Wednesday, April 27, 2011                Edition: #4493

Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

Actress Lindsay Lohan’s next role will be that of a janitor at the Los Angeles County Morgue, where a quarter of the community service hours in her sentence will be performed (she says she’s getting ‘stiffed’) . . . Meantime, Lohan received a standing ovation when she walked onto the set of “The Tonight Show” last night (Leno apparently won the battle to get her because she’s ‘grateful’ for the way he’s treated her over the years) . . . Ryan Phillippe says his recent quote about quitting acting was ‘taken out of context’ (actually we thought he quit acting back when he was in “Cruel Intentions”) . . . The last will & testament of screen legend Elizabeth Taylor shows she’s left $800,000 to her 8th husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky (thereby increasing his lifetime earnings by tenfold) . . . Reality TV star Kim Kardashian has done a bikini photoshoot for UK “Cosmopolitan” (did they have to use the back cover as well?) . . . 24-year-old reality TV star Kristin Cavallari (“The Hills”) is set to wed after her NFL QB-boyfriend Jay Cutler (Chicago Bears) proposed during a recent vacation to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (that’ll be one ‘reception’ he can actually make) . . . ‘Boston Rob’ Mariano, who may be the only reason to watch “Survivor” (CBS) this season, is getting his own reality show, “Around the World in 80 Ways” (History Channel), a competition to travel the globe using 80 different modes of transportation – without ever repeating one (this sounds like a nifty idea for a contest involving morning commuters!).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The 6 remaining contestants sing the music of Carole King.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Taio Cruz (“Rokstarr”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Alison Krauss & Union Station (“Paper Airplane”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Augustana (“All The Stars & Boulevards”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Hours (“See the Light”); Lykke Li (“Wounded Rhymes”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Dispatch (“Zimbabwe: Live at Madison Square Garden”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Emmylou Harris (“Hard Bargain”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/A Channel) – James Blunt performs “If Time is All I Have”.
• “Today” (NBC) – The Band Perry perform their country hit “You Lie”; nominees for the 2011 CMT Music Awards are announced.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Blues legend Buddy Guy.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Tim McGraw (“Number One Hits”).
• “The Voice” (NBC) – The judges each pick 8 vocalists to mentor.

• Britney Spears – Her tour rider reportedly stipulates she’s NOT allowed to be in the same room as hot dogs, pizza, or cookie-dough ice cream.
• Elton John – He & partner David Furnish are regularly having breast milk Fedex-ed in for baby son Zachary from wherever the biological mother happens to be.
• Green Day – The producers of their Broadway musical “American Idiot” have announced the show will do a national tour this December followed by productions in Europe, Japan, and Australia. A movie version of the show is also being developed.
• Dierks Bentley – In the May issue of “Esquire” magazine he says the secret to songwriting is to be original and avoid the generic. Quote: “The only reason Justin Bieber can get away with a whole chorus that uses only the words ‘baby’ and ‘ooh’ is because he’s Justin Bieber.”
• Kenny Chesney – “Live a Little” will become his 22nd #1 hit when “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Country Songs’ chart is officially released tomorrow.
• Kings Of Leon – They’ve announced a 29-city North American tour that will kick off July 25th in Orange Beach, Alabama.
• Lady Gaga – The video for her new single, “Judas”, will have its debut during “American Idol” (FOX) next week.
• Maroon 5/Train – Their 40-plus date co-headlining North American tour begins July 22nd in Chula Vista, California. Gavin DeGraw is the opening act on the tour’s first leg.
• Pearl Jam – Director Cameron Crowe tells “Rolling Stone” his upcoming documentary about the band will debut in September. Crowe is whittling down 18-20 hours of archival footage provided by the band, along with new material shot in 2009-10.
• The Strokes – They’ve returned to the studio to begin recording new music just a month after making their comeback with “Angles”, their first album in 5 years.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Lycra Lout’ – An aggressively rude or reckless cyclist. (“I almost plowed into a utility pole after that lycra lout made a left turn in front of me without signaling.”)
• ‘Promzilla’ – A high school girl who, while planning for her prom, becomes exceptionally selfish, difficult, and obnoxious. (“We ended up spending 500 bucks on a dress on eBay in order to satisfy our little promzilla.”)
• ‘Weisure’ – A combination of work plus leisure that captures the blurred boundaries between activities performed in the workplace and elsewhere. (“The good news is, we’re going to a cabin in the mountains for the weekend. The bad news is, it’s a weisure trip for the entire sales staff.”)


Yesterday Facebook launched ‘Deals’ in 5 test markets (Atlanta, Austin, Dallas, San Diego, San Francisco), a new feature to directly compete with Groupon. The local discount offers made to ‘Deals’ users are delivered via email and also appear in users’ news feeds. Any Facebook user can sign up for ‘Deals’ notifications. Examples of the discounts being offered: unlimited bowling for 6 for an evening at $60 (75% off) and a luxury winery tour with 25% off all wine purchases for $50. Users can buy ‘Deals’ using Facebook Credits or with major credit cards. (A great idea or just more junk in your inbox?)


In his bestseller “Outliers: The Story of Success”, author Malcolm Gladwell proposes the theory that anyone can become great at anything as long as they put in 10,000 hours honing the skill.
Dan McLaughlin of Portland, Oregon has decided to put that idea to the test by attempting to become a pro golfer … just by trying. On his 30th birthday, he quit his job and committed to practicing and playing golf 6 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 6 years. He is keeping diligent records of his progress. (What if your goal is to be pretty?)
– “St Petersburg Times”


‘Better Place’ is a start-up company that makes electric cars and much more. It’s also developing the entire infrastructure intended to free autos from the limits of battery life. When the enterprise launches in Israel later this year, drivers will be able to travel anywhere in the country in electric cars with a battery range of 100 miles (160 km). When their power is exhausted, they’ll pull into a ‘Better Place’ station and exchange their low battery for a fully charged one, a 5-minute process. The vehicles can also charge in parking lots where the company’s power posts are located. Otherwise, the car can recharge overnight via a snap-in plug. (Is generating electricity more eco-friendly than gasoline? Ask the people of Fukushima.)
– “TIME Magazine”


• The age of cheap energy is over. According to a new statement from the Paris-based International Energy Agency, the recent rise in energy prices will be tough to reverse because it’s getting harder to access and exploit conventional resources.
• Why do you often see aquariums in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms? Studies show that the enjoyment created by viewing pet fish can relieve stress and actually lower blood pressure.
– PA News
• Homework may be overrated. After a statistical analysis of test scores and homework for thousands of 8th-grade students, a team of economists has found that only Math homework seems to boost test scores, while homework in Science, English, and History does not.
– “Boston Globe”
• For dogs, peeing is competitive. A new University of Wisconsin study on canine scent-marking finds that dogs compete for status using the height, leg-lift angle, location, and quality of their urine. The more aggressive use ‘countermarking’ to overpower a previous dog’s scent-mark.
– “Discovery News”



1951 [60] Paul (‘Ace’) Frehley, Bronx NY, former rock singer/guitarist (KISS-“Rock ‘n Roll All Nite”, “Beth”)

1984 [27] Patrick Stump, Glenview IL, rock singer/guitarist (Fall Out Boy-“She’s My Winona”, This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”)

1988 [23] Semyon Varlamov, Samara, Russia, NHL goalie (Washington Capitals)


• “Administrative Professionals Day” (“Secretaries Day” in ancient times), an annual observance since 1952 to salute those dedicated souls in the office who do the work in the trenches. Over the years, the tradition of bosses giving APs flowers and/or lunch has given way to professional development opportunities or other work-themed awards. (See BULL’S BITS.)

• “Freedom Day”, a South African public holiday celebrating the country’s first post-apartheid elections held on this day in 1994.

• “International Guide Dog Day”, a day to celebrate the important role of ‘seeing eye dogs’. It takes 2 years of training to develop a guide dog and costs $30,000 per dog.

• “International Noise Awareness Day”, the 16th annual observance begun by NYC’s ‘League For the Hard of Hearing’ in 1996 and now observed in more than 20 countries. In celebration, we’re encouraged to observe the ‘Quiet Diet’ … 1 minute of quiet, regardless of where we are from 2:15 to 2:16 pm.

• “Prime Rib Day”, in honor of the best beef cut there is. (Not sure why but … bring it on!)

• “World Graphic Design Day”, observed since 1995 to celebrate the profession of graphic & communication design.

1981 [30] Former Beatle drummer Ringo Starr weds movie actress Barbara Bach (“The Spy Who Loved Me”), which turns out to be one of the longer-lasting marriages in show biz

1981 [30] The ‘Computer Mouse’ is introduced as part of a $16,000 Xerox computer system (Douglas Englebart had patented his ‘X-Y Position Indicator for a Display System’ way back in 1970)

2006 [05] Construction begins on the 1,776-ft ‘Freedom Tower’ that will stand on the former site of the World Trade Center in NYC (due to be completed in 2013)


1986 [25] Andoni Dominguez of Vizcaya, Spain sets a world record by eating 2.4 lbs of snails in 65 seconds

[Thurs] Steve Carell’s final episode of “The Office” (NBC)
[Thurs] Workers Memorial Day
[Fri] Britain’s Royal Wedding (London)
[Fri] New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival begins
[Fri] Bamboozle Festival begins (East Rutherford NJ)
[Fri] Hairball Awareness Day
[Fri] Save the Frogs Day
This Week Is … Dance Week
This Month Is … Card & Letter Writing Month


• Quit calling her ‘one of the girls in the office’.
• You try answering phone calls from idiots for an hour.
• Refer to her by her proper title … ‘Boss’.
• Instead of taking her out to lunch, give her the money instead.
• Make your own damn coffee.


10. ‘Lee Holloway’ (Maggie Gyllenhaal) in “Secretary” (2002).
9. ‘Sydney Andrews’ (Laura Leighton) on “Melrose Place” (1993-97).
8. ‘Jane Hathaway’ (Nancy Culp) on “The Beverly Hillbillies” (1962-71).
7. ‘Janine Melnitz’ (Annie Potts) in “Ghostbusters” (1984).
6. ‘Tess McGill’ (Melanie Griffith) in “Working Girl” (1988).
5. ‘Marion Crane’ (Janet Leigh) in “Psycho” (1960).
4. ‘Jennifer Marlowe’ (Loni Anderson) on “WKRP in Cincinnati” (1978-82).
3. ‘Cerie Xerox’ (Katrina Bowden) on “30 Rock” (2006-11).
2. ‘Moneypenny’ (Lois Maxwell) in ‘James Bond’ films (1962-2008).
1. ‘Pam Beesley’ (Jenna Fischer) on “The Office” (2005-11).


• Can atheists get insurance for ‘acts of God’?
• If ‘quitters never win’ and ‘winners never quit’, what fool came up with ‘quit while you’re ahead’?
• Why is the word ‘abbreviation’ so long?
•  If a cow laughs really hard, does milk come out of her nose?
• Are children ever ruly?

• At ‘Turn Your Name Into a Face’ users are invited to submit their name, click a button, and instantly view a facial depiction based on their moniker. But let’s face it, the real fun comes from submitting your buddy’s name or that of someone famous.
• Saunas are great, but they’re not very portable. Now there’s ‘Sauna Pants’, which you wrap around your nether regions to give them the Finnish treatment. Just wrap on the pants and lay down for an easy sauna anywhere. These hot pants feature adjustable temperature control.

• Why are women are more likely to die of a heart attack than men?
a. Women worry more.
b. Women suffer milder symptoms. [CORRECT, causing them to delay going to the hospital.]
c. Women exercise less.

• In the original Olympics, not all Greek runners were totally naked. What did some wear?
a. Shoes. [CORRECT]
b. Jockstrap.
c. Sun visor.


It’s time to diet if nobody will get on an elevator with you.


Today’s Question: On average, THIS will happen to you twice a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: You’ll get lost.

The difference between ideas and results is a good manager.

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