Thursday, April 13, 2017        Edition: #5953

You Got the Sheet, Man!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★Elton John may have been targeted by a hitman. According to late reality star David Gest’s former bodyguard, Gest hired a  $50,000 hitman with instructions to kill Elton John.  He claims that he had to talk Gest out of the scheme which was intended as revenge after Elton John suggested that Gest was gay.  Sir Elton was said to have made the disparaging remark following David’s marriage to actress Liza Minnelli in 2002, joking: “I’d love to buy Liza a heterosexual husband.”
-NME.com
★Mel B’s ex Stephen Belafonte wants legal visitation rights with her daughter.  That would be her daughter with Eddie Murphy!!  It is being reported that the Spice Girls alum’s allegedly abusive ex is trying to gain the legal right to maintain a relationship with not only his child with the X Factor judge, but with her other daughter too!
(E! Online)
★Caitlyn Jenner underwent gender reassignment surgery in January, she has revealed in her autobiography ‘The Secrets Of My Life’.  The reality TV star and former Olympian announced in April, 2015, that she was transitioning into a woman from her previous identity of Bruce Jenner.
Now it has been revealed that Caitlyn has undergone one of the most permanent parts of the transition, by having an operation. Her memoir will be released on April 25. Quote: “The surgery was a success, and I feel not only wonderful but liberated.”  (And like a true Jenner-Kardashian, she knows how to use publicity to maximum effect…)
-WENN.com
★After Ryan Phillippe’s humorous Tweet denying a relationship with Katy Perry, she has hilariously apologized for the uproar.  We told you yesterday that Phillippe had Tweeted something to the effect of “I am not dating Katy Perry, I barely know her” in all-caps.  Katy then took to her own Twitter page to respond to Ryan’s remark, writing: “Hi, nice to meet you, sorry bout that @RyanPhillippe carry on, lol.”
(Well, if they aren’t  dating now, just hold on…)
-TorontoSun.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
•Jimmy Kimmel (ABC/Global): Charlize Theron, Tony Goldwyn, Romeo Santos
•Jimmy Fallon (NBC/CTV): Aaron Paul, Keri Russell, 2 Chainz featuring Gucci Mane R
•Stephen Colbert (CBS/Global): Anderson Cooper, Judd Apatow, Jidenna R
•Seth Meyers (NBC/CTV): Ewan McGregor, Zoe Kravitz, Jon Pardi  R
•James Corden (CBS/CTV): Michelle Monaghan, Bradley Whitford, London Grammar R
•Conan (TBS/Comedy): Kunal Nayyar, Harland Williams, Lillie Mae
•Watch What Happens Live (Bravo): Keri Russell, Matthew Rhys
•The View (ABC/CTV): Martha Stewart, Tyson Beckford
•Live with Kelly (ABC/CTV): Anna Chlumsky, guest co-host Carrie Ann Inaba
•Ellen DeGeneres (NBC/CTV): Chris Hardwick, Kunal Nayyar, Ashley Benson, Lucy Hale

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
Friday:
“Mystery Science Theatre 3000-The Return” (Netflix) Back on TV for the first time in 20 years after a crowdfunding campaign.
Saturday:
•”Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) Host Jimmy Fallon, musical guest Harry Styles

BS MUSIC NOTES:
•J. Geils Band founder/guitarist John Geils Jr., who died on Tuesday at the age of 71,  had another love besides music: Cars.  He founded KTR Motorsports, a restorer of vintage European sports cars.
•Alanis Morissette’s former manager says he is sorry.  Jonathan Schwartz is due to be sentenced May 3, after pleading guilty to criminal charges in connection with stealing millions from clients — including almost $5million from Alanis..  She has since settled.  Schwartz, who will be sentenced for his crimes next month, has penned an open letter of apology to his victims, family and colleagues.
(He got caught and now he’s sorry.  Ironic, don’t you think?)
•Lindsey Buckingham and Christine McVie are just about ready to unveil their upcoming album- starting with the release of the set’s first single  tomorrow.  The “In My World” single officially starts the long-awaited lead up to Lindsey Buckingham/Christine McVie, the duo project led by the Fleetwood Mac bandmates.  The album drops June 9.
•Simple Plan have announced a Canadian Tour celebrating the 15th anniversary of their debut album, “No Pads, No Helmets….Just Balls”.  First date: September 5 in Vancouver.
•Darius Rucker has announced details for his latest Darius and Friends benefit concert which  will be taking place for the first time at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville.  The annual event, in support of the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, is scheduled for June 5th, ahead of this year’s CMA Music Festival week. The shows have raised over $800,000 so far.
•Jeff Cook, a founding member of the band Alabama, is battling Parkinson’s disease and is stepping away from touring.  In a video statement, Cook said he was diagnosed with the disease four years ago.  Alabama became members of the Country Music Hall of Fame in 2005.

WEEKEND MOVIE OPENINGS:

•“The Fate Of The Furious” (PG 13 Action Adventure): The latest installment of the Fast and the Furious franchise includes Charlize Theron as the latest villain to torment Dominic Toretto and his crew, while Helen Mirren joins the cast after publicly lobbying for a role to sate her real-life love of racing. Also: Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Jordana Brewster, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham, and Scott Eastwood.

•“The Lost City of Z” (PG 13 Action Adventure): The true story of British explorer Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam), who journeys into the Amazon at the dawn of the 20th century and discovers evidence of a previously unknown, advanced civilization that may have once inhabited the region. (Sienna Miller, Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson)

•“Spark: A Space Tail” (PG-Animated): Thirteen years ago the power-mad General Zhong seized control of Planet Bana, and now he plans to take over the universe.  Enter Spark and his friends, Chunk and Vix. It’s up to them to stop him. (Voices of Jace Norman, Patrick Stewart, Jessica Biel, Hillary Swank, Susan Sarandon)

SECRETS OF SECRET SERVICE AGENTS:
From a former U.S. Secret Service agent:
-They make sure the President is never alone.  Even in the bathroom.
-They travel with bags of the President’s blood.  Just in case.
-They film the President in case something happens.  Any time he is in public, he is probably being filmed by Secret Service.
-Food is under constant surveillance.  If you send the President an Easter ham, he won’t ever see it.  Every bite of food given to the President is prepared under the watchful eye of the Secret Service.
-Hotels hate them.  From the background checks for hotel employees to the fact that The Secret Service will take over entire floors above and below the president, the upheaval caused by a Presidential visit is just not worth it to the hotel. They’ll even keep an elevator repairman on standby in the event the POTUS gets stuck. (Good thing Trump owns his own hotels…)
-There is no sworn oath to die for the President.  That’s pure Hollywood.
-Their limos are straight out of a James Bond movie.  Among the features:  flat-tire-proof, bulletproof, and driven by agents with extensive experience in defensive driving. (Plus A/C, I’m fairly sure…)
-They don’t carry bags, so don’t  ask.  The quickest way to annoy a Secret Service agent? Ask them to carry your luggage or grocery bags.  (They’re talkin’ to you, Melania!)
-MentalFloss.com

EASTER GREEDING:
A Pennsylvania volunteer fire company says it has canceled this year’s Easter egg hunt for children because of “unruly” parents in past years.  The Norco Fire Company in North Coventry Township says the annual children’s event won’t be held this year.  Apparently they have experienced a recurring problem of some parents running onto the field despite having been told not to and this poses a danger to children. He says it’s not the majority of people but a few people “just can’t seem to let the kids have fun.”  The department hopes to bring the event back in the future.
(And these parents are in charge of raising the next generation?)
(The image of infuriated parents in their Sunday best  wrestling for tiny chocolate eggs in the middle of a muddy field is probably not in the true spirit of Easter…)

BEATING UP ON HEART MONITORS:
A new study says that wrist-worn heart monitors might be a waste of money, even if you DO use them.  In a test of 4 different heart trackers, the most accurate was correct within 5 beats per minute.  The worst?  Off by an average of 23 beats per minute.   But those results were with the testers at rest.  When tested on people who were actually working out, the most accurate was off by 23 beats per minute.  The least accurate was off the mark by 41 beats per minute.
(41?  That’s like a whole extra heart’s worth)
(I hope the same manufacturers aren’t making gas pumps)
(Does this mean my step-counter is off too?)
-ABC)

DON’T GET SO EMOJINAL:
If you are a guy, you know that you should only use emojis sparingly.  Especially if you are using a dating app.  According to Clover, here are the emojis that guys should NOT be using if they want to hear back from their prospective match:
-‘phallic eggplant’
-‘flex’
-‘fist bump’
-‘clap’

And the emojis that women use that turn guys off?
-‘ring’
-‘crying face’
-‘turd’
(I think if she’s sending you the turd, the match is already on shaky ground!)
-Men’s Health

BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 76% of us like to eat the ears on chocolate bunnies first.
• 70% of kids say they eat their Easter jellybeans one-at-a-time.
• 65% of us prefer milk chocolate over dark chocolate.
• 40% of us possess an air freshener that no longer works.
• 10% of office workers admit they are ‘afraid’ of the photocopier.
-First published in BS in 2014

BS CHRONOMETER 04.13.17

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [67] Ron Perlman, NYC, TV actor (“Sons of Anarchy” 2008-14)/movie actor (“Hellboy” movies, “Beauty & The Beast”)

1951 [66] Max Weinberg, South Orange NJ, rock drummer (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)/TV bandleader (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien” 1993-2009)

1972 [45] Aaron Lewis, Rutland VT, rock singer (Staind- “Believe”, “Right Here”)

1988 [29] Allison Williams, New Canaan CT, TV actress (‘Marnie Michaels’ on “Girls” since 2012)/daughter of former “NBC Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams

FRIDAY:
1932 [85] Loretta Lynn, Butcher Hollow KY, legendary country singer who’s still recording (“Full Circle” 2016)/most awarded female country recording artist in history
1961 [56] Robert Carlyle, Glasgow, Scotland, movie actor (“Trainspotting”, “The Full Monty”)TV actor (“Once Upon a Time” since 2011) “T2 Trainspotting” was released this month.
1973 [44] Adrien Brody, NYC, movie actor (“The Grand Budapest Hotel”, “The Pianist”)/TV actor (“Houdini” 2014)
1977 [40] Sarah Michelle Gellar, NYC, TV actress (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-2003)/movie actress (“Cruel Intentions”)
1996 [21] Abigail Breslin, NYC, TV actress (‘Chanel #5′ on “Scream Queens” since 2015)/movie actress (“Little Miss Sunshine”)
1968 [49] Anthony Michael Hall, Boston MA, movie actor (The Breakfast Club. Sixteen Candles, Weird Science)
SATURDAY:
1959 [58] Emma Thompson, London UK, movie actress (“Harry Potter” films, “Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (“Sense & Sensibility”)
1968 [49] Ed O’Brien, Oxford UK, rock guitarist (Radiohead-”Paranoid Android”, “There There”)
1978 [39] Chris Stapleton, Lexington KY, country singer (“Tennessee Whiskey”, “Traveller”)
1979 [38] Luke Evans, Pontypool, Wales, movie actor (“The Hobbit” films, “Fast & Furious 6″)  Co-stars with Emma Watson in Disney’s live action “Beauty & The Beast”
1980 [37] Patrick Carney, Akron OH, blues-rock drummer (The Black Keys-”Gotta Get Away”, “Gold On the Ceiling”)
1982 [35] Seth Rogen, Vancouver BC, movie actor (“The Interview”, “Knocked Up”)
1984 [33] De’Mar Hamilton, Chicago IL, rock drummer (Plain White T’s-”Rhythm of Love”, “Hey There Delilah”)
1990 [27] Emma Watson, Paris, France, movie actress (“Colonia”, “Harry Potter” films)
1997 [20] Maisie Williams, Bristol UK, TV actress (‘Arya Stark’ on “Game of Thrones” since 2011)
SUNDAY:
NFL coach Bill Belichick (New England Patriots) is 65; Alt-rock singer David Pirner (Soul Asylum) is 53; Movie actor-comedian Martin Lawrence (“Bad Boys” films) is 52; TV actor Jon Cryer (“Two-and-a-Half Men”) is 52; Actor Lukas Haas (“The Revenant”) is 41.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the anniversary of the 1899 birth date of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Great Depression of the 1930s. A few facts …
– Among the proposed names for early versions of ‘Scrabble’ were ‘Lexiko’ and ‘Criss Cross Words’.
– After ‘Scrabble’ was trademarked in 1948, the game was manufactured by friends and family, who painstakingly stamped letters on wooden tiles one at a time. The rate of production: 12 games an hour.
– The game was just a fad with Butts’ friends until a Macy’s executive saw it being played at a resort in 1952 and the then-world’s largest department store soon began carrying it.

• “National Peach Cobbler Day”  A cobbler is a deep-dish fruit pie covered with a thick crust made from biscuit dough. (You had me at deep-dish.  And at thick crust.  And at biscuit dough.)

FRIDAY:
•“Good Friday”,  A Christian holiday commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his death at Calvary.
•“Look Up At the Sky Day”, a fun day to look upward and check out what’s there. You never know what might be going on: Clouds forming in interesting patterns, a flock of birds … duck!

SATURDAY:
• “National Eggs Benedict Day”, “National Glazed Spiral Ham Day” This could be the best day ever!
• “Husband Appreciation Day” (No, dear, I didn’t make that up.)

SUNDAY:
•“Easter Sunday”, A holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, described in the New Testament as having occurred on the third day of his burial after his crucifixion by the Romans at Calvary.  The earliest and latest dates for Easter are March 22 and  April 25.
•“National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day”, You know, if you work on Sundays…
•“National Librarian Day”, “National Stress Awareness Day”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
2000 [17] Metallica files a copyright infringement suit against online music-sharing service Napster, initiating a music industry backlash against free downloads

2009 [08] Late Beatle George Harrison’s widow Olivia and son Dhani are on hand to unveil his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Paul McCartney also makes a surprise appearance)

2015 [02] The UK’s first weekly ‘Vinyl Chart’ is launched by the Official Charts Company as sales of vinyl albums and singles continue to soar

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1997 [20] At age 21, Tiger Woods wins his 1st Master golf tournament, becoming the youngest player to do so (also sets a record by finishing at 18-under-par)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2006 [11] In Lincoln NE, Kevin Holder is arrested – again – for the 226th time (this one, for burglary, is added to his 43-page rap sheet)

BULL’S BITS:

BS EASTER TRADITIONS THAT NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON:
• Biting the head off chocolate larva.
• Pinning the tail on the Easter Bunny.
• Bad hare day.
• ‘Happy Keester’ cards.
• Bobbing for Easter chicks.
• The annual bunny-pellet hunt.
• Sitting on the stove to make ‘hot cross buns’.

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎If you could invent a holiday, what would it be?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question:  6% of parents say they’ve done THIS during an Easter Egg hunt. What is it?
A: Sprained their ankle!

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Cologne should be discovered, not announced.

BS SUBSCRIBER NOTE:
There will be no Bull Sheet on Friday April 14, Good Friday.  The Bull Sheet will return on Monday April 17.  All subscribers will receive an account credit for the missed service day.