Tuesday, August 29, 2006        Edition: #3354
Bull Works!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY MTV kicks off its “Video Music Awards” festivities with a free concert in NYC’s Battery Park featuring All-American Rejects, Rihanna, Chamillionaire, Cartel, and New Found Glory (the VMAs are handed out THURSDAY at Radio City Music Hall) . . . TONIGHT Wayne Brady hosts Simon Cowell’s latest elimination-style reality TV production, “Celebrity Duets” (FOX), in a 2-hour premiere that pairs up has-been recording stars (Chaka Khan, Clint Black, Peter Frampton, Michael Bolton, Smokey Robinson, Dionne Warwick, Lee Ann Womack, Belinda Carlisle, Randy Travis, etc) with 8 ‘celebrity’ wannabe singers such as WWE wrestler Chris Jericho, “Xena: Warrior Princess” actress Lucy Lawless, actor/comedian Cheech Marin (Cheech & Chong), and “Queer Eye” style guru Jai Rodriguez (the show will regularly air Thursdays & Fridays at 9) . . . Newly-discovered correspondence from late ‘James Bond’ author Ian Fleming shows he originally wanted Welsh acting legend Richard Burton to play ‘007′ instead of Sean Connery (“Is this a Walther PPK I see before me?”) . . . Bad actor-turned-TV producer Ashton Kutcher is preparing a 6-episode series called “Wedding Crashers” (NBC), based on the hit comedy movie and featuring actors interrupting real-life wedding receptions (sure, ruin the highlight of a girl’s life for a lame 30 minutes of TV content) . . . Movie star Lindsay Lohan has listed her luxury 3-bedroom West Hollywood apartment  in Sierra Towers (home to Cher & Matthew Perry) for $2.85 million, but interested parties should note she never lived in it – it was just an investment (on the plus side – it’s therefore free of any of her oft-dispersed bodily fluids) . . . Fans who watch the comedy “Little Britain” on BBC Canada will be thrilled to know HBO is developing a North American version (but less thrilled to know it’s being produced by “American Idol” svengali Simon Fuller) . . . “American Idol 4” finalist Constantine Maroulis is bound for Broadway, joining the cast of “The Wedding Singer” in SEPTEMBER for a 13-month run as the title character’s best friend ‘Sammy’ . . . “American Idol 3“ runner-up Diana DeGarmo is returning to the role of ‘Penny Pingleton’ for a 5-month run in the Broadway production of “Hairspray” (she already played the role for 3 months earlier on) . . . And crap rapper Kevin Federline insists that the media and fans continually underestimate him because – he’s a misunderstood genius (but as someone once said: there’s a fine line between genius & trailer-trash … or something like that).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beach Boys – TODAY a special reissue of their landmark “Pet Sounds” album is being released. The CD/DVD & vinyl boxed set is officially titled “The Beach Boys, Pet Sounds 40th Anniversary: Limited Edition Fuzzy Package”.
• Bob Dylan – TODAY his 44th album and first studio album in 5 years, “Modern Times”, is out. It was recorded earlier THIS YEAR with his touring band.
• DMX – He’s upset the United Service Organization by mysteriously dumping out on a planned tour of US Army bases in Kuwait & Iraq. He simply failed to show up at the airport to begin the tour that he requested the USO organize for him.
• Jessica Simpson – TODAY her first post-divorce album, “A Public Affair”, is released. Among the ‘gems’ on the recording: a cover version of Dead or Alive’s 1985 semi-hit “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”. But why?
• Panic! At The Disco – They were just 1 song into their set at the UK’s Reading Festival when singer Brendan Urie was hit in the head by a thrown bottle and knocked out for a few seconds. He recovered enough to continue the show and now says he’s okay.
• Pat Green – TONIGHT the “Way Back Texas” & “Feels Just Like It Should” country singer is on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Paul Simon – TODAY he’s a guest on a rerun of the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• The Roots – TONIGHT the Grammy-winning Philadelphia-based hip-hop group appears on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) to plug their just-released album, “Game Theory”.
• Toby Keith – He’s contributed 7 tunes to the soundtrack of his film debut, “Broken Bridges”, out TODAY. The movie premieres in Nashville TN SEPTEMBER 7th.
• Also released TODAY: The Black Crowes’ “The Lost Crowes”; and Pete Yorn’s “Nightcrawler”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Akeelah & the Bee” ( Family Drama ): Keke Palmer stars as a little girl from South Central LA who spells her way to the “National Spelling Bee” finals. Laurence Fishburne plays the college prof who becomes her coach & mentor. Angela Basset co-stars as the child prodigy’s overworked mother.
• “Brother Bear 2” ( Animated Family Adventure ): This direct-to-video sequel to the 2003 film features 3 songs from Melissa Etheridge and voices provided by Mandy Moore, Wanda Sykes, Andrea Martin, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas & Catherine O’Hara (it’s a virtual SCTV reunion!).
• “Friends With Money” ( Dramedy ): Frances McDormand, Joan Cusack & Catherine Keener play well-to-do married pals who’ve enjoyed a big bump in status from their previous lives. Jennifer Aniston is their free-and-easy, unmarried college friend who gave up a teaching career to become a housekeeper in the trendy suburbs of Los Angeles.
• “The Lord of the Rings Trilogy Limited Edition (Theatrical & Extended Version)”: A 2-disc set for each film of the trilogy, with behind-the-scenes extras, documentaries, and more than 5 hours of never-before-released footage … because the films just weren’t long enough to begin with.
• “The Sentinel” ( Crime Thriller ): Michael Douglas plays a veteran Secret Service agent framed in a conspiracy to assassinate the US President. Kiefer Sutherland is the investigator on his trail, a former friend-turned-rival. Eva Longoria & Kim Basinger provide the eye candy. Partially filmed in Toronto & Mississauga ON.
• “Take the Lead” ( Musical Drama ): Antonio Banderas plays a ballroom dance instructor hired by an inner city high school principal (Alfre Woodard) to bring a new attitude to a detention class full of angry, aggressive students. Shot in Toronto, including the U of T.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Desperate Housewives: The Complete 2nd Season – The Extra Juicy Edition”; “Arrested Development: Season 3”; and “Will & Grace: Season 5”.

WANNA 3-HOUR TOUR?
The famous ‘SS Minnow’, the boat famous for running aground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle in the 1960s classic TV comedy “Gilligan’s Island”, is up for sale. Owner Scotty Taylor has kept it in Parksville on Vancouver Island since restoring it. Its previous owner sold it for salvage after it ran onto a reef while cruising down the coast from Alaska. While restoration of the twin-diesel, 37-ft mahogany Wheeler Express Cruiser cost over $200,000, Taylor is asking just $99,000. Why? He’s sick of it. (Just like TV viewers became of the show after 3 years.)
– CanWest News Service

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A statistical breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 59% of pet owners celebrate their pet’s birthday every year.
• 56% of women say they will splurge on clothing if they actually find something that fits.
• 53% of those asked in an “Us Weekly” poll think the Heather Locklear/David Spade relationship will last.
• 42% of us eat dinner in front of the TV every night.
• 20% of families now have a ‘house husband’.
• 3% of auto accidents involving female drivers are caused by the woman admiring her jewelry.

FORGET ABOUT FUN FUNERALS:
5 people have been detained in China for running striptease shows … at funerals. The odd addition to traditional burial rites has been used to boost the number of mourners, as large crowds are seen as a mark of honor. The arrests in the eastern province of Jiangsu could signal the end of the rural tradition. Local officials have ordered a halt to any ‘obscene performances’ and say that from now on, funeral plans have to be submitted in advance. (And there’s no more lapdances in the coffin either!)
– Xinhua News Agency

TOP TV BUZZWORDS OF 2006:
Highlights of an annual survey of words from TV that have affected the English language, according to the word-trend group Global Language Monitor …
• ‘Dr McDreamy’ – A handle attached to Patrick Dempsey’s ‘Dr Derek Shepherd’ character on the hit drama “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC).
• ‘Katie’ – The name being used ad nauseam thanks to the over-hyped ramp-up to the debut of “The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric” (next TUESDAY).
• ‘Katrina’ – It’s become the umbrella word to label continuing stories about hurricane destruction along the Gulf Coast.
• ‘Man of the Hours’ – A new term coined on “24” (FOX).
• ‘Truthiness’ – Popularized by political satirist Stephen Colbert on “The Colbert Report”, it means ‘truth unencumbered by the facts’.
• ‘Wikiality’ – Also a Colbert invention, it describes ‘reality as determined by majority vote’, derived from the user-compiled Wikipedia website. A recent example is when astronomers voted Pluto off their list of planets LAST WEEK.
– “USA Today”

FIRST HD, NOW 3-D:
A new line of 3-D TVs by Philips uses the familiar trick of sending slightly different images to the left and right eyes. But where old-fashioned 3-D movies rely on special glasses to block images meant for the other eye, Philips’ ‘WOWvx’ technology places tiny lenses over each of the millions of red, green & blue sub-pixels that make up an LCD or plasma screen. A processor in the TV generates 9 slightly different views fanning out in front of the display so that, from almost any angle, viewers catch a different image in each eye. The technology is quickly being brought up to commercial standards; finding enough 3-D content for home users is the next challenge. (A problem soon to be solved by the likes of stuff with titles like “Girls Gone 3-D”.)
– “Wired”

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In Greece, a16-year-old boy driving a stolen car led police on a chase through the streets of Kavala, running numerous red lights and driving the wrong way on one-way streets. When the cops closed in, the teen jumped from the vehicle … into the sea. But his attempt to swim away was finally foiled by cops … in a rowboat. You rarely see this in heist films.
• In Australia, a reckless driver has been sentenced to 3-and-a-half years behind bars after being clocked on the Bruce Highway at 182 km/hr (113 mph) while swearing at other drivers, weaving in & out of traffic, and singing the AC/DC lyrics “Are you ready for a good time?” Cops were aided in the case by the idiot himself … who filmed the entire episode for a home movie.
• In Cleveland, Ohio a bank robber took $5,000 from a teller and then called a bystander an ‘old man’ and ordered him to get out the way. That ticked off 70-year-old James Matteson, who grabbed the robber and slammed him against a wall and then to the floor where a security guard helped subdue him. Matteson may be a geezer but he’s a navy vet … and a bar owner.

BIG BROTHER’S WATCHING … YOUR TRASH:
More than half-a-million British garbage containers have been fitted with electronic bugs to gather info about their owners’ waste disposal habits. The system is designed to help the government improve national recycling rates … and collect fines for not recycling. While proponents claim the new system will help make waste removal more efficient, many believe the bugs represent an invasion of privacy. The monitoring technology, developed by 2 German companies, is already in use in several European cities. (For more info, see the Neil Young lyrics to “American Dream”.)
– “Daily Mail”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Almost half of female employees say they would wear short skirts & revealing blouses if it would double their pay.
– “Are You Normal?”
• The average speed of human growth between the ages of 0-and-18 is .0000048 mph.
– “Sizesaurus”
• Only 1 in 20 marriages involving an identical twin ends in divorce. It may be that twins naturally know how to take someone else’s feelings into consideration at all times.
– “Psych Daily”
• The average shower in the morning takes 12 minutes … unless someone flushes.
– Water Pik survey

THE BULL SHEET 08.29.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [68] Elliott Gould, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Ocean’s 11-13”, “M*A*S*H”)/ex-Mr Barbra Streisand

1956 [50] Dan Truman, St George UT, country musician (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”)

1958 [48] Michael Jackson, Gary IN, self-titled ‘King of Pop’ (“Thriller”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2001)/Lisa Marie Presley’s ex-weirdo/’father’ of Prince Michael I, Prince Michael II & Paris

1975 [31] Kyle Cook, Frankfort IN, rock guitarist (Matchbox Twenty-“Unwell”, “Bent”)

1980 [26] David Desrosiers, Montréal QC, rock bassist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “According to Hoyle Day”, honoring Britain’s Edmond Hoyle on the anniversary of his death in 1769. He’s the guy who took the time to formalize rules to many popular games. Thus the expression ‘according to Hoyle’ has come to mean ‘playing by the rules’.

• “More Herbs, Less Salt Day”, because it’s ‘healthier, zestier and lustier!’ So go ahead, spice up your life! What’s the world’s most-used spice? Black pepper.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844 [162] 1st ‘White-Native Lacrosse Game’, in Montréal (natives win, of course)

1896 [110] 1st ‘Chop Suey’ is served (Chinese ambassador’s chef devises dish to satisfy both Western and Oriental tastes for a dinner in NYC)

1934 [72] 1st Boy Scout Camp in America opens at Hawk Mountain PA (the next day, the 1st ‘wedgie’ is reported)

1965 [41] 1st ‘Parachuting Bullfighter’, Luis ‘The Conceited’ Rios, misses a Spanish bullring and lands in the city dump

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [24] ‘Longest Recorded Kite Flight’ lasts 180 hours, 17 minutes (Washington DC)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Wed] CMA Awards nominations announced
[Wed-Sept 9] 63rd Venice Film Festival (Venice, Italy)
[Sat] “Saturday Night NCAA Football” debuts (ABC)
[Mon] Labor Day (no “BS” service)
This Week Is … International Enthusiasm Week
This Month Is … Immunization Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Alien Blob Ate My Truck!”
• “Adam & Eve Never Even Knew Each Other!”
• “Mickey Mouse Gave Us Scabies”
• “Turkish Soldiers are World’s Best at Fighting Vampires!”
• “Space Aliens Hate Spiders!”
• “Pain-Crazed Trucker Yanks Dentist’s Teeth Out After Dumb Doc Drills His Nerve!”

BS PHONE STARTER:
• If you were a machine, what kind of machine would you be?
• If you had no fear of anything, what 3 things would you do?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I won’t say she’s dumb, but I blew in her ear and she said, “Thanks for the refill!”.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Between the age of 30-and-70, THIS can grow as much as a half-inch wider and longer.   
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Your nose.
 
BS DEEP THOUGHT:

In any given set of circumstances, the correct course of action is dictated by subsequent events.


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