Wednesday, April 20, 2011       Edition #4488
Bully For You!

Tonight actress Minka Kelly makes her NYC stage debut in the off-Broadway hit “Love, Loss, And What I Wore” (what gets a former “Friday Night Lights” actress a plum role – dating NY Yankee Derek Jeter) . . . Sorta-actor David Arquette (“Scream 4”) says he’s tired of talking about his relationship with his ex, Courteney Cox (good, cuz we’re really tired of listening!) . . . In the new issue of “Esquire”, 23-year-old “True Blood” actress Evan Rachel Wood reveals she’s an equal-opportunity lover by coming out as bisexual (FYI: She says she’s ‘the guy’) . . . 32-year-old actress Kate Hudson, who’s expecting a child via rocker-boyfriend Matt Bellamy (The Muse), tells “Extra” that ‘pregnant mush-brain’ leaves her feeling ‘stoned’ (she used to say dumb stuff like this even before she was pregnant) . . . “Living With Elizabeth Hurley”, a British reality TV series about actress Liz Hurley’s life on her farm has been pulled from the broadcast schedule amid buzz it’s being re-edited to remove her estranged hubby Arun Nayar (sorta like Photoshopping your Facebook pics to delete your ex) . . . And a publicist for 25-year-old actress Mischa Barton (“The OC” and, more recently, “The OC”) say she is NOT endorsing a vibrator currently on sale in China, even though her face appears on the packaging (too bad, it’s the best publicity she’s had in years!).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Contestants perform ‘Songs From the 21st Century’.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The Strokes (“Angles”).
• Dove Awards (Atlanta) – Tonight the 42nd annual Gospel Music Association awards are handed out, with Chris Tomlin and Toby Mac leading nominations with 6 apiece. The recorded gala airs on Easter Sunday (GMC).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Lenka (“Two”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Royal Bangs (“Flux Outside”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/A Channel) – Adam Levine (Maroon 5).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Country/folk veteran Emmylou Harris.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Peter, Bjorn & John (“Gimme Some”).
• Tribeca Film Festival (NYC) – Director Cameron Crowe’s new documentary, “The Union”, chronicling the musical collaboration between Elton John & Leon Russell, opens the 2011 fest. Elton John performs a live concert after tonight’s screening.

• Blink-182 – They’ve postponed their entire tour of UK/Ireland, including a number of festival dates because recording their new album is taking longer than thought. It won’t be out till later this year.
• Foo Fighters – According to the “Los Angeles Times”, “Walk” from their new album “Wasting Light” will be prominently featured in the upcoming “Thor” movie, opening May 6th.
• Kanye West – The reason his stage outfit at the “Coachella Festival” resembled a mini muu-muu is because it’s from a Celine women’s wear collection. According to Kanye, fashion has no gender.
• Kings Of Leon – They’ve buried the hatchet with “Glee” creator Ryan Murphy over their refusal to allow their music on his show. Murphy recently apologized for negative comments he made and singer Caleb Followill tells “Rolling Stone” he’s happy with that and won’t hold a grudge.
• Rihanna – UK’s “Sun” reports she has a secret family in Barbados … 2 sisters and a brother from her father Ronald Fenty’s womanizing past. The 3 older siblings are apparently each from different mothers.
• Tim McGraw – The country star says he’s very low maintenance. He’s only ever had one facial in his life and gives himself manicures by … biting his nails. And he never Googles himself because he can barely turn a computer on.

• Brazilian police will use futuristic “RoboCop”-style glasses fitted with facial recognition equipment to identify troublemakers at the 2014 World Cup. The hi-tech eyewear can capture 400 facial images per second and send them to a central computer which will immediately signal any matches to its database of known criminals. A red signal in the eyeglasses will then alert the police officer on the scene of the need to take action.
– “Daily Telegraph”
• Police in Rhode Island say a thief who charged $2,400 to a Narragansett woman’s credit card had the cojones to use the card to send flowers and a thank-you note to the victim’s home. Bank of America investigators discovered the suspicious charges to her credit card, which included $65 for flowers sent to her home with an accompanying note reading, ‘thnx for ur money’.
• An Arizona man who bit back after he was caught by a police dog is suing police. The 33-year-old alleges the dog violated his civil rights and used excessive force to capture him after he ran from officers during a burglary investigation in Glendale. Cops say the man bit the dog back, injuring it. Whether or not he wins the lawsuit, the convicted burglar is serving 8 years in the slammer.
– Associated Press

Never mind working on the pecs, guys … it’s your shoes that impress women! Footwear outranks body and personality, according to a recent poll by the ‘Mates’ condom company. 4-out-of-5 women surveyed say that shoes are what they look for, and 2-out-of-3 say style and cleanliness are important indicators of what a man is like … both in and out of bed. (They’re only looking at the shoes for size.)
– PA News

‘The Numi’, Kohler’s new ‘smart toilet’ is set to debut at the end of the month. Among the opulent appliance’s features …
• Hands-free motion sensors that open and close the lid.
• Embedded deodorizers with charcoal filters.
• Adjustable controls for temperature and water pressure.
• Heating elements to keep your toes and tush toasty.
• A self-cleaning bidet.
• An illuminated panel for nighttime engagements.
• Built-in speakers with pre-programmed radio stations.
• A detachable touchscreen remote control.
In short, ‘The Numi’ does just about everything for you … aside from the stuff only you can do. MSRP: $6,400.

With sales to tens-of-millions of men, the market for drugs to correct erectile dysfunction has now surpassed $5 billion-a-year. But the so-called ‘little blue pill’ is soon going to have some competition as pharmaceutical firm Pfizer’s patent on Viagra ends next year, meaning lower-priced generics are likely on the horizon. Not wanting to lose their share of the market, Pfizer is looking to market something even simpler … Viagra gum. (You just ‘chew it up’.)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Microwork’ – A short, simple task that a company outsources for a small fee, particularly to workers in the Third World.
• ‘Pancake People’ – Internet users who read widely, but without any depth.
• ‘Revenge Surgery’ – Cosmetic surgery arranged by newly divorced women as a way of coping and feeling they’re getting back the time they spent married. Husbands often unwittingly foot all or part of the bill through alimony payments.

In her new book, “Consider It Done: Accomplish 228 of Life’s Trickiest Tasks”, author Julie Subotky offers this advice for people caught not paying attention …
• Respond as if you were paying attention and heard the question but didn’t quite understand what it meant. Say, “I’m not exactly sure what you mean by that” or something similar.
• Say you agree with what the previous speaker said, but were hoping they could elaborate.
• Change the topic by having prepared something to say beforehand and respond: “Before we talk about that, can I ask a question about …”
• As a preventive measure, speak up voluntarily early in class. Chances are you won’t get called on again the same day.

Highlights of a magazine survey of women about marriage …
• 76% say that, if they had a chance to do it all over, they’d marry the same man again.
• 16% say that, given a second chance, they’d pick a different husband.
• 8% say that, with the knowledge gained by hindsight, they wouldn’t get married … period.
– “Ladies’ Home Journal”

• Only 1% of MLB baseball fans are ‘completely content’ with all the various costs involved in attending a ball game.  (Likely because they’re in corporate boxes.)
• A Dutch medical poll has found that over 4% of male physicians in the Netherlands admit to having sexual contact with up to 3 patients each. (“Say ooohhhhh … I mean ahhhh.”)


1949 [62] Jessica Lange, Cloquet MN, movie actress (Oscars-“Blue Sky”, “Tootsie”)

1972 [39] Carmen Electra (Tara Leigh Patrick), Sharonville OH, movie actress (“Meet the Spartans”, “Scary Movie”)/ex-Mrs Dave Navarro (2003-07)/ex-Mrs Dennis Rodman (1998-99)

1978 [33] Clay Cook, Snellville GA, country musician (Zac Brown Band-“Colder Weather”, “Chicken Fried”)

1983 [28] Miranda Kerr, Sydney, Australia, fashion model (Victoria’s Secret)/wed to movie actor Orlando Bloom (2010)

• “420” or “Pot Smokers Day”, the unofficial holiday of potheads. A few facts …
– ‘Four-twenty’ became an emblematic number for dopers in the 1970s. It comes from the time 4:20 pm, the secret ‘burn time’ originated by a group of pot-smoking students at California’s San Rafael High School back in 1971. (“High Times”)
– Nowadays many tokers celebrate on April 20, preferably at 4:20 pm. (
– Marijuana is the most lucrative domestic crop in the US, worth almost $36 billion in … more than corn and wheat combined. (

• “Lima Bean Respect Day”, a day of appreciation for the legume many people hate. Maybe we could start by pronouncing it correctly … LEEM-uh bean?

• “Look-Alike Day”, a day for people who are constantly mistaken for rich and famous celebrities to have some recognition of their own. So who do people say you look like?

• “Volunteer Recognition Day”, honoring the legions of volunteers who dedicate themselves to causes and helping people, animals, and nature.

1992 [19] Madonna becomes ‘Highest-Paid Female Recording Star’ with Time-Warner deal to form her own entertainment company (Maverick)

1912 [99] Boston’s elegant new baseball stadium, Fenway Park, opens (Red Sox edge NY Yankees 7-6)

2008 [03] Danica Patrick wins “Indy Japan 300”, becoming the 1st female driver in history to win an Indy car race

1992 [19] World record ‘House of Cards’ measures 75-feet-high

2010 [01] An explosion on the BP-operated ‘Deepwater Horizon’ drilling rig leads to the sinking of the rig on April 22nd, spilling an estimated 4-to-5 million barrels of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico (largest offshore oil spill in America; 5th largest oil spill of all-time)

[Thurs] High Five Day
[Thurs] Kindergarten Day
[Thurs] Teach Your Children to Save Day
[Fri] Earth Day
[Fri] Good Friday (Christian)
[Fri] Jelly Bean Day
[Fri] “African Cats”; “Madea’s Big Happy Family”; “Water for Elephants” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Karaoke Week
This Month Is … Emotional Overeating Awareness Month


• If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit. So eat as many as you want.
• Eat chocolate before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
• Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
• Put ‘Eat Chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.

I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named ‘Occupant’, and they’re still forwarding my mail.

• How much do the ashes of the average cremated person weigh?
a. 1-to-3 lbs.
b. 4-to-8 lbs. [CORRECT. If you make an ash of yourself, that’s about what you’ll weigh.]
c. 9-to-12 lbs.

• What seafood menu item has 3 dozen eyes in its original form?
a. Shrimp.
b. Scallops. [CORRECT. They can have 36 tiny blue eyes … or even more. Yummy!]
c. Lobster.

• What exactly is coral?
a. An animal. [CORRECT. Minute animals called polyps living together in massive colonies. Hard coral is the skeleton of the polyps.]
b. A plant.
c. A rock.

Today’s Question: You likely have a favorite one of THESE that, on average, you’ll use 2,100 times before replacing.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Coffee mug.

You are not stuck in the traffic. You ARE the traffic.

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