Monday, April 4, 2011 Edition: #4476
The Sheet Hits the Fans!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• The headlines are virtually unanimous: “Sheen’s Tour Bombs”. Saturday Charlie Sheen took the stage at Detroit’s Fox Theatre for opening night of his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option” tour. Business was profitable in the lobby beforehand: Programs went for a whopping $20, T-shirts for $30. The SRO crowd of 4,700 greeted him with thundering applause, but it didn’t take long for them to turn on him. The ‘show’ consisted of disjointed videos and Charlie asking the audience what stories they wanted to hear. With people booing and yelling they wanted their money back, it was all over within 2 agonizing hours.
• Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan could soon be a famous murder victim as she’s been offered the role of Sharon Tate in an upcoming movie about cult killer Charles Manson. The movie’s called “Eyes Of a Dreamer” and is being produced by Brad Wyman, one of the people behind the Oscar-winning film “Monster”, which starred Charlize Theron. The part of Charles Manson will be played by celeb photographer Tyler Shields, who’s also directing the film. So far, no word on whether Lindsay will accept.
• Friday Spanish actress Penelope Cruz became the 2,436th person to have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Johnny Depp’s co-star in the new movie “Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (opening May 20th) was honored in front of the El Capitan Theater. In her acceptance speech she said, “When I arrived in Los Angeles in 1992 I spoke no English, except 2 sentences: ‘How are you?’ and ‘I want to work with Johnny Depp’.”
• Saturday night Johnny Depp picked up the prize for ‘Favorite Actor’ at the annual “Kids’ Choice Awards” (Nickelodeon), then ‘slimed’ the front couple rows of the audience with a canon spraying sticky green goo (sliming is a tradition on the show). Absentee Justin Bieber (currently on tour in Europe) was the night’s biggest winner, picking up ‘Favorite Male Singer’ and ‘Favorite Song’ for “Baby”. Black Eyed Peas were honored as ‘Favorite Music Group’.
• Legendary superhero creator Stan Lee is planning to unveil a prototype comic book featuring the new action man “The Governator”, based on former California guv Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the July “Comic-Con” festival in San Diego CA. Lee hopes to launch his fictional new crime-fighter – a genius, whose suits allow him to become a virtual submarine and invisible – as both a comic book and animated TV series by the end of 2012.
• And actress Gwyneth Paltrow & “Glee” star Matthew Morrison reportedly covered up after being caught out on a late-night date together in London. Gwyneth, a 2-time “Glee” guest-star, draped a scarf across her face while newly-single Morrison (‘Will Schuester’) decided to lie low … on his car’s back seat. Their awkward attempts to hide themselves makes the rendezvous seem like something more than 2 professional pals getting together to catch up.
– “News Of the World”
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The remaining couples perform.
• “Girls Night Out: Superstar Women of Country” – Tonight the achievements of Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Nettles (Sugarland), Martina McBride, Miranda Lambert, and Reba McEntire are saluted at the taping of this 2-hour TV special at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. All 5 have won multiple ACM awards in their careers. Performers include Blake Shelton, Jason Aldean, Rascal Flatts, Ronnie Dunn, and Vince Gill. The special airs April 22nd on CBS-TV.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Bad Religion (“The Dissent of Man”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Fitz & The Tantrums (“Pickin’ Up The Pieces”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Soul music legend Booker T Jones.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Cold War Kids (Mine Is Yours”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Panic! At the Disco (“Vices & Virtues”).
• “NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship” (CBS) – The end of ‘March Madness’ as the Butler Bulldogs face the UConn Huskies in Houston TX.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Augustana performs “Steal Your Heart”.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Brad Paisley – He’s recorded duets with Carrie Underwood and Blake Shelton for his new album, “This Is Country Music”, scheduled for release May 24th. Alabama, Marty Stuart, and Sheryl Crow also make guest appearances.
• Britney Spears – Someone who met on the shoot for her new video described her as ‘entirely dead behind the eyes’.
• Lil Wayne – He’s been hit with a monster $5.6-million tax bill and the IRS has placed a lien on his Miami FL mansion. The waterfront estate is currently for sale at just under $13 million.
• Mumford & Sons – 24-year-old Marcus Mumford & 25-year-old actress Carey Mulligan (“Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”) seem to be getting serious, spending time at his place in London and vacationing in the Orkney Islands.
• Radiohead – Guitarist Jonny Greenwood tells rock magazine “Q” they’re already recording new songs, just weeks after the release of their 8th album “The King of Limbs”.
• Robbie Robertson – He was inducted into the Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame Saturday evening at a gala ceremony in Toronto.
• Susan Boyle – She was reportedly stunned after unwrapping a $32,000-necklace from mentor Simon Cowell at her 50th birthday bash Friday night.
• ZZ Top – The classic rockers are working on a new album in both Houston and Los Angeles that guitarist Billy Gibbons predicts will be out by the end of the year. They’ll hit the road with Lynyrd Skynyrd for the “Rebels & Bandoleros Tour” starting May 12th in Wichita KS.
Firefighters and paramedics in Ashland, Oregon are now trained and equipped to give First Aid to dogs, cats and other pets, including ferrets, gerbils, and snakes. All Ashland Fire & Rescue firefighters have now qualified to perform CPR on pets that have inhaled smoke and all 5 of the department’s fire engines now carries oxygen masks for pets. Smaller animals can be placed inside the masks, while the devices can be fitted over the nose or beak of larger animals. (Audience poll: Could you give your pet the ‘breath of life’?)
– Associated Press
BIG FOOT U:
Siberian officials are considering opening a scientific institute to study … yetis. Yetis, or Abominable Snowmen, are hairy apelike creatures of popular myth that are generally believed to inhabit the Himalayas. But some believe Russia also holds a population of yetis, which it calls ‘Snow Men’, in remote mountain areas of Siberia. Researcher Igor Burtsev says the planned institute could pull together the 30-odd Russian scientists currently studying yetis to work together. (Just think how many photos all these wackos could fake!)
– “Daily Telegraph”
Ever wonder how they estimate crowd numbers at big events? The number of protesters against British government spending cuts on Saturday in London has been estimated upwards of 500,000. Experts admit crowd estimating is an inexact science, which is why numbers are never claimed to be precisely accurate. One method involves studying precise maps to get the measurements of streets involved, multiplying the width by the length to get the area, and then applying the rule-of-thumb that 3 people per square meter is comfortable and 4 is like a rock concert. (The baseline is ‘0’. The crowd expected for any further Charlie Sheen shows.)
– “BBC News Magazine”
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 57% of mortuary school graduates are now women, up from 5% in 1970.
• 55% of us keep a roll of bathroom tissue in the car.
• 35% of women on social networks present themselves as ‘crazy’, which experts say is due to low self-esteem.
• 32% of us will do laundry tonight.
• 16% of us would trust Stephen Harper to babysit our kids.
• 15% of us nap every day.
• 3% of women say a sure sign of old age is acting like their mothers.
FOR THE RECORD:
What’s likely the ‘World’s Most Expensive Mobile Home’ is located in the exclusive Point Dume Club, one of 2 prime mobile home parks in Malibu, California where the likes of Pamela Anderson, Minnie Driver, and Matthew McConuaghey have all lived at one time. This double-wide boasts stunning views of famed Zuma Beach, perhaps explaining why it’s currently for sale at slightly under … $2.3 million!
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• There are no less than 27 movie sequels being released this year, topping the old 2003 record by 3. By contrast, 19 sequels came out last year.
– QMI Agency
• Out of 200 million registered Twitter accounts, just 20,000 of them generate more than 50% of all tweets read.
AND WE QUOTE:
• “Shooting big guns is the most exhilarating feeling I have ever had in my entire life.”
– Vanessa Hudgens, insulting former boyfriend Zac Efron’s romantic abilities?
• “You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on You Tube and go on tour.”
– Miley Cyrus, slamming Rebecca Black? Or maybe Justin Bieber?
• “I feel like a wine that has gotten better with age. I know I’m not going to be able to sing like this forever. But as long as I can, I will.”
– Celine Dion, uttering a threat?
BS CHRONOMETER 04.04.11
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1965  Robert Downey Jr, NYC, movie actor (“Iron Man” films, “Sherlock Holmes”)/rehab veteran COMING UP: “Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows” (December 16th); “The Avengers” (2012); “Iron Man 3” (2013).
1970  Barry Pepper, Campbell River BC, movie actor (“True Grit”, “Flags of Our Fathers”)/TV actor (“3: The Dale Earnhardt Story”, “61*”)
1971  Josh Todd, LA CA, rock singer (Buckcherry-“Sorry”, “Lit Up”)
1973  David Blaine (White), Brooklyn NY, illusionist who’s been suspended over the River Thames for 44 days, buried alive, and frozen in a block of ice among other stunts
1979  Roberto Luongo, Montréal QC, NHL goalie (Vancouver Canucks)/Team Canada goalie (2010 Winter Olympics)
REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Ballroom Dancing Day”, celebrated on the birth anniversary of Arthur Murray, the famous ballroom dancing instructor. It’s an activity that’s hot once again thanks to TV shows like “Dancing With the Stars” and “So You Think You Can Dance”.
• “Hug a Newsman Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘National Face Harassment Charges Day’.)
• “International Day for Landmine Awareness & Assistance”. (Unfortunately, participation in this will cost you an arm and a leg.)
• “Tell-A-Lie Day”, a good day to ask listeners to add to the list of ‘World’s Greatest Lies’ …
– “You get this one, I’ll buy the next round.”
– “Drinking? Why no, officer.”
– “Trust me, I’ll take care of everything.”
– “It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.”
– “I gave at the office.”
– “Don’t worry, my dog’s never bitten anyone.”
– “Of course I love you.”
– “It was good for me, too.”
– “I’ll call you later.”
• “Vitamin-C Day”, marking the date in 1932 when scientist CC King first isolated the vitamin at the University of Pittsburgh. (What an appropriate name he had!)
• “World Rat Day”, recognizing what people who own them as pets refer to as ‘dear, sweet animals which deserve greater recognition and admiration’. It’s claimed their image only suffers from ignorance and unthinking prejudice.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1960  “Ben Hur” wins a record 11 “Academy Awards” (later tied by “Titanic” in 1998 and “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” in 2004)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1996  A portion of Jerry Garcia’s ashes are scattered in India’s Ganges River by his widow & Grateful Dead bandmate Bob Weir
1996  Songwriter Larry LaPrise, who composed the novelty ditty “The Hokey Pokey” in the late 1940s, dies at age 83 in Wendel, Idaho (kids are still saying “that’s what it’s all about!”)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1949  ‘NATO’ is established (the North Atlantic Treaty Organization is now running the military operation in Libya)
1971  The first electric power fueled by garbage is generated (problem is, you have to burn it, releasing trashy smoke into the air)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Deep Dish Pizza Day
[Tues] One Day Without Shoes Day
[Wed] New Beers Eve
[Wed] Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
[Wed] Student Athlete Day
[Wed] Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
[Wed] Tartan Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Explore Your Career Options Week / Golden Rule Week / International Pooper-Scooper Week / Laugh at Work Week / Medication Safety Week / Networking Week / Public Health Week / Testicular Cancer Awareness Week / Week Of the Ocean / Window Safety Week / Work Zone Safety Awareness Week
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS STUFF TO DO WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC:
• Play the exciting new car game ‘Does My Head Fit In The Glove Compartment?’
• Roll down window, ask person next to you, “Is this the line for Carey Underwood tickets?”
• Use jumper cables to resuscitate roadkill.
• Call the police; report a stolen car; give the license plate of the car in front of you.
• Honk your horn … that always helps get things moving.
BS RANDOM JOKE:
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3:30 am Sunday morning. Can you believe that, 3:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
BS PHONE STARTER:
Finish this sentence: I can’t stand being around people who ____.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
“The Masters” golf tourney begins this week. What were golf balls stuffed with up until 1850?
a. Rubber Bands.
b. Feathers. [CORRECT. But they didn’t fly very far.]
c. Tree Sap.
BS WEB GOODIE:
For the man who has everything, the ‘Gentleman’s Willy Care Kit’ …
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average person has 5 of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Keys.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you itch for it, scratch for it.