Monday, August 28, 2006        Edition: #3353
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• Former “Friends” actor Matt LeBlanc is being sued for defamation by a woman who claims he made debasing remarks about her in the “National Enquirer” while describing a lapdance in the private room of a club. She claims all physical contact between them took place in her home. Either way, LeBlanc ends up sounding like a really classy guy, doesn’t he?
– “USA Today”
• Shortly after pseudo-singer/pseudo-actor Jesse McCartney (“Summerland”) blabbed that Jennifer Lopez pulled out of the movie “Dallas” because she got pregnant (which he claims to have learned from actress-girlfriend, Katie Cassidy, who’s playing ‘Lucy Ewing’ in the film), he issued a formal statement denying he has any inside scoop whatsoever. Wow, J-Lo’s lawyer must have him on speed-dial.
– “E!”
• He took the rap for his lame rapping on the “Teen Choice Awards” and now Britney Spears 28-year-old undertalented hubby Kevin Federline will make his TV acting debut on “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS) THIS FALL. He’s already begun filming the role of a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses CSIs ‘Nick’ (George Eads) & ‘Warrick’ (Gary Dourdan) on a job. We can only hope he ends up on a morgue slab. The episode is scheduled to air in OCTOBER.
– “People”
• Tom Cruise is said to be piling on the crazy and demanding visitors wear masks and scrubs before viewing his rumored child, Suri, because he’s become obsessed with germs. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has almost reached the outer walls and is preparing to cross the moat.
– “Star Magazine”
• Paul McCartney has deleted shots of estranged wife Heather Mills from an upcoming  biographical DVD based on footage shot during his US tour LAST SUMMER. Although Mills was prominently featured during shooting, she’s been axed from the final cut because McCartney wants to ‘focus on the music rather than his family life’. Bitter bitter.
– “News of the World”
• “Survivor” host Jeff Probst says the controversial idea to divide the next season’s cast by ethnicity resulted from criticism that the show is not diverse enough. For the series’ 13th season, “Survivor: Cook Islands”, beginning SEPTEMBER 14, participants are segregated into 4 different tribes: blacks, Asians, Latinos & whites. Probst describes it as ‘adding another layer’ to “Survivor’s” ‘social experiment’. But enraged NYC officials are demanding the show be yanked, claiming a battle of the races will promote racial divisiveness. CBS-TV claims it’s no different than past shows in which men & women were segregated on teams. One thing for sure, the ploy has worked … it’s got us talking again about a tired old format that was losing ratings by the bucketful.
– “eTalk Daily”
• TorStar’s attempt at a Canadian celeb newsstand magazine (“Weekly Scoop”) flopped, but Britain’s “Hello! Magazine” has decided to give it a whirl anyway. The inaugural edition of the Canadian version has 12 photos of various Trudeaus on the cover, an article about actor Colm Feore’s perfect family, and ‘insider news’ such as the startling revelation that singer Chantal Kreviazuk actually has some friends. How long do you give this one … 2 issues?
– “Toronto Star”
• Bad singer/bad actress Jessica Simpson lost 8 lbs and you can too if you install a gym in your $5.5 million mansion and get a trainer and then when you run into your ex at the “Teen Choice Awards” you look really hot and never mind the skank he’s dating now.
– “Us Weekly”
• MTV has started production on 2 new reality series in Hawaii. “Living Lahaina” features a group of friends who work as surf instructors at the Royal Hawaiian Surf Academy in Lahaina, Maui. “Island Fever” explores the lives & loves of a group of friends as they struggle to stay loyal in their relationships while interacting with droves of tourists looking for a good time. Life’s tough in lei-land, ain’t it?
– “Hollywood Reporter”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Bassist Tom Hamilton is sitting out part of the band’s “Route of All Evil” fall tour after being diagnosed with throat cancer and undergoing a 7-week program of radiation treatment. He’s expected to join the tour sometime in OCTOBER.
• Bob Marley – The Bank of Jamaica is releasing commemorative coins in gold & silver with the late reggae star’s dreadlocked likeness. The 1,000 limited-edition coins are being sold for $100 each.
• Coldplay – Chris Martin has reportedly agreed to let his actress/wife Gwyneth Paltrow direct one of the band’s upcoming videos. No word on the what the rest of the lads think of that.
• Elton John – He tells “Rolling Stone” he wants to experiment with hip-hop and would like to collaborate with the likes of Pharrell Williams, Timbaland, and Kanye West.
• Lee Ann Womack – She just filmed the video for her new single, “Finding My Way Back Home”, in her home state of Texas. It’s her first performance video since 2000.
• Linda Ronstadt – She is canceling the remainder of her tour dates to recover from surgery she had LAST WEEK. Her rep won’t name the prob but says it’s NOT cancer.
• Nickelback – 31-year-old frontman Chad Kroeger intends to plead not guilty to a DUI charge resulting from being pulled over  2 months ago by the RCMP in Surrey BC. The case is scheduled to be back in court NEXT MONTH.
• Michael Jackson – FRIDAY a wildfire burned about 40 acres of Neverland Ranch, coming within a quarter-mile of the closed-up main residence. Hmm, is that why he took the joint off the market … looking to collect insurance money?
• The Who – Their first studio album in 25 years, “Endless Wire”, hits stores OCTOBER 31st.
• Wolfmother – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).

IS TODAY MONDAY?
A recent study on human memory by University of Missouri psychologist Nelson Cowan finds that most of us can only remember 3 to 5 things at a time if they are unrelated. And trying to remember 1 thing on a list can immediately blank out all the others, at least temporarily. The bottom line is, our working memory is much smaller and more fragile than we might think. (That reminds me of … um …)
– “Social Studies”

MONKEYS ARE HACK WRITERS:
A newly-completed study at Britain’s University of Plymouth has tested the famous theory that an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters would eventually produce the works of William Shakespeare. Researchers only needed to chart the creative output of 6 monkeys for a month before concluding that monkeys would never even come up with anything closely resembling a single word. Instead of churning out sonnets and rhyming couplets, the monks only succeeded in destroying equipment and using it as a toilet. They did come up with about 5 pages of text, almost exclusively using the letter ‘S’, as well as a few occurrences of ‘A’, ‘J’, ‘L’, and ‘M’.
– BBC News

DOUBLING YOUR BUBBLES:
A Japanese company has created the world’s first chewing gum that claims to … increase the size of your breasts. The main ingredient in the ‘B2UP Body Make-Up Gum’ is a wild plant extract called ‘pueraria mirifica’ which, according to tests carried out at Thailand’s Chulalongkorn University, is able to enhance breast size by up to 80%. As if that isn’t enough to make you rush out and buy some, other side effects of the miracle gum supposedly include smoother skin, fewer wrinkles, thicker hair, and the alleviation of menstrual cramps.
– “Euroweekly News”

TV SHOWS THAT SHAPED SCIENCE FICTION:
5. “Babylon 5”
4. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”
3. “The Twilight Zone”
2. “The X-Files”
1. “Star Trek”
– “SFX Magazine”

FO’ SHIZZLE:
Professor Ludmilla Flickwood of Britain’s University of Plymouth is leading a team searching for the world’s funniest-sounding words. “Take ‘fizzle’, for example,” she says. “It’s relatively easy to say, but if you say it 20 times out loud, which is our ‘anti-semantic phonetic test’, it starts to sound really funny.” Some languages are better suited to funny sounds than others according to the researchers. Korean and Swedish top the list, with German a close 3rd. Some words are only funny sounding if you don’t know the language. For example, ‘schwangerschaft’ (pregnancy) is hilarious to non-German-speakers, and not funny at all to most Germans. So far, the funniest English word found is said to be ‘squid’, followed closely by ‘whiffle’, ‘blooper’, and ‘expunge’. (What about ‘Ludmilla Flickwood’?)
– “The Guardian”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Much of the flavor in coffee comes from naturally occurring fungi found inside the bean.
– ABC Australia
• Think rush hour is bad in your town? According to a recent study, traffic in central London, England moves at an average of just … 2.9 mph.
– “The Times of London”
• Cavemen had toolsheds, according to findings of archeologists working in Greece.
– “Journal of Archeological Science”

THE BULL SHEET 08.28.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [49] Daniel Stern, Bethesda MD, movie actor (“City Slickers”, “Home Alone”, “Diner”)

1965 [41] Shania Twain (Eilleen Regina Edwards), Windsor ON (raised in Timmins & Sudbury ON), pop/country singer (“Party For Two”, “You’re Still The One”)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2003)

1969 [37] Jason Priestley, Vancouver BC, ex-TV actor (“Love Monkey” 2006, “Tru Calling” 2004-05, “Beverly Hills 90210” 1990-98)/Indy Racing League driver inured in 2002 crash

1982 [24] LeAnn Rimes, Jackson MS (raised Garland TX), country singer (“Some People”, “Something’s Gotta Give”) who started singing at age 3 and has sold over 20 million records

TODAY’S BS REASON TO PARTY . . .
“Burning Man”, the 20th annual celebration through September 4th when some 20,000 gather in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert, throw away their clothes or don outlandish costumes and recite poetry, build avant-garde art objects and dance all night. At the finalé, they burn a 50-foot wooden effigy of a man. It started in 1986, when San Francisco artist Larry Harvey was bitter about losing his girlfriend to another man so he built a wooden effigy, then burned it.
PHONER: 415.863.5263 (Burning Man Hotline)
NET: http://www.burningman.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1837 [169] 1st ‘Worcestershire Sauce’ (WOOST-a-shur) marketed by pharmacists John Lea & William Perrins in, where else?, Worcester UK

1907 [99] 19-year-old Seattle teen Jim Casey borrows $100 from a friend to start local delivery service that eventually becomes … UPS (now it’s about a hundred bucks per pickup)

1922 [84] 1st ‘Radio Commercial’ ($100 for 10 minutes on WEAF, NYC)

1996 [10] 1st MLB team to invite ball fans to ‘Bring Your Pooch to the Park’ (Chicago White Sox)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Tues] Beach Boys’ 40th anniversary “Pet Sounds” album released
[Tues] 2-disc “Lord of the Rings” trilogy DVD set released
[Tues] “Celebrity Duets” debuts (FOX)
[Wed] CMA Awards nominations announced
[Wed-Sept 9] 63rd Venice Film Festival (Venice, Italy)
[Thurs] 23rd MTV Video Music Awards (NYC)
[1 week TODAY] Labor Day (no BS service)
This Week Is … Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is … Literacy Month

BULL’S BITS

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If a dog’s bark is worse than its bite why don’t hospitals have to report ‘dog bark wounds’?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
• If Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Asian mothers use toothpicks?
• Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
• Why do people who are against deforestation have paper signs on wooden posts?
• How do you KNOW it’s ‘new and improved’ dog food?
• If your teenager threatens to run away from home … should you try to get it in writing?

BS ‘WHAT’S ITS’:
Ask a contestant to pick the correct meaning for the following terms –
• ‘Anonym’
a. A name spelled backwards. [CORRECT. As in Oprah Winfrey’s production company ‘Harpo’.]
b. A word that looks the same as another but feels different.
c. A one-syllable word.

• ‘Ichthyomancy’
a. Predicting the future by looking at tea leaves.
b. Predicting the future by looking up noses. 
c. Predicting the future by using fish. [CORRECT]

• ‘Cosmologist’
a. Someone who studies the universe. [CORRECT]
b. Someone who studies the art of makeup.
c. Someone who studies their navel.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Would you reduce your income by half to accept an easier, much more enjoyable job?
• An upcoming “Star Trek” feature film from JJ Abrams (“Lost”, Mission Impossible 3”) will focus on the lives of a young ‘Kirk’ and ‘Spock’. Who should get the roles? (Among actors picked in an online poll: Matt Damon, Topher Grace, Leonardo DiCaprio & Heath Ledger are cited as candidates for ‘Captain Kirk’. Ben Affleck, Adrien Brody, Joaquin Phoenix, and Jake Gyllenhaal are picked as good fits for ‘Spock’.)

BS INTERVIEW:
Try calling a large local hotel and asking about the strangest items left behind by guests. The list at Le Meridien Excelsior Hotel near London’s Heathrow Airport includes a white rabbit under a bed, live frogs in a bath tub, the radiator from a Ford, several sets of false teeth, and an artificial leg found in the hotel spa!

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• I am not a complete idiot … some parts are missing.

BS ‘BLAME YOUR MAN’:
Have a woman call her husband or boyfriend and blame him for something he hasn’t done. If he swears and get’s mad and doesn’t apologize or agree to having done it, HE wins a guy prize. If he apologizes for something he hasn’t even done, SHE wins a girl prize. Get that finger on the dump button!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Science tells us that the more of THESE you have, the greater distress and the more illness you experience.   
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Secrets.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement.


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