Wednesday, April 18, 2007        Edition: #3512
Thanks For Being On Our Sheet List!

YESTERDAY in NYC a memorial service for late Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Ertegun attracted some big names from the biz: Bette Midler emceed; Mick Jagger eulogized; and Eric Clapton, Phil Collins, Stevie Nicks & Kid Rock performed (Ertegun died in DECEMBER at age 83) . . . A musical adaptation of “Spider-Man” is coming to Broadway this JULY, with U2’s Bono and The Edge supervising the songbook (“Stuck in a Web You Can’t Get Out Of”?) . . . Why are Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony suing “National Enquirer” in Dublin, London & Paris courts over the tabloid’s report of their alleged involvement in a drug scandal? They’re hoping celeb-friendly libel laws in Europe will result in harsher punishment than they might find stateside . . . With the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death coming up in AUGUST, Elvis Presley Enterprises is launching a massive new “Discover Your Inner Elvis” ad campaign in an attempt to hype Graceland as a tourist destination (apparently Lisa-Marie is running short of spending money) . . . A forensic audit of the 2005 Matthew McConaughey-Penelope Cruz movie “Sahara” is finding more & more reasons why it lost $105 million even though it was a box office hit: $2 million was spent on a brief film clip of a vintage plane crash that didn’t even make the final cut; over $105,000 was blown on bottled water; and over $237,000 went to ‘on-set bribes’ (it may be the all-time biggest budget buster!) . . . Movie actor Richard Gere has caused protests & been burned in effigy in Delhi, India thanks to the kiss he planted on Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty during an AIDS awareness rally, something that’s taboo to do in public (you’d think a guy who spends so much time in that part of the world would know better) . . . Paramount Pictures has agreed to pay $75,000 compensation for a 2006 “Mission: Impossible III” marketing stunt gone wrong: devices fitted to newspaper vending machines in LA that played the theme song when opened caused bomb scares, even a hospital evacuation (proof again that ‘guerilla marketing’ can be REALLY expensive) . . . And Tom Hanks is set to become the highest-paid actor in Hollywood history when he reprises his role as ‘Robert Langdon’ in “Angels & Demons”, based on an earlier novel by “Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown – Tom’s terrific take will reportedly range somewhere between $29 million-and-$49 million, depending on box office.

• Avril Lavigne – TODAY she flogs her new album “The Best Damn Thing” on “MTV Live” (MTV Canada)
• Beyonce – Rumors have begun circulating that she’ll ditch Sony’s Columbia label and move to boyfriend Jay-Z’s Def Jam so he can further oversee her career. Even if true, she still has 2 more album commitments to fulfill first.
• Fall Out Boy – TONIGHT they kick off the “2007 Honda Civic Tour” in Charlotte NC. Plus-44 is the opening act.
• Gary Allan – TODAY the California country star sings “A Feelin’ Like That” on “Good Morning America” (ABC).
• Kaiser Chiefs – TODAY the Brit rockers (“Ruby”) do “MuchOnDemand” (MuchMusic)    
• Killswitch Engage – TONIGHT the Massachusetts metalcore band performs “The Arms Of Sorrow” on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Lily Allen – THIS AFTERNOON the Brit pop singer (“Smile”) guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV). She’s just canceled most of her MAY-JUNE North American tour because she’s ‘tired’ and worried about sub-par performances.
• Madonna – Hubby Guy Ritchie had been expected to join her on her current tour of Malawi but is said to have decided to remain home after arguments about adopting another African child.
• Rock Star Supernova – Lead singer Lukas Rossi says the group will soon change its name again. It was saddled with the awkward moniker after a lawsuit by a group called Supernova.
• Son Volt – TONIGHT they showcase music from their new album “The Search” on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Hater Tots’ – The figurative snack you are consuming when you’re dissing someone. (“Man, you are so full of hater tots. Why are you always slagging [co-host]?”)
• ‘Litter on a Stick’ – Any form of roadside advertising, notably signs and billboards. (“I’m looking for that store’s address but I can’t see through all the litter on a stick.”)
• ‘Localtarianism’ – A new movement to not only eat organic food but locally grown food whenever possible. It’s fresher because it spends less time between farm and table and is therefore more nutritious. You also end up supporting your local economy.
• ‘NINJA Loan’ – Stands for ‘No Income, Job or Assets’. It’s the lending industry’s latest offering for those who have trouble borrowing. But look out for the exorbitant interest rate … about a pound of flesh a week.

Cambridge University archeology professor Martin Jones claims that eating in front of the TV is a natural development of human evolution. How so? Our ancient ancestors dined around a campfire to share food and stories, he notes, and TV is simply ‘today’s campfire’. Martin says it’s natural for humans to eat while also consuming information and entertainment. (There’s a bit of a difference here, prof … cave people didn’t do it 7-hours-a-day!)
– “The Telegraph”

• In Bosnia, a 45-year-old  Gradiska man has written a reprimand to friends after he faked his own funeral … and no one but his elderly mother showed up. In a stern letter to 45 pals, Amir Vehabovic complains that it cost a lot of money to obtain a fake death certificate and bribe undertakers to deliver an empty coffin. “I really thought a lot more of you, my so-called friends, would turn up to pay their last respects,” he complains. “It just goes to show who you can really count on.”
• In India, a 20-year-old Anand woman who failed to wed her lover during his lifetime has now tied the knot … with his corpse. Tulsi Devipujak got married to the body of 25-year-old Sanjay Dantania after he drowned in a well. The bride’s family dressed the stiff like a groom and conducted the marriage rituals on a decorated stage. On the upside … no marital spats!
• In Chicago IL, a love-struck man from Wales popped the question to an American woman he befriended online … 4 minutes after meeting her for the first time. The couple connected while playing poker online, and hadn’t even made it out of the Chicago airport when he popped the question. The wedding was just 4 days later. He’s got a full house now!
• In Japan, the Toto corporation has apologized to consumers and offered reimbursement and repairs after some 2 dozen of its hi-tech ‘Wash Let’ toilets sent up smoke and 3 of them actually caught on fire. The state-of-the-art fixtures have blow-drying, air purification and seat-warming functions. Fortunately, no users were injured as a result of the glitches. But just in case, they’ve issued the warning: Watch your ass!

Russia has found a solution that will help power its remotest regions, but at what cost to the environment? The construction of a $200-million vessel, set to become the first floating nuclear power plant, has begun. Environmental groups oppose the project, citing previous catastrophic naval and nuclear disasters, the worst being Chernobyl in 1986. They also warn that the ship will be far more difficult to protect than an onshore site. (Gee, what could possibly go wring?)
– “GQ”

Experts say there are several reasons males visit doctors far less often than females. Among them …
• Too much waiting around, considered a waste of time.
• Office decor and the bias of information on display aimed towards women.
• Embarrassment discussing intimate matters.
• No point unless there is something wrong.
• ‘Suck it up’ is the philosophy passed on from fathers to sons.
• Physical defects are signs of weakness that say something about masculinity.
• Fear of being judged.

To avoid giving a ‘wet-fish handshake’ when you’re nervous, wash your hands and keep your palms open until you shake hands with employers or clients. Don’t close your fist – that generates heat and sweat. The most intimidating ‘power handshake’ is palm down. When you present your hand this way it automatically makes the person shaking your hand subservient and bowing to your control. (For maximum effect, use a ‘palm buzzer’.)

According to a new poll of some 3,000 film fans, here are the best movie moments ever shot in the john …
5. Jeff Daniels’ dynamic dump in a broken toilet in “Dumb & Dumber” (1994).
4. Cameron Diaz’s ‘hair gel’ incident in “There’s Something About Mary” (1998).
3. Jack Nicholson’s ‘Here’s Johnny!’ bathroom door-axing scene in “The Shining” (1980).
2. Julia Roberts singing a Prince song while in a big bubble bath in “Pretty Woman” (1990).
1. Janet Leigh’s shower stabbing in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “Psycho” (1960).

Comedian Dave Chappelle has broken the record at LA’s Laugh Factory (and we’re guessing likely the world record) for ‘Longest Stand-Up Comedy Routine’ by performing for 6 hours, 7 minutes … nonstop. (Wow, that’s a longer effort than he put into his TV show.)

8 million lbs (3.6 million kg) of sugar are used each year to make Hostess Twinkies.

“It’s not gonna happen. Trust me. Eventually America gets it right. We’re not worried. We love Sanjaya, but he’s not going to win.”
– “American Idol” exec producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz in THIS WEEK’s “Entertainment Weekly”.


1947 [60] James Woods, Vernal UT, TV actor (‘Sebastian Stark’ on “Shark” since 2006)/movie actor (Oscar nominations-“The Ghosts of Mississippi”, “Salvador”)

1953 [54] Rick Moranis, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Ghostbusters”, “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”)/former TV comic (‘McKenzie Brothers’ on “SCTV”)

1963 [44] Eric McCormack, Toronto ON [grew up Calgary AB], TV sitcom actor (‘Will Truman’ on “Will & Grace” 1998-2006)

1956 [51] Eric Roberts, Biloxi MS, movie actor/Julia Roberts’ bitter big brother who’s made over 100 films but gets none of the acclaim she does

1963 [44] Conan O’Brien, Brookline MA, TV host (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien” since 1993)/future “Tonight Show” host (2009)/cousin of actor Denis Leary.

1967 [40] Maria Bello, Norristown PA, movie actress (“Flicka”, “World Trade Center”)

1984 [23] America Ferrera, LA CA, TV actress (‘Betty Suarez’ on “Ugly Betty” since 2006)

• “CPAs Goof-Off Day”, a day for accountants to chill out after the pressures of making the “IRS Tax Day” deadline.

• “International Jugglers Day”. You and a partner can do some radio juggling, or at least create the SFX, simply by quickly patting your chest or knees … whichever’s flattest.

• “Look-Alike Day”, a day for people who are constantly mistaken for rich and famous celebrities to have some recognition of their own. So who do people say YOU look like?

• “Pet Owners Independence Day”, a day when dog and cat owners are encouraged to take the day off and have their pets work in their place, since most pets are unemployed and sleep all day. Who takes care of the family pet? Research shows men are in charge when it comes to a daily walk but when it’s time for feeding and grooming … that’s female territory!

• “Teach Children To Save Day”, another way of planning for your retirement besides contributing to that constantly quivering mutual fund.

• “Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day”, as declared by pajama-maker PajamaGram. The idea is to give yourself a comfort break. (And perhaps create the opportunity to look for a new job.)

• “World Lab Animal Week”. Here’s good news: A comparison of almost 3,000 research papers published over the past 30 years in major biomedical journals has found a 30% decline in the number of studies using animals. It seems more and more researchers are turning to alternative testing methods.

2000 [07] During the Anaheim Angels’ 16-10 win over the Toronto Blue Jays, a SkyDome promotion becomes a bit too ‘frank’ as fans get hit with bits of wieners when they fall apart after being shot from the on-field ‘Hot Dog Blaster’

1975 [32] John Lennon releases “Stand by Me”

1984 [23] Michael Jackson has scalp surgery in an LA hospital to repair damage after his hair catches fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial

1934 [73] 1st Laundromat opens, in Fort Worth TX – ‘The Washateria’ (be sure to say it with a Texas accent)

1955 [52] 1st use of the term ‘Third World’ (President Sukarno of Indonesia)

1955 [52] 1st ‘Walk/Don’t Walk’ lighted street signals appear, in NYC (later replaced with pictograms)

[Thurs] High Five Day
[Thurs] Garlic Day
[Fri] 420
[Fri] Astronomy Day
[Fri] “Rogue” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Sun] Earth Day
[Sun] “The Producers” closes (Broadway NYC)
This Week Is … Bike Safety Week
This Month Is … Sea Cadet Month


• “Child Born with ‘Care and Handling’ Label!”
• “Giant Roaches Invade Cleveland!”
• “Phantom Paddleboat Menaces Rec Center!”
• “New York Saves Lives with Ambulance-Dozers!”
• “World Renowned Psychic Answers Calls from Beyond His Grave!”

Q: What’s the hardest part of a man’s body?
A: Same as a woman … tooth enamel.
– “Freaky Facts About the Body”

Tell me what you need … and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Would you rather your spouse/significant other was smarter than you or more attractive than you?

Today’s Question: If you are THIS, you have a greater chance of being found guilty and receiving a lengthy sentence.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Ugly.

If at first you DO succeed … try not to look astonished.

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