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards owns some 3,000 guitars but only ever plays about 10 of them so he says he’s considering opening a museum to put the collection on display.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber mentors the final 6 contestants as they perform a selection of his songs from the set of “Phantom: The Las Vegas Spectacular” at the Venetian Hotel in Vegas.
• “Dancing With the Stars (ABC/CTV) – TONIGHT’s results show features a mishmash of performances, including Ashlee Simpson, Riverdance, and actual real ballroom dancers.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Canadian alt-country singer Kathleen Edwards (“Married Again”, “Six O’Clock News”) is the musical guest.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC) – British group Goldfrapp (“A&E”, “Number 1”) performs.

• “Charlie Wilson’s War” ( Drama ): Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Philip Seymour Hoffman star in this real-life story about a US congressman from Texas who engineered the arming of the mujahedin in Afghanistan to oppose the Soviet occupation in the 1980s.
• “Cloverfield” ( Sci-Fi Thriller ): A going-away party turns into a frantic fight for survival for a group of young people in Manhattan as they witness a monster’s vicious attack on NYC. Stars little-known actors Mike Vogel, Jessica Lucas, and Lizzy Caplan.
• “One Missed Call” ( Horror Thriller ): In this remake of a 2003 Japanese film, people start receiving voice-mail from their future selves that outlines the date, time, and some of the details of their deaths. Stars Shannyn Sossamon (“Moonlight”) and Edward Burns (“27 Dresses”).
• “The Trailer Park Boys: The Movie” ( Comedy ): Based on the TV series set in a Nova Scotia trailer park. Stars John Paul Tremblay (‘Julian’), Robb Wells (‘Ricky’) and Mike Smith (‘Bubbles’).
• Also released TODAY: “Friday Night Lights: The 2nd Season” (TV); “Laverne & Shirley: The Complete 4th Season (vintage TV); and “Shirley Temple: America’s Sweetheart Collection, Volume 6”.

Male drivers display more aggressive traits than females because they still react like cavemen, according to University of Manchester psychologist Geoffrey Beattie. He claims 21st-century male skulls contain essentially ‘Stone Age’ brains that are motivated by hunting, aggression, and risk-taking. But while men break more driving rules putting them at risk, women have more accidents due to errors of judgement and perception. (So there!)
– “Daily Telegraph”

South African company ‘Surepure’ claims to have developed a technology that will create wine that won’t give you a hangover. The ultra-violet system is said to kill harmful microbes and purify wine, allowing winemakers to avoid adding sulphur to the mix. The company asserts that sulphur is the ingredient that causes headaches and hangovers. (Oh, guess we were wrong … we always thought it was the alcohol.)
– “Curious Times”

A British company has developed a product called ‘Smells Like Mommy’, a mixture of sandalwood and gland secretions that’s supposed to take you back to when you were a baby and give you a warm, comforting feeling. (Now they’re working on ‘Smells like Daddy’ – a little beer, some old socks …)
– PA News

The latest way to develop the perfect beach body? The ‘Fanny Facial’. That’s right: Some dermatologists are offering special treatments for your booty so that it looks as good as possible in a string bikini. (Just what you always wanted … a butt mask with cooling cucumber enema.)
– “Cosmopolitan”

Future surgery promises to involve less cutting, less scarring, less pain, and shorter recovery periods. What’s called ‘Natural Orifice Surgery’ is an increasingly popular new technique in which surgeons use a flexible fiberoptic instrument inserted into the natural access points of your body. Gall bladders and appendixes have already been removed through the mouth. And LAST MONTH doctors at the University of California removed the appendix of a 24-year-old women through her vagina. (That’s nothing, [co-host] had a brain transplant through his navel.)
– “Time Magazine”

• In Dortmund, Germany a burglar who decided to deposit close to $80,000-worth of rare coins he’d robbed into a bank for safekeeping got a big surprise … he handed the loot right back to the rightful owner. The bank worker helping him recognized the collection as the same one that had been stolen from him just 3 days before. The perp’s now doing time. (What are the odds?)
– “GQ”
• In Belgrade, Serbia some 90 women have taken part in a running race wearing high-heel shoes with a required minimum height of 8 cm (3 inches). Grand prize is 3,000 euros or about $4,800. (Ankle cast not included.)
• In Studzianki, Poland a fireman is facing up to 10 years in the slammer after going on an arson spree, setting alight numerous buildings including 3 barns and a local fire station. Why’d he do it? He wanted to collect overtime pay so he could afford to buy his girlfriend a birthday present. (Thanks goodness he wasn’t an undertaker.)
– Ananova News
• In the UK a special coffee is being sold that’s blended from Jamaican Blue Mountain beans mixed with a coffee bean harvested from …. the dung of Indonesian civet cats. The felines apparently have the knack of identifying the most superior beans, so workers harvest the civet’s waste and extract them. The result is one of the world’s rarest and most expensive coffees. It’s selling in London at about $100 a cup. (“Waiter, this coffee tastes like crap!”)
– Metro.co.uk

• North Americans detect a person’s emotions by looking at his or her mouth. Other cultures, such as the Japanese, focus more on the eyes.
– CosmoDaily
• The most frequent cause of broken windows, according to an expert in the glass biz, is people shattering a pane to get into their homes after losing their keys. Errant baseballs are a close 2nd, followed by soccer balls.
– “Press-Enterprise”
• From the 10th through the 16th centuries in Europe, it wasn’t uncommon for animals to be arrested, assigned lawyers, and sentenced to everything from jail and hanging to exile and excommunication.
– “A Brief History of Anxiety” by Patricia Pearson
• Here’s an “Earth Day” challenge for you: UN’s environment program says you can reduce as much as 80% of the energy used laundering jeans by wearing them at least 3 times before washing them; washing them in cold water; and avoiding using the dryer or an iron afterward.
– Indo-Asian News Service
• Marijuana is the most lucrative domestic crop in the US, worth almost $36 billion in 2006 … more than corn and wheat combined.
– DrugScience.org


1937 [71] Jack Nicholson, Neptune NJ, movie actor (“The Bucket List”, “The Departed”)/3-time Oscar winner (“As Good As It Gets”, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, “Terms of Endearment”)

1950 [58] Peter Frampton, Beckenham UK, classic rock singer/guitarist (“Show Me the Way”, “Baby, I Love Your Way”)

1967 [41] Sherri Shepherd, Chicago IL, TV personality (“The View” since 2005)

1971 [37] Eric Mabius, Harrisburg PA, TV actor (‘Daniel Meade’ on “Ugly Betty” since 2006)

1974 [34] Shavo Odadjian, Yerevan, Armenia, alt-rock bassist (System Of A Down-“Hypnotize”, “Aerials”)

1979 [29] Daniel Johns, Newcastle, Australia, rock singer/guitarist (Silverchair-“Straight Lines”, “The Greatest View“)/married to pop singer Natalie Imbruglia (“Torn”) 2003-2008

• “Earth Day”, begun in 1970 and now the largest environmental event worldwide with some 1 billion people expected to participate in events that address environmental issues.
NET: http://www.earthday.ca
NET: http://ww2.earthday.net/
FACTOID: TODAY HarperCollins publishes 200,000 copies of the book, “MySpace/Our Planet: Change is Possible“, assembled using the best environmental tips collected from MySpace users via the ‘Our Planet’ page.

• “Girl Guide/Scout Leader Appreciation Day”, observed since 1982 to honor the many adult volunteers who keep the program running. Thanks ‘Brown Owl’!

• “Jelly Bean Day”. Originally they only came in a few colors but nowadays you can get them in lip-smacking flavors like Toasted Marshmallow, Café Latte, Margarita, A&W Root Beer, Bubble Gum, Strawberry Cheesecake, Buttered Popcorn, and Pina Colada.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/rua32

• “Pennsylvania Primary”, what could be the deciding factor in whether Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton becomes the Democratic candidate for US president.

1976 [32] Barbara Walters becomes the first female network news anchor as ABC-TV pays her a then-fortune of $1 million/year

1958 [50] Chickenfoot-shaped ‘Peace Symbol’ is introduced by British philosopher Bertrand Russell at an anti-nuclear demonstration in the UK (aka ‘Peace Sign’ or ‘24:7‘)

1969 [39] 1st ‘Human Eye Transplant’ (hey, keep an eye out for me, will ya?)

1998 [10] ‘Animal Kingdom’ opens at Walt Disney World in Orlando FL

1994 [14] World’s ‘Largest Lollipop’ weighs in at 3,011 lbs (Olstrup, Denmark)

2006 [02] 4 Canadian soldiers are killed north of Kandahar, Afghanistan by a roadside bomb, the worst single day combat loss for the Canadian military since the Korean War

[Wed] World Lab Animal Day
[Wed] 39th GMA Dove Awards (Nashville)
[Wed] Tribeca Film Festival begins (NYC)
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
[Fri] 39th New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival begins
[Fri] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Fri-Sun] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival (Indio CA)
This Week Is … Crime Victims Week                       
This Month Is … Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Month                  


• Every time someone gives you their phone number, it begins with ‘555-….’.
• When you yell from the edge of the Grand Canyon, there’s no echo.
• When playing touch football you always seem to be ‘going long’.
• You’re one of the best solitaire players in the world.
• Your parents introduce you as ‘an acquaintance’.
• Even your imaginary friend is damn sick of your company.
• Cellphone customer service reps laugh hysterically when you ask about the ‘Favorite 5′ plan.

A new ranking of the all-time worst singers-turned-temporary actors …
10. The Who’s Roger Daltrey in “Tommy” (1975).
9. Ice T in “Tank Girl” (1995).
8. Madonna in, er, anything.
7. Jon Bon Jovi in “U-571″ (2000).
6. Neil Diamond in “The Jazz Singer” (1980).
5. Sting in “Quadrophenia” (1979).
4. Rolling Stone Mick Jagger in “Freejack” (1992).
3. Britney Spears in “Crossroads” (2002).
2. Jennifer Lopez in ‘Gigli” (2003).
1. David Bowie in “Labyrinth” (1986).
– Condensed from HecklerSpray.com

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

You’ve heard the expression “Wake up and smell the coffee!” If you could wake up every morning to the distinct smell of any one thing, what would you choose?

Today’s Question: If a couple is 17 and dating, the female in the relationship spends more time doing THIS than the male.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Gazing at her partner.

As children we complain about homework; as adults we long to work at home.

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