Monday, April 15, 2013           Edition: #4963

Sheet Happens!

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✳ Actor Matt Damon & wife Luciana Barroso renewed their wedding vows over the weekend on the Caribbean island of St Lucia. Despite a reported $600,000-price tag and extremely tight security, the ceremony remained an intimate affair for family and close friends, including Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner as well as Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones. The couple first wed in a modest civil ceremony in NYC in 2005. (One day she says, “Honey, I never got to wear a fancy gown the first time …” Next day, you’re out 600-large.)
✳ What does one of television’s hottest stars watch on TV? “Mad Men” actor Jon Hamm (‘Don Draper’) says he’s fascinated by the Brit drama series “Downton Abbey” and makes sure to catch up on it whenever he can. He also admits that, though he was years late getting into the acclaimed crime drama “The Wire” (2002-08), he eventually ended up watching the entire 5 seasons over the course of 2 weeks. (What series have you wasted a ‘lost weekend’ on?)
– “Us Weekly”
✳ Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne are reportedly living apart and haven’t seen each other in weeks. The couple – who’ve been married 31 years – are apparently living at separate addresses 2 miles apart in Beverly Hills CA. She shoots her daytime TV show “The Talk” 4 days-a-week and he’s been rehearsing for the Black Sabbath tour, but an insider says they’ve both had days off and have still not seen one another. A spokesman for Sharon refutes the story, saying “the marriage is NOT on the rocks”. (BS translation: It’s in the middle of a hurricane.)
– “The Sun on Sunday”
✳ The seemingly interminable Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce saga continues. On Friday, Humphries failed to appear in court for a mandatory hearing before their case proceeds to trial. The Brooklyn Nets player blamed his absence on a delayed flight to LA. At this point it’s unclear if he’ll be sanctioned for the no-show. That will be decided at yet another hearing this Friday. Meanwhile, the official trial date remains set for May 6th. (Marriage: 72 days. Divorce: 72 years.)
✳ And the “Veronica Mars” movie has officially become the most-supported project ever on fundraising website after sailing past 88,000 backers. Series creator Rob Thomas launched his plan last month to raise $2 million for the film from online donations. Fans pitched in half of that in just 5 hours. The fundraising officially ceased at 11pm EDT Friday night after more than $5.5 million had been raised. The previous record for total Kickstarter backers was held by the videogame “Double Fine Adventure” with 87,142. (Can you fund a new car?)

• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – (“#willpower”, out April 19th).
• “Dallas” (TNT) – The double-episode 2nd season finalé.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – The 9 remaining couples hit the dance floor in ‘Len’s Side-By-Side Challenge’, performing alongside a pro dance couple.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Jake Bugg (“Jake Bugg”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Yeah Yeah Yeahs (“Mosquito”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Family Of the Year (“Loma Vista”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Dee Snider (“Twisted Sister”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Josh Ritter (“Beast In Its Tracks”). Rerun.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Michael Bolton (“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough: A Tribute to Hitsville”). Rerun.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – José James (“No Beginning No End”). Rerun.
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – The battle rounds begin as celebrity advisers help the coaches decide which artists to keep.

• The Band Perry – They have this week’s top country album with their 2nd release, “Pioneer”.
• Beyoncé – The Canadian twins behind the Dsquared2 clothing line, Dean & Dan Caten, have been called upon by the pop diva to create a look for her upcoming 5-month-long “Mrs Carter Show” world tour.
• Jay-Z – He has to sell off his share of the Brooklyn Nets to make his move into becoming a sports agent for athletes, as per NBA rules. That’s one of the issues referenced in his new track “Open Letter”.
• Justin Timberlake – He reportedly wants to buy a London pub. Word has it he’s looking to close a deal on one when he’s in town for the Yahoo! Wireless Festival this July.
• Kelly Clarkson – She’s revealed in an online chat that she’s recording a Christmas album. Ronnie Dunn (formerly of Brooks & Dunn) has mentioned on Facebook that he’ll be on it.
• Ke$ha – Quote: “Ever since I wrote a song about dismembering men and eating them I’ve felt an intimidation factor.”
• Metallica – They’re getting their own pinball game, featuring classic tunes like “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, “Master Of Puppets”, and “Enter Sandman”. The machine is likely to make an appearance at their 2nd annual Orion Music + More festival in Detroit MI June 8-9.
• Paul McCartney – Yesterday’s annual ‘Rich List’ in the UK’s “Sunday Times” estimates his fortune at $1.05 billion, easily making him Britain’s wealthiest musician. It’s a title he’s held ever since they began making the list in 1989.
• Phoenix – Much to everyone’s disbelief, embattled R&B singer R Kelly came out to join them on his hit “Ignition” during the band’s headlining slot Saturday night at the Coachella Festival.
• Prince – Tonight in Vancouver he kicks off a West Coast tour of clubs, playing two shows per night. The mini-tour also hits Seattle, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Diego, and Anaheim before wrapping up in May.
• Radiohead – Thom Yorke was born with his right eye fixed shut. Even after corrective surgery it was still unbalanced compared to his left. He admits he was self-conscious about it as a teen but got a confidence boost when a drunken woman once told him it was his ‘best feature’.

A study at the University of St Gallen in Switzerland compares the personalities of stock traders and hospitalized psychopaths using simulations and intelligence tests. The researchers have actually found that the behavior of the professional traders is ‘more reckless and manipulative’ than that of the psychopaths. (Explains a lot.)

It seems online friendships are increasingly being cut short by rudeness and traded insults. Highlights of a new poll on the topic …
• 78% of those surveyed agree there’s been an increase in rudeness online.
• Most respondents say people are more likely to be less polite online than in person.
• 20% have reduced face-to-face contact with someone after having an online run-in.

A few US medical institutions have thrown open their doors to patients’ dogs and cats, letting them visit along with spouses, children and friends. A doctor’s order allowing the visit is typically necessary, as is a veterinarian’s attestation that the animal is healthy and up-to-date on all its shots. Dogs are the most common visitors, by far. (“Spot! Spot! Come back with that spleen! Bad dog!”)

• Create More Energy – Performing a few quick exercises can help get your blood moving and wake you up. A standing desk can help energize you as well.
• Make Meetings Worthwhile – Make sure they have a very specific agenda. Try going outside and taking a walking meeting.
• Become an Overachiever – Not only will it keep you engaged, it’ll earn some brownie points.
• Get New Responsibilities – See if you can negotiate a change in your job description.
• Make Your Workspace Less Boring – Lighting makes a big difference, as does better furniture, a few plants, and other decor items.
• Take Web Breaks – The occasional web surfing break actually increases productivity.
• Use Your Boredom – Studies show that letting your mind wander can help boost creative ideas.
• Quit! – If all else fails, the ultimate way to cure boredom is to kick your soul-crushing job to the curb permanently.

Golfer Tiger Woods’ favorite day off activity is going underwater speargun fishing.


1959 [54] Emma Thompson, London UK, movie actress (“Harry Potter & The Order Of the Phoenix”, 1992 Oscar-“Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (1995 Oscar-“Sense & Sensibility”)

1968 [45] Ed O’Brien, Oxford UK, rock guitarist (Radiohead-“House of Cards”, “Creep”)

1982 [31] Seth Rogen, Vancouver BC, movie actor (“Pineapple Express”, “Knocked Up”)/screenwriter (“Drillbit Taylor”, “Superbad”)/TV comedy writer (“Da Ali G Show” 2003-04)

1984 [29] De’Mar Hamilton, Chicago IL, rock drummer (Plain White T’s-“1,2,3,4”, “Hey There Delilah”)

1990 [23] Emma Watson, Paris, France, movie actress (“The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, “Harry Potter” films)  UP NEXT: Sofia Coppola’s “The Bling Ring”, opening June 14th.

• “Boston Marathon”, the 117th running of the world’s oldest and most prestigious marathon, an annual event on the “Patriots’ Day” holiday in Massachusetts.

• “Gripers’ Day”, a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances such as …
– Plastic tags that connect new shoes so when you try them on you look like ‘Quasimodo’.
– Those little dryer sheets that get stuck in your underwear.
– Corks that break when opening wine bottles.
– You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
– The stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
– You finally get the nerve to go to the nude beach and it’s ‘Seniors Day’.

• “IRS Income Tax Day” in the USA. (Uncle Sam wants you money.)

• “Rubber Eraser Day”, honoring English chemist Joseph Priestley’s 1770 discovery that a small cube of latex could be used to correct boo-boos. He coined the word ‘eraser’. (Don’t forget your rubbers!)

• “Take a Wild Guess Day”, honoring hunches, guesses, speculation, and other forms of intuitive intelligence.

• “That Sucks Day”, the 9th annual celebrating failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, mediocrity, apathy, chaos, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery.

1982 [31] Jay Leno makes his first guest appearance on “Late Night With David Letterman” (little realizing he’d someday be the competition, and then retire before Letterman)

1947 [66] Jackie Robinson becomes the 1st to break Major League Baseball’s so-called ‘color barrier’ (leads to the 2013 movie “42”)

[Tues] All For the Hall Concert (Nashville TN)
[Tues] Healthcare Decisions Day
[Tues] Library Workers Day
[Tues] Stress Awareness Day
[Wed] Bat Appreciation Day
[Wed] Haiku Poetry Day
[Wed] Nothing Like a Dame Day

Building Safety Week / Crime Victims Rights Week / Environmental Education Week / Health Information Privacy & Security Week / International Whistlers Week / Library Week / 9-1-1 Operators Week / Pan American Week / Robotics Week / Undergraduate Research Week / Week Of the Young Child


Highlight bits culled from 20 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
Today is the birth anniversary of Leonardo da Vinci (April 15, 1452), the Italian painter and scientist credited with envisioning numerous inventions like the helicopter and optical lenses. But were you aware he likely never thought of these too?
✓ 3-Speed Back Shaver
✓ Tub Toaster
✓ Steel Bristle Retina Brush
✓ Glow-in-the-Dark Sundial
✓ Vibrating Pocket-Buddy
✓ The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
✓ Armpit-Scented Deodorant
✓ Home Theater Audio System That Automatically Adds an Italian Accent
– First published in “BS” 1997.

These movie lines have become so famous most people know them. Trouble is, they were never actually uttered on film …
✗ “Casablanca” (1942): “Play it again, Sam.” Humphrey Bogart actually says, “You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can.”
✗ “Blonde Crazy” (1931): “You dirty rat!” The closest James Cagney ever actually gets to saying that line is, “Mmm, that dirty, double-crossing rat.”
✗ “Star Trek”: “Beam Me Up, Scotty!” Never said by ‘Captain Kirk’ in all those movies based on the TV series. Closest he got: “Scotty, beam me up!”
✗ “Apollo 13” (1995): “Houston, we have a problem.” What was actually said was, “Houston, we’ve had a problem.”
✗ “Dirty Harry” (1971): “Do you feel lucky, punk?” Clint Eastwood’s actual line: “Being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?”
– First published in “BS” 2008.

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

Here’s website where you can go for all your spell-casting and voodoo needs …

In 1884 the first one was called a ‘Gravity Pleasure Switchback Railway’. What do we call it nowadays?
a. Escalator.
b. Roller Coaster. [CORRECT]
c. Lionel Toy Train.

Question: About a quarter of Internet users admit they’ve done THIS at least once.
Answer: Pretended to be a member of the opposite sex.

It’s easy to suggest the solution when you don’t know the problem.

Clinton Lang @ West Coast FM Windhoek, Namibia; Bradley Vogels @ Sonic Radio, Perth WA Australia; Miss Neka @ Tha1Radio, San Antonio TX USA; Jordan McKay @ Kool 105 [KXKL] Denver CO USA; and Luciana Bosio @ El Rey [KKMO] Seattle WA USA.

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