Friday, April 15, 2011           Edition: #4485
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

“People” magazine has chosen 41-year-old “American Idol” judge Jennifer Lopez as its ‘Most Beautiful Person’ of 2011 (pretty on the outside, witchy on the inside) . . . It’s confirmed 41-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones (Mrs Michael Douglas) has been in an unidentified facility mental health facility seeking treatment for ‘Bipolar II’ disorder (after the year they’ve been through, a bout of depression is understandable) . . . 22-year-old “Twilight Saga” actor Jamie Campbell Bower (‘Caius’) has confirmed he’s engaged to 20-year-old “Harry Potter” actress Bonnie Wright (‘Ginny Weasley’) and they’re already planning a wedding (maybe they’ll merge the franchises?) . . . Reese Witherspoon says shooting her love scene with Robert Pattinson in the upcoming movie “Water for Elephants” (opening April 22nd) was ‘disgusting’ because he had a really bad cold at the time (ew, other icky bodily fluids!) . . . It’s been announced NBC-TV’s new “Wonder Woman” (Adrianne Palicki) will have a total of 3 superhero outfits (none of them appropriate for fighting crime) . . . 49-year-old Jeff Probst says he has no plans to replace Regis Philbin on his daytime talk show as rumored because he’s signed for 2 more seasons as “Survivor” host/producer (after which he can afford to retire on ‘the island’) . . . According to “Us Weekly”, 26-year-old Scarlett Johansson has already moved into 50-year-old boyfriend Sean Penn’s home (because he told her to and you should always obey your elders) . . . “People” is reporting that actor Bradley Cooper (36) & actress Jennifer Aniston (42) are ‘reconnecting’ (BS translation: Boinking) . . . And 33-year-old “Dancing With the Stars” pro dancer Karina Smirnoff is on the cover of today’s issue of “Playboy” magazine (inside, she’s uncovered).

• Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival (Indio CA) – The 3-day event is headlined by Arcade Fire, Kanye West, and Kings Of Leon. Also performing: Brandon Flowers, Cee Lo Green, Chemical Bros, Duran Duran, Interpol, Lauryn Hill, Mumford & Sons, and The Strokes, among others. A roller skating rink and a free grocery store shuttle are new to the venue this year.
• East Coast Music Awards – Sunday country singer George Canyon hosts the annual right coast honors in Charlottetown PEI. Singer/songwriter David Myles leads nominations with 5.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today British singer Jessie J performs “Do It Like a Dude” (“Who You Are”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Funeral Party (“Golden Age Of Knowhere”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Morning Benders (“Big Echo”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Tonight Chris Cornell (Soundgarden, ex-Audioslave).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/A Channel) – Today Jordan Knight (New Kids On the Block).
• Nashville Film Festival (Nashville TN) – Tonight Kris Kristofferson is presented the ‘2011 Career Achievement Award’, followed by a screening of his new movie “Bloodworth”.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Gwyneth Paltrow (“Country Strong”); musical guest Cee Lo Green (“The Lady Killer”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today guest host Gloria Estefan.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight English singer/songwriter Eliza Doolittle (today is her 22nd birthday).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – This morning kd lang (“Sing It Loud”).

• Donny Osmond – Saturday he begins hosting his own radio show on 96.2 The Revolution in suburban Manchester, England. (The test-market for a new career?)
• Gretchen Wilson – She performs a free Saturday night infield concert on the eve of the Aaron’s 499 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race in Talladega, Alabama. Sunday country singer Ashton Shepherd performs the pre-race anthem (FOX).
• Neil Young – Tonight in Durham, North Carolina he embarks on a month-long solo tour.
• Nirvana – Saturday The Experience Music Project in Seattle, Washington unveils “Nirvana: Taking Punk to the Masses”, an extensive 2-year exhibit of band memorabilia, including instruments, Kurt Cobain’s handwritten lyrics, and candid photos.
• Rush – Tonight they film their “Time Machine Tour” concert in Cleveland, Ohio for a future DVD release.
• Shakira – At a concert in Monterrey, Mexico she had a ring stolen – right off her finger – while walking through the audience performing. And so what does she do? She just keeps walking!
• Tea Party – Singer/guitarist Jeff Martin is getting his rock power trio back together for their first gig in 6 years at this year’s “Bayfest” in Sarnia ON (July 9th). They’re expected to also play other festivals this Summer.

• “Rio” ( G-Rated Animated Adventure ): Jesse Eisenberg (“The Social Network”) voices the role of ‘Blu’, a domesticated macaw from small-town Minnesota who takes off on an adventure to Rio de Janeiro with ‘Jewel’, the bird of his dreams (Anne Hathaway). Voice cast also includes Jamie Foxx, Jane Lynch (“Glee”), Will I Am (Black Eyed Peas). From the makers of “Ice Age”.
• “Scream 4” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): Director Wes Craven carves through a fresh nubile generation of stars, including Kristen Bell, Emma Roberts, and Hayden Panettiere. Franchise staples Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette are also back in ‘Woodsboro’ for this sequel set 10 years after ‘Ghostface’s’ last appearance. Shot in Detroit, Michigan & area.

“Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, Part 1” ( PG-13 Fantasy Adventure ): Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson return in the first of a 2-part adaptation of the 7th and final book in the series, which finds ‘Harry’ and ‘Lord Voldemort’ on a collision course. ‘Part 2’ is coming July 15th.

People in Mexico work the longest days and those in Belgium the shortest, according to a new study of 29 industrialized countries released by the Organization for Economic Co-operation & Development. The stereotype of Mexicans enjoying a laid-back ‘mañana’ culture is totally refuted by the findings, which show they toil for 10 hours a day on average in paid and unpaid work, such as household chores. Belgians work just 7, an hour less than the average in most other OECD countries. (The individual who works the longest overall is that guy that does the all-night show in Tromsö, Norway … in the Winter.)
– Thomson Reuters

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … people in messy environments tend to compensate for that disorder by categorizing people in their minds according to well-known stereotypes. The study at Tilburg University in the Netherlands also suggests the reverse is true: People in tidy environments are more open-minded about things like race, religion, and sexuality. (Let’s houseclean Alabama!)
– “Los Angeles Times”
• Scientists say … young people worldwide show signs of addiction to electronic media. In experiments, University of Maryland researchers have found that students around-the-world react almost identically when they are abruptly unplugged from smartphones, MP3s, etc, describing themselves as feeling anxious, irritable, lonely, and paranoid. (Someday they’ll laugh about all this … but not yet.)
– United Press International
• Scientists say … they are baffled as to what continues to cause a large number of young penguins to lose their feathers. P Dee Boersma of the Wildlife Conservation Society says the feather-loss disorder first emerged in Cape Town, South Africa back in 2006. (As you know, naked chicks tend to unsettle science nerds.)

UK-based dating website matches up potential partners based on their taste in music. For a new poll it asked users how far they’d likely go on a first date, then matched the answers with the respondents’ favorite music artists. The results seem to show whose fans are friskiest …
5. Kings Of Leon
4. Katy Perry
3. Lady Gaga
2. Adele
1. Coldplay
5. Gorillaz
4. Kanye West
3. Linkin Park
2. Metallica
1. Nirvana
(Somebody ought to try this with country artists.)


1959 [52] Emma Thompson, London UK, movie actress (“Harry Potter & The Order Of the Phoenix”, 1992 Oscar-“Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (1995 Oscar-“Sense & Sensibility”)

1968 [43] Ed O’Brien, Oxford UK, rock guitarist (Radiohead-“House of Cards”, Creep”)

1982 [29] Seth Rogen, Vancouver BC, movie actor (“Pineapple Express”, “Knocked Up”)/screenwriter (“Drillbit Taylor”, “Superbad”)/TV comedy writer (“Da Ali G Show” 2003-04)

1984 [27] De’Mar Hamilton, Chicago IL, rock drummer (Plain White T’s-“1,2,3,4”, “Hey There Delilah”)

1990 [21] Emma Watson, Paris, France, movie actress (‘Hermione Granger’ in “Harry Potter” films, “The Tale of Despereaux”)

Pope Benedict XVI is 84; Movie actress Ellen Barkin (“Ocean’s Thirteen”) is 57; Alt-rock singer David Pirner (Soul Asylum) is 47; Movie actor/comedian Martin Lawrence (“Bad Boys”) is 46; TV actor Jon Cryer (“Two-and-a-Half Men”) is 46.

Sports commentator Boomer Esiason (“The NFL Today on CBS”) is 50; Rock singer Maynard James Keenan (Tool) is 47; Pop singer Liz Phair (“Why Can’t I?”) is 44; Movie actress Jennifer Garner (“Juno”) is 39; Famous person Victoria Beckham (ex-Spice Girls) is 37.

• “Gripers’ Day”, a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances such as …
– Co-workers who don’t clear their settings on the office photocopier.
– Co-workers who bring in smelly lunches, such as a can of tuna.
– People who don’t buy a round at the office Happy Hour.
• “Take a Wild Guess Day”, honoring hunches, guesses, speculation, and other forms of intuitive intelligence.
• “That Sucks Day”, the 7th annual celebrating failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, mediocrity, apathy, chaos, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. A few cosmic constants that suck …

• “Auctioneers Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Saturday of April (do we hear 4?) to honor the traditional profession of auctioneering. Charity auctions celebrate the day by raising funds for various causes.
• “Husband Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Saturday of April as a day to appreciate your mate for all that he is and all the things he does for you. “Wife Appreciation Day” is coming up in September.
• “Record Store Day”, the 4th annual observed by more than 1,000 independently-owned music stores worldwide with the purpose of celebrating ‘the culture they offer and unique place they occupy in their communities’. Special releases to honor the occasion include Foo Fighters’ “Medium Rare”, a vinyl-only compilation of cover tunes; 3 Nickel Creek albums on deluxe vinyl; Gorillaz’ previously digital-only album “The Fall” on vinyl; a limited-edition 12-inch vinyl single from Radiohead; Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ first 2 albums on  limited-edition colored vinyl; and a series of Warner Bros special vinyl albums & singles (Deftones, Eric Clapton, Fleetwood Mac, REM, etc).
• “Teach Your Daughter to Volunteer Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Saturday in April to encourage awareness of volunteerism. Red high-heels are the symbol of the young woman stepping out with enthusiasm, compassion, and charity to volunteer in her community.

• “Nosy Neighbor Appreciation Day”, a day to salute with a laugh the prying nature of those who continually insist on peeking-a-boo to find out what’s cooking in the neighborhood.
• “Pink Moon”, the Full Moon of April, so-named due to the herb Moss Pink, or Wild Ground Phlox, one of the earliest widespread flowers of Spring. Other names have included the ‘Sprouting Grass Moon’, the ‘Egg Moon’, and the ‘Fish Moon’.
• “Semana Santa” begins in cities across Spain on “Palm Sunday”, particularly in Seville. Throughout “Holy Week”, church brotherhoods stage processions through the streets, dressed in long robes & pointed hoods. Some processions go all night by candlelight, some are carried out in silence, some march to a spooky drum beat. (If you’ve ever seen it, you’ll never forget it!)
• “World Hemophilia Day”, a day of awareness of the genetic disorder that impairs the body’s ability to control bleeding through clotting or coagulation.

1982 [29] Jay Leno makes his first guest appearance on “Late Night With David Letterman” (little realizing he’d someday be the competition)

2001 [10] Punk rock pioneer Joey Ramone (The Ramones) dies at age 49

1934 [77] Shankweiler’s Drive-In opens in Orefield PA, the oldest, continuously running drive-in movie theater (home of 23,481 backseat conceptions!)

1955 [56] 1st McDonald’s franchise opens in Des Plaines IL (hamburgers sell for a measly 15 cents, fries for 10 cents)

1975 [36] Canada’s 1st government-operated lottery ($1-million ‘Olympic Lottery’)

2010 [01] Volcanic ash from the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull in Iceland leads to the closure of airports over most of Europe

[Mon] IRS Income Tax Payday
[Mon] Stress Awareness Day
[Mon] Passover begins at sundown (Jewish)
[Mon] Boston Marathon
[Mon] Adult Autism Day
[Mon] International Amateur Radio Day
This Week Is … Building Safety Week
This Month Is … STD Awareness Month


• ‘The Twist’ [Dance Craze]
• ‘The Rustic’ [Kama Sutra]
• ‘The Foot Yoke’ [Kama Sutra]
• ‘The Watusi’ [Dance Craze]
• ‘The Stride’ [Kama Sutra]
• ‘The Mashed Potato’ [Dance Craze]
• ‘The Monkey Shine’ [Dance Craze]
• ‘The Clinging Creeper’ [Kama Sutra]
• ‘The Peacock’ [Kama Sutra]
• ‘The Switch-a-Roo’ [Dance Craze]
– Thanks to Rachel Good

[After embarrassing comment] It seems I have a speech impediment … my foot!

Which household chore burns the most calories?
a. Cooking.
b. Dusting.
c. Grocery Shopping. [CORRECT. 20 minutes of grocery shopping burns 84 calories.]
– “Vitality Magazine”

Today’s Question: Guys with THIS occupation are the #1 dating ‘no-no’ cited by women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Mortician.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

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