Tuesday, April 8, 2008        Edition: #3749
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

Minimally-talented, spoiled-rotten skag Paris Hilton has apparently landed another TV gig, the upcoming MTV reality show “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” in which ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ battle it out to become her new best friend forever (just what level of mind would consider that a worthy cause to fight for?) . . . Word has it actress Scarlett Johansson’s relationship with Vancouver actor Ryan Reynolds has hit a rough patch as she’s being scared off by his mentions of marriage and babies (wow, an A-list actress who prioritizes career above procreation!) . . . “Star Wars” creator George Lucas is facing a legal battle over the rights to the distinctive white ‘Imperial Storm Trooper’ uniforms as British prop designer Andrew Ainsworth is now claiming he came up with the look back in 1976 and therefor has the right to market copies (apparently he just realized the $70 apiece he was paid is a pittance compared to the $12 billion “Star Wars” retail products have harvested worldwide) . . . A judge has ordered late soul singer James Brown’s personal belongings to be auctioned AUGUST 1st to help pay overdue taxes and mounting legal bills (among the 400 items on-the-block: a lock of his hair; a poem from Muhammad Ali; a letter from Princess Diana; and 78 pairs of shoes) . . . And actor/director George Clooney has called the cops after a mysterious voicemail from an unknown number reportedly warned him to break up with his girlfriend, Sarah Larson (he asked for the high-profile investigation shortly after he realized the “Leatherheads” box office was less than expected).

• Cher – Her ex-hubby & former singing partner, Sonny Bono, didn’t die in a skiing accident in 1998 but was clubbed to death by hired hitmen, at least according to a new tabloid exposé in “Globe” based on the investigations of a former FBI agent.
• George Michael – The soon-to-tour pop star is offering Brit graffiti artist Banksy $4 million to create a mural in his London home. A rep for the ‘hit-and-run’ artist who likes to preserve his anonymity says the reclusive painter will only consider the job if Michael leaves the premises during the work.
• John Mayer – A polygraph test is said to support a claim by celeb blogger Perez Hilton that he once ‘made out’ with the “Waiting On the World to Change” singer … or at least believes he did.
• Keith Urban – He & pregnant wife Nicole Kidman have bought a $7-million estate in the celebrity enclave of Brentwood CA where they hope to welcome their first child into the world in JULY.
• Kelly Clarkson – She says the fact that 4 of her unfinished new songs were leaked online ‘sucks’ but she hopes her fans like them. (BS translation: We pulled this stunt as a test balloon to see which tune will be the next single.)
• Madonna – The 49-year-old is reportedly now considering adopting a baby from India following a recent trip there. (“Guy, do we have one from there for our collection yet?”)
• Motley Crue – Bassist Nikki Sixx has been named president of Eleven Seven Records, where he’ll oversee a roster that includes rockers Buckcherry. Nope, it’s apparently not a joke.
• Nine Inch Nails – A revamped lineup fronted by Trent Reznor will reportedly kick off a world tour beginning in JULY with a North American leg that includes “Lollapalooza” in Chicago.
• Shakira – Prosecutors are investigating claims that 2 former employees of singer/songwriter Alejandro Sanz, who had a hit duet with her called “La Tortura”, attempted to use an explicit video as extortion. The tape is said to feature Shakira with not 1, but 2 men. (Muy caliente!)

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The theme is inspirational songs as it’s “Idol Gives Back” week.
• “Boston Legal” (ABC) / “NCIS” (CBS) – New post-writers-strike episodes air.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Sheryl Crow performs both her new single “Out of Our Heads” and her classic hit “All I Wanna Do”.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Daughtry (“Feels Like Tonight”) performs.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – “Bleeding Love” singer Leona Lewis is on.
• Rush – The veteran rockers release the 2-disc live set, “Snakes & Arrows Live”.
• “Secret Talents Of the Stars” (CBS) – The debut of a new reality show in which judges critique live performances by 16 celebs showcasing their unknown talents. Among those participating: country singer Clint Black; pop singer Mya; skater Sasha Cohen; “Star Trek” actor George Takei; oldies singer Sheila E; and that staple of TV reality shows … Danny Bonaduce.
•” Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel): Nu metal band POD (“Addicted”) performs.

• “Lions For Lambs” ( War Drama ): Tom Cruise & Meryl Streep star as a congressman with an eye on the White House & the TV journalist to whom he promises an explosive scoop about injured US soldiers in Afghanistan. Robert Redford directs & plays an altruistic college prof.
• “Resurrecting the Champ” ( Drama ): Josh Hartnett plays a sportswriter who saves a homeless guy from getting beaten up, then becomes convinced the destitute old dude (Samuel L Jackson) is a former boxing legend. Co-stars Teri Hatcher, Alan Alda & Peter Coyote. Partially shot in Calgary.
• “There Will Be Blood” ( Period Drama ): A sprawling epic about family, greed, religion, and oil, centered around a turn-of-the-20th-century prospector in the early days of the California petroleum biz. Daniel Day-Lewis won an Academy Award for ‘Best Actor in a Leading Role’. The film also won a ‘Cinematography’ Oscar. Also available in a ‘2-Disc Special Collector’s Edition’.
• “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” ( Comedy ): In another no-holds-barred comedy from producer/writer/ director Judd Apatow (“Superbad”, “Knocked Up”), John C Reilly portrays a wannabe recording star. This faux biopic co-stars Jenna Fischer (“The Office”).
• “The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep” ( Family Adventure ): A young boy discovers a large egg nearby Loch Ness which hatches into Scotland’s most fabled creature. Trouble is, the ‘water horse’ grows 10 times its size each day. Stars Emily Watson, Alex Etel, and Ben Chaplin. Also out in a ‘2-Disc Special Edition’.
• Also released TODAY: “Bette Davis Centenary Celebration Collection”; “The Cosby Show: Season 7/Season 8” (Classic TV); “Hell’s Kitchen: Season 1“ (TV); and “Perry Mason: 50th Anniversary Edition” (Classic TV).

The government in South Korea is proposing to reclassify dogs as livestock in order to set food safety standards for the meat. It’s estimated that between 2-and-4 million dogs are consumed in the country each year but at the moment there are no regulations for the processing of the meat to protect the health of consumers. The head of the Department of Food Safety says the situation needs to be addressed. (How come dog seems gross but not beef? Because cows don’t fetch?)

• The 1st doughnuts with holes were made by a 15-year-old, Hanson Gregory, who cut out the soggy centers of his fried cakes.
• The 1st hamburgers were eaten raw, back in the Middle Ages.
• The 1st potato chips were made by an angry New York chef. A customer at his restaurant kept sending back his french fries, complaining that they were too thick and soft.
• The 1st ketchup was made of fish broth and mushrooms in China. It was called ‘ke-tsiap’. Sailors brought the sauce to England, where tomatoes were added and the name changed.
– “Disney Adventures”

Podiatrists advise you should never buy shoes in the morning. Feet expand through the day as your feet take a pounding, so put off your footwear purchases until mid-day or later, when your feet are their ‘true size’. (And the aroma has truly ripened.)
– Reuters

• Toilet Roll Internet Browser – Designed to be installed on a toilet cubicle wall, the unit provides up-to-the-minute info on products, stocks, and lottery results. Users can even print items on a standard toilet roll. (Print off photos of your ex- for unspeakable uses.)
• DTV II Shower System – Kohler International’s top-of-the-line shower is touted to take showering to an ‘uncharted level of performance’. A digital control panel allows users to set 4 separate elements – water flow, music, colored lights, and steam. (Is there an ejector to get your teen daughter out when you’re running late for work?)
• Net-Enabled Chopping Board – A cutting board for chefs that’s capable of browsing the Internet and displaying recipes on a screen embedded right into the board. (“Oops, I just cleavered my monitor!”)
• Solar-Powered Sun Lounger – It automatically rotates in unison with the movement of the Sun providing tan fans with the much sought-after perfect all-over bronze job. (Gravol not included.)

• In Britain, an 88-year-old man is now accepting applications for what may be the best job in the world … drinking beer. After his drinking buddy died, Jack Hammond hasn’t been able to find a replacement to go to the pub with him. So now he’s offering $14-an-hour to the right gentleman who can carry on a conversation and enjoys a nice pint. (Plus free beer!)
– Times Online
• In Minneapolis MN, a woman has fended off an attack from a pit bull by … biting it on the nose. Ann Rice took the extreme measure after the vicious mutt jumped into her yard, clamped onto her  Labrador retriever, and refused to release it from its jaws. The pit bull has been quarantined … to see if it shows signs of rabies. (Meantime, Rice has a new job guarding a local junkyard.)
– “Globe & Mail”
• A primary school in Auckland, New Zealand is banning birthday cakes, starting next term. Officials at Oteha Valley School say the government’s healthy food guidelines are the reason. Birthdays can still be celebrated, but shared edible treats will not be allowed. (You can still skip in the schoolyard as long as you don’t use one of those dangerous ropes.)
– “New Zealand Herald”

• Nearly 3 billion people live on less than $2-a-day.
– Globalissues.org
• The optimal duration of sexual intercourse is 3-to-13 minutes, according to a new survey by researchers at Penn State Univerity at Erie.
– PSU.edu

• The Tasmanian devil , the largest marsupial carnivore in the world, is facing extinction because of a facial cancer epidemic that renders it unable to see or eat.
– BBC News


1918 [90] Betty Ford, Chicago IL, former US First Lady/co-founder of rehab clinic that bears her name

1963 [45] Julian Lennon, Liverpool UK, sometime pop singer (“Valotte”, “Too Late for Goodbyes”)/Cynthia & John Lennon’s son

1966 [42] Robin Wright, Dallas TX, movie actress (“Beowulf”, “Forrest Gump”)/Mrs Sean Penn 1996-2007

1968 [40] Patricia Arquette, Chicago IL, TV actress (‘Allison Dubois’ on “Medium” since 2005)/movie actress (“Holes”, “Ed Wood”)/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage (1995-2001)/sister of actors Roseanna Arquette & David Arquette

1980 [28] Katee Sackhoff, Portland OR, TV actress (‘Starbuck’ on “Battlestar Galactica” since 2004, ‘Sarah Corvus’ on “Bionic Woman” 2007)

• “Bathroom Reading Week”. As we celebrate, let’s be grateful that there’s a ‘porcelain library’ in every home, office and airport.

• “Birthday Of the Buddha” (563 BC), celebrated in Japan, Taiwan, Hawaii, Korea and elsewhere. Considered the most important Buddhist holiday.

• “Canadian National Wildlife Week”, first declared in 1947 by an act of Parliament to honor the birth date of Jack Miner (APRIL 10), one of the founders of Canada’s conservation movement and the namesake of the world famous waterfowl sanctuary in Kingsville ON which he established in 1904. He’s credited as a key player in saving Canada Geese from extinction. (Ah, so he’s the reason we can’t take a walk in the park anymore!)

• “International Feng Shui Awareness Day” (‘fung schway’), celebrating the oriental ‘art of placement’ in which architecture and interiors are situated to blend with their surroundings in order to create greater harmony. It may sound exotic, but virtually every skyscraper being built these days has received input from a ‘feng shui master’.

1998 [10] Final episode of legendary TV sitcom “Seinfeld” is filmed on a high-security set

1994 [14] Body of Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain is found, the victim of a self-inflicted shotgun blast (it’s later determined the event occurred several days earlier, likely APRIL 5)

1766 [242] 1st ‘Fire Escape’ involves wicker basket, pulley and chain (London UK)

1873 [135] NYC’s Alfred Paraf patents 1st successful ‘Oleomargarine’ (he calls it ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lard’)

1969 [39] 1st ‘International Major League Baseball’ game as Montréal Expos play 1st regular season game, beating NY Mets 11-10 at NYC’s Shea Stadium

1974 [34] Hank Aaron breaks Babe Ruth’s career home run record, hitting his 715th MLB homer while playing for Atlanta Braves (finishes career with 755)

[1 week today] Tax Day USA
[Wed] Chicken Little Awareness Day
[Wed] Name Yourself Day
[Wed] Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
[Wed] 2nd “Idol Gives Back“ special (FOX)
[Thurs] Siblings Day
[Thurs] Golfers Day
[Thurs-Apr 13] Masters Golf Tournament (Augusta GA)
[Fri] Miss USA Pageant (Las Vegas)
This Week Is . . . Drafting Week
This Month Is . . .Holy Humor Month (because a good religion is one with a sense of humor)


• You have to sit down to put on or take off your underwear.
• All the junk you threw out the last time you moved is now worth a fortune now on “Antiques Roadshow”.
• You can remember when anything stamped ‘Made in Japan’ didn’t work.
• Your arms aren’t strong enough to hold up the book you’re reading, and it’s only a paperback.
• Every time you talk about the future, you find yourself adding the phrase, “God willing”.
– “Worcester Telegram & Gazette“

• What’s wrong with my screen? Why does it need to be ‘saved’?
• How do I survive without taking ‘essential minerals’?
• Did Atlas see a chiropractor?
• What do the Hawaiians have against the consonant?
• If you try to be the most non-competitive person in-the-world, are you?

You are suffering from ‘taresthesia’. What’s the prob?
a. Your foot is asleep. [CORRECT]
b. You can’t stop hiccuping.
c. You have severe armpit rash.

If you’re 35 and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, odds are you’ve made a serious vocational error.

Today’s Question: In a survey, 32% of people attempting to stay on a diet say they eventually cheated when offered THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A piece of pie.

Everything is funny … as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Printer Friendly Version