Wednesday, April 2, 2008        Edition: #3745
There’s No BS Like Show BS …

“Borat” creator Sacha Baron Cohen is up to his old tricks, once again  filming a mockumentary as he tours across America upsetting people, this time masquerading as a flamboyant gay Austrian character named ‘Bruno’, whom he developed on his TV program “Da Ali G Show” (the new movie’s working title is “Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt”)  . . . Oscar-winning “Lord of the Rings” composer Howard Shore has confirmed he’s working on the soundtrack for the upcoming movie version of JRR Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” (scheduled to hit screens in 2010) . . . Word has it late actor Heath Ledger may have an 11-year-old love child hanging around because as a 17-year-old schoolboy he had an affair with a 25-year-old woman who later birthed a baby (people, you can quit making this stuff up – there’s hardly any money in the will!) . . . A woman who was ordered to stay away from John Cusack (“Being John Malkovich“) has been arrested in Malibu CA on suspicion of stalking the actor and violating her restraining order (not to accuse her of being stuck in the past, but her other idol is Rudolph Valentino) . . . Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has announced plans to build a British Food Museum dedicated to the country’s culinary achievements (like mushy peas) . . . ‘Grey’s Anatomy” star Patrick Dempsey has been signed as the face of a new, as-yet-unnamed men’s fragrance from Avon (‘McStinky’?) . . . And poor little rich girl Paris Hilton has suffered a grazed chin after being knocked to the ground by paparazzi while leaving a restaurant in  Prague, Czech Republic (unbelievable … no one kicked her?).

• Britney Spears – She’s reportedly been using colonic sessions to cleanse her system of toxins, making regular trips to a Beverly Hills clinic in an attempt to adopt a new positive lifestyle. Meantime, thanks to her portrayal of a receptionist on “How I Met Your Mother”, she’s been offered a job working as a real receptionist for animal rights group PETA. As if.
• Christina Aguilera – She’s angry with tabloids for calling her overweight. The new mom insists that her husband, Jordan Bratman, loves her voluptuous post-pregnancy figure. You go, fat girl!
• The Eagles – They’ve been signed to headline the 2008 “Magnetic Hill Music Festival” in Moncton AUGUST  2nd. Tix are $109.50 each. For that much, they should come to your home!
• Foo Fighters – An April Fools joke by The Rock FM in Auckland, New Zealand promising an ‘intimate acoustic set’ from the band got out of hand when thousands took the day off work and some out-of-towners booked flights into the city. The idea was to just play an album over a club’s PA system. The station was forced to scrap the stunt and apologize to fans.
• Kenny Chesney – The country superstar is considering the idea of marketing his own fashion line of denim jeans. The project is said to still be in the ‘concept stage’. So far, “No Shoes, No Shirt” and no pants.
• Radiohead – A new website allows fans to remix the band’s new single, “Nude” (released YESTERDAY). The bad news … you have to buy ‘stems’ of the track from iTunes first.

• “Criminal Minds” & ”CSI: NY” (CBS/CTV) – New post-strike episodes air … finally!
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Kellie Pickler shows off her “Red High Heels”.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Kylie Minogue promotes her new album “X”.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – The Bravery is the musical guest.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Norah Jones performs.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Avril Lavigne is on.
• Pearl Jam – Thanks to the success of the “Into the Wild” soundtrack, frontman Eddie Vedder kicks off his first-ever solo tour at the Centre For Performing Arts in Vancouver. Liam Finn opens.
• Rascal Flatts – They wrap their Canadian tour at GM Place in Vancouver. Taylor Swift opens.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – “Pocketful Of Sunshine” singer Natasha Bedingfield guests.

New technology could mean your suspicious partner will be able to track your whereabouts. The new application ‘Sniff’ (‘Social Network Integrated Friend Finder’), which will be available via Facebook or cellphone, provides users with a detailed map of the target subject’s location by locating their phone. The company behind the application, Useful Networks, plans to charge users about $1.50 per ‘sniff’. The technology may also be used to determine your own location if you’re lost. (So you can ‘sniff’ yourself … if you’re really into that.)
– “The Times”

New additions to ever-evolving English …
• ‘Frankenkinder’ – Kids whose parents are financially rich but time-poor. This generation of parents is trying to buy its children off so as not to disappoint them, but their kids are turning into monsters anyway. (“The Jones’ frankenkinder all have their own cellphones, iPods, TVs and game platforms, but they seem to be unfamiliar with the word ‘thank-you’.”)
• ‘Videophilia’ – A sedentary lifestyle focused on screen-based activities, particularly TV, the Internet, and video games. (“I’m sorry to tell you your son has died after contracting terminal videophilia. That may explain why he weighed 390 lbs.”)
• ‘Widget’ – A piece of software which a user can grab and put on their own PC or website. For instance, a new blackjack-themed widget is available on MySpace as a promo for the new movie “21”. (Thereby creating an excuse to get even LESS done at work.)

A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of people who use their computers in bed use them to send email. (We don’t even wanna know about the other 30%.)
• 64% of us distrust official statistics released by the government. (According to the Bureau of Statistics.)
• 45% of Americans don’t know that the Sun is a star. (No no no, George Clooney is a star. The Sun is a newspaper, no?)
• 39% of women have cried while on-the-job. (What’s scary is, most of them were really happy about something at the time.)
• 25% of women have not gained weight since the age of 18. (The other 75% despise them.)
• 15% of us pay someone to clean the house. (85% stiff mom for doing the job.)

• ‘The Bowl Cut’ (early ’60s) … The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Who.
• ‘The Hippie’ (late ‘60s) … Janis Joplin, Allman Bros, Grateful Dead.
• ‘The Boy Cut w/Headband’ (late ’70s) … Pat Benatar, Loverboy’s Mike Reno.
• ‘The Mullet’ (’80s-present) … Billy Ray Cyrus, Bono, Michael Bolton and most country singers.
• ‘The High-Top Fade’ (late ’80s) … Kid ‘N Play, Boyz II Men, New Edition.
• ‘The Bleach Job’ (late ’90s) … Sugar Ray, Eminem, Fred Durst, Everclear.
• ‘The Beard Ponytail’ (since 2000) … System of a Down, Disturbed, Metallica.
• ‘Emo Bed Head’ (since 2000) … Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz, Panic! At the Disco.
• ‘The Faux Hawk’ (since 2003) … Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, Kevin Federline, Ryan Seacrest (who once made fun of Sanjaya’s.).
– Condensed from “Blender Magazine”

The home renovation projects that give you the biggest return on your investment …
3. Floor & Wall Finishes – Don’t undervalue the paint and flooring in your home! Many buyers want a home that’s move-in ready, so the more appealing the walls and floors, the more interest your home will generate on the market. Simply repainting walls a warm, neutral color will give you a 29% better return than other popular renovations.
2. Bathroom(s) – A study by leading real estate companies shows that a well-designed bathroom renovation can generate up to a 56% better return on investment than average. Usually a bathroom reno involves the complete replacement of existing finishes and fixtures.
1. Kitchen – Experts say it is the best place to put your money, hands down. According to the Appraisal Institute of Canada, the average amount homeowners should spend on a kitchen reno is about 10-to-15% of the overall value of the home.
– “Chatelaine Magazine”

The ‘Quantum Sleeper’ bed features a mattress and oversized casket-like casing that will protect you from just about any kind of harm. Some of its optional features …
• Airtight & Watertight Sealing.
• Bio-Chemical Filtered Ventilation System.
• Bulletproof Plating.
• Cellphone, CB, and Shortwave Radio.
• DVD, Microwave and Refrigerator.
• Fire Resistant.
• Motion Detector, Smoke Detector, and Proximity Sensor.
• One-Way See-Through Head Cover.
• Toiletry System.
Sound perfect for a certain paranoid loved one? The company’s current estimate is that a bed with all of those options will set you back circa $135,000. (Waterproof sheets are extra.)
– “Mental Floss Magazine”

The NCAA Final Four Tournament is the 2nd-biggest betting event of the year after the Super Bowl.


1947 [61] Emmylou Harris, Birmingham AL, country/folk singer with 12 Grammy Awards (“Blue Kentucky Girl”, “To Know Him Is To Love Him”)

1961 [47] Christopher Meloni, Washington DC, TV actor (‘Detective Elliot Stabler’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1962 [46] Billy Dean, Quincy FL, country singer (“It’s What I Do”, “Somewhere in My Broken Heart”)

1967 [41] Greg Camp, West Covina CA, pop guitarist (Smash Mouth-“I’m A Believer”, “All Star”)

1969 [39] Tony Fredianelli, Santa Monica CA, alt-rock guitarist (Third Eye Blind-“How’s It Gonna Be”, “Jumper”)

1975 [33] Adam Rodriguez, Yonkers NY, TV actor (‘Eric Delko’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002)

1979 [29] Jesse Carmichael, Boulder CO, pop keyboardist (Maroon 5-“Makes Me Wonder”, “This Love”)

1981 [27] Bethany Joy Galeotti, Hollywood FL, TV actress (‘Haley James Scott’ on “One Tree Hill” since 2003)

1983 [25] Yung Joc (Jasiel Robinson), College Park GA, rapper (w/T-Pain-“Buy U a Drank [Shawty Snappin’]”, f/Nitti-“It’s Goin’ Down”)

• “International Children’s Book Day”, celebrated on the birthday of one of the most famous children’s authors, Hans Christian Andersen, who was born in Denmark on this day in 1805. He penned 168 fairytales in all, including “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, “The Princess & the Pea”, “The Ugly Duckling”, “Thumbelina”, and “The Little Mermaid”.
• “Places Where Daddy Hides Neat Things”
• “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
• “The Mouse, the Motorcycle & the Organ Donor Card”
• “Whining, Kicking & Crying to Get Your Way”
• “What’s That Bag For, Grandpa?”
• “Harry Potter & the Decline of Literacy”

• “Peanut Butter & Jelly Day”, celebrating what may be the world’s most popular sandwich. But what else have you sandwiched with peanut butter? We like PB and tuna. Nummers!

• “Reconciliation Day”, a day to write a letter or make a phone call in order to mend a broken relationship. (“Dear boss: Sorry about that April Fool’s Day whoopee cushion!”)

1956 [52] CBS-TV daytime drama “As the World Turns” debuts

2006 [02] Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” makes history by becoming the UK’s first-ever single to top the charts based solely on download sales

1902 [106] The 1st cinema, LA’s ‘Electric Theater’ opens, charging 10 cents for a 1-hour program, including the films “The Capture Of the Biddle Brothers” and “New York In a Blizzard”

1978 [30] ‘Velcro’ 1st introduced (inspired by the little hooks on burrs that attach to clothing)

1991 [17] 1st female Premier of a Canadian province takes office, Rita Johnston in BC

2005 [03] In Island Harbour, Labrador the bride hides her long johns & winter boots under her dress as a young couple gets married on an ice floe (witnessed by bludgeoned seals)

1975 [33] ‘World’s Tallest Free-Standing Structure’, Toronto’s CN Tower, is completed at 555 meters or 1,821 feet (only Torontonians can actually say ‘world’s tallest free-standing structure’)

1980 [28] Toshiaki Shirai & Yukiki Nagata of Tokyo, Japan set the world record for ‘Underwater Kissing’ (2 minutes, 18 seconds)

[Thurs] Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Thurs] Armenian Appreciation Day
[Fri] Walk to Work Day
[Fri] Alcohol-Free Weekend begins
[Fri] Toronto Blue Jays home opener
[Sat] 2008 NCAA Men’s Final Four Championship Semis (San Antonio TX)
[Sun] Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Sun] Juno Awards (Calgary)
[Sun] “The Tudors” triple-episode premiere (Bold)
This Week Is . . . Medication Safety Week (did you forget to take your meds today?)
This Month Is . . . Amateur Radio Month (afternoon jock is poster child)


A few household hints that will surely change your life …
• To fit more food in the freezer, cut out the cooking instructions from the pack and seal them, with the food, in clear plastic bags. The rest of the outer packaging goes in the recycling bin.
• When hanging a picture, put corn plasters on the corners at the back and you’ll prevent it from leaving marks on the wall.
• If you’ve got small nail holes on white walls and don’t want to repaint, fill them with white toothpaste.
• Hold a kitchen match in your mouth when peeling an onion and it will stop the tears.
• To take away the onion smell on your hands afterward, rub your hands with a stainless steel spoon.
– “The Abacus”

• Whyzit when parents catch their kids pulling a roll of toilet paper around the house they get upset yet when the puppy does it … it’s ‘cute’?
• Whyzit anti-globalization protests take place … around-the-world?
• Whyzit credit card companies keep ‘preselecting’ me for rejection?
• Whyzit reading in the bathroom isn’t considered ‘multi-tasking’?
• Whyzit we want to look like people who don’t eat?

What’s the silliest-shaped birthday cake you’ve ever baked (or received)?

People think I have an unusual walk. Hey, I’m just trying to hold my gut in.

Today’s Question: 13% of people have called the cops on their neighbor for THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: That freakin’ barking dog that never shuts up, yap yap yappin’ away all day and half the night; it’s enough to drive you … (oh, sorry.)

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.

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