Thursday, April 6, 2006        Edition: #3255
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
In a stunning turn-around, actor George Clooney has been forced to abandon plans to build the proposed Las Ramblas Casino in Las Vegas, after his backers decided to sell the plot of land ear-marked for the luxury resort instead (after a call from some guy named Louie) . . . And there’s more bad news for George – his production company is facing plagiarism allegations as French screenwriter Stephanie Vergniault is claiming that at least 15 scenes from his thriller “Syriana” were stolen from her script entitled “Oversight”, developed between 1997 & 2003 (she apparently just noticed) . . . 48-year-old plastic actress Sharon Stone says there’s already a script for “Basic Instinct 3″, but next time around she wants to step behind the camera and direct (apparently she hasn’t read the latest box office figures – oh yeah, there aren’t any) . . . Recently knighted 65-year-old crooner Sir Tom Jones has been told by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that his face will collapse if he gets any more work done (are you listening Ms Stone?) . . . “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner has written a personal letter of apology to actress Jessica Alba for putting her pic on the mag’s cover without permission and is donating money to her favorite charities (thereby bribing her to drop her lawsuit) . . . In the latest example of unhinged logic, Tom Cruise has reportedly commissioned an adult-sized ‘soother’ for Katie Holmes to clench between her teeth during childbirth, in order to ensure a Scientology-style ‘silent birth’ (geez, why not just put a pillow over her face?) . . . Cruise’s publicist Arnold Robinson, however, is denying the report as ‘nonsense’ (ah, so it’s true!) . . . And despite a massive letter-writing campaign by the ultra-conservative (if not homophobic) group, The American Family Association, Wal-Mart has decided to go ahead and sell the DVD version of “Brokeback Mountain” (cuz there’s money in them thar’ hills!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Janet Jackson – Her new studio album (due in SEPTEMBER) has been given the tentative title “20 Years Old”, an apparent reference to the 20-year-anniversary of her 1986 hit album “Control”.
• Kenny Chesney – He’s sold out his JULY 14th concert at NYC’s Madison Square Garden, becoming only the 2nd country act to accomplish the feat. The Dixie Chicks did it in 2003.
• Kris Kristofferson – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’ Brien”.
• OK Go – The indie rockers from Chicago recorded the album “Oh No” in Malmo, Sweden after their demos caught the attention of Tore Johansson, the hugely sought-after producer behind Franz Ferdinand’s debut album.
• Teddy Geiger – The 17-year-old Buffalo NY native has already co-written hits for the likes of Jessica Simpson and Kelly Rowland. He was also a regular on the cancelled CBS-TV series “Love Monkey”.
• UB40 – TONIGHT the ‘80s reggae band is on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
• Velvet Revolver – Despite rumors that Slash & Duff McKagan will rejoin Guns N’ Roses for a summer tour, the group is actually at work on its new album with an unlikely collaborator, hip-hop producer Pharrell Williams.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Nick Lachey cast-off & former “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavalleri has landed her first role in a feature film in the upcoming psychological thriller “Fingerprints” (proving just about any publicity can get you a gig) . . . Jessica Simpson has reportedly landed one of the roles as a lifeguard in a bigscreen version of the ‘90s TV show “Baywatch” (she qualified by exhibiting sufficient bounce while running in slo-mo) . . . “American Pie” alum Seann William Scott has the lead in the upcoming indie comedy “Gary the Tennis Coach”, about a high school janitor who leads his team to the championship (get the Oscar ready) . . . “Sea Of Love” star Ellen Barkin has the female lead in the recently announced “Ocean’s Thirteen” (she’s a lot cheaper than either Julia Roberts or Catherine Zeta-Jones), which will be shot on a purpose-built casino set on the Warner Bros lot (also a lot cheaper than the last sequel, shot on location in Europe) . . . To promote the JUNE 6th release of the horror remake “The Omen”, planes are trailing banners over tourist areas that read “You Have Been Warned – 6/6/06″ (that’s just sick-sick-sick) . . . A few sections of “Superman Returns” will be in 3-D when it plays on Imax screens THIS SUMMER; theater-goers will be prompted on-screen when to put on their special 3-D glasses (you know what that means – lame script).

DELAYING GRATIFICATION IS GOOD:
You’ve heard the old saw, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey”? According to a new Stanford University psychology study, it’s likely true. Using brain-image technology to measure satisfaction, researchers have found that anticipation of something can make you far happier than actually doing it. (Guess that explains why someone looks far better at 2 am than when you wake up next to ‘em in the morning.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

DID YOU KNOW?
The sale of pencils in England has gone up 700% in the past 6 months, which experts directly attribute to the meteoric rise in popularity of the new ‘Sudoku’ puzzles in UK newspapers.
– Associated Press

THE KOSHER PHONE:
Israeli developers have created a cellphone for ultra-Orthodox Jews that’s stripped down to its original function – making & receiving calls. No text messaging, no Internet access, no video options, no camera. And over 10,000 numbers for dating services, sex lines and other worldly offerings are blocked. (Y’know, there are a lot of parents of teens who’d latch onto this idea!)
– “Globe & Mail”

CROSSING OVER ARABIA:
Five women in Saudi Arabia who became tired of male domination have decided if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em – they’ve all undergone gender-change surgery abroad over the past 12 months, a procedure that so far breaks no national or religious rules. But that may change. A senior cleric is now urging authorities to fill this ‘legal vacuum’ by passing a law banning sex-change operations. (So far no comment from the leader of the 5 trannies … ‘Osama bin Lady’.)
– “Al Watan”

TRASH TALKIN’:
In Ron Kessler’s new book, “An Intimate Portrait Of The First Lady”, Laura Bush says she was appalled by the state of the West Wing carpets and furniture when she & George W moved in, many of which were frayed. She further slams previous occupants the Clintons for their garish use of color, which included red, blue and gold. The book is said to be filled with unsubtle jabs at Mrs Clinton. (Who just happens to want to move back into the White House in 2008.)
– “GQ”

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• Cat burglars who broke into a pub in Amstetten, Austria to rob the safe were jolted when a drunk walked in and ordered a round, believing they were bartenders. The quick-thinking crooks served up 3 beers ‘on-the-house’ until he passed out, then proceeded to grab the loot.
• British anti-terrorism cops escorted a 24-year-old off a plane after a taxi driver reported he’d been acting suspiciously in his cab on the way to the airport. Seems the suspect had uttered the words, “Now war is declared and battle comes down”. That WOULD be scary except – he was just singing along to an MP3 of The Clash’s 1979 tune “London Calling”.
• A 16-year-old in Timaru, New Zealand will not be charged even though he took a car on a test drive – for over 300 miles! Police say he’s getting off because he returned the vehicle in good condition and the seller failed to stipulate any conditions for the test.

BS SHOCKING FACT:
The average Major League Baseball salary is now $2.87 million per season.
– AP

COLORED SNOW YOU CAN EAT:
In the alpine regions of Colorado it is not uncommon to find pink snow falling in the mountains. Locals call it ‘Watermelon Snow’ because it actually has a taste very similar to watermelon. The pink hue is caused by an algae that is safe to eat, at least in reasonable quantities. Eating too much, however, can result in pink diarrhea. (“Mommy, look what I made!”)
– “Fortean Times”

HE SAID IT:
“People say I must be a horrible person but it’s not true. I have the heart of a little boy … in a jar on my desk.”
– Horror author Stephen King, whose latest bestseller is “Cell”.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Ventura CA teacher who kept a 40-mm shell on his desk as a paperweight has blown off part of his hand after using it to … try and squash a bug.
• To ensure public safety, astute officials in northwestern Pakistan have approved a new law banning … kite-flying.
• After joggers complained he was disturbing the peace in the local woods, Joachim Bahrenfeld of Datteln, Germany has been ordered to stop – laughing out loud. The 54-year-old accountant faces a $7,500 fine or 6 months in jail if he laughs in the woods again.

THE BULL SHEET 04.06.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [69] Merle Haggard, Bakersfield CA, country legend with 38 #1 hits (“Okie from Muskogee”, “If We Make It Through December”)

1942 [64] Barry Levinson, Baltimore MD, movie producer/director (Academy Award-“Rain Man”, “Diner”)

1973 [33] Markku Lappalainen, Agoura Hills CA, rock bassist (Hoobastank-“The Reason”)

1975 [31] Zach Braff, South Orange NJ, TV actor (‘Dr John Dorian’ on “Scrubs” since 2001)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, one of 2 annually that are dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. So what would you like yours to say? Here’s a few from the formerly famous …
• “Kata Ton Daimona Eay Toy” (‘True to His Own Spirit’) – Rocker Jim Morrison of The Doors.
• “She Did It the Hard Way” – Movie actress Bette Davis.
• “A Star on Earth – A Star in Heaven” – Pop singer Karen Carpenter of The Carpenters.
• “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime” – ‘50s crooner Dean Martin.
• “That’s All Folks!” – Mel Blanc, the man of a thousand voices in WB cartoons.
NET: http://www.hardiehouse.org/epitaph/index.html

• “Tartan Day”, a day for celebration of Scottish roots and traditionally the beginning of Scotland’s tourist season.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1886 [120] City of Vancouver is incorporated

1896 [110] 1st modern ‘Olympic Games’ begin in Athens (James Connolly of Boston wins 1st event – the hop, skip & jump)

1938 [68] ‘Teflon’ coating accidentally invented by Du Pont researcher Roy Plunkett (how do they get it to stick to the pans?)

1973 [33] 1st ‘Designated Hitter’ in Major League Baseball, NY Yankee Ron Blomberg

1980 [26] 1st ‘Post-It Notes’ (a 3M product)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today-Sun] The Masters Golf Tournament (Augusta GA)
[Fri] Hug Your Newsman Day
[Fri] No Housework Day
[Fri] World Health Day
[Fri] Walk to Work Day
[Sun] Chicken Little Awareness Day
[Sun] Palm Sunday (Christian)
This Week Is … Golden Rule Week
This Month Is … Knuckles Down Month (celebrating the grand old game of marbles)

BULL’S BITS

BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit when you get what you want … you don’t want it as much?
• Whyzit those with a closed mind often have an open mouth?
• Whyzit creditors’ memories are so much better than debtors? Huh, why is that?
• Whyzit you need an appointment to see a psychic?
• Whyzit when women hold off from marrying it’s called ‘independence’ but when men do it’s called ‘fear of commitment’? Huh, how come?

BS PHONE STARTER:
THIS WEEK the creators of “Sesame Street” are releasing a new line of videos targeted for children as young as 6-months-old. Is that a good thing?

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
You run down the list while a caller or studio guest attempts to decide which are actual recent articles from women’s magazines and which are total BS …
• “The Naughty Thing 30% of Couples Do in Bed” [“Cosmo”]
• “The Double Workout: 12 Exercises to Do While Jogging!” [FAKE]
• “Fix That Leaky Faucet! [“Woman’s Day”]
• “How’s Your Earing? The Art of the Wet Willy” [FAKE]
• “What Keeps a Man Crazy in Love?” [“Redbook”]
• “Turn Your Friend Into Your Boyfriend” [“Cleo”]
• “The Secret of Soulful Sex” [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
• “White is the New Black!” [FAKE]
• “Can Facial Exercises Prevent Wrinkles?” [“Woman’s Day”]
• “How to Get Ahead Fast Without Totally Busting Your Ass” [“Cosmo”]

A QUESTION OF LOGIC:
You know all the answers to these questions … you just don’t know that you know.
• What kind of water never freezes? [Uh, hot water.]
• What letter is never found in the alphabet? [The one you mail.]
• What question can you never answer “yes” to? [“Are you asleep?”]
• What is the biggest pencil in the world? [Penn-sylvania.]
• What is the longest word in the English language? [Smiles ... there’s a mile between the first and last letter.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: It’s estimate you’ll find one of THESE in 7 out of 10 family homes, but half of them have only been used once.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A kite.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.

 


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