Thursday, April 12, 2012        Edition: #4726

Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

Today 63-year-old Stephen Bogart, son of movie legend Humphrey Bogart, is planning a cruise off the coast of Florida in the newly-restored 100-year-old steamboat that appeared in his father’s 1951 movie classic, “The African Queen” (for which Bogie won an Oscar) . . . Tonight Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson receives the ‘Action Star Of the Year Award’ at the annual CinemaCon convention in Las Vegas (an award you get for – agreeing to show up) . . . More than 100 advertisers have disassociated themselves from Rush Limbaugh since his offensive comments about a female Georgetown law student and a 2nd radio station has now dropped his syndicated show, WPHT Philadelphia (you failed to look down for ‘fine line’, Rush) . . . Heidi Klum & Seal have remained mum about their divorce of late, but it looks like the sheet is about to hit the fan as Seal is reportedly gearing up for a fight over child custody and property (now we know who has the most money) . . . Kris Humphries has instructed his divorce attorney to determine if his soon-to-be-ex, Kim Kardashian, spent money on her boyfriend, Kanye West, while the former couple was still married (like Kanye needs a loan) . . . RadarOnline reports Whitney Houston’s troubled daughter Bobbi Kristina has reached a verbal deal for a reality TV show with a cable network, despite family advice to steer clear (a train wreck in the making) . . . In a new interview with “Smithsonian Magazine”, “The Simpsons” co-creator Matt Groening has revealed the town in the long-running animated show is based on Springfield, Oregon, near his childhood hometown of Portland (apparently a place where everyone suffers from jaundice) . . . Cee-Lo Green has tweeted his displeasure with “The Voice” (NBC), suggesting he wants to walk away from his gig as a celebrity coach but can’t because he’s under contract (dude, do like everyone else with jobs they’re tired of – think about the money) . . . After a much-publicized pay dispute, “Hunger Games” director Gary Ross has confirmed he will NOT direct the 2nd installment of the much-hyped franchise, “Catching Fire” (due November 2013), because he ‘doesn’t have the time’ he needs to write and prep the movie (oops, this could go down as one of the all-time filmmaking blunders).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The finalists face elimination; Jennifer Hudson w/Ne-Yo & Rick Ross perform “Think Like a Man”; season 10 finalist James Durbin performs “Love Me Bad”.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Arctic Monkeys (“Suck It and See”).
• “Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Esperanza Spalding (“Radio Music Society “).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Karmin (“Hello”, out May 8th).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – The Shins (“Port of Morrow”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Lee Fields & The Expressions (“Faithful Man”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Alabama Shakes (“Boys & Girls”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Feist (“Metals”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Shooter Jennings (“Family Man”).


• Bee Gees – Robin Gibb is in hospital with pneumonia, too ill to attend this week’s London premiere of his first classical work, “The Titanic Requiem”. The 62-year-old has been waging a long-running battle with colon cancer.
• Dierks Bentley – Tonight he headlines the opening night of the 19th “Country Thunder Arizona” festival which runs through Sunday at Canyon Moon Ranch in Florence AZ. Big & Rich headline Friday’s show; Blake Shelton fronts the Saturday gig; and Alan Jackson closes on Sunday.
• Keith Urban – This week he got an invitation to join the Grand Ole Opry from Vince Gill. The New Zealand-born, Australian-raised artist will be the first from outside North America to become an Opry member.
• Lady Antebellum – They’ve sold more than 750,000 tickets at the halfway point of their “Own the Night World Tour”, far exceeding their own expectations.
• Lee Brice – He’s atop today’s new ‘Billboard Country Songs’ chart with “A Woman Like You”. It’s his first #1 on that chart.
• “Lollapalooza” – The Black Keys, Black Sabbath, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers have just been announced as the 2012 headliners. The annual festival runs August 3rd-to-5th in Chicago’s Grant Park.
• Maroon 5 – Frontman Adam Levine says the TV fame he’s experienced since becoming a coach on “The Voice” is far more ‘intense’ than the celebrity he achieved in music. He says constantly being surrounded by people asking him questions took some getting used to.
• 98 Degrees – Nick Lachey will NOT be missing the birth of his first child via wife Vanessa (Minnillo) due to a reunion tour of his 1990s boy-band. The mama-to-be confirms a tour has been talked about but is not on the books right now.
• One Direction – One of the hottest acts in the biz is being sued for trademark infringement by a small California pop-rock group with the same name. The lawsuit contends the duplication is causing ‘substantial confusion and damage’. (Yeah right, how much do you want?)

The clean-shaven look is so pre-recession. You can now let you beard grow but there are a few simple rules to follow when it comes to cultivating whiskers …
• The longer your face is, the shorter your chin hair should be. Otherwise the beard will exaggerate your features.
• Each time you shower, shampoo your beard and rub in a dime-size dollop of moisturizing conditioner. Without it, shampoo can dry your face and overstimulate oil glands.
• If your face is round or your chin isn’t very pronounced, keep sideburns at mid-ear or shorter. If you have an oblong or rectangular face, grow them a little longer … mid-ear to earlobe length.
• Don’t let sideburns grow wider than about an inch … or you’ll need a sequined jumpsuit to match. (PS: Elvis is still dead.)
– Excerpted from “Men’s Health”

The exclamation point wasn’t even a standard feature on typewriters until the 1970s. Of all English punctuation marks, it’s the only one with no grammatical function, other than to amplify the feeling conveyed in a sentence. Today it’s used with hyperventilating frequency in electronic communications, almost displacing the period as the default sentence-ender. Often it’s used to gin up excitement when there seems no true reason for it in the preceding sentence. (No matter how many !!!!!!! you place at the end of a sentence, they will never save dull writing.)
– Adapted from “The American Scholar”


Remember this guy? Back in 2008, Ian Usher of Perth, Australia sold off his entire life, including house, car, motorcycle, wardrobe, even his job (“BS”:, in order to make a fresh start after a failed marriage. He drew up a list of 100 goals he wanted to complete in 100 weeks. Here’s some of what he’s done since …
✓ Run with the bulls in Spain.
✓ Learned to speak French.
✓ Joined the ‘Mile High Club.
✓ Developed a 6-pack.
✓ Learned to fly a plane.
✓ Scored a bit-part in a Hollywood movie.
✓ Gone cage-diving with sharks in South Africa.
✓ Participated in a dog-sled expedition.
✓ Gone skydiving … naked.
Four years later, he’s come up a bit short … achieving just 93 of the goals. However, he now owns an island off Panama and is building his own house there with his newfound love. And oh … Disney has bought the rights to his story and may make a movie. (So Ian, thanks for making the rest of us feel totally inadequate.)


Tattoos of Chinese characters have long been a fad in the West as a way of denoting the mystique of their bearers, but in a reversal of that trend Chinese ink parlors are reporting a sudden craze among their clients for tattoos in English. Zhang Aiping, a tattooist in Shanghai, says around 30-to-40% of his customers are now choosing tattoos in English letters, a trend that’s only been developing since the beginning of this year. Among his most recent inkings in English: “I miss u forever”. (Makes far more sense than many of those Chinese characters Hollywood types routinely have branded on.)

Experts say these are ‘must-haves’ for your jewelry wardrobe …
✓ Cuff – If you think they’re too heavy or clunky, try a delicate bangle set to get the same effect.
✓ Hoops – A timeless essential and one of the few items that are as appropriate on a tween as on a 60-year-old.
✓ Long Layering Necklace – You can throw it on over any other necklace to instantly put your look together.
✓ Ring – A big cocktail ring is an easy way to bring a pop of color to your outfit … and it doesn’t even have to match.
✓ Short Necklace – A short necklace with a small charm or pendant is something you can wear every day and layer with.
✓ Statement Necklace – An amazing necklace is a quick way to take your work outfit from day to night.
✓ Stud Earrings – They don’t have to be boring even if it seems like you wear them every day. They’re more of a finishing touch than anything else.
– Condensed from “Redbook”


Research firm IDC projects that the number of ‘non-traditional office workers’ (telecommuters, freelancers, contractors) will reach 1.3 billion worldwide by 2015.


1946 [66] Ed O’Neill, Youngstown OH, TV actor (‘Jay Pritchett’ on “Modern Family” since 2009, “Married With Children” 1987-97)

1947 [65] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since
1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-93)/TV producer (Worldwide Pants)

1956 [56] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana, Cuba, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven” movies, “The Untouchables”)

1957 [55] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (Grammy Awards-“When Love Finds You”, “I Still Believe in You”, “When I Call Your Name”)/married to singer Amy Grant since 2000

1960 [52] Ron MacLean, Zweibrucken, Germany (air force brat), TV sportscaster (“Hockey Night in Canada” and “Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry” co-host since 1986, CBC Olympics coverage since 1988)/8 Gemini Awards

1978 [34] Guy Berryman, Kirkcaldy, Scotland, rock bassist (Coldplay-“Paradise”, “Clocks”)

1979 [33] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Family Stone”, “The Hours”)/TV actress (“Homeland” 2011)

1987 [25] Brendon Urie, Las Vegas NV, rock singer/musician (Panic At the Disco-“Nine In the Afternoon”, “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”)

1987 [25] Brooklyn Decker, Kettering OH, 5’-9” fashion model (“Sports Illustrated”, Victoria’s Secret)/wannabe movie actress (“Battleship”, opening May 18th)/wed to tennis player Andy Roddick since 2009

• “International Teens Against Zits Day”. Wouldn’t that mean logically that someone, somewhere is actually FOR them?

• “Licorice Day”. The best kind?  We say ‘zout’ (salt) from The Netherlands. A recent UK study says licorice is good for dental health. (It’s the anise that does it.)

• “Support Teen Literature Day”, a part of “National Library Week”. (Between the “Twilight” series and “The Hunger Games” trilogy, it seems we’ve all been doing our part.)

• “Walk on Your Wild Side Day, a day to do something unpredictable. Go to work dressed like a gorilla, get a Master’s degree, something ‘they’ said you’d never do.

1992 [20] Euro Disney opens in Marne-la-Vallee, France (now called Disneyland Paris)

1967 [45] “O Canada” officially becomes the Canadian national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)

1972 [40] “Fan Fair” debuts in Nashville TN but almost no country fans show up to see Loretta Lynn, Porter Wagoner, Roy Acuff, Minnie Pearl, Ernest Tubb, and Bill Monroe (now called “CMA Music Festival”)

1994 [18] 1st ‘Email Spam’ as Arizona law firm Canter & Siegel floods Internet addresses with their ad (somebody oughta sue them for 2 decades of cruel and unusual punishment)

2008 [04] With her latest single, “4 Minutes”, Madonna beats Elvis as the artist with the most all-time top 10 hits on “Billboard” charts (37)

[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] “The Cabin In the Woods”; “Lockout”; “The Three Stooges” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival begins (Indio CA)
[Fri] Scrabble Day
[Sat] 27th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction (Cleveland)
[Sat] Baby Massage Day
[Sat] International Moment of Laughter Day
[Sat] Pan American Day
This Week Is … Environmental Week
This Month Is … Couple Appreciation Month


As a salute to birthday boy David Letterman, here’s a reworked “Late Show” bit from 1995 …
• Goalies remove article of clothing for each goal allowed.
• Goal only counts if preceded by a ‘flying camel’ or a ‘sit spin’.
• Last minute of each period … lights out!
• Between-period races in hopped-up Zambonis.
• Canadian players must play in bare feet.
• Replace linesmen’s whistle with swingin’ alto sax.
• Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
• Blindfolds.


Dogs can’t really smell fear … but they can smell wet pants.

An acronym is a word formed by the initials of a group of words in a name or phrase. So what do the initials stand for in the following words?
● NASCAR … ‘National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing’.
● RADAR … ‘Radio Detecting And Ranging’.
● SCUBA … ‘Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus’.
● SNAFU … ‘Situation Normal, All [Fouled] Up’.
● WYSIWYG [wizzy-wig] … A computer term meaning ‘What You See is What You Get’.
(And the acronym ‘BS’ stands for reliable, usable radio show prep.)

☎ Which household chores are men most likely to help out with?

Question: If you use one of THESE, you will likely use it just over 80 times this year.
Answer: An ATM.


Success is a matter of luck … just ask any failure.

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