Thursday, April 3, 2008        Edition: #3746
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

“American Idol” contestant David Cook was feeling light-headed and experiencing stress-related heart palpitations before his performance TUESDAY, but insisted on completing the show before going to hospital where he was checked out and given medication for high blood pressure . . . Also in the ER TUESDAY: “Dancing With the Stars” pro Derek Hough, who was taken by ambulance from the set after spraining his neck while rehearsing but managed to suit up for the results show even though he didn’t perform  (the behind-the-scenes stuff is better than reality shows!) . . . MTV UK has begun auditions for a British version of “The Hills”, putting out a casting call for people with ‘striking looks, personal style, and a good personality’ (they forgot ‘shallow values’) . . . TV actor Ray Romano (“ Everybody Loves Raymond“ 1996-2005) is set to return to the small-screen in the dramedy pilot “Men of a Certain Age” (TNT), playing a divorced father dealing with mid-life crises . . . A casting competition for a new version of Disney Channel’s “High School Musical” will be among 8 unscripted series that ABC-TV says it will air THIS SUMMER . . . 65-year-old critic Roger Ebert will resume writing movie reviews later THIS MONTH but will not rejoin his syndicated TV show, “Ebert & Roeper”, because he’s still unable to speak following cancer surgery that ended in complications . . . And actor Jake Gyllenhaal has blabbed to the media that actress -girlfriend Reese Witherspoon has an odd natural ability –  she can grow a mean goatee (you just got off on the exit ramp to Dumpsville, dude).

• Beyoncé – “People” magazine reports the 26-year-old singer & her 38-year-old mentor, Jay-Z, have obtained a New York wedding license which is valid for 60 days. No one’s divulging any other info, but they’ve been together 5 years … it’s time, isn’t it?
• Elvis Costello – The veteran Brit musician (and hubby of Diana Krall) will host a new TV show called “Spectacle: Elvis Costello With …” (CTV) in which he’ll feature performances and in-depth discussions with influential personalities. The Canadian-British co-production is being executive-produced by Elton John’s company, Rocket Pictures.
• Nickelback – Frontman Chad Kroeger could face a fine and/or temporary driving ban MAY 1st when he’s sentenced for his conviction of DUI in a Surrey BC court.
• R Kelly – He’s just made his 113th appearance in Chicago court over that 2002 charge of relations with a minor (who’s now 21). The case is on track to finally go to trial MAY 9th.
• Trace Adkins – The country star has just been cast in the upcoming comedy film “An American Carol” in the role of the ‘Grim Reaper’. Kelsey Grammar will portray ‘Ebenezer Scrooge’.
• Velvet Revolver – Frontman Scott Weiland has officially parted ways with the group and it doesn’t sound like an amicable split. A statement from the band says his ‘increasingly erratic on-stage behavior’ and ‘personal problems’ have forced them to move on.

• “CSI” (CBS/CTV) – Grissom’s back! A new post-strike episode airs. William Petersen has just signed a new deal to appear in a reduced number of episodes for a 9th season for which he’ll collect circa $600,000 each. He also gets an executive producer credit.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Sheryl Crow promotes her new album “Detours”.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated./CTV) – Mario (“Let Me Love You”) performs new material.
• “My Name Is Earl “ (NBC/Global) – A 1-hour season return episode features guest star Paris Hilton, playing … herself. How unappealing.
• “Rock The Cradle” (MTV) – Children of semi-famous musicians the likes of Bobby Brown, Dee Snider, Eddie Money, Joe Walsh, MC Hammer & Olivia Newton John compete in this new talent show seeking the next singing sensation. Music industry honchos help do the judging.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Jordanian-American Ferras performs his new single “Hollywood’s Not America”. Hopefully, Jay won’t ask him for his ‘most Arab look’.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Snoop Dogg sits in on the panel.
• ”Without a Trace” (CBS) – A new post-strike episode airs. Hurray!

A BS selection of films in the making …
• “The A-Team” – The movie version will follow the basic recipe of the TV show (1983-87) with 4 ex-military men teaming up to solve capers that involve chases, pursuits, and more chases. Director John Singleton (“Four Brothers”) promises a ‘serious action’ movie. JUNE 12, 2009 is being targeted for release even though the film is currently sans actors and without script. One thing for certain is that soon-to-turn-56 Mr T (Lawrence Tureaud) will NOT be reprising his role as ‘BA Baracus’.
• “Friday the 13th” – Yet another installment of the long-running horror series is in the works for a 2009 release. Jared Padalecki is in final negotiations to star as the lead investigator in the story about councilors in a special needs camp who are picked off one-by-one by an unknown assassin. The film is on track for release on Friday the 13th in FEBRUARY 2009.
• “The Hannah Montana Movie” – 15-year-old Miley Cyrus will be spending her summer vacation in Nashville shooting her alter-ego’s first scripted leap to the bigscreen. “Country Weekly Magazine” says Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear & Dwayne Johnson (formerly The Rock) may make appearances in the film. Producer Billy Ray Cyrus has also expressed a desire for Willie Nelson to appear. Filming begins APRIL 12th with a scheduled release date of MAY 1, 2009.
• “The Love Guru“ – Mike Myers plays an American raised outside the country by gurus who returns home to break into the self-help biz. The comedy co-stars Jessica Alba & Justin Timberlake, and includes a cameo by Jessica Simpson. Hindu groups are demanding advance screenings due to concerns the film lampoons Hinduism. It’s slated for release on JUNE 20th.
• “Manson Girls” – A new bigscreen take on the 1969 Charles Manson “Helter Skelter” murders will focus on Manson’s band of women. Lindsay Lohan will play Nancy Pitman (aka ‘Brenda’), one of the cult followers. Manson, who was convicted of 7 counts of murder in 1971, is now 73 and serving a life sentence.

TODAY a pilotless spacecraft is scheduled to dock with the International Space Station to deliver essential supplies, including … clean underpants. To deliver the materiel, the Automated Transfer Vehicle will have to insert a 3-foot-long pole through an 8-inch-wide hole – no mean feat when traveling over 15,000 mph relative to the Earth’s surface 225 miles below. The ATV, named the “Jules Verne”, will also deliver a 1st-edition copy of the French author’s “From The Earth to the Moon”, which will be stamped by the astronauts and later displayed in a museum. Also included in the cargo are food, water, and new uniforms. (No pizza?)
– “GQ”

Former NYC head waiter Phoebe Damrosch has just published a book called “Service Included” in which she says celebrities tend to have much in common when dining in upscale restaurants. For instance …
• On the whole, celebrities have large craniums … literally big heads.
• They are usually the last of any dining party to show up.
• They always seem to have allergies to specific food items.
• They are not as attractive in person but usually have the best hair, skin and shoes in the room.
• They love to talk about other celebrities … but only by first names.
• If there are multiple celebs in the room, they feel they must get up and speak to one another.
– “Daily Telegraph”

According to a recent poll, a crying child in the backseat of a car is as distracting to the driver as talking on a cellphone. Nearly 95% of 2,000 surveyed parents admit that a child having a tantrum takes their attention off the road. More than two-thirds consider it as dangerous as talking on the phone while driving. (In related news, hands-free and vibration alert babies are expected to hit the market soon.)

According to a new survey by E-Poll Market Research, these are the celebs that get far more limelight than they deserve (and the percentage of people who think so) …
10. Jessica Simpson (41%)
9. Donald Trump (42%)
8. Michael Jackson (44%)
7. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen (45%)
6. Nicole Richie (46%)
5. [tie] Lindsay Lohan / Tom Cruise (47%)
4. [tie] Pamela Anderson / Kevin Federline (48%)
3. The late-but-still-talked-about Anna Nicole Smith (57%)
2. Britney Spears (62%)
1. Paris Hilton (66%)
– “Forbes Magazine”

• Each time you move to another home, things are lost, broken or discarded. For the average family, 6 moves equals the damage of 1 house fire.
– AP
• About 14 million, or roughly 18% of America’s 79 million Baby Boomers can expect to develop Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia, according to a new report. The likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s doubles every 5 years after 65.
– “USA Today”


1942 [66] Wayne Newton, Roanoke VA, aging pop singer who became a Las Vegas institution in the ‘80s & ‘90s (“Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast”, “Danke Schoen”)

1958 [50] Alec Baldwin, Massapequa NY, TV actor (‘Jack Donaghy’ on “30 Rock” since 2006)/movie actor (“The Departed”, “Ghosts of Mississippi”)/ex-Mr Kim Basinger 1993-2002

1961 [47] Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Dreamgirls”, “Shrek”)/former TV comedian (“Saturday Night Live” 1980-84)

1963 [45] Jack Del Rio, Castro Valley CA, NFL head coach (Jacksonville Jaguars since 2003)

1982 [26] Cobie (Jacoba Fransisca Maria) Smulders, Vancouver BC, TV actress (‘Robin Scherbatsky’ on “How I Met Your Mother” since 2005)

1985 [23] Leona Lewis, London UK, pop singer (“Bleeding Love”)/winner of Simon Cowell’s ”X Factor” talent show (2006)  FACTOID: Cowell calls his protégée a ‘great role model’.

1986 [22] Amanda Bynes, Thousand Oaks CA, movie actress (“Sydney White”, “Hairspray”)

• “Armenian Appreciation Day”, honoring the small country bordering the Black Sea which most recently re-gained its independence in 1991. It’s history of invasion and genocide led to a diaspora in which Armenians fled and settled around-the-world. Famous folks with Armenian heritage include …
– Canadian film director Atom Egoyan.
– Canadian children’s entertainer Raffi (Cavoukian).
– Pop singer Gwen Stefani.
– Tennis player Andre Agassi.
– Oldies singer Cher (Sarkissian).
– Rock band System of a Down, including lead singer Serj Tankian.
It’s easy to spot an Armenian … almost all names end in ‘i-a-n’. Check out the ‘Armenian Hall of Fame’ here …

• “Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day”, an annual observance encouraging us to lighten up at the office and actually enjoy work, not just endure it. How to have fun? A few suggestions …
– Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “I just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
– Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice.
– Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
– Finish all your sentences with ‘in accordance with the prophecy’.
– In a colleague’s daily planner, write in the 11 am slot: ‘See how I look in tights’.

• “Do Unto Others Day”, in recognition of “Golden Rule Week”. (… “before they do unto you.” Isn’t that how it goes?)

1953 [55] First edition of “TV Guide” is published (on the cover: Lucille Ball’s new baby, Desi Arnaz Jr)

1973 [35] Motorola engineer Martin Cooper (inventor of the portable cellphone) places the 1st-ever cellular phone call to his biggest rival, the head of research at Bell Laboratories (products Cooper introduces while with Motorola eventually reach cumulative sales over $80 billion)

1981 [27] One-legged Arnie Boldt of Saskatoon high-jumps 6′-8 1/4” (now in Canadian Sports Hall of Fame)

1984 [24] Opening of Lulu’s Roadhouse with ‘World’s Longest Bar’ at 340 feet (Kitchener ON)

1985 [23] Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours in London UK

2007 [01] An official new world record for conventional-train speed of 574.8 km/h (357.2 mph) is set by a French TGV train east of Paris

[Fri] “Ghost Whisperer”/”Numb3rs” (CBS) new post-strike episodes
[Fri] Tell-A-Lie Day
[Fri] Walk to Work Day
[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend begins
[Fri] Toronto Blue Jays home opener
[Sat] 2008 NCAA Men’s Final Four Championship Semis (San Antonio TX)
[Sat] Equal Pay Day
[Sat] Road Map Day
[Sun] Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Sun] Juno Awards (Calgary)
[Sun] “The Tudors” triple-episode premiere (Bold)
This Week Is … Library Week
This Month Is … Anxiety Month


Two of the following are olfactory facts, the other stinks of BS. But which?
• The average person can detect 1 drop of perfume diffused throughout a 3-room apartment. [TRUE]
• Odor technicians in the perfume industry have the olfactory skill to distinguish about 20
different smells. [BS. A good odor sniffer can detect about 20,000 different smells.]
• The human nose detects only 7 primary odors. [TRUE. The 7 main odors of the olfactory spectrum are camphor, musk, floral, peppermint, ethereal, pungent, and putrid.]

What products do you still use that your mother (father) did when you were growing up?

THIS WEEK is “Week of the Young Child”, so here’s some BS …
• “When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.”
• “I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?”
• “If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how quiet it would be until the looting started.”
• “As you make your way through life, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.”
• “Think of the biggest number you can. Now add 5. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies!”
• “I once heard the voice of God. It said ‘Vrrrrmmmmm’. Unless that was just a lawnmower.”

I say if it ain’t broke, keep fixing it until it is!

Today’s Question: Over your lifetime, THIS will likely happen to you more often if you are a guy.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The hiccups.

A person will believe anything that doesn’t cost anything.

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