Friday, April 27, 2007 Edition: #3519
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

TODAY in a pre-taped interview scheduled to air on “The View” (ABC/CTV), temper-tantrum actor Alec Baldwin says he wants to leave the cast of “30 Rock” so that his recent actions don’t reflect negatively on the struggling series, but NBC-TV has already issued a statement saying they ‘look forward to having him continue his role in the show’ (translation: you aren’t going anywhere, pal) . . . TODAY through Sunday the “Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival” in Indio CA features Arctic Monkeys, Bjork, Crowded House, Rage Against the Machine, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rufus Wainwright, and Willie Nelson (they should re-name it the ‘All Over the Map Festival’) . . . SATURDAY the ashes of James Doohan (‘Scotty’ on the original “Star Trek”), US astronaut Gordon Cooper, and some 200 others are scheduled to blast off into space (Texas-based Celestis is charging $495 to have a few grams of ash placed on the rocket) . . . SUNDAY Microsoft plans to introduce an ‘elite’ model of its Xbox360 game system that includes a 120-GB hard-drive – 6 times larger than the regular version – and additional hi-def capability, thereby making it more suitable for movie downloading (there goes another $479.99) . . . Actress Drew Barrymore is on the cover of “People” magazine’s annual ‘100 Most Beautiful People’ issue (apparently the old ‘50 Most Beautiful’ format didn’t leave enough room for ads), leading the line-up of lookers inside that includes Alica Keys, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Carrie Underwood, Eva Longoria, George Clooney, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew McConaughey, Scarlett Johansson, and – huh? – Oprah Winfrey (apparently you can be beautiful on the inside, too) . . . Hugh Grant has been arrested, questioned & released on bail by London police after a paparazzo accused the actor of attacking him with – a tub of baked beans (“Alright Mr Grant, set down the tub and step AWAY from the beans …”) . . . An Indian court has issued a warrant for actor Richard Gere’s arrest for committing an ‘obscene act’ after that recent episode when he kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty at a public event (he’s facing up to 3 months for ‘assault with a wet instrument’) . . . And the ABC-TV crew making a reality documentary about Victoria Beckham is reportedly complaining that she’s picky, demanding, full of herself, mean to her assistants, and generally ‘not very nice’ (wow, she IS perfect for Hollywood!).

• Carrie Underwood – TOMORROW she performs on a “Saturday Night Live” rerun hosted by Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning.
• Eve – The “Gangsta Lovin’” rapper has been arrested on suspicion of DUI after crashing her gold Maserati into the median of Hollywood Blvd in the wee hours. Oddly, movie star Sean Penn visited her at the cop shop shortly after she was booked.
• George – TODAY the Oz rockers from Brisbane appear on “MuchOnDemand” (MuchMusic).
• Good Charlotte – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Jet – TONIGHT they visit “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Kings Of Leon – TONIGHT they perform “On Call“ on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Sara Evans – SATURDAY she headlines a concert following the “Country Music Marathon & Half-Marathon” in Nashville TN. More than 25,000 runners are expected, and 100,000 spectators along the course.
• Snoop Dogg – SUNDAY he may be hosting the annual “MTV Australia Video Music Awards” via satellite after being blocked from entering Oz due to flunking the required ‘character test’.

• “The Condemned” ( R-Rated Action ): Pro wrestler-turned-actor ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin plays a death row inmate who’s offered an unusual opportunity – the chance for a full pardon by winning a huge battle royale among other convicted killers while the entire event is being captured for a reality TV show. Not surprisingly, a production of WWE Films. Shot in Vancouver BC and Queensland, Australia.
• “The Invisible” ( PG-13 Mystery Thriller ): Nanaimo BC-born actor Justin Chatwin stars as an average, ordinary teen who is brutally attacked by a mysterious assailant and left for dead. With his soul caught between the afterlife and the living world, he must solve the mystery of what happened before he becomes fully deceased. Filmed in Vancouver & Burnaby BC.
• “Kickin’ It Old Skool” ( PG-13 Comedy ): Jamie Kennedy plays a man-child who emerges from a coma 20 years after a tragic breakdancing accident as a 12-year-old. When his parents’ yogurt store faces a financial crisis, he attempts to revive his dancing career to save the day. Cameo appearances by David Hasselhoff & Emmanuel Lewis. Shot in Vancouver & Delta BC.
• “Next” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Thriller ): Nicolas Cage plays a Las Vegas showroom magician who really can see into the future, an ability that makes him a target of the FBI who want him to help stop America’s enemies before they strike. Based on a short story by Philip K Dick (“Blade Runner”) NOT the best-selling novel of the same name by Michael Crichton.

Thousands of Japanese have been ‘fleeced’ into buying neatly coiffured lambs that they thought were … poodles. Entire flocks of lambs were shipped over from the UK and Australia to Japan by an Internet company and marketed as the latest ‘must have’ accessory. The scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress noticed her ‘poodle’ didn’t bark and refused to eat dog food. That revelation has prompted hundreds to contact the authorities who now believe as many as 2,000 people have been conned. (And have you noticed your cat has a white stripe?)
– “Metro”

Online gambling site is now taking wagers based on the odds of various climate change-related catastrophes. Among the disasters of death & destruction you might make money on …
• Manhattan will be completely submerged under water by the end of 2011 (100-to-1).
• Polar bears will be extinct by 2010 (100-to-1).
• Oceans will rise an average of 6 inches worldwide before the end of this year (150-to-1).
• A vehicle will be developed that runs solely on water by 2008 (150-to-1).
• Antarctica will be able to sustain crops and become livable for humans by 2015 (500-to-1).

Cellphone insurance provider Asurion Corp estimates about 30% of cellphone users lose or damage their equipment each year. Among the ways phones are regularly damaged are accidental fumblings in which they end up dropped into paint cans, beer mugs and … toilets. (Too bad more of the damn things aren’t ripped from users hands and thrown as far away as possible … oops, did we say that out loud?)
– “Social Studies”

SATURDAY 57-year-old pilot Miles Barber is scheduled to land in Australia after a 56-day flight from Britain. No big deal you might think until you find out that … Barber is totally blind. He & his sighted co-pilot Richard Hardy are raising money for the ‘Seeing is Believing’ charity that provides funding to patients awaiting eye operations. (A few airline pilots have also recently made the news for ‘flying blind’.)
– “Bangkok Post”

• A recent study in the journal “Consciousness & Cognition” finds that both classical and rock music improve memory and concentration. The scientists think it all depends on what your favorite music is. (However, cranking up Tool to the max might slightly affect your neighbor’s concentration.)
• Why do you often see aquariums in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms? Studies show that enjoyment of pet fish can relieve stress and actually lower blood pressure. (Until you find your 6,000-dollar dragon fish floating upside down in your tank.)


1932 [75] Casey Kasem (Kemal Amin Kasem), Detroit MI, syndicated radio personality (“American Top 40” originator)/voice-over artist (“Sesame Street”, “Scooby-Doo”)

1948 [59] Katie Pierson, Athens GA, classic rock singer (B-52’s-“Love Shack”)

1951 [56] Paul (‘Ace’) Frehley, Bronx NY, classic rock singer/guitarist (KISS-“Rock ‘n Roll All Nite”)

1984 [23] Patrick Stump, Glenview IL, rock singer/guitarist (Fall Out Boy-“This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”, “Dance, Dance”)

TV actor Paul Guilfoyle (“CSI”) is 58; “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno is 57; Golf pro John Daly is 41; TV actor Jorge Garcia (“Lost”) is 34; Movie actress Penelope Cruz (“Volver”) is 33; Movie actress Jessica Alba (“Fantastic Four”) is 26.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is 53; Movie actor Daniel Day-Lewis (“Gangs of New York”) is 50; Movie actress Michelle Pfeiffer (“I Am Sam”) is 49; Movie actress Uma Thurman (“Kill Bill”) is 37; Retired tennis pro Andre Agassi is 37.

• “Child Care Professionals Day”, to help us understand and appreciate their role in children’s development. Guess that’s why those security cameras hidden in lamps were invented.
• “Disc Jockey Day”, observed annually the last FRIDAY in APRIL. Okay, everyone talk deep!
• “Hairball Awareness Day”. Any cat owner who’s ever stepped on a fresh wet one is already well aware! Hairballs are a significant contributing factor to rabbit deaths because they groom themselves like cats but can’t expel the loose hair in the delightful way that cats do.
• “National Dream Hotline”, the 20th annual sponsored by the non-profit School of Metaphysics. All weekend you can have your dreams interpreted for free if you pay long distance charges.
PHONER: 417.345.8411 (Windyville MO)
• “New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival”, the 38th edition featuring 500-plus acts over THIS WEEKEND and next, including Brad Paisley, Branford Marsalis, Harry Connick Jr, John Legend, John Mayer, Ludacris, Norah Jones, Rod Stewart, Steely Dan, and Van Morrison. Uh, these are jazz artists?

• “Day of Remembrance for Persons Killed or Injured in the Workplace”, first declared by the Canadian Labour Congress in 1984. On average, 1 Canadian worker out of 13 is injured at work.
• “Great Poetry Reading Day”, a day to read great poetry as a means of better understanding the world. Take the lyrics to any hit song and look for the most outrageous attempts at rhyming.
• “Kiss Your Mate Day”, a day to share the pleasure of a kiss … when he or she least expects it. Studies show your kissing partner’s saliva can remain in your mouth for up to 3 days!
• “Puppetry Day”, an annual observance on the 4th SATURDAY of APRIL to promote the art of puppetry through awareness and education about the art … no strings attached!

• “Adult Public Skipping Day”, a day for adults to skip in public to feel like a child again.
• “Arbor Day”, honoring America’s trees. Many individual states observe “Arbor Day” on different dates according to their best tree-planting times.
• “Moment of Laughter Day”, a day set aside to experience the ‘power of laughter’.
• “Sense of Smell Day”, the 14th annual observance honoring the aromas, scents and stenches that make up our world. What’s the absolute best smell you can think of? Percolating coffee? Fresh-baked apple pie? Newly-laundered sheets using rain forest-scented fabric softener? Just-picked strawberries? Warm cinnamon buns? Frying bacon? Are you getting hungry?
• “Zipper Day” celebrating the 1913 date when Canadian Gideon Sundback patented the ‘Separable Fastener’, the 1st all-purpose zipper (Hoboken NJ).

1981 [26] Former Beatle drummer Ringo Starr weds movie actress Barbara Bach (“The Spy Who Loved Me”), which turns out to be one of the longer-lasting marriages in show biz

1996 [11] Actor Sean Penn weds actress Robin Wright in Santa Monica CA

2000 [07] “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

1789 [218] 1st ‘Road Map’ published

1880 [127] 1st ‘Electronic Hearing Aid’ (huh?)

1953 [54] Wrestler Freddie Blassie 1st coins the useful phrase ‘Pencil Neck Geek’

1965 [42] RC Duncan patents 1st ‘Pampers’ disposable diapers (now filling city dumps worldwide)

1967 [40] “Expo ’67” opens in Montréal QC (it was originally going to be held in Moscow, to help the Soviet Union celebrate the 50th anniversary of its revolution)

1981 [26] The ‘Computer Mouse’ is introduced as part of a $16,000 Xerox computer system (Douglas Englebart had patented his ‘X-Y Position Indicator for a Display System’ way back in 1970)

1972 [35] Mayor of Scarborough, England gulps 500 oysters in a record 48 minutes, 7 seconds

[Sat-Sun] NFL draft (NYC)
[Mon] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
[Mon] Honesty Day
[Mon] International Walk Day
[Tues] May Day
[Tues] Law Day
[Tues] New Homeowner’s Day
[Wed] Sibling Appreciation Day
This Week Is … Lingerie Week
This Month Is … Anxiety Month


MONDAY is the Canada Revenue Agency’s 2006 income tax filing deadline, so here are some timely …
• Starts conversation with, “Just how attached are you to living indoors?”
• Keeps referring to you as ‘the defendant’.
• You can’t hear what she’s trying to tell you over the whir of her paper shredder.
• Keeps asking you if you’re SURE you don’t have more children.
• You notice a cameraman from “W5” lurking in the lobby at work.
• Includes a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card with his invoice.

• “And over there is the pole we dance around …”
• “Who would have guessed Elton John had a daughter?”
• “You’re doing fine dear. Now bypass that artery around the left ventricle.”
• “Let me get this straight, Mr President. Today Jenna & Barbara are in charge?”
• “Hurry up, sweetie. Just cock the hammer and fire at the bad guy.”
• “And the final score is Cubs daughters 8, Cubs 0.”
• “I hate the coffee they serve on movie sets! Go get me some good stuff, you thoughtless little pig.”

• Which Canadian city proudly proclaims itself the ‘Railway Capital of Canada’?
a. Prince George BC.
b. St Thomas ON. [CORRECT]
c. Melfort SK.

• Which US city proudly proclaims itself ‘The Toilet Paper Capital of The World’?
a. Portland, Oregon.
b. Green Bay, Wisconsin. [CORRECT]
c. Anywhere Sheryl Crow isn’t.

• 50 years ago TODAY (1957) Mario Gianini died. What did he invent?
a. Maraschino Cherry. [CORRECT]
b. Pop Tarts.
c. Weed Whacker.

• According to the “World Almanac”, the correct term for a group of ducks is a ‘brace’; and for a group of quail it’s a ‘bevy’. So what do you call a bunch of elk?
a. A gang. [CORRECT]
b. A mob.
c. A swell.

• In which city did the term ‘wiener’ originate?
a. Vienna. [CORRECT. In Austrian, it’s known as ‘Wien’.]
b. Frankfurt.
c. Hamburg.

• What was the most recent movie you cried at?
• What topics are too personal to discuss with others?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.

Today’s Question: Women who have THIS also usually have a higher IQ.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A-cup.

The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The realist knows that if he hangs around long enough, he’s gonna have to wash the damn glass.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Monday’s Edition of “The Bull Sheet”!


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