Tuesday, April 10, 2007        Edition: #3506
Touch Your Screen – This BS Is Still Warm!

TODAY is ‘Birth Day’ in the Bahamas as the judge in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case has promised to finally reveal the DNA results proving who fathered her baby girl, Dannielynn (will it be  Howard K Stern, Larry Birkhead … or someone else?) . . . TODAY Aussie film director Baz Luhrmann begins work on his new romantic adventure, “Australia”, with Hugh Jackman & Nicole Kidman (who flew in via private jet from LA with hubby Keith Urban in time for Easter weekend with her family) . . . TONIGHT Ashton Kutcher’s practical joke show “Punk’d” (MTV) kicks off its 5th and final season, which will feature pranks on Hilary Swank, Nelly Furtado & Jewel, among others . . . Reports that “American Idol’s” weakest warbler Sanjaya Malakar is staying afloat thanks to a flood of incoming votes from call centers in India are highly unlikely as the show is broadcast a day later in that country and attracts relatively few viewers, making him a virtual unknown . . . Chinese officials have warned producers of “Happy Boys Voice”, the country’s new version of “American Idol”, that contestants are prohibited from displaying any ‘weirdness, vulgarity or low taste’ when the show kicks off in MAY (Sanjaya would be so toast!) . . . Hollywood couple Naomi Watts (“King Kong”) & Liev Schreiber (“CSI” briefly) are looking to wed in Sydney, Australia before the year ends, ideally before their first child is born in DECEMBER . . . Movie actors Josh Hartnett (“The Black Dahlia”) & Penelope Cruz (“Volver”) are having trouble keeping their relationship under wraps, especially now that they’ve been spotted on a romantic Caribbean vacation at the private island resort of Parrot Cay in the Turks & Caicos . . . Former “Dancing With the Stars” contestant Mario Lopez & pop singer Christina Milian (“Dip It Low”) will co-star in the upcoming CBS-TV sitcom pilot, “Eight Days a Week”, as a slick NYC exec & an art gallery assistant . . . And just-turned-53 actor Jackie Chan is launching a new Chinese TV show called “The Disciple”  to find his action-movie successor, and so far more than 100,000 fans have signed up to try out (we predict the winner will be … Sanjaya Malakar).

• Akon – He’s looking to ‘out-bling’ Lil’ Jon who recently made the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the ‘Biggest Diamond Pendant’ with a 12-lb, 73-carat monster inscribed ‘Crunk Aint Dead’. Akon, who owns a diamond mine in his native Senegal, says his topper will depict the entire continent of Africa, with diamonds that light up. How tasteful.
• Avril Lavigne – She & rocker husband Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) have gone upmarket, buying a 3-story, 12,000-sq-ft Tuscan-style gated home in LA’s Bel-Air neighborhood with 8 bedrooms and 10-and-a-half baths. There’s also a 10-car garage, elevator, steam shower, sauna, pool and spa. Bottom line … circa $9.5 million. Better hope that new album sells, Av’.
• Bon Jovi – McFarlane Toys is creating action figures in the likeness of Jon Bon  Jovi & Richie Sambora, complete with wardrobe  and ‘facial expressions specific to the stars’. A grimace?
• Cowboy Junkies – TONIGHT they kick off a tour in support of their new album “At the End of Paths Taken” (out APRIL 24th) in San Juan Capistrano CA.
• Coldplay – Chris Martin & wife Gwyneth Paltrow have purchased yet another north London mansion in an apparent bid to own their entire block. The $6-million property is their 4th acquisition on the street. That’s one way of picking your neighbors.
• Fallout Boy – Frontman Pete Wentz & pop star wannabe Ashlee Simpson keep claiming they’re just friends but they’ve been spotted swapping spit during a long night at LA nightclub Parc.
• Gretchen Wilson – Her 10-city “Back to the Bars” nightclub tour has raised more than $1.5 million for a variety of charitable organizations.
• Martina McBride – TODAY she’s a guest on “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Stevie Wonder – He’s just paid $29,250 to get back a ‘Best Album’ Grammy Award he won in 1974 for “Innervisions” after the stolen statue was listed for sale on eBay.
• Tim McGraw – TODAY he guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Usher – He’s set to become the latest celebrity with a signature scent after signing a deal with Liz Claiborne Cosmetics to launch his own fragrance in SEPTEMBER.

• “Bobby” ( Drama ): A ‘re-imagining’ of one of the most tragic nights in American history that follows the stories of 22 fictional characters in LA’s Ambassador Hotel on the fateful eve that presidential hopeful Robert F Kennedy was fatally shot. Writer/director Emilio Estevez leads an ensemble cast that includes Anthony Hopkins, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Lindsay Lohan, Elijah Wood, William H Macy, Helen Hunt, Christian Slater, Heather Graham, Laurence Fishburne, Martin Sheen, Harry Belafonte, and Joshua Jackson. The central role of Bobby Kennedy is portrayed almost entirely in actual footage of the late senator.
• Also released TODAY: “The Doris Day Collection Volume 2”; “The Mel Gibson Collection”; and the 1986 Sean Penn/Madonna turkey “Shanghai Surprise” (Special Edition).

Cops in Bangkok, Thailand have been distributing super sour candies in an attempt to … reduce traffic accidents. The idea is to keep drivers awake with the lip-puckering treats that have been officially blessed by Buddhist monks. Some 140,000 of the hard candies have been handed out. (As a safety measure, this really sucks … so to speak.)

Maybe you don’t need to take your meds. Experts say there are alternate ways to chill out …
• Religion – Studies suggest that those who use ‘religious coping’ actually have lower blood pressure. It seems Karl Marx was correct in saying ‘religion is the opiate of the masses’.
• Forgive Someone – A recent study finds that people who regularly forgive others also tend to have lower blood pressure. Isn’t it time to give up that grudge, if only for the health benefits?
• Sleep – About 60% of people who are stressed say they don’t get enough sleep, according to a National Consumers League survey.
• Vacation – It can be as simple and inexpensive as a quick weekend trip or a special event near home. All that’s needed is an extended period of time not thinking about the things (work, money, relationships) that are driving you crazy.
• Yoga – Even one yoga class can cut levels of the stress hormone cortisol, reason enough to get you ‘down-dogging’ with the best of them.
• Lighten Your Workload – Talk to your boss, delegate tasks, or start looking for a new job. If work is killing you, you’re not alone. Work is the top source of stress for adults aged 18-54, a problem for fully 45% of the demographic.
• Have a Cuppa – Whether it’s chamomile or chai, try a cup of tea as an excuse to relax and put your feet up. In warmer months you can chill a pot of freshly-brewed green tea.
• Make Love – A time-tested stress reliever, and it’s well worth taking the time to do it. (Of course, trying to find someone else to participate may stress you out to no end.)
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”

NEXT WEEK retired Queens NY couple Betty & Bob Matas are setting out to move the 2,400 miles to their new home in Sedona, Arizona … in a taxi cab. The native New Yorkers do not drive and were concerned their 2 cats might not make it on a plane. So taxi driver Douglas Guldeniz has agreed to drive 10 hours a day and charge a flat fee of $3,000 plus gas, meals and lodging. The standard, metered fare would come to about $5,000 … each way.
– “The Scotsman”

A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 94% of men say they have a favorite chair.
• 65% of men say they find too much makeup unattractive on women.
• 42% of adults say they hated math when they were kids.
• 40% of drivers flash their headlights to warn oncoming traffic about speed traps.
• 35% of cellphone users change their ringtone several times a week
• 21% of workers have called in sick because it was raining, snowing, too hot, too cold, or too dark outside. Women are more likely to stay home due to inclement weather than men.

Dr Rox Anderson, a professor of dermatology at Harvard Medical School has developed a new kind of tattoo ink, ‘Freedom-2′, that’s designed to be easily erasable by laser. Normally, tattoo removal requires 7-to-10 laser sessions and may still leave traces or scarring. Regular tattoo inks can also contain toxins and carcinogens which, when broken up by a laser, lodge in the lymph nodes. But the new ink is biodegradable and encased in polymer beads, allowing it to be more easily eradicated. (In case you no longer ‘Love Mom’.)
– “Boston Globe”

When a man hits key turning points in his life, his behavior can suddenly change … in both good and bad ways. Experts say these changes are among the real biggies …
• He starts his first ‘real’ job.
• His good friend gets married.
• He moves into his own place.
• He has his first big failure.
– “Cosmopolitan”

A growing number of movies are expected to be offered in in-your-face 3-D in the next few years, as thousands of theaters are outfitted with the special projectors and screens needed to show the films. DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg says he’d like to see 3,800 locations and 6,000 screens converted to the technology in time for the 2009 release of “Monsters vs Aliens”.  A number of high-profile filmmakers have 3-D projects in the works, including Peter Jackson, Robert Zemeckis & James Cameron. Disney’s new release “Meet the Robinsons” is currently showing in 3-D on over 580 screens. 3-D may be perceived as cutting edge but the basic methodology hasn’t changed much since the 1952 release of the first color stereoscopic feature, “Bwana Devil”, starring Robert Stack. To get the 3-D effect, you still have to put on a pair of those goofy looking eyeglasses. (Thereby ruining your first date.)
– AP

52-year-old Slovenian marathon swimmer Martin Strel has become the first to swim the entire length of South America’s Amazon River (6,259 km/3,889 miles). The amazing feat which took 66 days to complete can now be added to his list of other river-length swims … the Mississippi in the US and the Danube in Europe.
– “Times of London”

• The largest employer in the world is India’s railway system, employing over 1 million people.
• The very first enclosed shopping mall was Valley Faire in Appleton, Wisconsin.
• In 1974, there were 90 tornadoes in the US in a single day.
• Women who wink at men are known as ‘nictitating’ women.
• A ‘coward’ was originally a boy who took care of cows.


1936 [71] John Madden, Austin MN, TV football analyst (“NBC Sunday Night NFL Football” since 2006, “ABC Monday Night Football” 2002-05, ex-FOX, ex-CBS)/ex-NFL coach (Oakland Raiders 1969-79)

1951 [56] Steven Seagal, Lansing MI, has-been movie actor (“Under Siege”)/black belt in judo, kendo & aikido

1958 [49] Kenneth ‘Babyface’ Edmonds, Indianapolis IN, pop singer (w/Madonna-“Take a Bow”)/songwriter (“Waiting to Exhale”)/recording producer (Toni Braxton, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Eric Clapton, etc)

1984 [23] Mandy Moore, Nashua NH, pop singer (“Candy”)/movie actress (“A Walk to Remember”)
1988 [19] Haley Joel Osment, LA CA, movie actor (“The Sixth Sense”)

• “Bathroom Reading Week”, in appreciation of the ‘porcelain library’ in every home, office and airport. What do you think is the best material au john?

• “Canadian Wildlife Week”, first declared in 1947 by an act of Parliament to honor the birth date of Jack Miner (APRIL 10), one of the founders of Canada’s conservation movement and the namesake of the world famous waterfowl sanctuary in Kingsville ON which he established in 1904. He’s credited as a key player in saving Canada Geese from extinction. (So HE’S the reason we can’t walk in the park anymore!)

• “Encourage a Young Writer Day”. (Tell them Hallmark is always in the market for talent.)

• “Golfers Day”, honoring everyone who walks a mile chasing the little white ball, on the 91st anniversary of the first PGA championship in 1916. Why is it that golfers blame fate for most accidents but feel personally responsible when they make a hole-in-one?

• “Salvation Army Founders Day”. (Without them, [co-host] wouldn’t have a wardrobe.)

• “Siblings Day”, honoring brothers and sisters who are living, those who aren’t … and perhaps those who shouldn’t be.

1970 [37] Paul McCartney announces he’s leaving The Beatles

1841 [166] City of Halifax NS is incorporated

1937 [70] Founding of Trans-Canada Airlines (now Air Canada)

1849 [158] 1st ‘Safety Pin’ is patented (NYC’s Walter Hunt later sells patent for a paltry $400, perhaps because he didn’t invent the idea – it had been around for hundreds of years!)

1984 [23] 1st ‘Frozen-Embryo Child’ is born (a girl named ‘Zoe’ in Melbourne, Australia)

1993 [14] Pittsburgh Penguins win NHL-record 17th consecutive game

1996 [11] Detroit Red Wings become 2nd NHL team to ever win 60 regular-season games (joining 1976-77 Montréal Canadiens)

[Wed] Barbershop Quartet Day
[Thurs] Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day
[Thurs] Thank You School Librarian Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] Tartan Day
[Fri] Scrabble Day
[Fri] “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters”; “Disturbia”; “Pathfinder”; “Perfect Stranger” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Guitar Week
This Month Is … Multicultural Communication Month


• Why would a man want more than one wife? Isn’t one mother-in-law enough?
• Why do companies have weekly meetings? How long does it take for people to know each other?
• Why do they call it cheesecake and serve it like a pie?
• If you’ve been married 4 times, are you qualified or unqualified to give marriage advice?
• How old do you have to be before your toupée turns grey?

• What would the child you once were think of the adult you have become?
• After you die you are given the chance to be reborn as an animal. Which animal would you chose?

A guy comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in hot looking lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purrs, “and you can do  anything you want.” So he ties her up and goes golfing.

Today’s Question: A survey shows guys would overwhelming rather do THIS with a brunette.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Bring her home to meet mom.

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.

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