Wednesday, April 25, 2007 Edition: #3517
Guaranteed 100% ‘Grade A’ Bull!

TONIGHT as part of its ‘Idol Gives Back’ charity drive, the “American Idol” special 2-hour results show co-hosted by Ellen DeGeneres from Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles will feature appearances by Annie Lennox, Bono, Celine Dion (performing a duet with a virtual Elvis), Daniel Radcliffe (“Harry Potter”), Oscar-winner Forest Whitaker, Gwen Stefani, Helena Bonham Carter, Hugh Grant, Il Divo, Josh Groban, Keira Knightley, original “American Idol” Kelly Clarkson, Michael Bublé, Pink, Sacha Baron Cohen (as ‘Borat’), Rascal Flatts, Rowan Atkinson (as ‘Mr Bean’), and “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher . . . TONIGHT Al Gore opens the 6th annual “Tribeca Film Festival” in NYC as host of the climate change-themed ‘SOS Short Films Program’, featuring 7 shorts plus musical performances by acts appearing at the “Live Earth” worldwide concert JULY 7th . . . TONIGHT Chris Tomlin leads nominations with 9 as the 38th annual “GMA Dove Awards” are handed out to the year’s top gospel acts in Nashville TN, featuring performances by TobyMac, Kirk Franklin, Mandisa, Take 6, The Crabb Family, and MercyMe . . . Actress Jessica Alba has been signed as the newest face of cosmetic giant Revlon in a nifty little deal that will pay her – whoa! – $5 million! . . . Actress Kim Basinger has hired round-the-clock protection to keep ex-husband Alec Baldwin away from their 11-year-old daughter Ireland (the ‘rude, thoughtless little pig’ who for some reason doesn’t seem to wanna see her dad) . . . Latest celeb to hit rehab – 29-year-old actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers, star of Showtime’s “The Tudors” and the movies “Match Point” & “Bend It Like Backham” (unlike him, his career has apparently hit a bit of a dry spell) . . . And “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis, now serving 35 days in Panama City FL jail after pleading guilty to contempt of court, is said to be going a tad ‘wild’ himself, suffering frequent anxiety attacks thanks to constant taunting from a cop-killer jailmate (he still faces charges from state officials that could lead to more hard time).

• Akon – TONIGHT he’s the guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Blue October – TONIGHT the Clear Lake TX rockers (“Hate Me”) do “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Carrie Underwood – She keeps denying they have a relationship but she showed up to help Cowboys QB Tony Romo celebrate his 27th birthday in Dallas TX along with the entire NFL team. Observers say they appeared to be more than just friends.
• Lindsey Buckingham – TODAY the classic rocker (Fleetwood Mac) guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Mandy Moore – To prove she’s no eco-slouch she owns a converted Mercedes that runs on soybean oil.
• Mario – TONIGHT the ”Let Me Love You” singer does “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• The Nightwatchman – TONIGHT the solo side project of guitarist Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine, Audioslave) guests on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Sheryl Crow – One of the things she’s advocating during her college tour on behalf of environmental awareness is the conservation of toilet paper. Her tough guideline: ‘One square per visit’.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Ethical Will’ – Words of wisdom passed along to heirs in written form. (“If you’re reading this it means I’m dead and I’d like to pass on this advice … don’t eat the funny smelling clams!”)
• ‘Momic’ – A comedienne who is a mom and whose act consists primarily of jokes about motherhood. (“You know you’re a mom when your kid throws-up … and you catch it.”)
• ‘Stained-Glass Ceiling’ – A barrier to the advancement of women within the hierarchy of a church. (The reason there hasn’t been a female pope since 850?)

If a woman suddenly starts working longer hours, it could be a telltale sign that her marriage is on the rocks, according to a new study. Men whose marriages are breaking up respond differently. If anything, they tend cut down slightly on their work hours. But women whose marriages are collapsing clock an average of 283 more working hours a year than those who are in stable, happy relationships. That works out to 6 extra hours per work-week. (Spent at the ‘No-Tell Motel’.)
– “Times of London”

Matthew Dow, owner-operator of Dow’s Wood Products in Albion, Maine has found an unusual sideline – building pet caskets. He came up with the idea a couple of years back and now his custom-built coffins and urns are marketed through animal shelters, pet stores and veterinary clinics. The pine caskets lined in satin come in 4 sizes ranging from $95 to $395. Who buys? Dow says it’s for people who just don’t want to ‘throw their cat in a hole’.
PHONER: 207.437.4683
– AP

Singapore’s Society for Men’s Health and a pharmaceutical company are proposing a 4-point scale for male dysfunction, allowing men to rate their own firmness. Level 1 would resemble a healthy ‘cucumber’; level 2 mimics an ‘unpeeled banana’; level 3 a ‘peeled banana’; and a wobbly level 4 is rated ‘tofu’. The scale is not meant to involve any scientific measurement. Patients would merely be asked to assess their own level of ability to firm up. Perhaps not surprisingly, the scale has yet to be accepted by any medical authorities. (New pickup line: “Have you heard tofu is supposed to be good for you?”)
– Reuters

Noting that a lot of the same style flourishes occur in many comic strips, cartoonist Mort Walker (“Beetle Bailey”/”Hi & Lois”) invented a dictionary for the trade in his 1980 book, “The Lexicon of Comicana”. Among the terms in his invented language ‘Symbolia’ …
• ‘Briffit’ – The cloud of dust that appears when a comic character is running quickly.
• ‘Grawlix’ – The typographical symbols that stand for profanities, such as ‘%!&* %’, etc.
• ‘Indotherms’ – Wavy lines that show that something is really hot.
• ‘Plewds’ – Sweat droplets that appear around a character’s head when sweating, working hard, or stressed.
• ‘Squeans’ – Starbursts and little circles around a cartoon’s head to indicate intoxication or dizziness.
• ‘Waftavoms’ – Lines that show that something smells.
– “New York Times”

Money really can’t buy happiness according to a new survey that shows well-paid white-collar workers are more likely to suffer depression. The poll of over 7,500 professionals finds that 10% report moderate-to-severe depressive symptoms, compared to only 6% of the general population, including all other modes of work, the unemployed and the homeless. The most likely professions to be depressed: Lawyers (16%), followed by accountants and insurance reps (10%). People in IT services, architecture and engineering also have depression rates above average. (Some of these professions are also the least respected … coincidence?)

Kryptonite is no longer just the stuff of fiction feared by caped superheroes. A new mineral matching its unique chemistry as described in the film “Superman Returns” has been identified in a mine in Serbia. According to the story, kryptonite is supposed to sap ‘Superman’s powers whenever he is exposed to its large green crystals. The real mineral is white and harmless, although it will react to ultraviolet light by fluorescing a pinkish-orange. The name is derived from the Greek ‘kryptos’, meaning hidden. (BTW the one on the periodic table of elements that you avoided learning in high school chemistry is ‘Krypton’, a colorless, odorless gas.)
– BBC News

Restaurants and bars with odd themes are all the rage in Taipei, Taiwan. The latest is hospital-themed ‘DS Music Restaurant’ where patrons lounging on beds order ‘medicine’ that drips into their glasses from a ceiling-suspended vat. The servers are dressed as nurses in starched white uniforms. A sign marked ‘Emergency Room’ leads to the lavatories. Across town, ‘The Jail’ restaurant features tables behind bars; while another theme restaurant serves full-course meals … in toilet bowls. (“What’s this crap you’re feeding me?”)
– “China Post”

You only smell about 1/20th as much as a dog. (Especially a wet one.)

“He came home from pre-school and said, ‘Mommy, you are not going to believe it; there is a movie about dinosaurs. It’s called Jurassic Park’.”
– Actress Laura Dern bragging about her 5-year-old son Ellery. Wait till he finds out mom used to be a big-time movie star and is actually in it!


1940 [67] Al Pacino, South Bronx NY, 5′-6” movie actor (“Two for the Money”, 1992 Oscar-“Scent of a Woman”) NEXT UP: Has a role in “Ocean’s Thirteen“, opening JUNE 8th.

1945 [62] Bjorn Ulvaeus, Gothenburg, Sweden, really rich retired pop singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”) FACTOID: The stage musical based on ABBA’s music, “Mamma Mia!”, has been such a hit in several productions it’s being made into a movie starring Meryl Streep & Pierce Brosnan, scheduled to open in JULY 2008.

1964 [43] Hank Azaria, Queens NY, TV voice actor (‘Moe Szyslak’/’Chief Wiggum’/’Apu’/’Comic Book Guy’/’Cletus’/’Professor Frink’ and others on “The Simpsons” since 1989) COMING UP: “The Simpsons Movie “, opening JULY 27th.

1969 [38] Renée Zellweger, Katy TX, movie actress (“Cinderella Man”, 2003 Oscar-“Cold Mountain”)/ex-Mrs Kenny Chesney (May-December 2005) UP NEXT: Plays a social worker in the thriller, “Case 39”, coming in 2008.

1970 [37] Jason Lee, Orange CA, TV actor (‘Earl Hickey’ on “My Name Is Earl” since 2005)/movie actor (“Almost Famous”)

• “Administrative Professionals Day” (formerly “Secretaries’ Day”), originally created in 1952 by ad agency exec Harry F Klemfuss to encourage more women to become secretaries. The name change recognizes that the role has also changed and broadened significantly. The official theme for the 2007 observance is ‘Shaping the Future’.

• “Anzac Day”, a public holiday in Australia & New Zealand commemorating the 1915 landing at Gallipoli, Turkey of the Australian & New Zealand Army Corps, during World War I. Their incredible courage and bravery in the face of overwhelming odds may be one reason TODAY is also designated “Hug an Australian Day”. You can figure out an appropriate toast using this dictionary of Australian slang …

• “Good Telephone Day”, promoting phone etiquette, including answering by the 3rd ring, keeping holds to a minimum, thanking callers, and not hanging up without warning. Ask listeners for businesses that give ‘good phone’ or, for that matter, that actually have a human answering the phone. If your station doesn’t … shame on you!

• “International Red Hat Day”, an annual celebration of the ‘Red Hat Society’, a diverse social ‘dis-organization’ whose mission is to gain higher visibility for women over 50 and reshape the way they are viewed using good humor and laughter. The Society takes its name from the opening lines of the poem “Warning” by Jenny Joseph: “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple, With a red hat that doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me.” There are now millions of mature women who do just that at various events worldwide. ‘RHS’ now has more than 1.5 million registered members in 40,000 chapters in all 50 US states.

• “Martin Waldseemuller Remembrance Day”, commemorating the man who gave the Americas their name 500 years ago TODAY (1507). The German mapmaker named the New World after minor explorer Amerigo Vespucci, whom he mistakenly thought had discovered it. There were many others more deserving that he could have selected, including Columbus, Cabot, Cartier, Champlain, Hudson, or even Leif Eriksson. There were many others more deserving that he could have selected including Columbus, Cortez, Coronado, DeSoto, Champlain, or even Leif Eriksson.

• “World Penguin Day”, an annual excuse to salute one of the few natives of Antarctica by wearing penguin colors – black and white. Penguins sure have become popular in movies: since 2005 we’ve had “March of the Penguins”, it’s spoof cousin “Farce of the Penguins”, and “Happy Feet”.

1997 [10] U2’s “PopMart” tour kicks off in Las Vegas, featuring the world’s largest video screen; a 35-ft mirrored lemon; a 100-ft golden arch; and a giant stuffed olive on a 100-ft toothpick

2002 [05] TLC’s Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes is killed in a car-crash in La Cieba, Honduras at age 30

1950 [57] 1st Dunkin Donuts shop opens

1953 [54] Discovery of ‘DNA’ is announced (important to the future cloning of your Golden Retriever)

1959 [48] St Lawrence Seaway 1st opens to shipping traffic

1955 [52] Philip Yazdzik eats record 72 hamburgers at one sitting in Chicago (then sets another record for Rolaids)

1972 [35] A cat named ‘Paula’ falls 26 stories in Toronto – and lives!

[Thurs] Richter Scale Day
[Thurs] Pretzel Day
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
[Fri] Bird Day
[Fri-Sun] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival (Indio CA)
[Fri-May 6] 38th New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival
[Fri] Child Care Professionals Day
[Fri] Hairball Awareness Day
[Fri] Sense of Smell Day
[Fri] “The Condemned”; “The Invisible”; “Kickin It Old Skool”; “Next” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Canada-US Goodwill Week
This Month Is … Multicultural Communication Month


• I need = I want.
• We need = I want.
• Sure … go ahead = I don’t want you to.
• I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, idiot!
• I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper …
• Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
• I need new shoes = The other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• I was wrong = Not as wrong as you.

What vacation destination that many people think is fabulous do you personally have no desire to ever visit (or revisit)?

A guy looks over the fence and sees the neighbor kid filling a hole with a shovel. “What’s up, Zack?” he asks. “My goldfish died,” the kid says, “and I just buried him.” The neighbor says, “Pretty big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” The kid pats down the dirt and says, “That’s because I couldn’t get him out of your cat.”

Today’s Question: People in Ontario do THIS twice as often as people in BC.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wash their cars.

Today’s Question: On average, Americans do this 5 times a month.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Barbecue on the grill.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

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