Friday, August 25, 2006        Edition: #3352
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

“Emmy Awards” host Conan O’Brien has lambasted ABC-TV’s decision to air “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” against the awards show SUNDAY (in the past, there’s been an unwritten agreement to air reruns against the awards show that honors all networks) . . . SATURDAY “America’s Next Top Model” (CW) is holding an open casting call in NYC for the 8th season of the show (shorties need not apply) . . . Michael Jackson’s ex-accountant is trying to sell her story to a British tabloid, claiming she’s prepared to give information on how the children are not really his, that he takes a cocktail of prescription drugs and also has a cocaine addiction (which explains his nose falling off regularly) . . . Meantime, Jackson has axed plans to sell Neverland Ranch and opted to get rid of his collection of zoo animals instead in order to raise much-needed cash (he’s already unloaded his elephant to a circus but still has 4 giraffes @ $35,000 a pair) . . . “Harry Potter” star Rupert Grint (‘Ron Weasley’), who turned 18 YESTERDAY, can’t drive his flashy new Mini that he gifted himself with because he failed the driving exam . . .  Movie actress Lindsay Lohan wants to become the latest celebrity perfumer, negotiating with Coty to launch her own scent (in that case, it should  be called ‘Gin Puke’) . . . The father & brother of John Mark Karr, the freak arrested in the JonBenet Ramsey case, have already sold film & book rights to their story (how tacky) . . . Actor Jake Gyllenhaal has edged out Matthew McConaughey for the role of Lance Armstrong in an upcoming biopic about the cycling champ (… and Sheryl Crow dumper) . . . And it’s been confirmed that “Superman Returns” star Brandon Routh is engaged to his actress-girlfriend Courtney Ford (who’s most famous for … being engaged to Brandon Routh).

• Bruce Springsteen – He’s reportedly split from his 20-year wife, Patti Scialfa, to pursue a relationship with a 9/11 widow he met while helping organize the telethon “America: A Tribute to Heroes”.
• John Mayer – TODAY’s performance on “Today” (NBC) will be available TUESDAY via Apple’s iTunes Music Store. It will be bundled with behind-the-scenes footage for a new feature called “NBC News on Stage”. Other artists in the series include U2, Madonna, and the Rolling Stones.
• John Michael Montgomery – The country singer has agreed in a Lexington KY court to pay a fine circa $600 & undergo an alcohol education program in a plea agreement reached over his DUI charge from last FEBRUARY.
• The Killers – SATURDAY they perform at Empire Ballroom in their hometown of Las Vegas in a one-off show promoting their new album “Sam’s Town” (out OCTOBER 3rd). The fan-only tickets sold out PDQ at a cheap $25-a-pop.
• Pussycat Dolls – They’ve cancelled the first 3 dates of their tour with the Black Eyed Peas after lead singer Nicole Scherzinger was diagnosed with an ear infection.
• Sarah McLachlan – TODAY she performs on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• Mary J Blige – TOMORROW she’s the musical guest on a “Saturday Night Live” rerun (NBC), hosted by actor Antonio Banderas.
• Usher – THIS WEEK he reprimanded the owner of a cellphone that went off during his Broadway debut in “Chicago”. The phone’s owner … music mogul Clive Davis. Oops!

• “Beerfest” ( R-Rated Comedy ): In this no-name comedy, 2 brothers travel to Germany for “Oktoberfest” where they stumble upon a secret, centuries-old beer-games competition. Humor about as subtle as a sledgehammer directed by Jay Chandrasekhar (“The Dukes of Hazzard”).
• “How to Eat Fried Worms” ( Family Drama ): During the first day of his new school year, a 5th-grade boy squares off against a bully and winds up accepting a dare (eating eat 10 worms in a day) that could change the balance of power. No-name cast. Based on the 1973 children’s book by Thomas Rockwell.
• “Invincible” ( PG Sports Drama ): Mark Wahlberg stars in the true story of Philadelphia Eagles’ fan Vince Papale, a 30-year-old substitute teacher & part-time bartender who attended an open tryout for the team in 1976 … and made it. He lasted 3 NFL seasons as a walk-on. Co-stars Greg Kinnear as then-Eagles coach Dick Vermeil. Another inspiring sports story from the producers of “The Rookie”.
• “Idlewild” ( R-Rated Musical Drama ): OutKast’s long-delayed musical (shot in 2004) set in the prohibition-era US South, where a speakeasy performer (Big Boi) and his piano player (Andre 3000) contend with gangsters who want to take over the nightclub. Co-stars Terrence Howard (“Hustle & Flow”, “Crash”), R&B singer Patti LaBelle (“Lady Marmalade”), and Ving Rhames (“Mission Impossible 1-3”). This is most likely OutKast’s farewell project.

SUNDAY Conan O’Brien hosts TV’s annual self-congratulations for the 2nd time, live from LA’s Shrine Auditorium (NBC). A few highlights …
• Nominations are led by TNT mini-series “Into the West” (16), HBO TV-movie “Elizabeth I” (13), FOX series “24” (12), HBO movie “Mrs Harris” (12); and ABC’s drama “Grey’s Anatomy” (11).
• Presenters include Eva Longoria (“Desperate Housewives”), Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Ghost Whisperer”), Wentworth Miller (“Prison Break”), Bradley Whitford (“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”), and Stephen Colbert (“The Colbert Report”).
• Barry Manilow pays tribute to legendary 76-year-old TV host/producer Dick Clark (whose “American Bandstand” debuted on ABC-TV 50 years ago), who’s kept a low profile since suffering a stroke in 2004.
• There’ll also be a tribute to late TV producer Aaron Spelling from several stars from his biggest shows (“Melrose Place”, “Dynasty”, etc). His daughter Tori (“Beverly Hills 90210”) will not be among them.
• Comedian Joan Rivers will conduct her 1,000th red carpet interview during her annoying ‘who-are-you-wearing?’ pre-show (TV Guide Channel).
• The 2006 “Emmy” presenters’ gift basket includes 17 items valued at some $33,000 … plus an income tax declaration form. The complete list of items here …
• Celebrities also get invitations to various ‘Swag Suites’, where gifts worth thousands more are up for grabs. Here’s just some of the bling money-grubbing stars will be scrambling for …

• Grillz for a cat? Yup. Concerned that his cat’s exposed teeth could be damaged, Alexandria IN dentist Dr David Steele had gold crowns made for his puss. ‘Sebastian’, a Persian with long black fur, now sports gold crowns on its 2 largest teeth which grew sticking out in an underbite similar to a bulldog’s.
• Think you’ve experienced a date from hell? Check this out. A 49-year-old woman in Gloucester UK is suing a dating agency for ‘failing to use reasonable care & skill’ in return for her $470 membership. She specifically requested ‘rugged professional men who own their own home and don’t smoke’. So far, she’s been set up with a chain-smoking truck driver who lives in a trailer, a nervous unshaven carpenter, a married engineer looking for a secret affair, and a guy who phoned her twice before their date, both times so hammered he could barely speak.
• Blindingly hot chiles? You bet. THIS WEEK 18 prisoners escaped an Indonesian jail by temporarily blinding their guards with chilli peppers. They were on their way to the canteen when they stormed the prison gates shouting “Attack! Attack!”. They then sprayed chilli pepper liquid at guards from a bottle. Most of the escapees experienced an after-burn, however, as all but 2 were back in custody within hours.

The ‘World’s Oldest Known Man’, Emiliano Del Toro of Isabela, Puerto Rico turned 115 THIS WEEK. Del Toro gave up smoking at age 90 … after 76 years.

98% of our genes are the same as chimpanzees’. (That’s why [co-host] likes to groom me each morning.)


1930 [76] Sir Sean Connery, Edinburgh, Scotland, recently retired movie actor (Oscar-“The Untouchables”, “Dr No”)/the best ‘James Bond’?  FACTOID: Before succeeding as an actor, he was a ‘Mr Universe’ contestant, a nude model, a milkman and a coffin polisher.

1931 [75] Regis (Francis Xavier) Philbin, NYC, TV host (“Live with Regis & Kelly” since 1989, “America’s Got Talent” 2006,  “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” 1999-2001) who’s had more screen-time than anyone in TV history

1949 [57] Gene Simmons (Chaim Witz), Tirat Ha-Carmel, Israel, long-tongued dinosaur rocker (Kiss-“Rock ‘n Roll All Night”)/reality TV show personality (“Gene Simmons: Family Jewels”)

1954 [52] Elvis Costello (Declan MacManus), London UK, rock singer (“My Aim Is True”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)/married jazz singer Diana Krall in 2003

1958 [48] Tim Burton, Burbank CA, movie director/producer (“Corpse Bride”, “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”)

1964 [42] Blair Underwood, Tacoma WA, movie actor (“Madea’s Family Reunion”)

1968 [38] Rachael Ray, Cape Cod MA, TV personality (“30 Minute Meals”, “Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels”-Food Network)  FACTOID: Her new “Rachael Ray” daytime TV talk show debuts SEPTEMBER 18th (syndicated).

1970 [36] Claudia Schiffer, Rheinberg, Germany, model/occasional actress (“Zoolander”)

1970 [36] Jo Dee Messina, Framingham MA, country singer (“It’s Too Late to Worry”)

1981 [25] Rachel Bilson, LA CA, TV actress (‘Summer Roberts’ on “The OC” since 2003)

Country singer Jimmy Olander (Diamond Rio) is 45; Rock singer Shirley Manson (Garbage) is 40; Rock guitarist Dan Vickrey (Counting Crows) is 40; Rock drummer Adrian Young (No Doubt) is 37; TV actress Melissa McCarthy (“Gilmore Girls”) is 37; Movie actor Macaulay Culkin (“Home Alone”) is 26.

Retired country musician Jeff Cook (Alabama) is 57; Rock guitarist Alex Lifeson (Rush) is 53; TV actress Chandra Wilson (“Grey’s Anatomy”) is 37; Rock bassist Tony Kanal (No Doubt) is 36; TV actress Sarah Chalke (“Scrubs”) is 30; R&B singer Mario (“Let Me Love You”) is 20.

• “Kiss-and-Make-Up Day”, a day to make amends in relationships that have deteriorated. (Let’s see, there’s that ornery cab driver, that rip-off auto mechanic, the boss …)

• “Canadian Garlic Festival”, the 15th annual celebration of ‘The Stinking Rose’ at Hnatyshyn Park  in Sudbury ON through Sunday. Events include a ‘garlic hunt’ and ‘garlic relay’ (mouth-to-mouth?).
• “Make Your Own Luck Day”, a day to take affirmative action to gain control of your life.
• “Single Parent Family Day”, a day for single parent families to celebrate their success in doing with 1 parent a job that was intended for a team of 2.
• “Women’s Equality Day”, celebrating the civil rights movement by women that had its formal beginnings in 1848 at the world’s first women’s rights convention in Seneca Falls NY.

• “Ironman Canada” in Penticton BC, including a 3.8K swim, 180K cycle, and 42.2K run.
• “Petroleum Day”, honoring the very first successful oil well drilled near Titusville PA 147 years ago (1859). It’s a day of celebration if you belong to the ritzy Petroleum Club in Calgary or Edmonton, but a day of mourning if your gas-guzzling SUV is running on empty!
Houston, Fort Worth or Tulsa

1970 [36] Elton John makes his North American debut in an LA nightclub, opening for singer David Ackles (who?)

1940 [66] 1st ‘Parachute Wedding’, as bride, groom, wedding party, minister & musicians all skydive over NYC (the honeymoon proves especially challenging!)

1960 [46] 1st time players’ names appear on back of football uniforms (the old AFL)

1922 [84] ‘Highest-Scoring Major League Baseball game’ – Chicago Cubs 26, Philadelphia Phillies 23 (51 hits, 23 walks & 10 errors!)

1981 [25] Jeff Schwartz sets record for ‘Solo Trampoline Bouncing’ (266 hours, 9 minutes)

1996 [10] Tiger Woods wins unprecedented 3rd “US Amateur Golf Championship”

[Tues] Beach Boys’ 40th anniversary “Pet Sounds” album released
[Tues] 2-disc “Lord of the Rings” trilogy DVD set released
[Tues] “Celebrity Duets” debuts (FOX)
[Wed] CMA Awards nominations announced
[Wed-Sept 9] 63rd Venice Film Festival (Venice, Italy)
[Thurs] 23rd MTV Video Music Awards (NYC)
This Week Is … Truck Driver’s Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Peach Month


• Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat … while driving alone.
• Wear snorkel gear and hang fish from the ceiling.
• Pay the toll for the car behind you, then watch in the rearview mirror as the toll collector tries to explain to the next driver.
• At a traffic light, eye the driver in the car beside you suspiciously then, with a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
• Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
• Have a friend ride in the back seat – gagged.
• To really mess people up, compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

• Women might be able to fake orgasms … but men can fake entire relationships.
• What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist.

You read the story, line by line, while a caller or guest provides the sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called “Back to School Shopping” …
You take your daughter back-to-school shopping at the mall and she WHINES about everything (SFX). She doesn’t like the jeans (SFX). She doesn’t like the backpack (SFX). She doesn’t like the sweater (SFX). And she doesn’t like the shoes (SFX). The only thing more annoying is the sound of the SQUEAKY wheel on your shopping cart (SFX). Finally you get to the checkout where the cashier SCANS in the jeans (SFX). And the backpack (SFX). And the sweater (SFX). And the shoes (SFX). And when you see the total, you start whining just like you’re daughter (SFX).

• You can have one person from any time in history call you for advice and follow what you tell them to do. Who would you want it to be?
• If you could visit only one more place in the world that you have never been, where would you go for this final voyage?

Today’s Question: Survey: 1 in 3 men will do THIS in their lifetime; the average age they do it is 31.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Get divorced.

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.

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