Monday, April 24, 2006        Edition: #3267
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

• Actress Denise Richards has asked for a restraining order against estranged hubby Charlie Sheen after filing court papers alleging that he abused her physically, threatened her life, and has a habit of viewing gay and possibly-underage material online. He also likely hates puppies. Gosh Charlie, there’s goes your solid rep!
• That incident a few weeks back was apparently not the first time little Sean Preston Federline, the poor son of Britney Spears & K-Fed, fell and hit his head. New reports say he’s also fallen out of mommy’s bed and hit the floor … twice. Time to suspend this parenting license!
– “National Enquirer”
• It seems despite their denials, the gruesome twosome of has-been actress/soon-to-be-ex-Mrs Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear, and cheesy comedian-turned-cheesy actor David Spade (“The Benchwarmers”) are still dating. Maybe because their sized for each other? He’s 5-7, she’s 5-5 … both in high-heels.
– “Us Weekly”
• 31-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio was taken to a South African hospital by air-ambulance from the Mozambique movie set of “Blood Diamond” after fears he’d suffered internal injuries during a fall while running. Fortunately, an MRI scan came up negative and Leo’s back at work with nothing more serious than a sore knee. You weren’t running with scissors were you, Cap?
– Reuters
• Donald Trump’s new baby, Barron, has his own private floor in Trump’s $100-million triplex penthouse on Fifth Avenue in NYC. Barron’s little nook in the Trump Tower comes complete with a nursery, kitchen, living room and living quarters for a nanny. But it’s still not enough to make up for the gawdawful name.
– “Contact Music”
• Kate Moss may not be out of the snowy woods yet. THIS WEEK her former personal assistant Rebecca White is due to give a deposition to London’s Metropolitan Police and she’s promising to reveal the true extent of the model’s cocaine abuse over the 8 years she knew her. White claims the cops have told her they still intend to lay charges. Sounds like this former employee still has a mad-on!
– “News of The World”
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly purchasing her own country to help impoverished Africans. She’s buying Richard Branson’s man-made version of Ethiopia, located in Dubai. The Brit tycoon is having 300 country-shaped luxury island developments built, to form a map of the world. The 30-year-old actress, who’s due to pop her Pitt in MAY, is said to be planning to turn her island into a ‘fair-trade paradise’ for hundreds of Africans. ‘Cuz that’s what you want when you’re fighting off AIDS and starvation … a value vacation.
– “The Bosh”

• Coldplay – They’ll be back in the studio to record their 4th album by the end of THIS YEAR. Bassist Guy Berryman modestly confirms they’re working on something special that will remind everyone why ‘Coldplay is one of the best bands in the world’.
• Daniel Powter – TONIGHT he performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Elton John – TODAY he guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Foo Fighters – Dave Grohl & wife Jordyn Blum have a new baby girl that they’ve named Violet Maye, after Dave’s grandmother. Wow, a celeb kid with a comparatively normal name!
• Madonna – She’ll start shows on her new tour by descending from the ceiling on a giant cross made of diamonds & Swarovski crystals that reportedly cost $10 million. And online rumors are swirling that she’ll officially announce her retirement at a final NYC concert after one last world tour on August 14th, 2008 … 2 days before her 50th birthday.
• Neil Young – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Prince – One of his dancers, Cecilia Maximilia, has been arrested at the airport in Rio de Janeiro on her way to Paris … with 20 kg of cocaine hidden in luggage beneath false bottoms.
• Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ – Despite intense publicity and a nightly prime-time slot, his “Celebrity Cooking Showdown” reality show failed to serve up ratings & NBC-TV axed it after just 4 shows.
• Snoop Dogg – He’s finishing up work on his first novel, “Love Don’t Live Here No More”, to be published in OCTOBER. He’s launching a series of ‘Street Lit’ books, which will chronicle a Californian man’s journey into the world of hip-hop.
• Train – TONIGHT they do NBC’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• Willie Nelson – TONIGHT he appears on “Late Show With David Letterman”.

The release of author Dan Brown’s sequel to the “The Da Vinci Code”, originally due to hit shelves later THIS YEAR, has been postponed until 2007. The follow-up to his bestseller, which temporarily went under the working title of “Solomon’s Key”, will reportedly explore the mysterious subject of Freemasonry. (Then what … the Rotary Club?)
– “Publishers Weekly”

Online voters have actually placed Brad Pitt on a list of the 100 least attractive guys, thanks to a reputation for poor personal hygiene. Also on the unflattering list: Kevin Federline, Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, and Osama Bin Laden. And here are the top 5 …
5. Alan Colmes, of Fox News Channel’s “Hannity & Colmes”.
4. Daytime TV talk show host Dr Phil. (For being bald AND a know-it-all.)
3. Movie critic Roger Ebert . (Skinnier lately … but no thumbs up for hotness.)
2. Too-tall NY Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson. (Unfortunately, the ‘Big Unit’ refers to his nose.)
1. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic Gilbert Gottfried. (Perhaps best known as the annoying voice of ‘Iago’ in Disney’s “Aladdin” pics).
– “The Phoenix”

Heavy metal music is derived from classical composer Wagner. He made big changes to the sound of the orchestra, loading it with heavy bass sounds like the tuba and double bass. Sadly, few metal bands now use the tuba.

The Cinesound SFX Library is putting its collection of classic movie sound effects up for auction. The audio clips include the sound of “Lawrence of Arabia’s” horse and “James Bond’s” Aston Martin. The sell-off symbolizes a farewell to traditional sound recordings as digital takes over. The stuff ain’t cheap, however. Bidding starts at $88,000 (SFX: crowd “Ohhhh!”). The company’s online division offers the Web’s largest resource of free SFX to download …
– Reuters

• “It didn’t get me the girl back … but it did get me laid.”
– James Blunt, on his mega-hit “You’re Beautiful”.
• “I’m not great-looking and it’s just getting worse with time.”
– Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo, proving he has a sharp eye for detail.

Here are the celebs who are making the most from endorsing a single product …
10. Penelope Cruz, L’Oreal … $4 million
9. Scarlett Johansson, L’Oreal … $4 million
8. Brad Pitt, Heineken … $4 million
7. Julia Roberts, Gianfranco Ferre … $5 million
6. Charlize Theron, Dior … $6 million
5. Gwyneth Paltrow, Estée Lauder … $6 million
4. Jessica Simpson, Guthy-Renker  … $7.5 million
3. Nicole Kidman, Chanel No 5  … $12 million
2. Angelina Jolie, St John …  $12 million
1. Catherine Zeta-Jones, T-Mobile … $20 million
(Mariah Carey will likely soon make the list after signing a humongous deal with Pepsi to appear in TV ads, plus write & produce 20 exclusive ring-tones.)
– “Ad Week”

$1.7 million is spent each year at Disney’s Animal Kingdom Theme Park on worms to feed the animals.

• “I cried myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because men leered and disrespected me.”
– “Lost” star Evangeline Lilly, lamenting the trials of being born so gol’-darn beautiful.
• “I would just like to say that the reason my husband has filed for divorce still remains a mystery to me.”
– Eminem’s 2-time loser wife, Kim Mathers, telling “Star Magazine” it wasn’t her fault … again.


1934 [72] Shirley MacLaine (Beaty), Richmond VA, movie actress (“Rumor Has It… “, Oscar-“Terms of Endearment”)/Warren Beatty’s big sister  UP NEXT: Plays ‘Miss Ellie Ewing’ in the bigscreen version of vintage TV soap “Dallas”.

1940 [66] Sue Grafton, Louisville KY, top-selling mystery novelist who’s published in 28 countries and 26 languages (her fictional detective ‘Kinsey Millhone’ has appeared in alphabetical best-sellers all the way from “A is for Alibi” to “S is for Silence” … so far)

1942 [64] Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn NY, movie actress (“Meet the Fockers”, Oscar-“Funny Girl”)/film director (“The Prince of Tides”)/pop singer (“Tell Him”)/only person to receive Academy Award, Tony, Emmy, Grammy, Golden Globe, CableACE & Peabody/Mrs James Brolin

1964 [42] Cedric the Entertainer (Cedric Kyles), Jefferson City MO, comic/movie actor (“Madagascar”, “Barbershop”)

1982 [24] Kelly Clarkson, Fort Worth TX, Grammy Award -winning pop singer (“Because of You”, “Since U Been Gone”)/”American Idol” winner (2002)

• “Administrative Professionals Week”, acknowledging the contributions of administrators in industry, business, government, and education. WEDNESDAY is “Administrative Professionals Day”, formerly “National Secretary’s Day”. The occasion is commemorated with a card, flowers, lunch and paranoid avoidance of the word ‘secretary’.

• “St George’s Day Holiday”, a legal holiday in Newfoundland & Labrador commemorating England’s patron saint.

• “TV-Turnoff Week”, the 12th annual observance through SUNDAY. The purpose is to encourage people to turn off their TVs for 7 days and enrich their social and family lives. Some suggestions for non-TV activities are here . . .

• “World Lab Animal Day”, founded by the National Anti-Vivisection Society and recognized by the UN on behalf of the – quote – ‘billions of animals who are burnt, sliced, crushed, electrocuted, gassed, poisoned with toxic chemicals, psychologically tormented, and killed each year in laboratories around the world.’ (As opposed to those we just eat.)

1976 [30] “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen peaks at #9 on pop singles chart

1992 [14] David Bowie & fashion model Iman are married in a secret ceremony in Switzerland

1901 [105] 1st ‘American League’ baseball game (Chicago White Sox 8, Cleveland Indians 2)

1983 [23] 1st snooker player with maximum 147-point break in World Championship (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)

1992 [14] Terry Cole balances world record 220 cigar boxes on his chin for 9 seconds in London UK

1994 [12] ‘Fastest Backwards Marathon’ of 3 hrs, 53 mins, 17 secs set by Timothy Badnya in Toledo OH

1996 [10] Longest NHL game in 60 years as Petr Nedved scores with 44 secs left in 4th OT to give Pittsburgh 3-2 victory over Washington Capitals

[Tues] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Tues] Hug an Australian Day
[Wed] Pretzel Day
[Wed] International Noise Awareness Day
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
[Thurs] Hairball Awareness Day
[Thurs] Sense of Smell Day
[Fri] “2006 Daytime Emmy Awards”

Big Brothers-Big Sisters Appreciation Week / Canada-US Goodwill Week / Consumer Protection Week / Egg Salad Week / Forest Week / Intergenerational Week / Jewish Heritage Week / Give-A-Sample Week / Lingerie Week / YMCA Week / Reading Is Fun Week / Teacher Appreciation Week / Week of the Young Child / Keep America Beautiful Week


• It would look nicer if you buttoned it up.
• If you ask for too much, people will think you’re pushy.
• Men won’t like you if you’re taller, smarter, more successful or if you make more money than they do … or if you have glasses.
• Nice girls don’t wear thongs.
• He should drive.
• Girls don’t need biceps.
• That ‘Marcia Brady’ actress is going to be a huge star someday.
• Your shoes and purse (and towels and tissues) should always match.
• He’ll think you’re a floozy if you sleep with him on the first date.
– “Glamour Magazine”

Q: ‘Huffcup’, ‘The Mad Dog’, ‘Father Whoreso’, ‘Angel’s Food’, ‘Go-by-the-Wall’, ‘Stride Well’ and ‘Lift Leg’ were all nicknames for what product?
A: In Elizabethan England, they were common names for beer.

What tune was playing the first time you ‘did it’?

A drunk smelling heavily of beer sits down on a bus next to a priest, opens a newspaper
and begins reading. After a few minutes he turns to the priest and asks, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap women and too much alcohol.” He then apologizes, saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” The drunk answers, “I don’t Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Today’s Question: After buying new clothes, 1 in 3 women immediately does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cuts out the size tag.

A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.

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